Spying or Self Development?

[JustAtest]

I am in an ethical dilemma here, and I hope you all can help me. My fiance and one of my oldest friends have been becoming very close. This doesn't bother me so much, though my friend I have grown apart in the last 5 years. So in reality he is never really coming to see me or IMing me or calling me, but rather her. She needs more friends, but I was hoping she would step from her comfort zone a little to make them instead of tapping into my friends for that. Oh well, at least she has a friend.

We use her computer to do any of our photowork, so I was pulling some off the camera and of course she left her IM window open, and what do I do, like a douche is look at the conversations. Well it turns out that my friend basically trash talks me all the time. Thats fine, I have my own issues with him and its not a big deal. Here are the two issues I have come up with.

1. One of the things she told him about me was something she said she wouldn't talk about to anyone. I was a little hurt by that. Not devastated, but it makes me wonder as their relationship goes on, is if she can release this big secret on the fly, how many more of the secrets I shared will get though to the one friend I don't want to know about them?

2. I have viewed this as a great opportunity for self development! I have seen an unprecedented look at the things he (and to a lesser extent, she) think is wrong with me, which is a great outside view. I am viewed as being controlling, which I never thought I was. I need to look closer and see if that might be the case. So I am partially grateful that this happened. Rarely will people tell you face to face these things, and if you hear them, they are diluted though the filter of someone else.

My friend in his rantings about me, is definitely telling her his version of all these stories about me (which we all do), and she doesn't much question them. I am concerned she will take them at face value. He also is notorious for trying to get with other peoples girlfriends and uses trash talk to make himself look better. I believe she is above that and our bond is strong, however, we have a pretty open relationship, but always thought it would be better to stay away from each others friends...so theres another element.

So, my real problem and the one I really need feedback on, is that I breached trust, and I feel like a jerk. In that breach I found that my trust was breached, but also found a wealth of criticism I can use to better myself. Do I consider my fiance and I even for the trust breaking, or do I bring it up?

Start slinging thoughts, I really appreciate it.

[JimOfferman]

Two things:

1. What you have read are the words of the conversation, not the actual feel or intention behind it. So your picture is incomplete and chances are that you are reading everything wrong. Your preconceptions about your friend aren't helping either.

2. You're in murky waters now. Get out quick! I would try to defuse the situation. Try something like "Honey, I'm sorry I was a total jerk. You left your IM open and I couldn't resist reading your conversations. Sorry! I'll do better next time."

What you say next depends, of course, on how she takes this. Note one thing, though: you have absolutely no right to be angry with her at this point. You made the mistake by invading her privacy (to which she is entitled, even within the confines of a relationship). Whatever she talked about with your friend and what that means is between him and her.

Good luck.