meeting women

[freddy]

Why is it so hard to start over after you loose at love. My wife died and I find it almost to frustrating to even wanting to try the dating game. I am way to shy. It took me years to meet my wife. And now with two kids. I am not going to be first pick in any contest. if you know what i mean. Any words of wisdom good or bad. TIA Freddy

[Rose of Cairo]

Hi freddy,

Originally Posted by freddy

I am not going to be first pick in any contest. if you know what i mean.

No, I don't know what you mean. Would you please elaborate why exactly you think you wouldn't be first pick in any contest?

It's not because of the kids, is it? Single dads with kids are totally sweet.

I find it strange that you find it difficult to meet women you know. I mean, your male friends, you didn't pick them up on the street to meet them, did you? I suppose you met them naturally while doing something you liked. So why don't you meet any women naturally while just doing something you like? Don't you have any hobbies?

Especially if you're taking care of two kids, actually I don't understand how you can not meet any women. Your kids go to school, or kindergarten, so you have contact to other parents, most of which are probably women, and not all married, I bet.

So meeting women is not the problem. What's the real problem?

Originally Posted by freddy

Why is it so hard to start over after you loose at love.

It's just as hard as you think it is But we're here to help you with this now.

[freddy]

I guess what I mean, is in general, many men don't want into a ready made family. So I guess I am making that leap in my own mind. Right or wrong I don't know.

I would agree it is strange. I did not have any solid dates until I was 36 ish Spent most time working and fishing bar hopping with friend who tried to set me up but I was very very resistant. Met my wife in church got married went 10 year. So now 38 and 8 and 10 year old. Even taking them to school I don't find it the best enviorment to talk with any parents, I think when the time comes maybe the food store?
I guess the underliying issue Is I fear the hurt that comes with the loss of a love. And when your shy it' twice as hard to get out there.

Funny thing is I read all the great post on this forum about shyness and how to get over it. But for me its would be easier to move your house 3" over to the left.
I will set forth my Intentions to meet very sweet woman who is avalible and looking for a life long commited relationship with me and my children. Who would be my perfect soul mate for the rest of my life.

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Indeed I understand it does not seem easy to start again dating after having been married. I feel it must be hard for you. However it is totally possible. If you want I can give you my advice on the dating thing, as it is something I have been interested in for the whole year of 2007 (working on relationships and dating was my goal for 2007). Excuse my poor English as I am French.

-Well, first, your own conception of dating will have a lot of influence on your success and your enjoyment of it. For instance, if you say "this is hard and this is a pain", then this will probably be. I have experienced this. Sometimes, I was in bad moods and feeling desperate, and these are the times when it was the most difficult and when I did not dare moving forward with girls. Other times I felt good and confident, and these are the times when I enjoyed the most trying to meet women, and when I had success.
So the good news is that your success does not depend on others' people state of mind but much more on yours. You can make it an enjoyable and easy ride. Meeting women is not very hard in itself, unless you are negative about it.
Of course, if you start to be positive about it, you will not see the results instantly. It takes a little time. First it will not change anything, so you might be tempted to think : "I am positive now and I see no results, I have still encoutered no one, so meeting women is hard". Don't do that. In my experience, if you are really shy, it takes aproximately one year of dedicated focus on this topic to see results, so be patient. (however the good news is that this is really FUN so it is not so important how long it is)

-Secondly, a very usefull perspective to be successful with meeting new people is to see that as a skill. Yes, meeting women (and people in general) is a skill that you can learn. So it is important to see the dating thing as something you have to learn. Therefore, you can make as many mistakes as you want when you try to meet girls, and not feel bad about you being rejected, because this is LEARNING. If you focus on this area of your life for 6 months to 1 year, you will make lots of mistakes, but in the end you will really acquire skills and become successfull. In the process you may also discover some part of yourself that you did not know and...ENJOY this process of learning.

-If you want to start learning a bit you can subscribe to David DeAngelo free news letter. (google this name and you should find it.). He gives very interesting advices. He also have an e-book that you can buy if you decide to really focus on this area of your life. (His e-book is usually considered by the dating gurus as the starting point for those who want to learn about dating).

-Don't hesitate to try beliefs that you would not really like in normal times. Sometimes a belief can seem bad, and when you try it from the inside you see it is not so bad. Change your beliefs for the sake of learning, if you don't like the results you get with your new belief then you can still get back to your previous belief. I say that because you need specific belief to be successful with dating, like : "I am the center of interest", "I am very seductive", "girls really like guys like me, I am so unique, the girl I will meet will be so lucky"...stuff like that. Again, seeing the results after changing a belief takes time, so be patient, and try to act according to this kind of belief.

-Very important one : Give what you want to get. If you want just sex, give sexual attraction (act like a playboy, be playful all the time, feel and act like an attractive man.)
If you want unconditional love, give unconditional love. This was something I took time to understand, (I got this advice on this forum btw), but it is really easy to get love when you first give it.
Also in order to love others, you first have to love yourself unconditionnaly. Do things such as looking at you in the mirror and say "I love you, I love all the good and bad in you" and really mean it. It seems funny but I swear it will feel good, (at least it does to me ). So love yourself unconditionnaly, then give love to others, and you will get their love too.

-Also never try to buy affection by being a nice guy if you just want sex, it decrease the attraction and this is not honest. (Read DeAngelo for more info on that). If it is love you want, don't try either to buy affection by being a nice guy, because you cannot buy love. Just be yourself and be nice when YOU decide, not when you think the girl wants you to be nice.

Developping my social skills is one of the things that I most enjoyed in my life. There are so much to learn in this area that it is impossible to sum it up all here.
It gave me the ability to connect better with people, and to discover myself along the way. I am sure it can be the same for you. This is a great growth experience that you can have by exploring all this.

Good luck and don't hesitate to keep us posted, we'll support you !

[Pegasus]

Men with kids have so many opportunities to meet women! PTA meetings, school plays, little league sports, birthday parties, play dates, hanging out in the park, child-centered activities, church, political rallies, etc.

I would not focus on finding a soul mate immediately. Try finding someone you enjoy being around. Take it slow and do not introduce your kids into the situation right away. Only have your kids spend time with you and a woman if it’s a woman whom you have been dating for a while and who is definitely part of your life.

[freddy]

Thanks for all that great advise, I just started looking into DeAngelo articles.
theknightwhosaysni What kinda success have you had in the last year. following advise from DeAngelo material? I read some of his stuff, and it sound great, but I find it hard to believe a average joe. Could walk up to any hot looking girl, and have them melt in there hands, like he make it out to sound. And He talking about hot hot looking girls in most of what I read about. Just sounds a bit over the top to me. Althought he dose hit on some good points. THANKS FOR THE GOOD ADVISE. Freddy

[smartile]

Hey Freddy,

I've got a different take on your endeavor to start a new relationship.

I believe all actions are either stemmed from love or fear. I'm going to assume that your shyness or resistance to meet new women and enter into a new relationships stems from fear.

Your fear acts like a counter-intention to your conscious decision to meet women. I'm curious if you're fear has come from some form of incompletion with your past wife? Would you feel guilty meeting new woman?

When I told my wife Trisha, "I love you" for the very first time it was very difficult. Some of my friends couldn't understand why this would be so difficult because they were brought up in an environment where it was normal to say "I love you" to their parents. I was not brought up this way.

Seeing that I didn't say "I love you" to my parents when I was growing up it made it very difficult for me to enter into new relationships. For years I was in relationships where there was no connectedness.

Once I did bring up the courage to tell Trisha "I love you" all those barriers melted away and I'm grateful that they did because I now have the most amazing relationship.

I wish you well,

Stephen Martile — Personal Development Made Simple

[Fullcrum]

Here, if you're really serious about this, read this:

Don't You Know There's A War On? - Real Social Dynamics Nation

If you do this you WILL get better. Zen master meets super fly dude.

BTW I LOVE Eckhart Tolle, his stuff is totally awesome and really puts you into the now.

And read this for the BARE BASICS:

Real Social Dynamics Blog: Outer Game Extravaganza

If you apply just these two articles and read and listen to lots of Eckhart Tolle you WILL get better at an exponential rate. It works, it's natural, and spreads happy positivity deluxe around the world.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

Don't You Know There's A War On? - Real Social Dynamics Nation

Bleh. That post totally doesn't fly for me. It's an unsophisticated and probably sure fire method to get laid - no more.

But, if that is all you are after, then that is just fine of course.

[theknightwhosaysni-NI]

Originally Posted by freddy

Thanks for all that great advise, I just started looking into DeAngelo articles.
theknightwhosaysni What kinda success have you had in the last year. following advise from DeAngelo material? I read some of his stuff, and it sound great, but I find it hard to believe a average joe. Could walk up to any hot looking girl, and have them melt in there hands, like he make it out to sound. And He talking about hot hot looking girls in most of what I read about. Just sounds a bit over the top to me. Althought he dose hit on some good points. THANKS FOR THE GOOD ADVISE. Freddy

I did have some success following DeAngelo advice. However, it is true that his information is a marketed info...I mean, he sells advise to attract "any women you want", "very hot women" etc...This is because it attracts more customers I guess.
However I had my own precise goal when I started looking into this kind of advice, so I did not really care about these superlatives and took what would help me get to my goal. My goal was :

"to meet girls that I would find interesting and that would find me interesting, and girls with who I would learn a lot and we could both grow our cousciousness by being together". (it was intialy formulated in French but that was the idea). Well that is exactly what happened to me.

I started when I did not understand how to behave in a "loving" relationship (I mean different from "friend" relationship) and I learned that.
I met some very interesting girls with who I had amazing moments, conversation and yes, sex.
Now I have a really nice girlfriend and we have a lot to share.

I also met some other guys who where interested by learning dating and we used to go out either in pubs or in the street during the day just to meet some girls. Now I can easily meet new people when I go out and get two or three phone numbers from girls.
Now if I see someone I want to speak to in the bus or anywhere I can go and speak to them.
Suriously, speaking to stranger is one of the thing that gave me the biggest growth experience. I used to fear that a lot and facing this fear gave me great experiences.

One of my big problems was that I found very difficult to express my feelings when I liked a girl and to show I was interested in another way than just friend. I worked on that and gathered the courage to express myself and now I can make compliments and express my feelings.

I find it hard to believe a average joe. Could walk up to any hot looking girl, and have them melt in there hands

Indeed an average joe could not do that because he would have average behaviour and average beliefs and so be like everyone else. Now if you mean an average looking joe then yes, an average looking joe can walk up to a girl and generate some attraction simply by speaking with her. But ok, this would not mean she would melt or anything, it is not that simple, but it is at least a good start.

[AliB1959]

Originally Posted by freddy

Why is it so hard to start over after you loose at love. My wife died and I find it almost to frustrating to even wanting to try the dating game. I am way to shy. It took me years to meet my wife. And now with two kids. I am not going to be first pick in any contest. if you know what i mean. Any words of wisdom good or bad. TIA Freddy

I wouldn't call your wife passing as "losing" in any way. You have 2 wonderful kids and she didn't leave you willingly. What I have heard is to go about your business, continue with any activities that you enjoy and when the time is right someone will show up. If you try to force it you will either settle or find someone who really doesn't click.

And either of those are ok; you just need to realize if you want companionship right now and not long term (and I'd suggest that companionship after a LTR would not hurt) it's ok. Whatever works for your needs is ok. Just be clear with yourself and the other person. Not all relationships last forever and they don't have to be a certain "boy-friend/girlfriend, husband/wife" kinda thing.

[Fullcrum]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Bleh. That post totally doesn't fly for me. It's an unsophisticated and probably sure fire method to get laid - no more.

But, if that is all you are after, then that is just fine of course.

Nah, this can be parlayed into other things. It's a blunt but sure-fire way. Yes. But it can be parlayed into other things and adapted to what you want. They want to get laid, yeah. Use your own mind, the specific objective can be changed. The point is BLASTING the EGO to shreds by filling your reality with such abundance of opportunity that it's a nearly foolproof way to getting the social life you want.

If you do this, then socializing with friends/gatherings/hobbyists and groups/clubs/etc. becomes a whole lot easier. Because you're equipped. You can do it anywhere, anytime.

I'm sure you see the point. See beyond the intended audience.

[RTF671]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

Here, if you're really serious about this, read this:

Don't You Know There's A War On? - Real Social Dynamics Nation

If you do this you WILL get better. Zen master meets super fly dude.

BTW I LOVE Eckhart Tolle, his stuff is totally awesome and really puts you into the now.

And read this for the BARE BASICS:

Real Social Dynamics Blog: Outer Game Extravaganza

If you apply just these two articles and read and listen to lots of Eckhart Tolle you WILL get better at an exponential rate. It works, it's natural, and spreads happy positivity deluxe around the world.

Bleh, RSD is just a bunch of lifeless pick up artists with no direction in life. Personally, I do not like pick up artists but I will admit I do use the techniques to better myself.

Originally Posted by freddy

I have read some of his stuff, and it sound great, but I find it hard to believe a average joe. Could walk up to any hot looking girl, and have them melt in there hands, like he make it out to sound. And He talking about hot hot looking girls in most of what I read about. Just sounds a bit over the top to me.

You would be shocked. At first I thought the same thing; then I looked into the Mystery Method. I was shocked. It's basically a checklist to become prince charming. There is so much material it is not funny: negs, buying temperature, openers, canned material, body position, scarcity, take aways, buyer's remorse, C versus U shaped smiles, AMOGs, bitch shields, phase shifts, the cube, eliciting values, Heckler's dance, the M3 model, the older FMAC model, and the list goes on.

At first glance, I was like
But once you digest and field test your material you will be like

So, the average joe can attract all the hot women because with this knowledge, he has transcended the average.

I will warn anyone who touches any of this material straight out: it's dangerous and not to be taken lightly. This is a forum on personal development and this stuff can (and will) change you lives and the others of who you use it on, so anyone here should be aware of HOW and WHEN to use it correctly.

[Fullcrum]

Whatever but...at least read the stuff before judging.

Afterwards do what you will.

[RTF671]

I already know about RSD. I know they have talent but I practice my game for different reasons.

You can read my posts, but afterwards do what you will.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

I'm sure you see the point. See beyond the intended audience.

I guess I feel I don't need to look beyond the intended audience, at least not for myself.