No friends, very few relationships = weird loner?

[A2K89]

Is that a sad little title for this thread?

Hello I am an 18 year old dude, and I currently live with my parents. I have a very leisurely part time work schedule, and tomorrow will be the beginning of my second semester of community college.

So... Is it strange for someone my age, to have basically zero friends, and still be content? The only people who I really interact with are a couple faces at work, my sister, mother, and random strangers on gaming+political forums.

I do have someone I consider a life long friend, someone who I knew growing up, but we really don't hang out much at all anymore. I think I disappoint him by being so distant.

Would it be nice to have some friends, and a girl friend? Yes I think it probably would be. While recognizing this, I still don't really care to go out and meet people. I have a long history of being shy, but over the past year or so I've gained more confidence and happiness. People still call me shy, but I think they say that just because I don't have all that much to say. I don't seem to have much in common with the people around me and society in general. Whereareas other people my age are interested in working towards building upon some specific career path, and getting wasted on a daily basis, I have no interest in such things.

You could say my existence right now is comprised of observing the world as a whole (political,environmental,spiritual, changes etc) and exploring myself (intrapersonal/spiritual endeavors, plain self improvement).

So what am I? A "loner"? Is it normal to be a loner? Is this a phase, or some mental dysfunction of mine?

Some of you might have read Eckhart Tolle's "A New Earth".
The following is an expert from his book, which is just a definition he provided that I want to focus on.

They are more inward looking by nature, and for them the outward movement into form is minimal. They would rather return home than go out. If they have any ambitions, they usually don't go beyond finding something to do that gives them a degree of independence. Some of them find it hard to fit into this world. Some are lucky to find a protective niche where they can lead a relatively sheltered life, a job that provides them with a regular income or a small business of their own. Some may feel drawn toward living in a spiritual community based community or monastery. Others may become dropouts and live on the margins of a society they feel they have little in common with. Some turn to drugs because they find living in this world too painful. Others eventually become healers or spiritual teachers, that is to say, teachers of being.

There is more I could include, but I don't want this to be a discussion about Tolle's philosophy. The point is that paragraph seems to describe me fairly well.

Sorry for the essay, not certain where I'm going with this.. Well I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life of course. I've figured myself out, and what philosophies I want to live by, thats something to say at this age. But I still don't have the specifics, what I want to do for a living, will I get married, will I move, etc.

Have you encountered any hermits like me? Any input you could give.. How does an apparent loner go about living a fulfilling life? Should I change my ways? Am I stabbing in the dark here by asking such difficult questions.. lol

[yossarian]

Well, I'm 22, and in basically the same boat. In fact, when I was 18, I would say I was in the identical boat. And I've always been this way, more or less.

So you aren't the only one.

My relationships with most people come and go. It's not that I'm anti-social or can't socialize, I just don't do the "hanging out" thing or enjoy it at all, so the new friends I make slowly disappear. The girls I get involved with are flashes in the pan because while I have a deep love for many women I've known, lifestyle choices (so far) haven't made long term relationships productive. I always feel connected to these women, and I don't mourn breakups.

I meet new people all the time, and for awhile they contribute a lot to my life, and then they pass away. This doesn't sadden me.

In truth, the closest friends I've had are internet friends who I've never met in person. It's a lot easier to find someone that fits into your lifestyle online. Some of my internet friends I've known for 7 years now, and talked to consistently about real life issues throughout those years, stuff that I rarely get to talk about in person just because most people I've met can't relate.

For many years I felt a lot of shame because society considers this kind of life to be unacceptable, but over time I've got more and more comfortable with myself and learned that social norms are not a good metric for mental health.

There's a new age take on this that, over the years, has seemed more and more true to me. The Indigo child phenomenon - people literally not born for this present earth but born for the coming earth. Born for the "new" earth of the "new" age that is right around the corner. Many "Indigos" find very little to identify with in the physical consensus reality, and by nature have their awareness pointed in another direction. Apparently, from a psychological perspective, the indigo archetype is truly unprecedented in human beings. We may very well be a new type of person for a new time.

What purpose do I find on this Earth? Very little of it interests me... the small slice of experience that does interest me is entirely centered around personal development, with the intention of being of service to the personal development of humanity. I am motivated by essentially nothing besides this... no emotional drives or physical drives, no major cravings or aversions, no major anger or hatred and not all that much stuff which could be identified as past karma. There is certainly plenty of grist for the mill - fate ensures that. But nothing of the kind that I see others deal with. In a lot of ways, my physical existence is a flatline and the entire activity of my life has been in a different realm of existence.

It's taken me years to realize that I was truly different - not just that other people are mysterious or hidden - but that I truly march to an odd drumbeat.

Some say we've come here to balance ourselves primarily and secondarily to usher in the new earth. I have no proof of this but as my awareness matures, there is a knowing from within that tells me this is truth.

Food for thought

Oh, btw, I still haven't figured out how I'm going to "live" my life. Right now I'm moving towards being a kind of counselor so I can quietly work on myself while helping out people with their issues. It's not that I'm highly motivated to this particular job, just that I recognize I need to live somehow, and also I recognize that I am completely disinterested in every activity that doesn't either improve myself or improve others. So I'm aiming for a job where I can spend the majority of time helping out people with their important issues - which is to say, help out people in dealing with their karma. Help out people in their own spiritual development.

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by A2K89

There is more I could include, but I don't want this to be a discussion about Tolle's philosophy. The point is that paragraph seems to describe me fairly well.

Me too. Can you tell me who is the "they" he is describing in that paragraph?

Sorry I have no advice for you, being more than twice your age and having been like that, in that paragraph more or less, since before I can remember, I have not managed to live in this world and get closer to leaving it all the time and I still don't know how to live. I am an example of what not to do if you are like that. Of course, I never had any idea...or means...or anything...to fix myself or help myself.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

Me too. Can you tell me who is the "they" he is describing in that paragraph?

Sorry I have no advice for you, being more than twice your age and having been like that, in that paragraph more or less, since before I can remember, I have not managed to live in this world and get closer to leaving it all the time and I still don't know how to live. I am an example of what not to do if you are like that. Of course, I never had any idea...or means...or anything...to fix myself or help myself.

I just want you to know that I've followed your posts on this forum for some years now and (as stupid as it may sound) you've been a comfort to me because I see so much of myself in you.

So I hope that we can be of similar comfort to this gent.

[A2K89]

Thanks for the feedback, we do seem to be in a similar same boat.

Originally Posted by yossarian

My relationships with most people come and go. It's not that I'm anti-social or can't socialize, I just don't do the "hanging out" thing or enjoy it at all, so the new friends I make slowly disappear.

The friends I had in high school used to joke and say that I was anti-social, but really I just found that I had less and less things in common with them as time passed. The people who I considered to be my best friends in 9th grade, slowly became old friends/memories by my senior year.

For many years I felt a lot of shame because society considers this kind of life to be unacceptable, but over time I've got more and more comfortable with myself and learned that social norms are not a good metric for mental health.

I no longer feel any tension about being different. But for example when my parents urge me to just pick a career choice and work my ass off towards it... and I can't explain why such a lifestyle doesn't suit me.. It is strange..

And yes I agree, social norms definitely are not a good way of measuring health. I now whats not right for me (which includes many of todays social norms), but still don't have a full picture of what is right for me.

There's a new age take on this, over the years, has seemed more and more true to me. The Indigo child phenomenon - people literally not born for this present earth but born for the coming earth. Born for the "new" earth of the "new" age that is right around the corner. Many "Indigos" find very little to identify with in the physical consensus reality, and by nature have their awareness pointed in another direction. Apparently, from a psychological perspective, the indigo archetype is truly unprecedented in human beings. We may very well be a new type of person for a new time.

Yes I'm familiar with such theories, pretty fascinating stuff. Part of me really believes this is true (and not just because its comforting), and another part of me still remains cautiously skeptical.

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

Me too. Can you tell me who is the "they" he is describing in that paragraph?

I'll re-read the chapter and get back to you sometime about it, can't give a good explanation at the moment.

Definitely recommend you give the book a spin.

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by yossarian

I just want you to know that I've followed your posts on this forum for some years now and (as stupid as it may sound) you've been a comfort to me because I see so much of myself in you.

Thanks for telling me that

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by A2K89

The friends I had in high school used to joke and say that I was anti-social, but really I just found that I had less and less things in common with them as time passed. The people who I considered to be my best friends in 9th grade, slowly became old friends/memories by my senior year.

When I was little, before high school, I used to get teased and one of the things they always said was that I live in my own world. Unbelievably, in recent months I have been around more people than is customary for me and one who was sort of my friend used to ask me "where are you?" when I would be sitting right next to him. He said I go far away somewhere and he didn't like that.

The longer I'm alone, the more I like to be with myself and the less I want friends, or you could also say the less I want to get close to anyone personally, because the cost for being close to most people is so great, and I am only free when I'm alone, and it would have to be a very unusual person who I could stay free with. I don't want to be alone, but the alternative feels worse. Theoretically, I ought to be able to be present with others in some degree, but I have no emotional and psychological foundation to keep myself from losing myself too much with or "in" them, their problems, their lives.

I no longer feel any tension about being different. But for example when my parents urge me to just pick a career choice and work my ass off towards it... and I can't explain why such a lifestyle doesn't suit me.. It is strange..

I never thought I was different. Relationships with people enabled me to understand that I am a very difficult person to be in a relationship with.

[jaamkie]

cool- I will have to read Tolle, that paragraph felt sort of maybe like describing me as well- though I don't know that I would put myself in some special category of people, I feel like I'm normal and other people just seem oddly overly attached to things/relationships. It's nice to read that other people here feel the same way: mostly empty, comfortably alone but feeling connected to the world, not unhappy, with a desire to help humanity but not to get enmeshed in relationships and commitments with them all. I do think you shouldn't entirely rule out relationships or worry about them overmuch- I've met a few great guys who are similarly empty and had great comfortable free-feeling relationships of various natures- it's just important to be who you are and not let potential partners hope/expect more than you naturally give, because it does suck to disappoint and have to walk away to avoid hurting them more.

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by A2K89

You could say my existence right now is comprised of observing the world as a whole (political,environmental,spiritual, changes etc) and exploring myself (intrapersonal/spiritual endeavors, plain self improvement).
....... How does an apparent loner go about living a fulfilling life? Should I change my ways? Am I stabbing in the dark here by asking such difficult questions.. lol

Hi A2K89,
To me you seem like someone who knows how to be true to yourself. Not only do I think there is nothing wrong with that, I think it's the only way to go! Everyone is different. We needn't follow a prescribed way of doing anything. I say be who you are and let your life unfold according to the path you're on!

[A2K89]

Originally Posted by jaamkie

cool- I will have to read Tolle, that paragraph felt sort of maybe like describing me as well- though I don't know that I would put myself in some special category of people, I feel like I'm normal and other people just seem oddly overly attached to things/relationships. It's nice to read that other people here feel the same way: mostly empty, comfortably alone but feeling connected to the world, not unhappy, with a desire to help humanity but not to get enmeshed in relationships and commitments with them all. I do think you shouldn't entirely rule out relationships or worry about them overmuch- I've met a few great guys who are similarly empty and had great comfortable free-feeling relationships of various natures- it's just important to be who you are and not let potential partners hope/expect more than you naturally give, because it does suck to disappoint and have to walk away to avoid hurting them more.

Of course I won't rule it out... In fact I think I need to experiment and put myself out there in the world more. I'll just be myself, without expecting any results. If someone is disinterested in me, and we just are not compatible, then so be it, it doesn't mean I should assume it will be this way with everyone.

Originally Posted by ZHereford

Hi A2K89,
To me you seem like someone who knows how to be true to yourself. Not only do I think there is nothing wrong with that, I think it's the only way to go! Everyone is different. We needn't follow a prescribed way of doing anything. I say be who you are and let your life unfold according to the path you're on!

I think I've decided I need to be more open, I must test different waters.. I can be true to myself while trying other things.

Thanks for all the input.

[astra]

If you're happy with your life, then why bother changing it? Some people are naturally introverted, and there's nothing wrong with that. If you really thought you needed friends, you'd have a burning desire to go out and make some. I'm a little like this, although not quite to the same extent as you. Have you tried taking a personality test like the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator? I found it very reassuring, perhaps it will put your mind at rest that it's ok for you to be happy the way you are..

[Zomer Briez]

I also have few friends.

I think this is the main reason why:
(Probably the same for a lot of us here)

- 90% or more of people are less intelligent (This is true if you have an IQ of 130 or more) and
getting along with people of dissimilar intelligence (even if it is only 5-10 IQ points) can be difficult.

If you have an IQ of the average 100 there's going to be a lot more people in the suitable intelligence range to get along with than if you have an IQ around 130 or more.



Interestingly both my best friend and I scored the same exact intelligence,
and my parents who've been happily married for 27 years also scored the same exact intelligence.

So I definitely think it's important to have a similar IQ to have a good relationship. If two friends don't have the same IQ the less intelligent one will feel intimidated all the time and the more intelligent one will be annoyed by the other's lack of intelligence all the time.

On a random note I've always felt like I've gotten along with more people in Japan. I feel like there's just a larger number of intelligent people there, and sure enough looking at some statistics recently the average IQ there is 107, versus the United State's 98.

[Sly Apple Pie]

Originally Posted by Zomer Briez

I also have few friends.

I think this is the main reason why:
(Probably the same for a lot of us here)

- 90% or more of people are less intelligent (This is true if you have an IQ of 130 or more) and
getting along with people of dissimilar intelligence (even if it is only 5-10 IQ points) can be difficult.

If you have an IQ of the average 100 there's going to be a lot more people in the suitable intelligence range to get along with than if you have an IQ around 130 or more.



Interestingly both my best friend and I scored the same exact intelligence,
and my parents who've been happily married for 27 years also scored the same exact intelligence.

So I definitely think it's important to have a similar IQ to have a good relationship. If two friends don't have the same IQ the less intelligent one will feel intimidated all the time and the more intelligent one will be annoyed by the other's lack of intelligence all the time.

On a random note I've always felt like I've gotten along with more people in Japan. I feel like there's just a larger number of intelligent people there, and sure enough looking at some statistics recently the average IQ there is 107, versus the United State's 98.

Perhaps the reason you have less friends is because you actually believe what you've just written, and rather than being intimidated, these perceived "less intelligent" people just see you as arrogant?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Zomer Briez

getting along with people of dissimilar intelligence (even if it is only 5-10 IQ points) can be difficult

This is a cause, not an effect. It is you not getting along with people of lesser intelligence, not the other way around. If you wish, you can get along with such people just fine.

Not every meaningful conversation has to be about quantum mechanics, you know.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by Zomer Briez

I also have few friends.

I think this is the main reason why:
(Probably the same for a lot of us here)

- 90% or more of people are less intelligent (This is true if you have an IQ of 130 or more) and
getting along with people of dissimilar intelligence (even if it is only 5-10 IQ points) can be difficult.

If you have an IQ of the average 100 there's going to be a lot more people in the suitable intelligence range to get along with than if you have an IQ around 130 or more.



Interestingly both my best friend and I scored the same exact intelligence,
and my parents who've been happily married for 27 years also scored the same exact intelligence.

So I definitely think it's important to have a similar IQ to have a good relationship. If two friends don't have the same IQ the less intelligent one will feel intimidated all the time and the more intelligent one will be annoyed by the other's lack of intelligence all the time.

On a random note I've always felt like I've gotten along with more people in Japan. I feel like there's just a larger number of intelligent people there, and sure enough looking at some statistics recently the average IQ there is 107, versus the United State's 98.

It seems to me what you're describing is really a gap between interests.

IQ is an expression of only the intellect and the intellect does not make the person. Most social interaction is an emotional interaction. However, many high-IQ people will make it an intellectual interaction because they've learned to rely on intelligence for everything. If you are talking logic-and-facts and someone else is talking intuition-and-feelings then you're not going to have any kind of communication at all really.

I think the intellect is seriously over-emphasized in our culture. It's only one small part of the whole human experience. But in North America we are taught to treat it like it is ALL that we are - like there is NOTHING else! Even fields that are entirely non-intellectual become intellectualized, like pretty much every art form for instance.

An intellectually directed approach to art is literally painting by numbers no matter how big your blockbuster budget may be. An intellectual approach to socializing is equally mis-guided.

If you find that you can only speak about certain topics and speak about them in terms of logic and facts, then you are probably completely unaware of several major parts of your anatomy. I've been there so I know it can happen.

[Zomer Briez]

Originally Posted by Sly Apple Pie

Perhaps the reason you have less friends is because you actually believe what you've just written, and rather than being intimidated, these perceived "less intelligent" people just see you as arrogant?

Yes, what I said was very arrogant sounding. My stating it though was not intented to flaunt itelligence or belittle other people.

(Though lately my "cool" roomate who constatley insults me and belittles me, has been informing me about how everyone at school calls me a loser/wierdo. So I have been in a real hate mood lately)

No, I don't think people are intimidated by me personally at all. Mostly people just think I'm a wierd loser (which I am).

Maybe I just came to that "intimidation" conclusion because I personally am intimidated by people smarter than I. But now that I think about it though, I'm intimidated by everyone. I feel like such a looser ass piece of **** all the time it makes me intimidated by and dislike everyone. I feel like everyone is always looking down on me too and that also makes me dislike them.

I still think thought that people of similar intelligence get along better than people who are not and I would be happier in life with an IQ of 100 (and perhaps not having clinical depression would help too).

... but still, I might just be weird and have no friends no matter what
and all this negative **** I always say, it must be emotionally draining and not fun to be around. And I'm always filled with this self pitty that must be annoying also.

Wow, this has made me realise how much I need to get back on anti-depressants, but... I'm afraid of them...

[JimOfferman]

Zomer,

Get some help. Seriously.

We can assist you in unrooting some of your disempowering beliefs, but I think you need a little more than that.

Don't get stuck where you are now, find help.

[yossarian]

Originally Posted by Zomer Briez

Yes, what I said was very arrogant sounding. My stating it though was not intented to flaunt itelligence or belittle other people.

(Though lately my "cool" roomate who constatley insults me and belittles me, has been informing me about how everyone at school calls me a loser/wierdo. So I have been in a real hate mood lately)

No, I don't think people are intimidated by me personally at all. Mostly people just think I'm a wierd loser (which I am).

Maybe I just came to that "intimidation" conclusion because I personally am intimidated by people smarter than I. But now that I think about it though, I'm intimidated by everyone. I feel like such a looser ass piece of **** all the time it makes me intimidated by and dislike everyone. I feel like everyone is always looking down on me too and that also makes me dislike them.

I still think thought that people of similar intelligence get along better than people who are not and I would be happier in life with an IQ of 100 (and perhaps not having clinical depression would help too).

... but still, I might just be weird and have no friends no matter what
and all this negative **** I always say, it must be emotionally draining and not fun to be around. And I'm always filled with this self pitty that must be annoying also.

Wow, this has made me realise how much I need to get back on anti-depressants, but... I'm afraid of them...

I've been there buddy. I know that feeling all too well. The worst part is how it's not just me that is miserable, but how I seem to make everyone around me miserable.

The bottom line is that despite the very real feeling that the entire world is just there to cause you misery... there ARE times when you feel joyous, when you laugh, when you even feel love. Think about those times for a second.

We tend to notice the bad stuff and focus on it. We tend to constantly criticize ourselves and then by extension we criticize everyone else. We may think it's actually helping ourselves or helping others. But, in truth, this criticism is pointless.

I bet there was a time in your life when you were happy for months on end without any depression in sight. What was different then?