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NotesMaeve · 01-09-2008, 06:10 PM

I'm pretty bummed about it. Xmas was a little intense and Slamhot and I spent much of it looking wide-eyed at each other mouthing, "What the hell?" as BIL and brother bickered and yelled at each other, us, and any other thing alive.

At lunch on Sunday Slamhot says, "Your brother and BIL won't get married."

Monday rolls around. Oh, marriage not happening.

My brother is a dude who really thinks he NEEDS a partner to be happy. Also, he has problems letting people in. He swallows stuff, holds onto sadness/anger. (Y'know, like I'm trying to stop doing!) I offered to come hang with him. I offered to talk with him. Nothing I'm offering to do seems quite right to break him out of any degree of pain. Is there anything? Do I really just have to wait this out?

Angela · 01-09-2008, 06:20 PM

BIL = Brother in Law? Sounds like this guy felt like family to you. It makes sense that you would grieve.

If I were you, I'd stay in my own business and do my own grieving, and allow your brother the freedom to grieve and feel his pain and get through this his own way. That doesn't mean you can't be there to support him and love him and hold him in your arms, but it does mean letting go of YOUR need to "break him out of any degree of pain."

Lots of love to you,
Angela

NotesMaeve · 01-09-2008, 07:32 PM

S did feel like family. He wasn't perfect for my brother, and I understand why it ended. Still sucks.

Angela · 01-09-2008, 08:11 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss in this situation, NotesMaeve; I reckon it hurts a lot, your own pain and to see both of them hurting.

One thing you can rejoice about, though -- they have the freedom to make their own choices in their relationships and in their lives. You and I do, too. That entails some pain sometimes, but isn't it worth it to be free?

NotesMaeve · 01-09-2008, 09:51 PM

Absolutely. I know my brother will be fine and can find a great relationship again when he's ready to look. S will be great for someone if he wants that, or he'll be fine flying solo.

The good thing about S's family, although they were radically different from the way my brother and I relate as family, they are supportive of S at the root of things, so I know someone's got his back.

01-09-2008, 06:10 PM	#1 (permalink)
NotesMaeve Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Sacramento, CA Posts: 937	Brother and BIL Broke Up I'm pretty bummed about it. Xmas was a little intense and Slamhot and I spent much of it looking wide-eyed at each other mouthing, "What the hell?" as BIL and brother bickered and yelled at each other, us, and any other thing alive. At lunch on Sunday Slamhot says, "Your brother and BIL won't get married." Monday rolls around. Oh, marriage not happening. My brother is a dude who really thinks he NEEDS a partner to be happy. Also, he has problems letting people in. He swallows stuff, holds onto sadness/anger. (Y'know, like I'm trying to stop doing!) I offered to come hang with him. I offered to talk with him. Nothing I'm offering to do seems quite right to break him out of any degree of pain. Is there anything? Do I really just have to wait this out?

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01-09-2008, 06:20 PM	#2 (permalink)
Angela Banned Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 22,520	BIL = Brother in Law? Sounds like this guy felt like family to you. It makes sense that you would grieve. If I were you, I'd stay in my own business and do my own grieving, and allow your brother the freedom to grieve and feel his pain and get through this his own way. That doesn't mean you can't be there to support him and love him and hold him in your arms, but it does mean letting go of YOUR need to "break him out of any degree of pain." Lots of love to you, Angela

01-09-2008, 07:32 PM	#3 (permalink)
NotesMaeve Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Sacramento, CA Posts: 937	S did feel like family. He wasn't perfect for my brother, and I understand why it ended. Still sucks.

01-09-2008, 08:11 PM	#4 (permalink)
Angela Banned Join Date: Nov 2006 Posts: 22,520	I'm so sorry for your loss in this situation, NotesMaeve; I reckon it hurts a lot, your own pain and to see both of them hurting. One thing you can rejoice about, though -- they have the freedom to make their own choices in their relationships and in their lives. You and I do, too. That entails some pain sometimes, but isn't it worth it to be free?

01-09-2008, 09:51 PM	#5 (permalink)
NotesMaeve Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Sacramento, CA Posts: 937	Absolutely. I know my brother will be fine and can find a great relationship again when he's ready to look. S will be great for someone if he wants that, or he'll be fine flying solo. The good thing about S's family, although they were radically different from the way my brother and I relate as family, they are supportive of S at the root of things, so I know someone's got his back.

Personal Development for Smart PeopleTM Forums

Personal Development for Smart People^TM Forums