passive - aggressive behavior / indirect bullying

[European38]

Hi there Ive brought up this topic because I find passive-aggressive subversive behavior harder to deal with than if somebody came over and boxed me in the face. I react so badly to it, yesterday I was in work (some of you might know I am the target of workplace bullying) but anyway one of the ladies kept referring to me as her favorite girl! now to anyone else in the office they would have thought she was being nice as that is the way it appeared but I knew that this was her being sarcastic and passive aggressive, I could feel all tingles on my skin and aId say I went white, I have such a strange reaction to this type of manipulation and I don't know why. It feels like a direct attack on my emotional well being and is I can't deal with it at all, as I said if she had come over and hit me I would have been fine???? I don't understand why I react so badly inside and Im not sure how to deal with it

[Angela]

I don't understand -- why is referring to you as her favorite girl sarcastic and passive-aggressive? Are you sure about that? Can you even know that for sure?

[Old Soul]

but anyway one of the ladies kept referring to me as her favorite girl! now to anyone else in the office they would have thought she was being nice as that is the way it appeared but I knew that this was her being sarcastic and passive aggressive,

I would call her on her coment right then and there!!! (only because of the history and she is aware that you are aware of her manipulative tricks)

ie) Oh now come on, you and I both know that you are being sarcastic!! regardless I'll take the coment with good intentions

hehehe!!

[Maguru]

How did you know it was passive aggressive behaviour? Have you evidence?
I would react to being called 'favourite' but because I don't want to be one. Favourites are targets for those that ain't. It is all about your own reaction. Emtoional abuse begins in childhood and I've suffered from it too. It is the most insipid form of abuse but you really need to check yourself before accusing someone of it.

Originally Posted by European38

Hi there Ive brought up this topic because I find passive-aggressive subversive behavior harder to deal with than if somebody came over and boxed me in the face. I react so badly to it, yesterday I was in work (some of you might know I am the target of workplace bullying) but anyway one of the ladies kept referring to me as her favorite girl! now to anyone else in the office they would have thought she was being nice as that is the way it appeared but I knew that this was her being sarcastic and passive aggressive, I could feel all tingles on my skin and aId say I went white, I have such a strange reaction to this type of manipulation and I don't know why. It feels like a direct attack on my emotional well being and is I can't deal with it at all, as I said if she had come over and hit me I would have been fine???? I don't understand why I react so badly inside and Im not sure how to deal with it

[Old Soul]

How did you know it was passive aggressive behaviour? Have you evidence?

the evidence is that this poster is already a target of this womans bullying, so the poster is quite aware of the person she is acusing of being passive agressive the poster is recognising that when this woman uses the term
"favorite" person, this woman is not using the term "favorite person" for it's honest deffeniton, because her behavior at the work place is that of a bully,

The poster is feeling "attacked" because she clearly is!! , and the reason the poster says :

if she had come over and hit me I would have been fine???? I don't understand why I react so badly inside and Im not sure how to deal with it


She says this because the hit in the face is direct, it is upfront and clear language , something passive agressive behavor ( manipulation), is not so it makes it harder to deal with ...


defined: passive agressive

Definition:

avoiding direct confrontation: describes a personality type or way of behaving that seeks to manipulate others indirectly and resist their demands rather than confronting or opposing directly


Passive aggressive behavior is not clear language , when the bully said "my favorite person", she knew exactly what she was doing.. her meaning did not line up with the honesty of the phrase

[Old Soul]

Emtoional abuse begins in childhood a

Actually emotional abuse is not just subject to ones childhood, My father in law is an expert at emotional abuse, he plays his manipulative games on anyone , who will let him get away with it...

was he emotionally abused, yes , what is sad is that he is in denial of it, therefore not able to change..... and as a result , he is quite a lonely man , as nobody wants to be around him for very long , and it doesn't have to be that way

[Maguru]

That is what I was asking, if she had previous experience with the woman's alledged unacceptable behaviour. On the face of it someone saying 'you are my favourite' doesn't sound like abuse, does it? I felt it needed clarifying and I think you have done so. I believe I know how the poster feels. I have had similar experiences with my mother. I do know.
However, you cannot change someone else and if you can deflect this behaviour and not be affected by it, then it will stop. Taking responsibilty for self and one's own emotions is the most powerful place to be. I will choose it every time.

Originally Posted by Old Soul

the evidence is that this poster is already a target of this womans bullying, so the poster is quite aware of the person she is acusing of being passive agressive the poster is recognising that when this woman uses the term
"favorite" person, this woman is not using the term "favorite person" for it's honest deffeniton, because her behavior at the work place is that of a bully,

The poster is feeling "attacked" because she clearly is!! , and the reason the poster says :

if she had come over and hit me I would have been fine???? I don't understand why I react so badly inside and Im not sure how to deal with it


She says this because the hit in the face is direct, it is upfront and clear language , something passive agressive behavor ( manipulation), is not so it makes it harder to deal with ...


defined: passive agressive

Definition:

avoiding direct confrontation: describes a personality type or way of behaving that seeks to manipulate others indirectly and resist their demands rather than confronting or opposing directly


Passive aggressive behavior is not clear language , when the bully said "my favorite person", she knew exactly what she was doing.. her meaning did not line up with the honesty of the phrase

[Maguru]

You can bet your father-in-law has passed it on to another child who was not aware and still isn't. The abuse changes form as it is passed from generation to generation and is difficult to recognize in a different personality.

The sad thing to me is that he does not see it. He is being himself. He doesn't know any other way. He is not alone. There are many in the same situation who are also completly unaware of it. Most human's deny thier own 'evil' because it would break their hearts to know how much they have hurt others. I would not wish that on anyone. We just have to get wise and not be intimidated by their actions as it seems you already have in your family.

No, it doesn't have to be that way.

Originally Posted by Old Soul

Actually emotional abuse is not just subject to ones childhood, My father in law is an expert at emotional abuse, he plays his manipulative games on anyone , who will let him get away with it...

was he emotionally abused, yes , what is sad is that he is in denial of it, therefore not able to change..... and as a result , he is quite a lonely man , as nobody wants to be around him for very long , and it doesn't have to be that way

[Old Soul]

However, you cannot change someone else and if you can deflect this behaviour and not be affected by it, then it will stop. Taking responsibilty for self and one's own emotions is the most powerful place to be. I will choose it every time.

In my case I was effected, and it was out of being effected, ( sessions with my physcologist) that I learned the face and name of what the evil was .. so to speak, once you know this , this is your empowerment, and you can then learn ways of coping with these types of people...

My fIL is 82 yrs old and he has had many years of perfecting his manipulative tricks , and he would never consider changing something that obviously has worked so well for himself.. as i said he has perfected his game* for me it was never about changing him, ( although sadly my husband does try, ...) and that is only because it is too difficult for my husband to believe that his father is ill... but for me it was learning tools to protect my self.....a true manipulator (personality disordered) will not stop.. they will continue on being who they are...

so yes i agree safe gaurding self is an absolute !!!

[Old Soul]

You can bet your father-in-law has passed it on to another child who was not aware and still isn't. The abuse changes form as it is passed from generation to generation and is difficult to recognize in a different personality

oh yes!! the apple does not fall far from the tree... However the difference is my husband is not in "denial" of his own learned behaviors, and he takes responsiblity for his actions.......

Where as his dad is a true manipulator, in that he choses denial.. and that is what puts him in a PD category "personality disordered".. according to my physcologist anyways.... I don't believe in his case he is capable of change he is too ill

[Angela]

defined: passive agressive

Definition:

avoiding direct confrontation: describes a personality type or way of behaving that seeks to manipulate others indirectly and resist their demands rather than confronting or opposing directly

I'm sorry, I still don't get how that person's behavior is passive aggressive. Maybe she was being sarcastic (although there are other possibilities about what she was being, regardless of how "sure" you are about her.) But if she's being passive-aggressive, what is she trying to manipulate you to do? What demands of yours is she resisting?

If she's indirectly trying to manipulate to feel bad or inadequate, there's no law that says you have to feel the way she wants you to feel. Why are you giving her permission to determine how you feel?

Why not just be transparent to it, and tell her, "you're my favorite, too! Mwah!"

[European38]

thanks guys for the posts but I cant help being really hurt by this sort of behavior, It's like I came from a house where everything was upfront and in your face, no mind games no manipulation, everything was clear as day. If someone was pi$$ed off you would know about it. I realise when you are talking about it to someone it's sounds paranoid and this is what kills me. It's like I can't respond to it, I don't know how to battle against it and no one believes me when I say it. I was telling my sister about this womans behavior and she said last night that it can't be everyone elses fault all the time and she thinks that Im paranoid! I really dont think I am and I am sure that this is happening but it started me thinking on how the events usually unfold. I was asking myself how come I keep finding myself confronted with these type of people, the ones I feel I have no defences against. I am doubting myself because I do keep ending up confronted by thses types of personalitoes! I think I have worked out a typical sequence of events. here is goes

I would admit that I am a hyper sensitive person. I tend to pick up very easily on the moods of the people around me and I can usually spot if there is tension or something between two people. My sister on the other hand is not. She rarely picks up on things unless they are spelt out and in your face. There have been times when we would meet someone and straight away I can see through them and would say that most of the time I see them for what they are whether that be good or bad. There have been times when we have met people and I have thought "how does she not see that thats not what that person meant" it's like she's totally unaware and not streetwise. Anyway what I find usually happens is that I see something or pick up a vibe from someone else and then I make up a story in my head about them, like 'they are in a snot with me because I made that remark yesterday" or whatever. I then either ignore it or depending on how offended I feel react to it. Another situation is that someone might be underhandedly be making a point to me while Camouflaging it in the guise of some unrelated comment. I blatantly understand what they are driving at and again either react or say nothing depending on how bad I feel it is. Because people know I pick up on things it turns into a kind of mental sparring game which I am no good at. I get very hurt and am left feeling bruised and batered and rejected and unable to talk to anyone about because it is all so subtle. Then eventually because I am hurt I react and get even more hurt.

1 Am I paranoid?

2 does anyone identofy with this series of events?

3 What can I do to break the cycle?

[Old Soul]

This may help you deal with the immediate problem at hand of your co -worker :


http://members.aol.com/elrophe/Passi...eBehavior.html


Examples of passive-aggressive behaviors include:

Forgetting appointments, promises and agreements; scheduling two things at the same time; or being chronically late.
Saying unkind things and then saying they really didn’t mean what they said.
Acting out nonverbally by slamming doors or objects, but denying anything is wrong.
Becoming confused, tearful, sarcastic or helpless when certain topics come up.
Getting sick when they’ve promised to do something they really don’t want to do.
If you see any of these passive-aggressive tendencies in yourself, you can overcome them in the following ways:
Remove your blinders. Acknowledge your anger, fear and desire to control others. You can only control your choices and no one else’s.
Determine how your hidden anger is being expressed, and develop healthier ways to resolve it.
Work on becoming independent and interdependent with others by developing a cooperative spirit.
Take full responsibility for your own behavior, and learn how to make good choices for yourself.
Refuse the easy way out of painful situations. Grieve your losses.
Practice using willpower and self-discipline by being willing to delay gratification.
Overcome selfishness by getting involved in the lives of others.
Work on developing assertiveness skills such as:
a. Using “I” rather than “you” to state feelings or problems;
b. Being brief, clear and direct in making requests;
c. Taking time to think through a request before you respond; and
d. Learn to problem-solve.
You can overcome passive-aggressive tendencies if you are willing to persevere and relinquish old patterns of behavior.
___________

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Old Soul

You can only control your choices and no one else’s.
___________

That's really the key to breaking the pattern of habitual thought. If you're habitually on the defensive, you'll attract plenty of people you feel defensive around!

To break this pattern, THEY don't have to do anything. YOU have all the power in the world to break the pattern, in one moment. All you have to do is recognize your habitual reaction, acknowledge it, let it go, and choose a thought that works better.

For instance, I notice you (European38) use the phrase, "I can't" often. That sounds like a habitual thought for you, and it might be a really good place to start in acknowledging, letting go, and creating a new thought that is inspiring rather than limiting. It doesn't have to be a big transformational thought; it can be just a tiny change in the direction of thought that makes you feel good when you think it.

[Old Soul]

I would admit that I am a hyper sensitive person. I tend to pick up very easily on the moods of the people around me and I can usually spot if there is tension or something between two people

ok, I wanted to coment on this, as I can totaly relate to what you are saying as I am exactly the same way, hypersensitity must be managed , it is responsibility of those who are hypersensitive.... it took me a long time to learn this....

But perhaps now that you are aware of your symptoms of being hypersensitive you can now focus your energies on how to deal with toixic people, as they will come and go throughout your life... so better to learn the skills now.... and be prepared...

Refuse to allow anyone to have power over your reactions!! you chose your own reaction by understanding the person with whom you are dealing with

get skills :-))) seriously!! they work

and good luck to you

[European38]

God Im trying I just can't seem to get them, I was in an awful state today, I just had a reiki session though so Im feeling a bit better. I don't want to focus back on the bad place so Ill keep this brief - any tips on how to deal with being hypersensitive?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by European38

I don't want to focus back on the bad place so Ill keep this brief - any tips on how to deal with being hypersensitive?

I guess you mean other than the ones I gave you (she said, hypersensitively.)

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by European38

any tips on how to deal with being hypersensitive?

You could try to read our responses in your 'Too sensitive' thread again.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Angela

I don't understand -- why is referring to you as her favorite girl sarcastic and passive-aggressive? Are you sure about that? Can you even know that for sure?

My favorite. <3

[NotesMaeve]

Srsly, some people just communicate differently. I always call people I care about "favorite." It's just a weird thing.

If someone doesn't like me (and it may have happened once or twice in my life, believe it or not ), whatever. Not my baggage, so I don't pick it up. Got other stuff to do at work? Go gossip with someone about something interesting. Get a diet soda out of the vending machine. If you're going to screw around at work, at least make sure it's fun.

[Old Soul]

any tips on how to deal with being hypersensitive?

I bought this book and I think it is great!!

The Highly Sensitive Person


The Highly Sensitive Person's Workbook can be used alone, without the first book, although its chapters parallel those in the first book. Its purpose is to help HSPs integrate their understanding of their trait into their lives. I have found that HSPs need to spend time reframing their past, getting used to how to think and talk about themselves, and planning for a life based on a deeper understanding of their basic nervous system. The Workbook is designed for that. At the request of many, it also has a long section on how to run a discussion group for HSPs. The Workbook was previewed by HSPs who volunteered to give me feedback and as a result is very user friendly, yet I think deep and thought-provoking.