Self Confidence Issues and How They Effect Social Life

[Nermax999]

Althrough out my high school life I have been excluded from many social groups except the one I am in now. Even now I am uncomfortable where I am.

As a result of this exclusion I have very low self confidence and self esteem. I do not like the way I look and am always concerned about looks. I do not like public areas with many people my age because I feel inferior to them.

One thing having no self confidence has prevented me from doing most of all is get a girlfriend or even talk to a girl. This is one of the most frustrating things I have ever had to face.

So feel free to tell your stories about this subject and give any advice on how to over come this problem. I dont care if you think this is a pathetic story either because it is a load of my shoulders.

[mintyway]

The first question that comes to my mind is "Do you have low self-esteem because you have been excluded from many different social groups, or Have you been excluded from social groups because you have low self-esteem?"

I would think the second option seems more realistic, as having low self-esteem will make you behave automatically in ways that won't be attractive to people. But you don't say much in your post. Could you provide us with some more information?

Alos, do you have as much problems talking to anyone new as you have talking to pretty girls?

[Fullcrum]

Hey, just read these two things.

Real Social Dynamics Blog: Outer Game Extravaganza

Bare Basics.

And this:

Don't You Know There's A War On? - Real Social Dynamics Nation

And follow the advice in there to a T. Read and listen to Eckhart Tolle daily, whenever you can. This has worked for me on a very deep level. My analytical mind used to bug me to no end. If you take a "no-mind" approach, this will work beautifully. Beautifully, like amazing. So do follow this approach to getting your social life back on track and clobbering the ego at the same time.

Others may disagree with this approach. But if you're serious you'll follow this, going out conssitently to meet strangers in all social environments is the FASTEST WAY to get better. That and cultivating "no-mind" and "self amusement."

[Adrian]

It sounds like you have this going on:

Low Self Esteem -> Low Self Confidence -> Feeling Inferior -> No Social Life

Do you often feel like you don't measure up to others in different areas of your life as well?

[RTF671]

Fullcrum, I don't see sarging as the fastest way to recover here. There are other problems before that. It will definitely help later but it's a bit too early for that stage now.

Nermax, this is not going to be an easy struggle uphill. Although you posted here so you are already on the way to recovery. My advice is to start slow and build yourself back up. Do not be afraid to go around the nearest mall and say hello to every stranger you pass. Do not be afraid to strike up some conversation with people inside stores. Like for example, you are inside a music store and you see some browsing the section you love, great! That's already one thing you have in common which is more than enough. Don't worry too much about girls/women but worry about people and rebuilding your connection with them.

So, the time has come for change. Just remember a smile is important and will get you far. So take whatever advice you can to heart and do something with it! And also keep us apprised on if it's working or not or need tweaking.
Take it easy at first and build momentum. Soon enough you will be a champ

[mintyway]

Well, with no additional information, I can only give two advices :

1. Like said before, smile to people : smile to those you just pass by in the street, and keep smiling to the people you talk to. Smile smile smile.
2. Look at them in the eyes at all times. But keep smiling of course otherwise you will come across as arrogant Not looking at people in the eyes will make you look very distant.

You'll be amazed to see what a difference these small actions make. It might be hard doing so at first, but it doesn't matter. Just do it a few times, you'll realize how powerfull it is and how much people will want to be closer to you.

[Fullcrum]

Yeah, smile for the win.

That and be in the now. Right here, right now.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

Right here, right now.

Que Fatboy Slim :P

[Nermax999]

mintyway I have low self esteem because I have been excluded. I have not been excluded because of low self esteem. I also have trouble talking to new people just the same as I have trouble talking to pretty girls or any girl for that matter.

Thanks for the advice and I will be sure to keep you posted on my successes in this field.

[mintyway]

Ok, I'd really like to help but I don't know you and don't have much info. But I've been quite in a similar situation a few years ago and I've come across quite a few shy persons, so here are my two cents based on a few asumptions I'm going to make.

So basically you have to deal with two problems :

1) You're doing something wrong that prevents you from being included in social groups

2) You're shy - afraid of people

IMHO, shyness in itself doesn't necessarily prevent you from having friends and meeting people. You can be shy, not talk much, and still be cheerful inside, something people will feel when they're around you. However, what shyness may cause is negative behaviours that make you look distant, standoffish or arrogant, like starring away or having a serious face. Perhaps when you do dare to make some humour it also comes of as "wrong comment, wrong moment" and that doesn't help either. That's what happens when you feel scared.

I wouldn't work on shyness itself, but only on the behaviours. You "just" really have to relax, smile to the world and look at it in the eyes. Just focus on doing so and enjoying the present moment. I know we've said it before, but I insist because many things will come in their right place once you're able to do that. You will also quicky see that displaying a certain behaviour does trigger the related emotions. For instance, if you smile, after some time you'll realize that you actually feel happier, instead of the other way around.

Just do it

Good luck.

[Fullcrum]

Hey, curious why you think people rejected you when you were younger...?

I mean really, you let those people dictate to you how you feel about yourself? So basically they control you? They can do stuff to piss you off and you'll feel bad because you think you have to? And you have low self-esteem, and it's their fault? ...?

These questions are meant to made you think and question your thoughts, not as personal attacks. So answer these, if only to yourself, honestly.

[PennyD]

Originally Posted by Nermax999

mintyway I have low self esteem because I have been excluded. I have not been excluded because of low self esteem.

I am really sorry Nermax but I am going to have to quote direct from the law of attraction.

You attract to you what you think!

hence if you think you are very likeable and popular and always included you will BE very likeable and popular and always included.

Work on thinking you are the bomb and you will be.

Take responsibility for your exclusion, it sucks, but you do have the ability to attract lots of inclusion into your life.

I know the above to be completely true as I have experienced it for myself.

Currently you are giving off poor me vibes and these have to change.

The law of attraction is real and it is not currently working for you in a positive way. Change the way you think and you will start to feel better and vibrate confidence and inclusion will fall at your door step.

We can help you with this.

[Rockchick26]

I can relate to this. I too have always been excluded,although somehow i always managed to have a best friend at any given time in my life. But even then,whenever we were both around other people,i was excluded even by them,almost like they took the side of the group. This happened from grade school all the way to now and i'm 35. In grade school (jr. high mostly) i was ridiculed for not having the right clothes,and having acne. In high school i was ridiculed for being "ugly" (as some guys put it). And now when i try to break out of my shell and talk more,i get ridiculed for being different and wierd,even though that doesnt bother me because i dont care how different i am,i accept myself now. I even accept my looks for the most part,and i have had one boyfriend in my life which i guess is better than nothing,even though he was the kind of guy that nobody else liked and other girls wouldnt date him. So i feel your pain on this issue. In my case my exclusion stemmed from being picked on as a child and even when i rose above that,it turned into being excluded because i dont talk very easily and when i do i usually get ridiculed for what i say,so,i kinda give up LOL I guess i dont really have any advice,just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

[Nermax999]

I am about to start a new school year and this year i think i will change my whole mind set as mentioned by PennyD. I will think that I am likable and popular and see how that works out. Thnx for the advice and i will be sure to keep you up to date.

[Fullcrum]

Yeah Nermax! We cheer you on.

Update us frequently on your progress so we can all help you - our advice combined will surely be potent!

One piece of advice: Be here now.

[Acting Like Godot]

It is very easy to solve your problem. You need a little practice, that is all. Do Steps 1 - 10 three times a week, until you have overwritten your past conditioning with more positive patterns of thinking.

How to Perform Self Hypnosis - wikiHow

For Step 7, instead of using positive statements, you may wish to visualise, say, a scene where you are talking happily and confidently with a group of girls who are obviously liking you a lot.

(For those who know about the Law of Attraction, you know that this modified Step 7 is going to do a lot more than just promoting self-confidence. Better not visualise any unattractive girls. ).