Extremly confused- does she like me or not?

[Gozunn]

bah..whatever I'll give it a shot. Okay so for starters this is a real step for me cause I normally make sure I solve my own problems. But since this one is inactive right now...I guess I can ask for advice and besides i'm not really getting anywhere on my own.

*big sigh*

so...

*another big sigh*

lol okay enough idiocy (well maybe not completly ) , right onto the 'story'. Right as you can guess this is about a girl ( I am so ASHAMED). Okay so to put it bluntly I met this girl after a long time (since my childhood actually) and by met I mean talked...because I see her occasionally. This was about erm...8 months ago? Anyways fairly normal conversation...smalltalk and all that.

oh and its important to note that this girl is my first cousin once removed

I started meeting this girl a number of times from then on and sometimes she talks nonchalantly, sometimes she has this deep expression and seems to want to tell me something, other times she just ignores me and then other times she 'apparently' ignores me and then starts looking at me when she thinks I'm not seeing her (pay attention that the main issue!)

anyways so I get emotionally attached...and its freaky cause we're sort of related. So...no problem just avoid her. Anyways the summer passes and I'm fairly successful. I also calculate that I 'thought' she was giving me signs because I liked her and I just dismissed it at that.

Then school started: No way can you avoid her. At the beginning I felt nothing, but then she starts the staring (she still does it!). Okay- I thought just because she looks at me occasionally doesen't mean she's staring. I mean hell I look at everyone once in a while and maybe I space out and they think I'm staring at them- no biggie.

But what am I supposed to think when she's in front of me and she turns her head specifically at my direction and looks at me for 15 seconds at a time (I pretend to look the other way because if I turn in her direction she'll realize it and she immediately looks the other way again)

So hmm...maybe she does like me. Okay I'll talk to her and see how she reacts. But again: nothing concrete. Sometimes there's a sign; sometimes there isn't, very hard to tell. Anyways she always seems to look at me from afar but persistently acts normal when I make contact with her. Okay...so then I think. HEY what if she thinks that I like her? This worries me a bit because at this point I really do start to like her obsessively- and I mean obsessively to the point where I think about her almost every hour through the day and start dreaming about her during the night my thoughts at that point was "--freaky--again she's related to me!!! WTH how could I think that she likes me????" and then I become a bit frustrated. 'maybe she thinks I'm wierd...she thinks I'm the one with the feelings for her and she's probably sorry for me" this is my worst fear...because I am a proud person (I don't look it) and pity is my worst enemy.

So I am adamant to ignore her but she still LOOKS at me and I mean LOOKS...for long periods of time from different angles. I just can't be imagining it at this point! Because every time I say 'hey I 'm imagining it' I look to my side and then the answer comes 'yup she's still looking' . Then I start thinking : "okay so I'm definitly not imagining it, so if she thinks that I like her and she's staring at me, does that mean she likes me back?'

Before I continue I must point out that I'm not exagerrating these long periods of staring, I've checked and checked and checked for months and during a class she obsessively looks at me whenever she's not writing.

Then I realize that she couldn't possibly think that I like her because I've never given concrete signs that i liked her (i always made sure I didn't)

Then suddenly...she stopped looking (at this point I was extremely obsessive but still didn't show it)

She stopped completely. Maybe she did think that I liked her and now realized that I didn't so she stopped. Or maybe she lost interest. or maybe she gave up. It drove me crazy!! I was so used to her looking that I didn't want it to end there.

Anyways after a week she started staring again...remember I haven't even talked or made any sign towards her so apparently there's some other force taking control.

I was sick to the stomach of this situation so I decided 'hey why am I doing all the work? Let's see how she reacts when I look at HER'

So that's what I do: I look at her the way she looks at me. Out of the corner of my eye and for long periods of time.

she looks back and then I look away, I look and she looks away - REAL AWKWARD. I did this for about a week and she started making hints towards me. Still though- nothing concrete and my pride was really suffering because she was now thinking she had the upper hand. No way was I going to accept that. So I start ignoring her again aaandd she starts looking again. Back to normal. Xmas break comes up and I send her email messages and mobile phone message, the type you send to everyone you know: "happy new year". nothing intimate just the things I send to everyone. She doesen't respond (one of the few).

so okay now I KNOW she doesen't like me. that's it- problem solved (hah so I thought) anyways xmas passed and she gave me no signs to arouse my suspicions (even though I barely saw her). The only signs I could've got was that a private caller called twice and hung up when I said hello on new year's eve. But to assume it was her would be too presumtious so I let it go.

Anyways the new year starts and I think that things are finally going to start to be normal (i'm no longer obsessed on her at this point), but then she starts staring again...and it has been going on since but this time I feel nothing owards her and I don't really give a crap if she's staring or not.

There is no way she likes me. because we're related, she is happily in a long-term relationship with this guy and I'm not that interesting to begin with. So I'm here to know 'what you're suppsoed to think when someone stares at you obsessively?'

Thanks in advance.

(woah that was long: hey what the hell were you expecting? this thing has been going on for MONTHS. I'm trying to gain a new perspective because I think I was too fixiated on the same one. Again I'm not exaggerating about the looking. I checked and checked and checked and checked and checked again lol without her realizing it of course. and before you say it: YES i'm perfectly sure she didn't realize I was checking)

anyways I doubt ANYONE will bother to read this...and I really really hope she's not on these forums because its real obvious who I am...I think

[astra]

Sounds to me like you're sending some pretty mixed signals too. You're probably both as confused as each other. I say, work up some courage and just simply ask her. If this has been going on so long, she might not have the courage to ask you. Try smiling at her when she's looking at you, and acknowledge it's happening. But the best way to break this cycle is for someone to be straightforward about it, and if she's not doing that, it's up to you. At least you can put your mind at ease, right?

Good luck.

[Peekaboo]

Hey there Gozunn

I bothered to read your post. ALL of it. To me this is clear that whatever her intentions are they are not completely innocent. Women can be wily and sneaky and flirty and how do I know? Because I am one. Why I'm going to answer this is because I have two strings to my bow here. I've already mentioned that I'm female and secondly I've studied psychology so will give you some insight into social psychology.

When a girl stares at a guy she wants him to notice her. She is not looking at you because of who you are or how handsome you are, which I'm sure you must be. Her fluctuating mood of then she talks to you all relaxed and then she's tense and then she ignores you means you're her yo-yo. She's playing visual yo-yo with you and every time you respond to it she gets the satisfaction that she has won. Staring back at her is exactly what she wants, now she can even point it out to her friends that you have a crush on her.

A girl with that sort of behaviour is the type that will fry your heart while singing Halliluya. Watch out! Think of her as your sister and train your mind to dismiss any romantic thought about her.

If I were you I'd steer clear, stay away from where she normally hangs out, ignore her when she's around. Get yourself a nice girl who doesn't play games, someone you have a lot in common with. Someone who wants to be with you, not just look from a distance to tease you with 'look what you can't have' eyes. Life's too short for nonsense like that.

Hope this helped.
Peekaboo

[Gozunn]

ah nice insight! But i'm not that dumb, I don't know if i mentioned it in the previous post. But she started looking and KEPT looking months BEFORE I looked back. I decided she wasn't going to stop so I wanted to see what she'd do if I did look back. She doesn't seem the type to play with men either so I think you have a false impression. But like I said that was what I initially thought. I've been nothing but friendly towards her and when I do ignore her for WEEKS...and by ignoring her i mean not so much as a hello in the hallway she still persists.

astra- I'm not going to make the first move...I don't even know if it is all in my head and besides I DON'T want her at this point no matter what my emotions scream. Its not logical...

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Gozunn

Its not logical.

Dude, love is emotion not logic! So, of course, it's not logical!

Anyway, reading through your post it seems to me that all of this plays out in your head. There is no real communication between the two of you, just unspecified glances and empty words.

Now your mind is racing to try and make some sense of it all! But there is nothing concrete to be made sense of. So it makes no sense. That's why you are so confused!

If you want to make sense of it, you'll have to put more effort into it - take her out, find out what's going on in her head. If you don't want to put in the effort, ignore this thing from now on. Focus on something else.

[Gozunn]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Dude, love is emotion not logic! So, of course, it's not logical!

Anyway, reading through your post it seems to me that all of this plays out in your head. There is no real communication between the two of you, just unspecified glances and empty words.

Now your mind is racing to try and make some sense of it all! But there is nothing concrete to be made sense of. So it makes no sense. That's why you are so confused!

If you want to make sense of it, you'll have to put more effort into it - take her out, find out what's going on in her head. If you don't want to put in the effort, ignore this thing from now on. Focus on something else.

you don't understand...that's what I initially thought: Its all in my head, and I was obstinate about it but when a person stares at you for 20 seconds at a time CONSISTENTLY what are you supposed to think? Either I'm IMAGINING it or there's something. But its definitly not all in my head. I've already verified that.

Anyways I am focusing on something else and I'm not really checking if she's staring or not but I wanted to see if anyone had a different perspective that I might have overlooked (so far: none) incase I start giving a damn about it again.

[Rose of Cairo]

What I think is that you're making a whole bunch of assumptions (about whether we're going to read your post or not, about whether she likes you or not, about what it means when she's staring at you...) and you take your assumptions for true reality. But they are not. The point is, you don't know at all. And moreover, it doesn't matter. Whether she likes you or not, what it means when she looks at you, and so on, is simply not relevant. It's perfectly useless to obsess over it.

Do you like her? Do you want something to happen between the two of you?

If no, forget the whole story, why bother?

If yes, tell her so. Show her. You're not showing anything. You send her meaningless and mixed messages, that's pointless.

I get the impression that you're making your own behaviour dependent on hers and on whether she likes you or not. That's not being genuine. The point is not if she likes you, it's if you like her. So, get clear about that in your head first, and then act accordingly no matter what she feels.

[Gozunn]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

What I think is that you're making a whole bunch of assumptions (about whether we're going to read your post or not, about whether she likes you or not, about what it means when she's staring at you...) and you take your assumptions for true reality. But they are not. The point is, you don't know at all. And moreover, it doesn't matter. Whether she likes you or not, what it means when she looks at you, and so on, is simply not relevant. It's perfectly useless to obsess over it.

Do you like her? Do you want something to happen between the two of you?

If no, forget the whole story, why bother?

If yes, tell her so. Show her. You're not showing anything. You send her meaningless and mixed messages, that's pointless.

I get the impression that you're making your own behaviour dependent on hers and on whether she likes you or not. That's not being genuine. The point is not if she likes you, it's if you like her. So, get clear about that in your head first, and then act accordingly no matter what she feels.

oh that has been figured out long ago. I decided long ago I'm going to postpone this issue and focus on something else because right now I don't want to fall in love and if there IS something and I make a move and she responds I don't know if I can turn away. Plus she's in a relationship right now and I know the guy she's with and I really don't want to cause any havoc especially when I'm not really sure how I feel because like you said I DO act according to her behaviour.

If she had never started the signs in the first place I probably wouldn't feel anything or maybe I would. That's the part I don't know. Don't get me wrong, she's not the only one with signs. But her signs just make me curious because she doesen't back them up and I don't really know if its curiousity or emotion that used to draw me to her (at this point i'm not attracted to her)

so basically if what I'm feeling towards her IS genuine than the answer is:

I'll go for her later

and if I don't feel anything towards her than:

have a nice liifee!!!

but anyways this is all beside the point. I'm a person who really really suffers from curiousity. and maybe that's what drew me to her. and what I want from you wonderful people is to somehow show me how to analyse the situation NOT how to make a move for her. Let me make this clear: I don't want to make a move for her whether I like her or not. I just want to get inside her head, and see what kind of game that's going on and HOW I am somehow involved with it when I'm barely in contact with her. I don't like stuff going on behind my back and in different circumstances I would ask the person directly but this case has got me with my back against the wall.

[Rose of Cairo]

Oh, well, then my answer is easy: it's completely pointless to waste any time trying to analyze other people. Because you cannot know what's going on in their head anyway. There are so many reasons why she could be looking at you. So if you're not interested in her, just forget about it all.

[Gozunn]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Oh, well, then my answer is easy: it's completely pointless to waste any time trying to analyze other people. Because you cannot know what's going on in their head anyway. There are so many reasons why she could be looking at you. So if you're not interested in her, just forget about it all.

lol I know its pointless; but who cares right? I WANT to know...I feel like a lab rat and its unnerving. I know I'm being very intrusive but fact is when something concerns ME I am intrusive. I don't really gossip about other people if I can help it and I try to reserve judgement on other people no matter what impression I get.

I WANT to know how other people think of me...I won't react to it but I want to know so I can grow and become a better person if its something negative and boost my confidence if its something positive. arggghhh...frustration

[jaamkie]

Originally Posted by Gozunn

lol I know its pointless; but who cares right? I WANT to know...I feel like a lab rat and its unnerving. I know I'm being very intrusive but fact is when something concerns ME I am intrusive. I don't really gossip about other people if I can help it and I try to reserve judgement on other people no matter what impression I get.

I WANT to know how other people think of me...I won't react to it but I want to know so I can grow and become a better person if its something negative and boost my confidence if its something positive. arggghhh...frustration

I've read all of this and am not understanding why you can't have a conversation with her about it, satisfy your curiousity, and be done with all of the silliness... or maybe just find someone else to be infatuated with so you stop caring so much? seems like maybe a part of you enjoys the intrigue and ambiguity of it all...

[LifeFirst]

If I were you I would go up to her and ask:

"What you looking at??"

"Why do you keep on looking at me like that?"