Switching to Parenting...

[sensualspirit]

Ok, enough with all the partner questions I see in this forum LOL

Onto a serious topic here about parents & parenting.

I really want to make this short, but I do talk a lot, & it won't take me 5 minutes b/c the story is long, but I will try. (oops, it's too long, I have to cut it in 2. Seeee, I warned ya

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My mother passed over when I was 1 year old, & my father married another woman when I was 3.

Her first child (son) came was I was 6, but even prior to his birth I was already being ignored, had been sexually assaulted by a kid down the block, then by cousins, etc.

After he was born it became even worse, & of course I had feelings of jealousy b/c he was dotted upon.

He had ADHD which made things worse b/c he was never punished.

I was punished all the time, emotionally abused from both parents, physically abused by my father, then later on by the step mother.

She later on went on to have 2 girls, & I came this close to going over to the dark side when I was 14 yrs. old.

It was a religious home (no kidding), & I knew by the age of 12 I would NEVER be religious.

This of course caused problems, as it made me an outcast.

Fast forward to getting kicked out, going thru a lot of sh*t, not talking to them for years & when I did, it was only occasionally.

My father was still verbally abusive until he had his stroke 12 years ago. I think I finally no longer get triggered when he makes nasty comments, but it's been a while.

I worked in the adult entertainment biz which also didn't bode well with them (the step mother more than my father).

In 1992 I had a son, & because of my biz, I was very busy.

I sent my son to their house for weekends from the time he was a baby.

I once heard the step mother say "but he's Sheldon's grandchild" - Sheldon is my father. She was talking on the phone saying she would have to bond w/ the grandkid b/c he was my father's blood.

Internally I was torn over sending my son over there. I knew that the dysfunction would rub off on him, maybe not as much as it had on me (skipping generations heals them a bit of course), but I knew there would be problems.

Despite my concerns, I still sent him over there on weekends.

A few months after he was born, I started on my conscious spiritual journey.

It's been an educational journey that will NEVER stop, & I love it.

I had gone to one alternative therapy course that saved my life, then I did pretty much the rest on my own.

I did forgive them at one point after the course, but then b/c I was broke, I was forced to move in with them around 7-8 years ago. I thought I was healthy enough & secure within myself to handle it.

LOL, boy was I wrong.

Within the first week she was asking me if I found a place to move out to. FIRST WEEK.

The realization that they didn't want me there killed my spirit & after a few weeks I started to slip into a depression.

I swore I wouldn't be in the way, help around the house, work my biz b/c certainly I didn't want to be there either, but despite me doing all these things to not cause any friction (my brother still lived there of course), it didn't matter, she kept asking me periodically when I was moving out.

The depression set in & went on for about 2 1/2 years.

I also had had to give my son to them 3 months prior, & by the time I arrived, my son had forged a relationship with her so now he wouldn't listen to me.

When I realized she was trying to stop me from being his mother, I called social services & they intervened.

Me & my son did eventually bond again, but it was hard, & we lived there for 3 years.

Just as I was getting out of my depression, working out, doing better with my biz, etc., one day in the dead of winter she woke me up out of my sleep saying she called the police. She kicked me out on the streets with nowhere to go.

Of course she wanted my son to stay & I said no way.

We went into the shelter system & were there for around 9 months until I moved in with a guy I wasn't compatible with, but it was better than the shelter.

I eventually forgave her & started allowing my son to go over there again.

Eventually me & the guy broke up, & I needed some money to move. The Universe was with me on this & she agreed to give me some money which was TOTALLY unheard of b/c she never gave me anything my entire life. I knew she was doing it only for my son.

She went back on her word & gave me less then she said she would, but I dealt with it b/c I was grateful.

About 4 wks. after I got the money, & had moved, she asked me for a loan. I was in total shock by this request.

It wasn't a normal request obviously.

Normally I'm a very strong person & have learned how to say "no" a long time ago, but the guilt of her just giving me the money set in, & I felt like I had no choice.

My son's father (pretty much a dead beat dad & not just re: the money) was once again late with the child support & it was just before Christmas.

I started freaking out & called the step mother & asked her if she could call the father. I can't deal with him, it's like talking to a dead stone.

Like always, she refused. I asked her to give me the amount from the money I gave her, she refused.

I will admit I didn't ask in the nicest way & I realize now my fear around losing the money & having no place to live had set in, but of course, had she been a mother who knows her child & loves that child, she would have tried to calm me down. That of course never happens. Shelters aren't a fun place to be.

Her & I got into a fight. She eventually did give me the money, but in the meantime I had had enough with how she treated me expecting me to give her the money, her tone when we had the words, & I said my son couldn't go over there anymore.

Because no one in my family likes me let alone loves me, not one person called me.

They called my son, e-mailed him, but he refused to talk to them, so they eventually gave up.

I didn't want him to stop talking on the phone b/c I couldn't do that to him, but he had also been showing signs of their behaviour that was triggering me BIG TIME, & didn't know how to handle it other than pulling him out of there.

They never once called the house line (they called his cell), b/c they clearly didn't want to talk to me, so for an entire year there was no communication.

I even moved again & they had no clue.

to be continued...

[sensualspirit]

My son did miss the step mother once, & I told him I still didn't want him going over there. My brother always sides with his meal ticket, & while I appreciated the male role model, he's not a secure person, & I never felt comfortable with him hanging around my son.

Then 3-4 wks. ago in the middle of a snow storm my son wanted to go over there & talk. Things are really really rough for us right now financially, & I've been stressed to the gills.

I agree to drive us over there despite the weather & the fact that it will take a lot of gas from the car.

Unfortunately this is one of my issues, I know they don't love me, don't even like me, yet somehow I can't 100% accept this, & I always think things will change at some point.

We did talk, & discussed how they always ignore me, never invite me to anything, don't even phone me to see how I'm doing, etc. My son started making suggestions that they would call me for a movie or something, that would be good.

She invited us to a wedding.

My son said he wanted to go there for holiday break. I said fine.

Not once in the 2 wks. did my son call me, & the first night was terrible for me not b/c he was gone so much as b/c I felt all alone & the eviction was looming.

I won't go into all the details about my son & any issues I have with him, he's 15 1/2, & pretty well driving me up the wall , & my parenting skills have decreased over the last 3-4 years once I moved in with that guy.

Prior to that I was a lot more relaxed & modeling the screaming step mother & my critical father. Trust me, this does NOT make me happy at all.

My son came home last night after they drove him home, & that is a 20-30 minute drive which for them, is a distance. I thought they were going to come in to see the house (remember they had never been), etc., nope, nothing. They just dropped him off & away they went. I was hurt.

Then all of a sudden my son starts telling me that the step mother is still upset by how I treated her & how I stopped her from seeing my son.

I don't hold grudges, I'm no longer that type of person, BUT, I recognize that with some people I just can't go back to that relationship b/c things never change. I had let go of my anger towards her when we visited them 3-4 wks. earlier.

She also tells him she doesn't like talking to me on the phone b/c I'm constantly screaming or she said something similar.

I'm actually not screaming (trust me, I can scream if I want to), but I do get very passionate, & I almost always get hyper when I talk to them b/c there was never any respect in the house as far as everyone listening to one person, so everyone has to fight to get any talk time & even when they do get talk time no one is listening 100%, & interruptions are constantly made.

My son then tells me that she said she feels like I used her for her money, this upsets me again even though I knew she felt this back when I asked her for the money.

At this point I'm very upset, although not as upset as I was last night. I was crying last night, & I rarely cry, but they can bring it out of me

I don't want my son going over there again.

The pain of being ignored constantly, & also knowing they talk about me behind my back, hits my buttons big time.

For 15 years now I've lived with the fact that they don't care about me, they only care about my son. When he was a baby I was jealous of him, now it only hurts occasionally when I hear of all the places they took him, & I don't even get a phone call & when I do talk to her (my father doesn't talk to me), she's off the phone with me in 5 minutes.

She did make an effort slightly the one or two times I spoke to her before the wedding which is why it was such a SHOCK to hear how it was all a charade, & she's very good at that.

I feel for my son, he does want to continue to see them.

I'm torn, trust me, I AM. I don't want to act like an immature baby who's trying to get back at them.

My son said before he even went over there that he would talk to her about contributing to the rent. She said she would think about it, but in the meantime I see that she's willing to spend money on a trip for my son when food & rent is WAY more important than extras.

Yes I'm happy when they buy him clothes, but just like when my son goes over to his father's place, everything is always a party & in the meantime I'm freaking out at home b/c I can't pay the bills.

I want my son to have fun, this isn't about my lack of a social life, I feel it has more to do with how I was ignored not just by my parents, but by kids in school too, so one way to really trigger me is to ignore me which we all know is passive aggression big time.

It probably triggers the favouring my 1/2 brother got, & of course that they take my son all over the place, & I wasn't called for that movie, etc.

Then there is the other side of me that says that no parent is going to let their kid go over to someone's house if they don't approve, or it's someone who is treating me like garbage & while they aren't critisizing me, it's as if I don't exist.

I can't control my son, that's a given, but I need to respect myself & my boundaries, & this is just too much for me to take knowing she & my brother & probably even my father turn my son against me, & then he comes home agreeing with them & it's the old "let's gang up on her" feeling.

When I hear my son sticking up for her, I lose it. I had no idea they were even going to be discussing what happened b/c I thought it was a moot point.

I've written a somewhat nasty e-mail to her which I haven't done in absolute ions.

I did apologize for how I spoke to her a year ago, but I can't & won't take responsibility for how they have treated me for the last 39 years.

I would be more than happy to never hear from them again, their negative energy is very suffocating to me, I always feel like I'm taking steps backwards when I am around them, & my brother's arrogance causes fights all the time.

If my son wasn't in the picture, I would just opt out.

Normally I would never hang around people like this, & I don't believe blood is thicker than water, so I believe if family is unhealthy for you, you shouldn't be around them. This guilt about family is & how we have to be with them b/c they are family doesn't wash with me.

I have tried many many times to bond with them, so this isn't a lack of trying on my part. If I even saw one glimmer of desire for them to get to know me a as a human being, I'd put a ton more effort into the relationship, b/c I'm a very loyal person who believes in working on relationships.

Really sorry for the long post. Did I set a record??? LOL

Any suggestions?

Thanks


Michelle