passive - aggressive behavior / indirect bullying

[European38]

Hi there Ive brought up this topic because I find passive-aggressive subversive behavior harder to deal with than if somebody came over and boxed me in the face. I react so badly to it, yesterday I was in work (some of you might know I am the target of workplace bullying) but anyway one of the ladies kept referring to me as her favorite girl! now to anyone else in the office they would have thought she was being nice as that is the way it appeared but I knew that this was her being sarcastic and passive aggressive, I could feel all tingles on my skin and aId say I went white, I have such a strange reaction to this type of manipulation and I don't know why. It feels like a direct attack on my emotional well being and is I can't deal with it at all, as I said if she had come over and hit me I would have been fine???? I don't understand why I react so badly inside and Im not sure how to deal with it

[Angela]

I don't understand -- why is referring to you as her favorite girl sarcastic and passive-aggressive? Are you sure about that? Can you even know that for sure?

[Old Soul]

but anyway one of the ladies kept referring to me as her favorite girl! now to anyone else in the office they would have thought she was being nice as that is the way it appeared but I knew that this was her being sarcastic and passive aggressive,

I would call her on her coment right then and there!!! (only because of the history and she is aware that you are aware of her manipulative tricks)

ie) Oh now come on, you and I both know that you are being sarcastic!! regardless I'll take the coment with good intentions

hehehe!!

[Maguru]

How did you know it was passive aggressive behaviour? Have you evidence?
I would react to being called 'favourite' but because I don't want to be one. Favourites are targets for those that ain't. It is all about your own reaction. Emtoional abuse begins in childhood and I've suffered from it too. It is the most insipid form of abuse but you really need to check yourself before accusing someone of it.

Originally Posted by European38

Hi there Ive brought up this topic because I find passive-aggressive subversive behavior harder to deal with than if somebody came over and boxed me in the face. I react so badly to it, yesterday I was in work (some of you might know I am the target of workplace bullying) but anyway one of the ladies kept referring to me as her favorite girl! now to anyone else in the office they would have thought she was being nice as that is the way it appeared but I knew that this was her being sarcastic and passive aggressive, I could feel all tingles on my skin and aId say I went white, I have such a strange reaction to this type of manipulation and I don't know why. It feels like a direct attack on my emotional well being and is I can't deal with it at all, as I said if she had come over and hit me I would have been fine???? I don't understand why I react so badly inside and Im not sure how to deal with it

[Old Soul]

How did you know it was passive aggressive behaviour? Have you evidence?

the evidence is that this poster is already a target of this womans bullying, so the poster is quite aware of the person she is acusing of being passive agressive the poster is recognising that when this woman uses the term
"favorite" person, this woman is not using the term "favorite person" for it's honest deffeniton, because her behavior at the work place is that of a bully,

The poster is feeling "attacked" because she clearly is!! , and the reason the poster says :

if she had come over and hit me I would have been fine???? I don't understand why I react so badly inside and Im not sure how to deal with it


She says this because the hit in the face is direct, it is upfront and clear language , something passive agressive behavor ( manipulation), is not so it makes it harder to deal with ...


defined: passive agressive

Definition:

avoiding direct confrontation: describes a personality type or way of behaving that seeks to manipulate others indirectly and resist their demands rather than confronting or opposing directly


Passive aggressive behavior is not clear language , when the bully said "my favorite person", she knew exactly what she was doing.. her meaning did not line up with the honesty of the phrase

[Old Soul]

Emtoional abuse begins in childhood a

Actually emotional abuse is not just subject to ones childhood, My father in law is an expert at emotional abuse, he plays his manipulative games on anyone , who will let him get away with it...

was he emotionally abused, yes , what is sad is that he is in denial of it, therefore not able to change..... and as a result , he is quite a lonely man , as nobody wants to be around him for very long , and it doesn't have to be that way

[Maguru]

That is what I was asking, if she had previous experience with the woman's alledged unacceptable behaviour. On the face of it someone saying 'you are my favourite' doesn't sound like abuse, does it? I felt it needed clarifying and I think you have done so. I believe I know how the poster feels. I have had similar experiences with my mother. I do know.
However, you cannot change someone else and if you can deflect this behaviour and not be affected by it, then it will stop. Taking responsibilty for self and one's own emotions is the most powerful place to be. I will choose it every time.

Originally Posted by Old Soul

the evidence is that this poster is already a target of this womans bullying, so the poster is quite aware of the person she is acusing of being passive agressive the poster is recognising that when this woman uses the term
"favorite" person, this woman is not using the term "favorite person" for it's honest deffeniton, because her behavior at the work place is that of a bully,

The poster is feeling "attacked" because she clearly is!! , and the reason the poster says :

if she had come over and hit me I would have been fine???? I don't understand why I react so badly inside and Im not sure how to deal with it


She says this because the hit in the face is direct, it is upfront and clear language , something passive agressive behavor ( manipulation), is not so it makes it harder to deal with ...


defined: passive agressive

Definition:

avoiding direct confrontation: describes a personality type or way of behaving that seeks to manipulate others indirectly and resist their demands rather than confronting or opposing directly


Passive aggressive behavior is not clear language , when the bully said "my favorite person", she knew exactly what she was doing.. her meaning did not line up with the honesty of the phrase

[Maguru]

You can bet your father-in-law has passed it on to another child who was not aware and still isn't. The abuse changes form as it is passed from generation to generation and is difficult to recognize in a different personality.

The sad thing to me is that he does not see it. He is being himself. He doesn't know any other way. He is not alone. There are many in the same situation who are also completly unaware of it. Most human's deny thier own 'evil' because it would break their hearts to know how much they have hurt others. I would not wish that on anyone. We just have to get wise and not be intimidated by their actions as it seems you already have in your family.

No, it doesn't have to be that way.

Originally Posted by Old Soul

Actually emotional abuse is not just subject to ones childhood, My father in law is an expert at emotional abuse, he plays his manipulative games on anyone , who will let him get away with it...

was he emotionally abused, yes , what is sad is that he is in denial of it, therefore not able to change..... and as a result , he is quite a lonely man , as nobody wants to be around him for very long , and it doesn't have to be that way

[Old Soul]

However, you cannot change someone else and if you can deflect this behaviour and not be affected by it, then it will stop. Taking responsibilty for self and one's own emotions is the most powerful place to be. I will choose it every time.

In my case I was effected, and it was out of being effected, ( sessions with my physcologist) that I learned the face and name of what the evil was .. so to speak, once you know this , this is your empowerment, and you can then learn ways of coping with these types of people...

My fIL is 82 yrs old and he has had many years of perfecting his manipulative tricks , and he would never consider changing something that obviously has worked so well for himself.. as i said he has perfected his game* for me it was never about changing him, ( although sadly my husband does try, ...) and that is only because it is too difficult for my husband to believe that his father is ill... but for me it was learning tools to protect my self.....a true manipulator (personality disordered) will not stop.. they will continue on being who they are...

so yes i agree safe gaurding self is an absolute !!!

[Old Soul]

You can bet your father-in-law has passed it on to another child who was not aware and still isn't. The abuse changes form as it is passed from generation to generation and is difficult to recognize in a different personality

oh yes!! the apple does not fall far from the tree... However the difference is my husband is not in "denial" of his own learned behaviors, and he takes responsiblity for his actions.......

Where as his dad is a true manipulator, in that he choses denial.. and that is what puts him in a PD category "personality disordered".. according to my physcologist anyways.... I don't believe in his case he is capable of change he is too ill

[Angela]

defined: passive agressive

Definition:

avoiding direct confrontation: describes a personality type or way of behaving that seeks to manipulate others indirectly and resist their demands rather than confronting or opposing directly

I'm sorry, I still don't get how that person's behavior is passive aggressive. Maybe she was being sarcastic (although there are other possibilities about what she was being, regardless of how "sure" you are about her.) But if she's being passive-aggressive, what is she trying to manipulate you to do? What demands of yours is she resisting?

If she's indirectly trying to manipulate to feel bad or inadequate, there's no law that says you have to feel the way she wants you to feel. Why are you giving her permission to determine how you feel?

Why not just be transparent to it, and tell her, "you're my favorite, too! Mwah!"

[European38]

thanks guys for the posts but I cant help being really hurt by this sort of behavior, It's like I came from a house where everything was upfront and in your face, no mind games no manipulation, everything was clear as day. If someone was pi$$ed off you would know about it. I realise when you are talking about it to someone it's sounds paranoid and this is what kills me. It's like I can't respond to it, I don't know how to battle against it and no one believes me when I say it. I was telling my sister about this womans behavior and she said last night that it can't be everyone elses fault all the time and she thinks that Im paranoid! I really dont think I am and I am sure that this is happening but it started me thinking on how the events usually unfold. I was asking myself how come I keep finding myself confronted with these type of people, the ones I feel I have no defences against. I am doubting myself because I do keep ending up confronted by thses types of personalitoes! I think I have worked out a typical sequence of events. here is goes

I would admit that I am a hyper sensitive person. I tend to pick up very easily on the moods of the people around me and I can usually spot if there is tension or something between two people. My sister on the other hand is not. She rarely picks up on things unless they are spelt out and in your face. There have been times when we would meet someone and straight away I can see through them and would say that most of the time I see them for what they are whether that be good or bad. There have been times when we have met people and I have thought "how does she not see that thats not what that person meant" it's like she's totally unaware and not streetwise. Anyway what I find usually happens is that I see something or pick up a vibe from someone else and then I make up a story in my head about them, like 'they are in a snot with me because I made that remark yesterday" or whatever. I then either ignore it or depending on how offended I feel react to it. Another situation is that someone might be underhandedly be making a point to me while Camouflaging it in the guise of some unrelated comment. I blatantly understand what they are driving at and again either react or say nothing depending on how bad I feel it is. Because people know I pick up on things it turns into a kind of mental sparring game which I am no good at. I get very hurt and am left feeling bruised and batered and rejected and unable to talk to anyone about because it is all so subtle. Then eventually because I am hurt I react and get even more hurt.

1 Am I paranoid?

2 does anyone identofy with this series of events?

3 What can I do to break the cycle?

[Old Soul]

This may help you deal with the immediate problem at hand of your co -worker :


http://members.aol.com/elrophe/Passi...eBehavior.html


Examples of passive-aggressive behaviors include:

Forgetting appointments, promises and agreements; scheduling two things at the same time; or being chronically late.
Saying unkind things and then saying they really didn’t mean what they said.
Acting out nonverbally by slamming doors or objects, but denying anything is wrong.
Becoming confused, tearful, sarcastic or helpless when certain topics come up.
Getting sick when they’ve promised to do something they really don’t want to do.
If you see any of these passive-aggressive tendencies in yourself, you can overcome them in the following ways:
Remove your blinders. Acknowledge your anger, fear and desire to control others. You can only control your choices and no one else’s.
Determine how your hidden anger is being expressed, and develop healthier ways to resolve it.
Work on becoming independent and interdependent with others by developing a cooperative spirit.
Take full responsibility for your own behavior, and learn how to make good choices for yourself.
Refuse the easy way out of painful situations. Grieve your losses.
Practice using willpower and self-discipline by being willing to delay gratification.
Overcome selfishness by getting involved in the lives of others.
Work on developing assertiveness skills such as:
a. Using “I” rather than “you” to state feelings or problems;
b. Being brief, clear and direct in making requests;
c. Taking time to think through a request before you respond; and
d. Learn to problem-solve.
You can overcome passive-aggressive tendencies if you are willing to persevere and relinquish old patterns of behavior.
___________

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Old Soul

You can only control your choices and no one else’s.
___________

That's really the key to breaking the pattern of habitual thought. If you're habitually on the defensive, you'll attract plenty of people you feel defensive around!

To break this pattern, THEY don't have to do anything. YOU have all the power in the world to break the pattern, in one moment. All you have to do is recognize your habitual reaction, acknowledge it, let it go, and choose a thought that works better.

For instance, I notice you (European38) use the phrase, "I can't" often. That sounds like a habitual thought for you, and it might be a really good place to start in acknowledging, letting go, and creating a new thought that is inspiring rather than limiting. It doesn't have to be a big transformational thought; it can be just a tiny change in the direction of thought that makes you feel good when you think it.

[Old Soul]

I would admit that I am a hyper sensitive person. I tend to pick up very easily on the moods of the people around me and I can usually spot if there is tension or something between two people

ok, I wanted to coment on this, as I can totaly relate to what you are saying as I am exactly the same way, hypersensitity must be managed , it is responsibility of those who are hypersensitive.... it took me a long time to learn this....

But perhaps now that you are aware of your symptoms of being hypersensitive you can now focus your energies on how to deal with toixic people, as they will come and go throughout your life... so better to learn the skills now.... and be prepared...

Refuse to allow anyone to have power over your reactions!! you chose your own reaction by understanding the person with whom you are dealing with

get skills :-))) seriously!! they work

and good luck to you

[European38]

God Im trying I just can't seem to get them, I was in an awful state today, I just had a reiki session though so Im feeling a bit better. I don't want to focus back on the bad place so Ill keep this brief - any tips on how to deal with being hypersensitive?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by European38

I don't want to focus back on the bad place so Ill keep this brief - any tips on how to deal with being hypersensitive?

I guess you mean other than the ones I gave you (she said, hypersensitively.)

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by European38

any tips on how to deal with being hypersensitive?

You could try to read our responses in your 'Too sensitive' thread again.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Angela

I don't understand -- why is referring to you as her favorite girl sarcastic and passive-aggressive? Are you sure about that? Can you even know that for sure?

My favorite. <3

[NotesMaeve]

Srsly, some people just communicate differently. I always call people I care about "favorite." It's just a weird thing.

If someone doesn't like me (and it may have happened once or twice in my life, believe it or not ), whatever. Not my baggage, so I don't pick it up. Got other stuff to do at work? Go gossip with someone about something interesting. Get a diet soda out of the vending machine. If you're going to screw around at work, at least make sure it's fun.

[Old Soul]

any tips on how to deal with being hypersensitive?

I bought this book and I think it is great!!

The Highly Sensitive Person


The Highly Sensitive Person's Workbook can be used alone, without the first book, although its chapters parallel those in the first book. Its purpose is to help HSPs integrate their understanding of their trait into their lives. I have found that HSPs need to spend time reframing their past, getting used to how to think and talk about themselves, and planning for a life based on a deeper understanding of their basic nervous system. The Workbook is designed for that. At the request of many, it also has a long section on how to run a discussion group for HSPs. The Workbook was previewed by HSPs who volunteered to give me feedback and as a result is very user friendly, yet I think deep and thought-provoking.

[European38]

Originally Posted by Angela

I guess you mean other than the ones I gave you (she said, hypersensitively.)

yep sorry I took them on board, I suppose Im not at that stage though I can't really stop and think at that point because I can't see the wood for the tress so to speak. I don't know whats real and whats not, like I don't know if I should be feeling negative about someone or something because I have reason or whether it's me being ver sensitive. A freight train couldn't stop the emotions that I have from coming up. It's like I panic and before I even have time to think about it Im right in the middle of it. Anyway thanks for all the advice and Jim I read over the posts a lot but it's nice to get other peoples 2 pence worth, but you made a lot of sense in the other post so I will be bookmarking it

[wolfgang]

I can feel that reaction. Reminds me of my brother teasing the hell out of me when we were little (I'm the younger by 2 years). He would say, "You think you are so neato" with such a tone it just would break me down to tears and run to mommy. And now I can laugh too, since neato is kind of a funny word. And actually, if I can take out the intent of his comments and be literal about it (I know hard when the emotions are high) - I do think I'm neato! Hope that little story at least make you laugh.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by European38

...kept referring to me as her favorite girl! ...

And then that literally and out of context is something to be proud of. That you can be someone's favorite girl. Maybe you can pretend to misunderstand that for your benefit.

[Angela]

I know that freight train panicky feeling! Where you're just trying to survive, let alone be a master of a life you love.

I read something recently in The Eighth Habit, by Stephen Covey. He writes about the space between stimulus and response -- that the quality of life depends on what happens in that space. And what happens is all your choice.

When you're in freight train mode, there's no space between stimulus and response at all, is there? But right now, when you're relatively calm, you can be aware of that space, and see that your choices are what make your life, right? I would like to invite you to re-read your own posts as if you were another person, and see the incredible volume of negative thought you feed yourself -- you'll be astonished at how many "I can'ts" you choose. The more you say that, the more deeply you believe it. You would never use such negative language to another person, would you? "you can't do this, you can't do that." You would encourage them, and empower them, wouldn't you? You have the power and ability and responsibility to encourage and empower yourself, as well.

Take a bold look, and see that you have a choice to generate freedom from the freight train.

[VickiK]

Hi there,
I joined these forums especially to reply to this thread, because I feel like several of the responses you've gotten have missed the point or made light of a really serious issue.

The emotions you are experiencing - confusion, frustration, increasing levels of sensitivity to small signals that others dismiss, feeling slightly mad, feeling like noone believes you, feeling like you're the only one who sees certain behaviours so that must make you a bit mad, feeling like you might be making stuff up but conversely also experiencing extreme emotional reactions to someone's behaviour towards you such as anger, hurt, rejection, distress - All of these are CLASSIC symptoms of bullying.

I would ask those who have responded here simply by asking, how do you know she didn't mean it or that she wasn't just making a joke, to please do some reading on this issue before offering advice.

The reason I know this, is because I have been a recipient of chronic bullying before and am currently dealing with a very passive aggressive flatmate.

Believe me, I've done a lot of reading on this. My sister is also a lawyer who has provided advice in the area of workplace bullying. It is a real and serious problem.

The truth is that whether you're hypersensitive, slightly intuitive, fairly confident or the kind of person who walks through life obliviously, you will have at some point come across and had to deal with these types of people.

IT is NOT your fault.

I repeat. It is NOT your fault.

There is no lesson here you need to learn, unless it is merely to learn some tools to help you set healthier boundaries for yourself when these people come into your life.

I too, am very sensitive to the environment around me and to people's mood swings. I'm an intuitive and a reiki practitioner so it comes with the territory.

But guess what, when the people around me are healthy - own their own emotions, aren't exhibiting bullying behaviours, don't use subtle put-downs or make power plays, don't project their inner anger onto the people around them or use me as a punching bag for their own emotional issues - my sensitivity isn't a problem.

Around healthy people, my sensitivity is an asset.

Around healthy people, I:
- deal with open conflict and disagreement in a responsible, empowered way
- use my highly developed sensitivity to negotiate conflicts
- empathise with opposing points of view
- negotiate complexities in social situations that others miss
- provide proper counsel
- lend a respectful ear.

Your sensitivity is a GIFT and it will only ever feel like a curse when you have to deal with people and situations that don't have YOUR BEST INTERESTS at heart or your boundaries are not properly set in place.

The only difference between you and others who are not as sensitive is that your emotional reactions will feel more distressing and extreme until such time as you fill your little grab bag with some tools to help you deal with them. Your emotions are valid and good signals that your boundaries have been severely crossed.

Learning some handy tricks to get you out of crappy situations is good. Feeling responsible for someone else's issues is not.

Nor should you feel embarrassed by a talent and skill which, if properly nurtured, will serve you well your whole life.

Peace and love.
I pray the universe sends good energy your way and gifts you with a speedy resolution of this situation.

Vicki

PS. Calling bullies on their actions is the only true way I know to deal with a situation like this but can be very hard in the moment when you're dealing with your own emotional response to something they've said or done. If this is continuing to be a problem and not resolving itself, please consider seeing a counsellor about it who can help you develop some strategies for dealing or for help you to extricate yourself from it.

[Inspirations]

Originally Posted by European38

I could feel all tingles on my skin and aId say I went white, I have such a strange reaction to this type of manipulation and I don't know why. It feels like a direct attack on my emotional well being and is I can't deal with it at all, as I said if she had come over and hit me I would have been fine???? I don't understand why I react so badly inside and Im not sure how to deal with it

European,

You are being triggered emotionally!

Here is another viewpoint to consider...

The emotions you feel are related to an event from your childhood, which this person is triggering you to feel, only so you become aware of them and have the opportunity to finish with an emotional wound completely, and go on to know and live its opposite.

Example: Say your parents told you that you weren't good at doing things, and you decided to believe that you must be a failure...You grow up with the core belief that you are a failure and live a failure life...having forgotten the original event...Someone comes along and says something to trigger your emotions and you feel upset because they treat you like a failure, this gives you the opportunity to go into your subconscious, discover the original incident, resolve and permanently release it then have an epiphany as you realize that you are not a failure after all, and go on to live success..

The people who trigger us do so to provide the opportunity to finish with an issue we chose to learn from...They are dear soul friends to help with this..

Therefore, the issue is not your co-worker, but the issue in your subconscious that is being highlighted...

It is quite easy to access this issue in your subconscious and permanently heal and be free of it...

btw...to silence the emotional trigger at inconvenient times, just say or write out the 6 times table several times fully (1x6=6, 2x6=12), to kick in your logic mind..

[funchy]

It's not that I am insensitive to you or your plight. So don't take this the wrong way when I say this....

the bully can only hurt you IF you let them.

The passive-aggressive can only manipulate you IF you let them.

You cannot change other people, and this workmate isn't going to be the first person to push your buttons. You can't change her, but you can change how you react to her comments. Instead of blaming her for her bad habits, I think it would be more constructive to talk about ways to cope with difficult people.

For example, if she really is intentionally bullying you, try something new: laugh with her and act like it's funny. When she stops getting any rise out of you, she'll leave you alone.

Learn to shrug things off. Who cares if this one person may not like you? You cannot please everyone. If she has a problem with you, it's HER problem not yours. You're at work to do a job, not win a popularity contest.

She make be less damaging if you can see her through the eyes of pity. Often times bullies are deep-down weak, scared, sad people. It's sad she has to say these things for attention or to make herself feel better. If you're religious, next time she acts petty, pray for her.

[magi13]

Originally Posted by European38

Hi there Ive brought up this topic because I find passive-aggressive subversive behavior harder to deal with than if somebody came over and boxed me in the face. I react so badly to it, yesterday I was in work (some of you might know I am the target of workplace bullying) but anyway one of the ladies kept referring to me as her favorite girl! now to anyone else in the office they would have thought she was being nice as that is the way it appeared but I knew that this was her being sarcastic and passive aggressive, I could feel all tingles on my skin and aId say I went white, I have such a strange reaction to this type of manipulation and I don't know why. It feels like a direct attack on my emotional well being and is I can't deal with it at all, as I said if she had come over and hit me I would have been fine???? I don't understand why I react so badly inside and Im not sure how to deal with it

Do you agree if I call this sarcasm in the other girls point of view?

[roxyruby]

Read Steve Pavlinas articles about the law of attraction.

Perhaps you are seeing this situation as normal for you, and it would help if in your mind you began seeing getting treated respectfully as normal for you.

*Just because they are being a low life and using pathetic tactics doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, you're fine

What has helped me with this sort of behaviour:

Stop focusing on what you DON'T want

Keep your energy off it.

If I have to I will walk away from that person and calm down and relax somewhere by myself

If you have a meditation/ visualization session:

Visualize that person being too busy to interact with you, or leaving to work somewhere else and visualize yourself being treated with respect and having a relaxing workplace with only kind people that make you feel comfortable and good about yourself.
Something like this anyway.

Hope it helps!