How do you know when you're ready to have kids?

[FreelanceWanderer]

My husband and I are both close to 40 and we finally feel ready, financially and emotionally, to have kids. For various personal reasons, we've decided to adopt and have already had appointments with an adoption agency and an adoption lawyer. The idea is very exciting and gives me a good feeling.

On a conscious level, I am ready for this. But I also feel so scared and anxious about the whole thing that I've been putting off filling out the adoption agency application. I keep wondering What if? What if the baby is too difficult? What if we can't handle the loss of freedom? What if we don't make enough money? (We're both freelancers.) What if the baby isn't healthy? What if my parents don't treat our adopted baby as one of the family? What if? What if? What if?

I understand that everyone has these fears before they take the leap, whether they're adopting or having a baby. So what is it that makes people go for it in spite of the fears?

(I should add that I have an anxiety disorder, so when I worry, I WORRY. I also get panicked easily.)

Thanks so much for your support!

FW

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I think, at least from my point of view, that people go ahead anyway because they just really would like to have children and despite the uncertainty trust that whatever happens they will find the strength to deal with it. I myself have always wanted to have children. Knowing lots of families who deal with Autism or birth defects or FAS has not swayed me at all. Once you have a child, I imagine the obstacles won't seem so big as they do in your mind. And I also imagine there are preferences you could state to the adoption agency that might minimize the chances of unknowns. A healthy pregnancy where you know the mother and father's family health history would give some reassurance. And since you would be adopting an infant (I am assuming) there wouldn't be the issue of learned behaviors or a troubled childhood.

None of these things takes away risk completely, but you and your husband are grown, you have resources and you said you feel ready. I think that's as ready as anyone can be. And it's been done successfully with much less!

I know quite a few people actually who have adopted high risk children and have never once regretted it despite the challenges. I think if this is what you and your husband want then it will work out for you. If you believe you will still love and want the child regardless of what challenges arise then I think you are doubly ready.

Good luck and all my well wishes and support go out to you.

[Angela]

The answer to all your What If's is:

I'll handle it.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by FreelanceWanderer

On a conscious level, I am ready for this. But I also feel so scared and anxious about the whole thing that I've been putting off filling out the adoption agency application. I keep wondering What if? What if the baby is too difficult? What if we can't handle the loss of freedom? What if we don't make enough money? (We're both freelancers.) What if the baby isn't healthy? What if my parents don't treat our adopted baby as one of the family? What if? What if? What if?

I understand that everyone has these fears before they take the leap, whether they're adopting or having a baby. So what is it that makes people go for it in spite of the fears?

FW - Sweetie, if a clueless-college-dropout-party-girl who got a little careless with the birth control can successfully raise a child to be a functioning, thoughtful, productive adult, I have no doubt that you can!

Here's the deal. You never have enough money. You never have enough time. You never have enough answers. You're never prepared for what comes next. Every time you get good at it, whatever stage they're in, everything changes. But you know what? You just do it.

The day I came home from the hospital with my newborn son, I laid him down for a nap and proceeded to sob hysterically for over an hour. I was absolutely terrified with what lay before me and my lack of preparation for the task. But at some point I figured out you just do it.

You just get up every day and love them like crazy and do the best you can in that moment of that day. And before you know it, they're all grown up. (Then you have to deal with the whole let them go off to see the world issue, but we'll talk about that down the road)!

You'll be a terrific mom.

[FreelanceWanderer]

Thank you all for your encouragement! This is great to hear. This morning I screwed up the courage to open up the adoption application we received in the mail a couple of weeks ago. Man, there's a lot to do and think about, but as Angela said, I'll handle it. (BTW, I had forgotten about that from Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, which I just read!) The next scary step: To tell my parents about our plans. I don't know why I'm scared...my parents are great, but I get the feeling that they'll question our decision. We don't have infertility issues, but we have personal reasons for wanting to adopt.

Thanks again, and please keep the advice coming!

FW

[Peekaboo]

Dear FW

Many people are in your position at some point in time and when you're there it's scary! For many others what's even more scary is that they had not thought past the sex and suddenly there's a baby on the way. According to me, you are in a much better position because you have established yourselves already in a solid relationship and financial base and have given the matter a lot of thought.

Adopting is not always an option for most parents, but for many that's the only way and the way we treat our children is often the way others will treat our children too. If your parents don't accept the little being because he/she is adopted that would be really sad, but would that change the way you feel about him/her?

As a mother (having had my own children) it has never been easy to bring up children, but it has always been rewarding.

All the best
Peekaboo

[FreelanceWanderer]

Thank you, Peekaboo! Your encouragement is very helpful. Last night we told my husbands parents of our plans and they were thrilled!

My parents are actually awesome, but for some reason I've been stalling on telling them. As you know, I worry too much!