broke up with boyfriend - feeling very scared

[uberinquisitive]

In this thread, I realized that the relationship wasn't working out.

Well, I broke up with him this afternoon. Via email. I know, I'm chicken sh*t.

I used a stupid argument from Sunday, where he was slightly inconsiderate to me, as an excuse. I feel ill at at how cowardly I am.

My break-up email was a litany of blame (on him), and excuses why I couldn't be his gf. Not once did I take responsibility for myself. I guess I wanted him to feel really sorry. Not that he was a horrible bf. But I wanted him to feel like one. I guess I needed to assuage my guilt on leaving a perfectly nice guy.

He said he wanted to talk to me tomorrow. I asked that we meet up in person, but he hasn't responded. Maybe it's better that we don't meet up. I don't know.

Now what? I am notorious for getting sucked back into relationships after I break things off. I am so afraid of being single.

But I know I did the right thing. It's painful and scary now - but I know I did the right thing. I want to keep doing the right thing, and not allow fear and the status quo to control me.

I feel very scared. This is uncharted territory for me. Already, I'm second-guessing myself. The fear right now is almost unbearable, it feels like a migraine.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[fourthdan]

Ok, first follow the following steps:

1) Breathe in.
2) Breathe out.
3) go back to 1

You've said "I know I did the right thing" a few times... is it because you're trying to convince us, or yourself?

Anyways, here's my two cents:
1) It's ok to be single
2) You can be aware, so you don't get sucked back into the relationship
3) You should be to be truthful to him about your real reasons for breaking up - for your own sanity. Be firm if he debates the reasons and makes it look like it's ok and expected for you to try and get back together.
4) Chill. Face your fear. Find someone or something (not self-destructive) to lean on while you get through this.

best of luck

[uberinquisitive]

I just had the most vivid dream last night.

I dreamed I was pregnant. My bf took me to a very comfortable hospital. It was his baby. I took off this girdle, and my belly was heavy and realistically pregnant (I've never been pregnant before). I felt very happy to be pregnant.

I turned to my bf and told him, "aren't you happy! It's half you and me inside me! Our 3rd kid!"

And he smiled and told me, "I love you very much." He looked so realistic, like this wasn't a dream. I reached down and pat his head. Even his hair felt real.

I was waiting for my water to break, and gingerly layed on my side while oiling my belly (I guess to keep stretch marks from forming).

Now I'm second-guessing myself big time. I'm not sure what my subconscious mind is trying to tell me.

[The David]

I broke up with my boyfriend over the phone because an in-person meeting wasn't working out. It's not good, but it isn't the worst thing in the world.

If you feel badly for the way you treated him, then a (sincere) apology may be a good idea, maybe over e-mail or something if you absolutely can't meet. But...don't get sucked back into the relationship, or any relationship that you don't feel is right for you. If you have a fear of being single, you might consider staying single so you can deal with it rather than evade it.

In the meantime, be as forgiving of yourself as you can.

[DayInTheLife]

My break-up email was a litany of blame (on him), and excuses why I couldn't be his gf. Not once did I take responsibility for myself. I guess I wanted him to feel really sorry. Not that he was a horrible bf. But I wanted him to feel like one. I guess I needed to assuage my guilt on leaving a perfectly nice guy.

I think you'll continue to feel very bad about this until to talk to him (even just on the phone) and apologize for pinning it all on him. Tell him you why you felt this relationship wasn't working. I think just about anybody deserves that.

Breaking up with him may have been the right thing, but unless he abused you or victimized you, he is deserving of the truth here.

Don't be scared of being single. If you can't be comfortably single, I doubt your relationships will be healthy. Everybody I know who is constantly in a relationship has poor self-esteem. Embrace singleness!

Do the right thing.

[The David]

I second that. Embrace singleness, don't be 'half of a person'.

[NotesMaeve]

My BIL and brother just broke up, and my brother initiated it. I'll say this: Don't be scared of leaving, but don't be afraid to look at your sadness and really feel it, even if you knew it had to end.

[uberinquisitive]

It's starting - the panic of "oh no, it's over and I'm alone."

I feel like it's the fear and dread of this that keeps me in unhappy relationships, not just now but also in the past.

If I can just get over this hump...

[Rose of Cairo]

Hey uber, I can't help being glad that you went that step. Congratulations! Feeling alone is only in your head. You are NOT alone. Hang in there. You'll be fine, I promise. *hug* Look at us singles in this forum, we're perfectly fine

[uberinquisitive]

Hey everyone,

I'm meeting him on Tuesday to discuss things.

I will admit a couple of things: I freaked out and sent the "I change my mind, I don't want to break up anymore" email. As soon as I sent it, I regretted it.

Anyways, the bf hasn't responded to anything. Instead, he said he's very busy at work and let's meet Tuesday, face to face.

I feel so unbalanced. Yesterday, I started doing some EFT. Now there is this awful pressure and pain in my chest and throat. I woke up this morning, and thought, "I am feeling the pain I felt with my suicided fiancé." I haven't felt it since I started going out with my current bf. And now it's back, and it's f*cking horrible.

There are so many things happening at once: this issue with my bf, the 1-yr anniversary of the suicide coming up on Jan. 20, going on a lot of job interviews and waiting for the results, being broke and worrying about money issues, hating where I live, trying to get my writing and screenplay done and feeling blocked...

I have barely spoken a word (except at job interviews) for almost a week now. My cousin, who I live with, tries to talk to me, and I just can't speak. Very unusual, because I am a typical extroverted woman, and love to talk about my feelings.

I feel trapped in every area of my life. It's like there is this steam building up inside of me, with no where to vent. I can barely sleep. I barely eat.

I feel like I'm waiting for something, but I don't know what it is.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, uber. Looking at all you have on your plate right now I can see why you feel overwhelmed. I am still of the opinion that it would be a lot easier for you to get on an even keel if you didn't have the added stress of a relationship. If it were me I would focus on getting a job and taking good care of yourself in general (eating, exercising, sleeping). If you are healthy and rested you will just feel better in general and have the energy to tackle everything that's going on. Once you have the job in place, money problems should diminish and you could even try to move to somewhere you wouldn't hate.

You are not trapped, except to the extent you trap yourself with your thoughts. Remember you have the freedom to choose how and who you want to be. It isn't always an instant transformation. You have a lot of big stuff in your past that you have to work through and let go. But each step you take away from the pain is a step toward a happy life. I am pretty sure you want that!

Do I have all the answers? Hell no! But I am talking to myself here as much as to you. We are the only ones who can make a change. And we can do it! It sure feels like a lot of work, because it is. And I know you are exhausted. Take care of yourself till you have the energy to do the work. You can get stronger every day.

If you haven't read it, Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart is really great. I would recommend it to you now.

[uberinquisitive]

I'm going on a lot of job interviews - hopefully, I'll have one by the end of January. This job hunt is my saving grace, because it occupies a lot of time and energy that would otherwise be wasted on freaking out over my bf.

Today, I spent the day crying over a specific incident that happened between us in September. I mean, I wept. I knew it bothered me, but I had no idea just how badly it bothered me. I'll do some heavy EFT over the next few days to get the emotional intensity down.

Now I'm wondering - should I put off the face-to-face until I have a job and some financial breathing space? I want to, it would make me more comfortable...but I keep thinking that he'll "forget" me. I just need to work up the courage and confidence to respect my own wishes, and be ok with postponing the face-to-face.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

If you want to postpone the face to face then do so. I feel like taking care of yourself right now is top priority. Honor your needs.

[uberinquisitive]

The universe is WISE and KIND!

I can't meet him today, because my writing instructor just sent me an email, inviting me to his advanced class tonight (currently, I'm in a beginning/intermediate class). I feel so flattered.

And then, my bf is going on a business trip for the rest of this week. I get to grieve over the suicide privately, safely...without my bf's judgements and insecurities to burden me.

EFT is helping tremendously. As is this board. I feel more balanced.

[Rose of Cairo]

That's so great to hear uber! *hug*

And congrats for the advanced writing

[fourthdan]

hey! that's great news! man, I feel relieved for you
take it easy... keep it goin with the EFT, try meditating if you can... be strong!