I have an issue with my dad...

[Rosenkruez]

Sorry, this is a long post, but I have to tell this story, I need help.

At the end of July of 2007 I got a job at a well known supermarket. The only real point of getting this job was because of pressure from my Dad and a disposable income so that I can spend on myself, which was a way to alleviate the costs of my parents taking care of me, not to mention buying a car. I had gotten the job and was going to start out at $8.00 an hour. I was happy.

Finally I was finally paid on the second week of working; my first paycheck was for $125. I couldn’t wait to spend it, it was the first time I’ve ever made my own money and had it to spend. After talking about the excitement with my friends and family, asking me questions about what I was going to spend my money on, I was awakened to the fact that my Dad did not agree with me spending money at all. He told me that I should be saving every bit of income I make from that store. I was utterly and completely upset about the fact that my father was telling me what to do with my own money, I had worked hard for that money, myself, without anybodies help. After much debate, my father ultimately agreed to the fact that it was my first paycheck and I should be able to use it. That was only the first week I’ve ever made money and I’m already running into problems.

July had ended and we went into August; my Dad had run into some snags. His motorcycle was having problems and he told me that he had no way to fix it without me giving him money (the jist of it). He said he would be needing my money for about 2 weeks, I didn’t mind at all because these things happen. Those 2 weeks turned into 4 weeks of giving him my paychecks, and the only thing he ever had to say to me if I ever resistsed is: “You’re acting selfish, like Jeffrey and Jeremy, when they started working and earning money.” I never questioned him at all. My brothers are extremely selfish people, and I hated them, I didn’t want to be like them.

I opened a checking account somtime in August to be able to deposit my money into the bank and save up for a car, it was the worst thing I could ever do. I never questioned my dad when he needed my money from now on, I was upset sometimes because he was spending my money, not his own. I always held it in though, not questioning for fear that he would yell at me and compare me with Jeff and Jeremy. I received an ATM card to be able to access the money I had in my account and checks. It was the first time I’ve ever really felt like an adult.

Every week something would always come up with my Father. “I need to use your card,” became a common phrase when he came to see me at my mothers place. I questioned him sometimes, but only reluctantly and without accusation, sometimes he would react politely and tell me that it couldn’t be helped or that he was just buying some food, other times he would get angry and upset and refer to the “18 years he paid for everything I had.” I would become guilty and angry at the same time because he was right and wrong. Why should he benefit from my work, am I not entitled to the rewards of the sweat of my brow?

After this I had become extremely reluctant to deposit my checks. My dad seemed to not even guess the reason why. He became very angry when I didn’t deposit my checks, he assumed I was spending my money (“You’re supposed to be saving your money!”), it was because every time I deposited a bit of money, it was spent in someway by him.

There was one time that I remember specifically. My dad had asked me for 2 of my checks, he needed to pay for something and and that he would deposit the amount. I didn’t even question him at all. I happily signed the 2 checks and gave them to him in his hand. I looked at my account one day and $500 was gone. About a week later I asked him, “I thought you were gonna deposit the money?,” he never answered the question, he just replied: “Your going to get it back, no worries.” I still don’t have it.

There were times when my dad would have my card for weeks at a time, just spending my money, at this time I didn’t question at all where my debit card was or if I could have it back. I had given up, my dad always had some kind of reason up his sleeve about why I was being selfish with my money. Money was really starting to become an issue with me.

I finally got direct deposit with my paychecks in October, meaning that I wouldn’t have to cash my check anymore, it would go directly to my checking account. This was one of the biggest mistakes I have made, now my money was on a silver platter for him to use.

My father started coming up with this idea in November, we should move to our own place and away from our mom and idiot half-brothers. I would have some resposibilities paying bills but not too much, I still needed to save for a car. I didn’t have a problem. Like always we moved out in one day, my dad never takes his time, everything has to be done in record time with him.

Anyway, now we have a place for a month (December), and I still have no money. I remember New years day, at midnight, there was no celebration in that 1 bedroom/bathroom/kitchen (which is also the living room) studio. I knew what the new year had in store for me and I’m right so far. I got paid January 3 to only have a negative balance by the 8th. I’m writing this right now as my dad has my debit card, paying for gasoline, as he mentioned, was on empty, I know he’s going to fill it up….

And now for a concluding paragraph: I have made around $5500 with my tenure at my job (July 07 ~ December 07), as of January 08 I have nothing to show for it. I also took out a loan for college, it was a way to get my car quick since my problem with my dad (he suggested it). I received $2700, I currently have $1100. Why you ask? Because my dad has used about $1400, $1000 on helping to buy himself a car, and $400 to buy himself a couple of pairs of glasses (I used a bit because I had an emergency that needed to be taken care of). I haven’t really spent any of the $7000 I got for myself on myself at all. I’m only 19 years old, I thought I was going to be able to buy myself New sneakers or shoes and clothes and other stuff. All I really buy now is lunch for me for work, I still don’t have any shoes or new clothes or anything. And I'm further away from a car than before

This is so wrong, and it doesn’t look like it has an ending anytime soon. I would have been better off renting a 1 bedrom apartment by myself even though I've never lived on my own and barely know how to take care of myself. My Father isn't a bad guy. Never smoked, doesnt really drink, doesnt do drugs, nothing really. There should be some kind of privacy when it comes to money though, isn't there? I'm a very naive person, do I trust people too much? Am I giving him too much access to my money? Should I cut off from him?

I'm not sure where else to go, I found these forums and it looks like a good place to get advice. I don't want to ruin my relationship with my dad but this just isn't fair. It may seem like I'm venting, but its just that it bothers me a lot.

I really need advice… Please help me.

[Angela]

Welcome. I hope you get value from being here.

You say your dad is not a bad person, and you are probably right. He is, though, a person who steals from, lies to, and manipulates his son. And you are a person who enables stealing, lying, and manipulating.

You have set the entire pattern for how your relationship will be with your father until the day one of you dies. The longer you you agree with your dad to be his victim, the more that pattern will set in and the more difficult to extricate yourself from. Also, the more resentment will build up.

You are 19. Are you willing to live your live in poverty, stess, and resentment for the rest of your life? Now would be a good time for you to make your well-being your number one priority. You don't owe it to your dad to be his indentured servant. You can see plainly what is in store for you if you don't act to end the leeching. If you end it, you might incur his wrath. You might choose to continue to funnel all your money to him forever -- but do you think that's going to allow you to have a good relationship with him?

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling in this predicament, and I wish you all kinds of power, clarity, and love in making your choices.

Angela

[Parthon]

I agree with Angela.

You find yourself in a predicament, but I think you know exactly what you need to do.

You say your father doesn't want you to spend money and that you should save it, and you should do just that. I'd go to a bank, especially because you are over 18, and get a second account that you can't draw on without giving signed id at the teller. Work out a way to direct deposit only 2/3 your money into your regular account and 1/3 into the savings account, then tell your father you had to take a pay cut. If he's going to lie and manipulate you, I don't see why you can't treat him exactly the same.

The other way is to confront your dad strongly with lots of confidence. This is by far the hard method because it will take a lot of courage. It's a case of laying the cards down on the table, and if he buts in tell him to shut the **** up. You may need to use those words for emphasis. Outline what you think of him, what your plans are for your future, and how he fits into them. Describe the impact he is having on your life. Even thank him and be grateful for all that he has given you of his time and money, but also be firm that it is by no means an obligation. If he really pushes it, use the son card - "How can you say you are my dad if you rip me off like this, what kind of father would blackmail his son? I'm not a ****ing paycheck for you." Still feel free to give him money, but control how much it is, don't let him control that part of your life.

I'd take the second route, only because I've done it once with my mum, and while it's not the same relationship, I'd say it's better. We respect and love each other now rather than the twisted obligation thing that happens.

They are only two possibilities though. You alread know what you need to do, you are just scared of doing it. Bring out your courage and go for it.

[Silly]

Rosenkruez,

Wow! You are in a tight spot, indeed! I agree with Angela; your dad will continue to take advantage of you until you put a stop to it.

Maybe you should consider getting some financial counseling. Sometimes local colleges offer free night courses. If this is beyond your financial resources, maybe you could find a free course on the Internet. Then make a financial plan. Decide how much money you need to pay your rent, pay for food and clothing and how much money you'd like to put away in savings each month. Then you might consider opening another checking account. Let your first checking account be the one you share with your dad where you can deposit your share of the rent and utilities. Use the second checking account, which your dad doesn't have access to, to deposit your paychecks. Then deposit into the first, shared checking account only what you plan to share with your dad.

My guess is that your dad will continue to want all or most of your money and will make you feel guilty if you don't provide it. If that happens you might just explain to your dad that you are only following his advice and saving your money.

I would also encourage you to re-consider whether your brothers are truly selfish. It may be that they too have experienced the situation that you are now experiencing with your dad and that they had to take a hard stance to stop it from happening to them. It's hard, at a young age, to stand up to forceful people like your dad and maybe they didn't do it gracefully.

I hope you'll continue to update your progress on this site. You don't need to go through this alone.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Silly

I would also encourage you to re-consider whether your brothers are truly selfish. It may be that they too have experienced the situation that you are now experiencing with your dad and that they had to take a hard stance to stop it from happening to them. It's hard, at a young age, to stand up to forceful people like your dad and maybe they didn't do it gracefully.

Great advice! Maybe the three of you brothers would really benefit from pooling your resources of knowledge and courage. Dad has been doing a good job of dividing and conquering; you might want to connect and triumph.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

If it were me, I would try to get my own place and close the current bank account. Get a new account where your checks are direct deposited and do not give your dad access. Set up a savings for yourself and a budget for your bills. Maybe you could let him know that you will be able to help him out with $50 per week (or an amount that you can reasonably do without) and that's all.

It sounds like he uses manipulation freely. I don't suggest that you try that tactic or anything mean. Just matter of factly let him know that you have to start taking care of yourself and the only way you can do that is to cut back on how much money you give him.

Good luck. I know it's hard dealing with these kinds of situations, particularly with family who you don't want to hurt. But your dad is going too far with what he's taking from you and unless you change the dynamics now, it seems he will just continue.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Parthon

If he's going to lie and manipulate you, I don't see why you can't treat him exactly the same.

I do: you don't want to be the kind of person who manipulates and deceives. You want to be free of him, not become him.

[Ree]

As the other posters have said, you are being taken advantage of. It sounds to me as if you already know what you need to do, but it's not easy to take a stand against a family member, especially a parent. We have a tendency to deal with family members on an emotional level, but in a situation like this you need to look at it logically.

You are currently working at an entry-level job making a wage which isn't really sufficient to support anyone but yourself. It's unreasonable of your father to expect that you would contribute more than a token amount to the household. You should extricate yourself from the situation right away. If you can do this and salvage the relationship with your father, wonderful. If not, so be it. But you have to take control over your own finances again.

The other piece of advice I would give you is to not beat yourself up about this too much and don't blame yourself. Learn from it and move on with your life, knowing that you'll think twice before you get into a situation like this again. And good luck to you!!

[m18pak]

Rosenkruez, you are too loyal to your father.

He is exploiting you. Pure and simple.

I know how hard it is to take a step back and see family members as they really are, because they're your family and the truth can be just too much to handle sometimes, but you don't want to live on in denial.