HOw can I change my mindset from thinking about someone who broke my heart very badly

[loveliketheflowers]

I think I have wrote about this twice before, and here I am again, in need of some help and advice from u positive ppl on here. hopefully u can help me, please.

I was in a relationship, kind of (was not official with the labels of girlfriend/boyfriend, just was hanging out)...i know right there u want to say, well u should have known, but i didn't really. i must say it was my fault, i never should of gotten with this person just because of where i met him from (strip club) and what he told me about his life and his self (says he was kind of married to this woman for a green card but they had an open relationship). well, because of the loose strings and no definition to us, of course i was gonna get my heart stomped on. im young, way more naive at the time, and unaware. way too nice for my own good. we were on and off, i really didn't want to date him, but i kept on hanging out with him cause i had no friends really and living this lie, so of course i go to this bad situation over and over to feel somewhat happy or good. but it kept deterioating (misspell). i rented a room from his friend who was selling this house and things just got worse and worse. i always had to pay, sometimes even gave him money. still no appreciation. i cried, i fought, same thing, got worse. then xmas eve i find out his green card wife is pregnant. so she really was his wife. but i was taking his word. i know u all want to laugh in my face and say "u stupid idiot young dummy, u should have known". but like i said, whatever he told me i took as truth, cause i didnt want to be with him in the first place, we were just hanging out, no relationship. anyway when i found out that news, awareness just came rushing towards me. all the truths came to the light, i just wasn't looking close enough...a month later i found out i was pregnant but i had to get an.... just been miserable this whole time.

i mean it has been getting better, but still i go back to thinking about him and what happened and our past. just why didn't i have the sense to know not to be with him? why didn't i get away sooner? why did he want to be with me in the first place when he had another person? why me? ya know. but i know u positive "law of attraction" folks, may have some good advice for me. i just want to stop thinking about him. how to move forward. i will be starting school full time again feb 4th, so im just anxious for that so i can keep busy. but i am very possessive. i keep looking at his myspace and his friends myspace's. i been hunting for some type of hack codes so i can view something on his private myspace. i know its going to hurt me to see, but yet and still, i still keep looking and wanting to see something about me to reassure myself? i don't know what is wrong with me. kahlil gibran said that joy is sorrow, and sorrow is joy, that when u laugh u were weeping as well (not exact quotes, but i dont feel like getting the book and all)...i just want to move on and have a fast recovery and know that this guy is not it for me. although he is married and his wife is pregnant, he has not stopped his ways. i saw on his myspace he is just on to some other dumb girl.

please help me to not be so naive? please help in advice ppl, i need to hear something. i want to be happy, strong, confident, and have respect for myself again. how to move forward from the bad? how to get back on the positive frequency when i was in the negative for so long. how to not think about him again or contact him anymore or look at his myspace? why am i even doing this to myself when i know it makes me feel bad.

thank u. please help.

[loveliketheflowers]

and also i want to add...

i want to stop thinking about this person, but i know that is the wrong way to go about it because "stop" is a negative. how can i put this person out my mind. i try forgiving him, but its not working. my heart just hurts, i just feel it. i just wish it would just go away. i wish "he" will just fade from my thoughts and mind, i wish i didnt know of his myspace, #, or name. i wanna say "why me, oh why", but i know its not that serious nor that big or complicated. what is wrong with me!

[uberinquisitive]

Trust me - your heart is not broken. You don't love this guy. You never have.

You projected all your insecurities onto this guy (fear of abandonment, fear of being forgotten, doubts of self-worth, low self-esteem, etc). And so, it's your ego and your old emotional pains that are vibrating right now. But your heart - nah, you're fine.

You need to get into therapy. ASAP. When you start school, go to the student health center. Find ways to get low-cost therapy, if you don't have medical insurance. I would also suggest you stop stripping - I think this profession preys on your weaknesses. Take out a student loan instead.

In the meantime, realize that you are being obsessive because of your ego, not because of your heart. It's not him that you want. You just want validation, from any man.

What has helped me: EFT. It's like accupressure +therapy. I went to a master practitioner, because I knew I had very complex, far-reaching issues. But many people do it themselves with good results.

Here is a website with free videos, showing you how to do EFT for different issues. If I were you, I would look at the self-acceptance, anger, forgiveness and memory release.

[The Flannel Guy]

Yeah you said it. It was dumb. No question about it. Accept that and quit letting that thread run circles in your mind. Maybe like me you think that you deserve to be feeling like you are because you did such a dumb thing. Well guess what:

WELCOME TO THE CLUB!

I am definitely a member. There isnt a monthly cost or anything, anyone can join. ha ha

Well I have done some dumb things, like why did I stay with my cheating wife for six years, why did I marry her in the first place, why did I move to Texas ( I absolutely hate it here) Why did I do so many dumb things to end up in jail seven times in two years!!! Why did i date that woman when I was still married!, why wasnt I a better dad an spend more time with my kid, why didnt I stay in the Navy, why did I .......on and on and on.

It drives me crazy, or it used to more than it does now. The stupid, crazy, dumb, things I did in the past kept coming back to me and running around in my mind all day long. I felt like a discrace, low, stupid, like a failure!

I can only give one piece of advice that might or might not work, you arent me after all.

When those thoughts start runnin around your mind, STOP THEM. You know how to, its the same way we stop thinkin about anything. Procrastinators are especially good at this, I should know, I am one!

Just kick your mind off in a different way, and dont allow the other thought back. It works, but it wont keep a thought away, that takes time. You probably wont want to get rid of that bad thought at first either. You want to hold on to it because you feel like you deserve to feel bad. Stop that! Get rid of those circular thoughts.

And as sucky as this sounds, it does just take time. If you genuinely want to get better then find some kind of help. I prefer not to go to doctors or take meds. So I learned what to do mentally from books and online! Amazing huh, the power of research.

But where ever you get help, remember to be in a mindset that you are working to 'be better'! Dont hang to this bad feeling just because its familiar, it is a prison and those bad thoughts are destructive can and probably will destroy your life.

And dont sit inside! go do something! I prefer to be alone. So I fish. Maybe not fishin for you but find anything, gardening, car work, recycling, walking, anything just dont stay home all the time. I am sure your depressed and maybe angry, but sittin inside aint the answer.

I should know, its all I ever used to do. Work-Home-Work-Home all week then I would sit inside all weekend. That was a really poor decision on my part and it prevented me from getting better any sooner than I did.

I am by no means "All better or cured", yeah right. I still struggle, just less than I used to, Its a pain in the butt that it takes so long to work on this stuff, but I guess its just one of those things.

Eh? This help any?

[Zane]

well, u get the point. I think the way to forget something is to do something else! it depends on how u think about it. It means nothing! just your experience!

[loveliketheflowers]

thank you so much for your response, i am really going to make an effort in trying to stop my negative thoughts and not staying inside the house. i have been reconnecting with a few friends, so that has helped me alot. but i still struggle with checking his myspace, but im really going to stop and just move forward. thank you so much for your genuine advice. take care.

[loveliketheflowers]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

Trust me - your heart is not broken. You don't love this guy. You never have.

You projected all your insecurities onto this guy (fear of abandonment, fear of being forgotten, doubts of self-worth, low self-esteem, etc). And so, it's your ego and your old emotional pains that are vibrating right now. But your heart - nah, you're fine.


In the meantime, realize that you are being obsessive because of your ego, not because of your heart. It's not him that you want. You just want validation, from any man.

so very very true.... i defintely have been. going from one relationship to the next... i defintely need to find out who i really am inside and what makes me happy within my own self...but i really dont know how...how do i discover or find this...i guess i'll figure it out, researching and stuff.

i have stopped stripping since july 2007 and never went back. totally done and over the sex industry, very draining and took alot of my soul away that i now have to find or gain back.

thank u for ur advice.

[Houari]

Im glad to hear that your hanging with a few friends and even quitting to strip to remove that influence and to get your mind of this guy. From reading these posts Ive noticed a gradual positive progression, although there is some things I would like to add to your thinking.
I do agree with uberinquisitive's post about how you projected all these insecurities and so on , to this guy, and because of that your validation to go on and exsist is coming from a Man! rather than yourself.
Really come to realize that your acting possesive because you want to be, not because you have to be! Deep down inside you know what your doing, but you allow yourself to do it. Like, still tormenting yourself by going on his myspace or his friends myspace. Understand, that by this continous behavior, your acting no different than before and these patterns will not allow you to grow and even possibly go back to your ways, because usually those ways are easier to deal with. But that will block your growth to move on to whats really more important, and that's Your personal development!
To my understanding if you worked at a strip club I am assuming that your an attractive person on the outside, and Im sure you were told this practically all you life. Now, I don't know you and I could be wrong, but, its highly possible that you were slowly conditioned or convinced to really believe this from an early start of your life. And all these years your reinforcement was externally..What about internally? How about reinforcing a new way of internal conditioning? Now, Im not implying that your just a pretty person that has no intelligence, you obviously proven that you want more out of life by being coachable enough to leave stripping and began educating yourself! I firmly believe that your on your way to a good start to letting go!. I wanted to also add some insight of what you mentioned too..
You said, you dont know what really makes you happy and dont know who you really are, and also, you didnt know how to figure it out and wanted to do more reseach.
Well, first off, detach yourself from everything that reminds you of this guy. In life, you learn from experiences, you dont marinate in them!! You need to break your patterns, Its gonna be tough start but if you really wanna let go, your going to need to do it, erase his myspace, throw his pictures away, take a different route home to avoid reminders ,etc, out of sight, out of mind!..Second an foremost! how about talking about School! Lets hear more of your progress in school!! The more you hear yourself talk about something you really desire, the more you will believe it!! its a proven fact! How else Con artists become really good at conning ppl? simple, because they believe their own BS! How else successful ppl become successful, cause they also believe they can attain their dreams!! Your no different, SO talk about school and more of it! what course are you taking up?, what do you intend to get out of school? what would you like to do after school?, what are your goals for going to school? FOCUS on you!!! everything else will come to you, as oppose you looking for it, do more for yourself and you'll see that what you want and who you are will become way more evident over time invested in yourself.
Im an entreprenuer, and like in business if I invest time and money into a business that isnt going anywhere and reaps no result, it becomes a total loss in many aspects. Or vice versa, if I go into a deal that turns out worth the time and money, then obviously, its a win-win situation. Same thing in a relationship.
My mentor once told me something very simple, yet Very profound! He said.. "Success is not something you attract, because success is something you become". Add value to yourself and you'll see that everything in return will be worth your value.
So one day, when you create that vaule you desire for yourself, and someone will notice your worth and where it counts, not physically, but internally! and that last's an eternity!
Good Luck, I hope this helped.

[funchy]

There is a difference between loving someone and being emotionally dependent on them. He was the latter. Look within and address your own fears/weaknesses/flaws, and then you'll realize you don't need or want him at all. If you need help, there is no shame in going to a counselor/therapist to assist you.

Don't let anyone treat you like a doormat. You deserve better!

[stellamaris5]

Noone brakes your heart , only you can brake your own heart.

Look inside at what is there and the answers will come.

[ShiningLight]

loveliketheflowers, you sound like an extremely intelligent woman. I have no worries about your future success.

You will come to realize that the best way out of pain is to go through it. Don't deny it, don't resist it or fight it. Don't trick yourself by saying you didn't love him - you did, or that you guys didn't care about each other - you did.

The trick is not to stop the pain, but to use it to your advantage. You will never forget this period in your life. Don't try to forget it. Resistance is closing yourself to what is. Rather, embrace it - open yourself fully. I know it is difficult and scary...but until you do, these pains will continue to haunt you.

When you learn to accept the pain and come to peace with it, you will be glad that you didn't forget about this moment.

[UnleashReality]

Originally Posted by stellamaris5

Noone brakes your heart , only you can brake your own heart.

Look inside at what is there and the answers will come.

so true. really profound reply.

...but not very practical

one thing that really helps for me with any worry of this kind comes from the sedona method, as soon as you become aware of yourself thinking about that simply feel it and then ask yourself "can i let this go?" and feel the space around it. it's just a feeling, something you're creating - and you can let it go.

all the best
alex