Show me the proof.

[Authority]

OK, friends here's the senario.
Your boyfriend comes to you out of the blue, with this question. What are you lying about? What lies are you telling concerning me. Naturally, Im at a lost for words. He repeatedly, ask the same question. Finally,the big question came. Are you seeing or dealing with someone else? I quickly and firmly said "NO". Well, he goes on to say that he has proof. He refuse to tell me anything more. His logic is he is putting me on notice so that I can discontinue my behavior. He is very emotional, telling me I'm a FU..ING LIAR, I am a hypocrite ect........... However he still refused to show me this proof. I asked him to reinvestgate his proof. Check the time frame(was this proof before our relationship), make sure whatever it is it's mine. He is very adimate, but again no proof. His only question is, are you sure your not lying about something? That very same night we made passionate love. However, he wants to make it clear that I'm a liar and not trustworthy. This is so unfair and frustrating. Why won't he show me this proof? I know,I've done absolutely nothing wrong. If I were guilty, wouldn't it make sense to do things his way. Why would I keep bringing it up? Why won't he just show me the proof, and bring this to an end?

[JimOfferman]

Sounds like he wants to use this 'proof' as a way to exert power over you. Like a sword of Damocles that he can drop on you when you're not behaving like his girlfriend should. Bleh!

Where do you stand in this? Are you going to put up with your bf basically not trusting you? Will you allow yourself to be hold hostage over some intangible proof? Would you stay with him if he never revealed his evidence or admitted that it is false or doesn't exist?

(My guess is that all your answers to these questions are 'No!' - and rightly so)

[Terumoto]

Tell him you're leaving him because you have proof that he is planning to murder you. Remember to be very vague.

Bahahaha

[DayInTheLife]

I wouldn't have any patience with somebody who treated me like that. Never tolerate somebody who calls you a f*cking anything.

Tell him to show you this 'proof', or you're finished.

[Dharma]

Welcome to the forum. From now on remember one thing, it's not about him, it's about me.

If you try to blame him, Authority (ehem), your not going to see what is in this situation for you. I assume since you're here, your willing to open to some change within yourself. This situation is a call for change within yourself. Change can be easy and change can be difficult (if we resist it).

Remember this too: It's all a mirror of myself

If your BF says, "You are lying to me. Are you seeing someone else? I have proof and I'm not going to tell you."

Put that in a mirror and see what it is you're saying to yourself. It would be something like:

I'm lying to myself. Am I seeing myself? I have proof and I'm not going to tell me about it.

So far so good, except the last sentence. For this to be helpful, all the nouns in the sentence have to be about you too.

I'm lying to myself. Am I seeing myself? I have me and I'm not going to tell me about it.

So, in this conversation with your BF, you're telling you: you're playing with some denial right now, and you're becoming aware of different aspects of yourself you have locked up inside you, but are still unwilling to go there consciously.

And you'll still have connection and love for yourself (making love to your BF) but you're not going to let yourself off the hook (he will keep bringing it up).

Something new is moving inside you that wants to be expressed. Maybe it's a different sense of self, an awakening, something... Set aside some time and open some space. Try short meditation during the day to quiet you mind down. Express whatever is inside emotionally. Take a walk in nature (my favorite). Follow you impulses and see where it leads.

The external conditions (your situation with your BF) won't change unless you make a change internally or layer a bunch of denial over it and make it go away for a while.

[Angela]

Without trust, or at the minimum, the desire to foster trust, there is no love or freedom. You have no relationship at all. Danger Man taught me a great (and slightly uncomfortable!) way of dealing with it when I was the suspicious one, and being all weird on him: He said, "you can be like this if you want to, but it's not going to do our relationship any good. Let me know when you're ready to drop this (weird stuff) and be straight with me." Then he walked out of the room. I was left with the choice of either being authentic, or letting the relationship go. Very clever man, that Danger Man. He totally interrupted by habitual pattern.

Oh, yeah, and as Dharma was saying, take a look at yourself and see in what way your bf is right -- you are being dishonest. Maybe it's with yourself, maybe it's with him. You can be pretty sure you've been doing some lying, one way or the other. We readers can see the residue of it. And as Jim said, how long will you allow yourself to be held hostage?

[Angela]

ahhhh, Authority... I just saw your other thread, "Can he be trusted?" ....

This guy is absolutely your mirror! You are surprised that he is distrustful of you, when you are "living on the edge" with him? This is a great learning opportunity for both of you (me, too.)

[Authority]

I am so very grateful, I found this site. The advise, the humor and the insight is so very welcomed. Terumoto-Thanks, that was the first timed I have laughed this week. Darma, you went deep. However, I needed that insight. To all who have taken the time to comment, GOD BLESS YOU! I know, what I need to do.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Angela

ahhhh, Authority... I just saw your other thread, "Can he be trusted?" ....

This guy is absolutely your mirror! You are surprised that he is distrustful of you, when you are "living on the edge" with him? This is a great learning opportunity for both of you (me, too.)

Tough chick.

The tough chick is correct.

I had my own issues with jealousy about Slamhot spending time with his high school sweetie. Then, as Angela generously reminded me: He's the sweetest, most respectful man on Earth. (I'm kind of a booger, so he's not quite my mirror. ) The only relationship worth being in, to me, has total trust. If someone's giving you their heart, can you hand over your trust and your own heart?