Aftermath of emotional abuse

[alicat]

Hello all,

I posted about 6 months ago about me emotionally abusive husband. I have left him and we have been apart for all this time - he is in USA and I am in UK. To summarise the abuse: he would threaten me, push me, shove me, break my things, refuse to let me leave the house, hid ,my passport from me, took all the money from my account, accuse me of cheating with most men that I worked with or had to be in contact with - even my doctor! He's scared me so much that I feld the country - wow, intense I know!

Since then he has apoligized profusely and says he doesnt want the marriage to end, he is willing to come to UK and live with me, I had entertained this idea, but I know it won't work and that he wont change.

After finally deciding this can't go on, I haven't been sleeping well, I have no appetite and I can't get him out of my head. The doctor has given me some sleeping pills for two weeks, he says if I can't sleep after that then I should go back because I may have depression. I just feel awful - I know that I have to tell him its over, but, I'm dreading it. I have unplugged my landline phone and at night I switch off my mobile. Im a non-confrontational person and have always played the 'victim' role. How do I get out of this nightmare?!

[Erin Pavlina]

NLP techniques could probably help you. I saw a woman use NLP to prepare a court witness to face her abusive husband. I watched the woman go from mousy and scared to totally empowered and in control.

NLP stands for neuro linguistic programming (I believe). What you want to do is imagine this guy in your mind. chances are that when you do so you'll start to feel nervous and threatened. Now, piece by piece you're going to change the image. First, make it black and white. Next make it really small, like the size of your thumbnail. That will probably take much of the edge off right there. Imagine yourself standing very tall over his little thumbnail sized body. You know you could squish him under your foot if you wanted to.

Now, in this mode, with this image in your head, tell him you don't want any more contact with him, that your relationship is over.

In real life, when you tell him this, and you will, keep that image of him being small and black and white in your mind. Every time he tries to engage you or pleads and whines keep repeating one phrase, "it's over. We're done. That's it." Until he gets it. Don't answer his questions. Don't play into his hands. Just keep repeating, 'It's over. We're done. That's it." YOu are not required to answer anything he says. You can completely ignore anything he says to you and simply tell him what you want him to know.

Practice doing this and you'll feel better about it. Write it down and have it next to you when you talk to him. Don't wait for him to call, you pick the time and call him.

You can do it! Good luck!

[dancer]

Well done for removing yourself from what you describe as a dangerous situation. Good for you Alicat.

You have recognised yourself as someone who plays the victim role, I see this as another great milestone. I too, have played this role and it wasn't until I realised that "I" am responsible for the things that happen to me, was I able to work on it. The next step was forgiving myself. I haven't completely conquered it, but I am aware of it and when I recognise it is getting a grip on me, it backs off. I also spent a lot of time walking in forests and admiring nature. Long walks are a wonderful way to free the mind.

This site has helped me and lead me to reading Eckhart Tolle's, The Power of Now and The New Earth, which I highly recommend.

Love

[Peek]

Alicat,

Keep in mind that new born eyes always start with tears. IF and realy IF you have a depression, handle it with care.
But for the sake of the argument, let's just say you have to find YOUR way of life. Find it with joy and love, leave the word depression out of it, see it with new (born) eyes and keep going!
You took your responsiblity, you choose to be a winner, look at it with the winner view!

Love, and be loved.

[JimOfferman]

Hey alicat,

I was wondering how your horror story ended. Sorry to hear that the conclusion has yet to be written. I admire your bravery in taking steps to remove yourself from him and by doing that, I think you have won already.

He is powerless now. You have him cornered like a scared little kitten and now he is begging for mercy.

But mercy you cannot give him. You need this to end. You need to be free of him. And you know that he needs this to end too, because he will never change while he is in a 'relationship' with you.

So perhaps you can draw strength from the idea that what further steps you need to take, to completely remove him from your life, are for the better of both of you. He may not see that right now, but if he is lucky then in time he will.

And then you'll both be happy.

Take care. Be strong. Good luck!

[Maguru]

Originally Posted by alicat

Hello all,

I posted about 6 months ago about me emotionally abusive husband. I have left him and we have been apart for all this time - he is in USA and I am in UK. To summarise the abuse: he would threaten me, push me, shove me, break my things, refuse to let me leave the house, hid ,my passport from me, took all the money from my account, accuse me of cheating with most men that I worked with or had to be in contact with - even my doctor! He's scared me so much that I feld the country - wow, intense I know!

Since then he has apoligized profusely and says he doesnt want the marriage to end, he is willing to come to UK and live with me, I had entertained this idea, but I know it won't work and that he wont change.

After finally deciding this can't go on, I haven't been sleeping well, I have no appetite and I can't get him out of my head. The doctor has given me some sleeping pills for two weeks, he says if I can't sleep after that then I should go back because I may have depression. I just feel awful - I know that I have to tell him its over, but, I'm dreading it. I have unplugged my landline phone and at night I switch off my mobile. Im a non-confrontational person and have always played the 'victim' role. How do I get out of this nightmare?!

I agree with Dancer that you have reached a milestone in recognising the 'victim' role. This is where your problem lies. The only way to ensure you are not victmised is by 'not believing you are the victim' and taking responsibilty for yourself. It isn't easy but you have probably made the hardest decision and will learn to trust yourself.

Non-victims are equipped to make the tough choices. Your first hand experiences can help others to take courage and live the life they deserve. Your suffering is not in vain. It has brought out your strengths. See who you have become because of, or even despite, your pain. They say 'what doesn't kill you makes you strong.

[Marco Polo]

Originally Posted by Erin Pavlina

NLP techniques could probably help you. I saw a woman use NLP to prepare a court witness to face her abusive husband. I watched the woman go from mousy and scared to totally empowered and in control.

NLP stands for neuro linguistic programming (I believe). What you want to do is imagine this guy in your mind. chances are that when you do so you'll start to feel nervous and threatened. Now, piece by piece you're going to change the image. First, make it black and white. Next make it really small, like the size of your thumbnail. That will probably take much of the edge off right there. Imagine yourself standing very tall over his little thumbnail sized body. You know you could squish him under your foot if you wanted to.

Now, in this mode, with this image in your head, tell him you don't want any more contact with him, that your relationship is over.

You can do it! Good luck!

That's actually really interesting. I just tried that on something completely different (one of my fears) and it kind of helped me. Intriguing, this could be a useful tool.