I could use your support and encouragement right now.

[Angela]

Single and not looking is good! Enjoy the attention you get during your unattainable period. Well, maybe "enjoy" is not the right word. Maybe more like wry, sardonic amusement, like a princess shooting fleas off her naked body with a tiny golden cannon fashioned for just that purpose.

I think it's those little sighs a woman makes during the U.P. For some reason, it's like catnip to men.

When you're ready, you're ready, and not a moment before.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I guess that's all I'm saying. I had my first kiss at 24 and my first boyfriend at 25. I am not one to rush these things! That's what I meant by personality. Both the kiss guy and the current ex (different people) were guys I'd known a really long time - 12 and 7 years respectively. It's almost embarrasing to even put that out there, but it's just me.

[Trezker]

Hey I'm 25 and the only relationship I ever had was for three days at a festival.
I haven't even started looking for a relationship. I should try to get to know girls but I'm not into getting to know people IRL.

[Rose of Cairo]

Hey Aspiring, feel free to ramble and rant as much as you want here. We love you for that too

I can relate to your story. When my most serious relationship (so far) broke off, it was horrible for me. I still loved him and he still loved me but it was just impossible to live together. We had a very hard time letting go of each other. We were unable to see each other for years after that. I thought we were made for each other, that I would never find someone who's that great again, I even wondered if I would survive that and even though I was the one leaving, I could not believe what was happening and thought it must be possible to fix it somehow. It took me years to move on, in which I was not able to have any relationship.

I wish you that it doesn't take you years to move on! Cause it's definitely possible. There is no "one". Today it's ok, I can talk to him and wouldn't want him back. I even met someone recently who's much greater than that guy ever was, so it's possible, you see. You'll reach that point too some day. I had such a hard time because I didn't know any of the things you already have learned (like high/low self-esteem, taking 100% responsibility, creating a life you love, Byron Katie...). With those skills, you really can get over it much faster than I did.

But you need time alone to grieve, so take that time.

I think you're being reacting a lot now. To you pain and to the situation. How about creating something you like from scratch? Move to an apt that is really you. Build your life like you love it, without planning with someone else. It doesn't do you any good to cling to that hope he would come back. Grieve, and move on.

edit: ohyeah, what I meant is that he's the one taking the decision now, and you're passively reacting to it. How about you deciding that it's over and leave him and move on to something better? You could decide that in your new life there is unfortunately no space for him...

lots of love,

{{{{hug}}}}

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

And Notes, I didn't mean to imply I couldn't make the trip. I have a friend who lived in Ft Worth for years and I drove the 5 hours all the time to visit! If you want to meet up I have a friend who would ride with me if schedules can be coordinated. Let me know in PM if you want.

I'd at LEAST meet you half-way, missy. When I get my ticket, you'll be third in line to know! The Renaissance Woman, as I call my friend, is a college professor, so I'll have some time to kill between her classes!

[Lola]

Darn this working and making money all day! Look at all this girl talk I missed!

a. I wanna be in the Pain Hospital, too. I'm not currently experiencing any pain so I'll just take one of those fold-out chairs, but I do require all medicinal aid mentioned (deserts, chocolate martinis, male strippers, ice cream, oversized sweats...can we give each other pedicures, too?)

b. There's photographic evidence floating around somewhere of what happened last time I had chocolate martinis. Something to do with a jetted tub and bubbles, I don't know.

c. Seriously - (because apparently someone has to be the grown-up )...

aspiring, rant all you want. Cry all you want. Feel it all and get it out. Then pick your pretty self up, wash that man right out of your hair, and go get your new apartment (yes, an even better one is being prepared for you at this very moment).

Jim's right (is it any wonder we love him so!) - the work BF needs to do is his to do. It is his to discover. It is his to decide if he wishes to do it. It is his to do. It is also his to leave under a rock for the rest of his life if he so chooses.

Here's the deal (warning - expert opinion with two decades experience coming up) - when you love a guy that has potential, a guy that could be so very, very great if only he would __________, a guy that has so much going for him especially if he would only let you help - is a guy who hears, "I do not accept you. You are not good enough as you are." And that, my dear, whether it is your intent or not, breeds mistrust and resentment. Two illnesses from which relationships never recover.

Busy yourself with the busy-work in front of you. Make decisions for yourself (I like Rose's suggestion that you decide this is over). Indulge yourself. Treat yourself like the princess you are so when you are ready and looking again, you'll recognize what that treatment feels like and you'll refuse to settle for anything less.

/butt-kick

[NotesMaeve]

I've been whiny this evening because I also require the medical treatment of Pain Hospital! :9 we had guac on flax crackers with fresh fruit. Delicious, but I need chocolate martinis. And espresso cake, stat!

And pedicures are a MUST.

Lola, that was a beautiful thing to say. <3

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks again, ladies and gents.

I always told him that I saw how great he is. He was the one who didn't see it. He thinks lowly of himself, not me. And if I ever did give off that impresssion, you are right that I never meant to. Does it seem like that is the case when he has told me I am the only one who has loved him no matter what and the only one who has believed in him? I just really hope that I have not made him feel like he would be great...if.

I know that I am deserving of wonderfulness. And I know that if things stay as they are now in time I will be ready to move on. Right now I will just wallow a little longer if you guys can stand it.

I have written a letter to him. It's basically expressing how I appreciate the relationship for what it was and I support him and wish the best for him. I am not even sure yet if I will give it to him, but I wrote it down and I really said everything I wanted to say.

I am sorry if I seem like I am not taking all of your great advice. Sometimes I feel like I must not be communicating everything well because it seems like you guys get the wrong impression. But maybe that is just me being blind to reality. I don't know for sure.

No matter what I know that this is so much easier just having you all to talk to.

[NotesMaeve]

Get down with your bad self, woman! I trust you to do as you must!

Trust me, I wallowed for six months, although mostly in the context of the relationship.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I am being a big girl and respecting his wish not to have contact. So I am here because I just really want to hear his voice and see how he's doing, but I am not gonna. Lip service about how much you love someone is so easy compared to actually loving them enough to do what they want instead of what you want. I was raised Christian and I still feel like there is some kind of god out there so I still pray. It's comforting and for me is like having an intention and then releasing it. It makes me feel like I can intrust his care to something larger and not feel so responsible for helping him feel better. So I am praying for him to have the strength he needs to deal with everything that is hurting him. And I am asking that he have peace.

One of the hardest parts is knowing how much he's hurting right now and that I am unable to prevent it. But Jim (and everybody) was right that he has to do this for himself. It wouldn't last or mean anything if I did it all for him. I think it has a lot to do with personality too. I like to have someone there physically with me to talk to and to hold onto when I am going through troubles. He likes to do everything himself and never show any vulnerability. And when I think about it, he always stepped up and gave me the comfort I needed when I was struggling. He would listen to me and put his arms around me and just stay with me until I felt better. But to return that favor to him means for me to leave him alone.

I know I am still overthinking everything. But I mentioned to Angela that I was posting here instead when I felt like talking to him and that might be a lot in this first phase of transition. Previously when we broke up, I didn't listen to what he was asking of me (to be left alone) and it prolonged the pain for both of us. When I quit that I was able to heal faster. In that instance we ended up getting back together after he'd had some time to work things out. I don't expect that to happen this time, but I know we will still both benefit from me respecting his wishes.

It's funny because I've realized that most of my time was spent with him and maybe that makes this harder. In "real life" I have only a couple of truly close friends that I've known since high school and then my family. Most of my physical time was spent at work or with him. I guess that's why I've had a very alone feeling. So now I know I need to call up my friends and make some plans to fill up some of that time. I think that will help.

Anywho, I am just rambling again until the sense of urgency to call him passes and it is fading now so I will move along.

[Rose of Cairo]

Hey Aspiring, I like the idea of you writing here when you feel a need to talk to him. I think it's a very good idea. Even though I don't always reply, I read each of your posts with great interest, glad to know how you're doing. As I can see, you're doing very well.

I'm sorry you're feeling somewhat misunderstood. You know, when we react to your problem we're all just mirroring things that are inside of ourselves. It's normal that you cannot relate to everything. I don't think that anyone here expects you to follow all of our advice. We just want you to know that we are here for you, and maybe you can grasp a few useful words here and there.

Meeting your friends and making nice plans to fill this extra time is a great idea. You could even turn it around and decide that you absolutely need to take some extra time to do some nice things for yourself now. How about sauna, wellness, massage, pedicure and the like? Take care of yourself

hugs, thinking of you. I don't pray but when meditating you're always amongst the people I send some love to

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks Rose! I'll take all the love you want to send. I don't even expect all of you to read all of my posts since I know they can get pretty depressing . But at least I can get the feelings out on here instead of making a mistake and calling him.

I know a lot of people here are giving me advice based on their own experiences. And everyone only wishes to help and make things better. Sometimes I resist because it is not what I want to hear, but I still appreciate it and I go back and read it again sometimes so I can try to really hear what they are saying. I guess the hardest part is just having to face the fact that maybe, if what everyone is saying is true, we will never get back together. I know it's a big possibility. And I know I would be okay. But it still is hard to hear right now, so soon since we broke up.

I bought myself a nice coat and some shoes and I also took myself to a couple of nice dinners. I have been wanting to go to this trail I know for a hike, but the weather is yucky here. When it gets nicer I will go. I think I will check out the Jennifer Ehle/Colin Firth version of Pride and Predjudice since you guys got me thinking about that in the other thread. Pretty soon I will be very busy taking things out of the house for donation, for sale or to store until I move. I think that will be a healing process as he gets all his stuff out and I move to a new place that we never shared together. It is hard sometimes to go home when I have all of his clothes in the closet and his pictures on the mantle and the dogs there looking at me so sad.

Everyday it gets a little better - with a few regressions sometimes. The plain truth is I just miss him. And I guess I will for a while, but I am doing pretty well.

Wow, every time I write something it ends up being long!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

...I know they can get pretty depressing .

Are you kidding? It is so inspiring to listen to you as you go through these things so boldly and honestly. I cheer for you in every little triumph, and feel for you with every trial. Your posts are fun to read! Well, fun might not be exactly the right word...... Inspiring is the right word.

... if what everyone is saying is true, we will never get back together.

I don't remember anyone saying that. I think what everyone is saying is: whether or not you get back together is not important. Your well-being is very important. I feel pretty confident in speaking for everyone here that we are your cheerleaders, your greek chorus, and the antidote to the little gremlin on your shoulder -- completely, 100% on your side in living a life you love.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

I don't remember anyone saying that. I think what everyone is saying is: whether or not you get back together is not important. Your well-being is very important. I feel pretty confident in speaking for everyone here that we are your cheerleaders, your greek chorus, and the antidote to the little gremlin on your shoulder -- completely, 100% on your side in living a life you love.

I can see that you are all on my side. Definitely. That has never been in question.

I will go back and see if I can pinpoint where it was I got that feeling. I don't mean to put words in anyone's mouth.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hmmm, well I've kind of scanned back quickly and I think it was more about me getting defensive on his behalf.

I got a similar feeling when I called my cousin and she immediately went to "he's not good enough for you" and "you'll find someone else." I guess I just feel like he is very wonderful, not perfect, but not below me. And I read things into what people were saying that were not consistent with their intent.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I just got an email that there is a studio loft available where I want to move. I could move tomorrow except for the dogs. I really am not sure what to do.

[Rose of Cairo]

You can't take them with you, not even one of them? Hmm... can't you let them somewhere temporarily? Family, friends...? Damn, I would take them if I were in the US!

It would do you good to leave the house and move to a pretty new place. I'm still sharing the apt with my ex and it's really not easy. It would make it easier for you to have a new environment.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

The problem with the dog situation is that I didn't want dogs to begin with. Of course I really grew to love them, but I am really not a dog person. My parents have agreed to take one. They already have one of her puppies so she will be reunited with her son. One other one belongs to my ex bf's brother and he is going to take her somewhere. So I still have two more. One is a big one and he will eat my cat in an apartment (it's a studio so no bedroom to separate them) and go crazy. The chihuahua I might be able to keep if I could get him a crate because my cat will eat him!

Rose, believe me, if I could afford to fly over there and do a doggie delivery I would.

The thing that gets me mad about all of this is that I never wanted dogs, but since my ex moved out I am the one who is stuck dealing with the ramifications. I feel so sad having to give them up, but I don't know what to do. He can't take them because he is staying with his parents who won't allow it. The same thing happened last time we broke up actually. Our dog had puppies because he wanted to keep the puppies (I wanted to get her fixed right when we found out she'd been fooling around, but he wouldn't hear of it), but then he left. Two ended up dying, I convinced my parents to take one and another I gave to a couple I didn't even know. I still worry about how he's being treated and it makes me sad!

Ahhh, part of me thinks I should just rent a house so I don't have to give them away.

This sucks almost as much as getting dumped by the man you love. I feel like they will think I abandoned them. Yes, I am one of those people who think animals have feelings!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Seriously, if any of my friends in Texas (Lola?) want a dog I will take them to you. Or even further. I love a road trip!

[Angela]

Hey, Aspiring, I'm just wondering, why are you taking on all the dog responsibility yourself? Why are you not standing up for yourself and giving back that onus to Mr. Letsgetthreedogs? He's the father; he should be shouldering this burden with you. And that is from someone who hates *shoulds*! There are repercussions to your actions, Mr. Muttabandoner. Even if he's not ready to talk about the relationship, he's got some **** to shuck here.

Hey, I just noticed that should is part of shoulder. Hmmm.

[NotesMaeve]

Grr @ him ditching you with all those dogs.

Grr @ you, Aspy's ex. Grr.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Seriously, if any of my friends in Texas (Lola?) want a dog I will take them to you. Or even further. I love a road trip!

Girl, you don't know how close my fingers were to typing out - Meet me halfway and I'll take the dogs. But I stopped myself. I'd love to be able to provide you with some tangible help. I have space inside and out for dogs. I love dogs. I love you. But because I too (used to!) take on more than my share of the responsibility for relationships, I already have full custody by default of too many pets that get too little of my time and attention.

I'm trying to think of anyone I know that may be in the market for a dog.

I don't know if you want to consider anything like this but Animal Defense League is a no-kill shelter in San Antonio. Looks like they have a pretty rigid adoption process so they wouldn't be going home with just anyone. Don't know if you can *donate* your animals to them or not but it might be worth talking to them.

Meanwhile, give some thought as to how you might *encourage* XBF to carry his own weight here. It's not only your problem.

ps - I find it significant that a studio apt where you want to live just *happened* to open up, don't you?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I don't really know how I could "make" him take responsibility?

I want them to have good homes not just get them out of here. He would probably just take them to the pound. He likes them, but he doesn't have the same feeling that dogs have feelings the same as people. I guess that is at the center of it? It wouldn't be ideal to him, but he wouldn't put as much thought into it as I am.

Seriously, if anyone knows anyone who wants a dog and is nice let me know.

It's one of those situations where it falls to the person who cares the most I guess.

He would ask me what I want him to do about it. And I am not sure what the answer would be.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Yes, Lola on the apartment. And I hope I didn't make you feel bad about the dogs. You just happen to be the closest! You see, he is the impulsive one and I am the responsible one -- who happens to have a soft spot for stray animals. My cat is pretty low maintenance, but the poor dogs just don't get enough from me. I feel sad because they rush me when I get home and I have so little time to give them.

Before when I had the puppies, I called every day to the Humane Society and Animal Defense League and they had no room. I will try that again though. I'd really rather get them into a family myself, but that's a better option than them being homeless.

If you do think of anyone, send them to me. I will drive pretty much anywhere to give them a good home.

I will post a link to pictures.

[Angela]

What, this great guy, whom you have loved so deeply and are so quick to defend, would totally leave you high and dry when it comes to something as important as three lives?!?

You don't trust him to do his best by these animals, or at least put some thought into the next right action? You're positive that you alone are supposed to handle this, without even asking him for his help? You already know what he's going to say before he says it????

(p.s., sounds like although he may be a little dense, he can take instruction. )

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Here's the flickr page with a few pics:

I need a home

I just get sad when I look at those adorable faces and think of leaving them somewhere. Will they think I don't love them? Will they miss me and try to run away to our old house only to find no one is there? Boo-hoo!!!

Edit: I changed the link to only show the pretty boy who still needs to be adopted.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

What, this great guy, whom you have loved so deeply and are so quick to defend, would totally leave you high and dry when it comes to something as important as three lives?!?

You don't trust him to do his best by these animals, or at least put some thought into the next right action? You're positive that you alone are supposed to handle this, without even asking him for his help? You already know what he's going to say before he says it????

(p.s., sounds like although he may be a little dense, he can take instruction. )

He wouldn't leave me high and dry if I gave him some way to help. I am just not sure what to ask of him. I will ask him to check around with his family and friends and co-workers. And he will. I don't think it's up to me alone, but I just have a feeling that his ultimate answer if none of that pans out would be to take them to the pound and I won't do that.

Edit: PS He wouldn't do that with a kid or anything, but to him the dogs are not as important as the other stuff he's dealing with. At least that's the impression I get. But you are right I shouldn't assume anything.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

What do you think I "should" do?

[Lola]

Oh, you didn't make me feel bad. I was battling myself about taking them before you even suggested it! (And darn you for posting those pics and testing my resolve!)

You know we can't tell you what to do - that's cheating! (Of course we're happy to wear you out with what you should do when you don't ask!)

I know I'm getting one thing pretty strongly. I think you * should* jump on that apartment. At least go check it out and get a feel for it.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

What do you think I "should" do?

{{{{{{shudder}}}}}} oh, how that word rubs me.

What if you were being what you invented for yourself? It might be daunting to take that on in the larger scheme of things, but what if you took it on, just in the area of the dogs? You know, when you break up a romantic partnership, it doesn't just POOF disappear with no signs or dust or evidence of ever having existed. It's not inappropriate to work together to find a more desirable, third possibility that neither of you might be able to come up with on your own. It's not doing him any favors for you to shield him from the responsibility of real adult life, and the consequences of his actions. You might let him know,

Look, I could really use some help here. These are still our kids and it's important to me that they be safe and loved; that they not suffer just because we couldn't work things out. That's not fair. I would like you to work with me to find a solution to this.

....and recruit the mom! She sounds like a cool chick, right?

Oh, aspiring, those dogs are so beautiful! I wish I wish I could have one, but no. Wherever they end up, someone is going to love the dickens out of them. You sure you can't keep even the little bitty one?

Good luck. I am sorry I am such a Bossy Boots. I should come to Texas.

oh, there I go again! {{{{{shudder}}}}}}}}