This is silly! She's after my chair

[Silly]

I feel silly for even posting this but I'm concerned about my friend.

Every week my husband and I meet our friends for happy hour and we alternate between three different restaurants. We've done this for 3 or 4 years now. My husband and I usually arrive before our friends do so we take our seats and sit where we always sit from week to week.

About three weeks ago my friend arrived earlier than we did but instead of sitting where she normally sits, she was sitting in my usual seat. Her husband arrived at the same time as my husband and I did and asked my friend to take her usual place so he could see the TV. She refused. To avoid a conflict my husband sat next to her and I sat next to her husband so he could see the TV.

The next week, there she was again in my seat. I really wasn't all that concerned; it's just a chair after all.

Week three - We arrived at our second favorite restaurant and saw our friends entering the restaurant. We parked and went inside. Now, the restaurant was practically empty so my friend could have chosen any table she wanted but she went for our usual table. There are 6 chairs at the table but instead or choosing a different one, my friend sat in my usual place, again. Now I'm getting concerned.

My friend and I have been friends for many years. If she wanted my usual spot it seems like it would have been easy to just talk about it and see if we couldn't just alternate seats from week to week but she has said nothing. I've thought about asking her why she's doing this but it's so "all of a sudden" and "out of the ordinary" that I'm reluctant to confront her. Should I be concerned about her? (Ok, I'm already concerned, obviously.)

Am I just being silly about this? I feel like I am. What would you do? Anything?

[norbert]

She's silly not you. This made me laugh though

I can definitely understand your concern. It's not about the chair but being friends and respecting each other. Is that chair more important to her than your friendship? Now that's an issue.

Don't make up stories until you talk to her about this.

Maybe she always wanted to sit there for whatever reason and it took some time (2-3 years?!) until she couldn't resist anymore. For example, I hate sitting on a chair so that the whole restaurant gets behind my back. I only feel comfortable if there's space in the front of me; even better if nobody can surprise me from behind my back.

The TV part really upsets me. If she'd better watch TV then why does she go at all? I never let people watch TV when I'm around, or, if that's more interesting to them than my person, I leave.

I suggest you to talk to her. If you don't, it's like she has power over you (now the chair, what next?). Don't let it go unnoticed. I'm not saying to hurt her or something. Just ask her politely what's this all about. Come on, it's only a chair (isn't it? - I'm sorry, I couldn't resist ). Then let us know!

[openeyes]

One thing I'd try out (besides talking to her) is have your husband move so that he'll be sitting next to you again and not her, then see if she continues sitting where she has been or if she moves again to be sitting next to him. The idea of people having set seats at restaurants is new to me anyhow. I may try sitting next to a particular person, but otherwise the location of the seat means fairly little to me.

[Andrew Brunelle]

Maybe she just wants to see the restaurant from your vantage point and vice-versa. It just does seem silly that someone would do something like this. It is, after all, just a seat. All I can say is have a talk about it, or maybe just forget about it. There are far more important things than where someone is sitting. As long as you're not getting the three-legged chair with no back on it.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by Silly

Am I just being silly about this? I feel like I am. What would you do? Anything?

I would suggest that for the next gathering, the entire group try a new restaurant.

When the fish in my aquarium get too territorial, I shift the rocks and props around, creating new spaces and hidey-holes. The change in environment confuses and unsettles them and they stop attacking each other for a while.

[Angela]

This has nothing to do with your friend. This is all about you.

You say that you are concerned about your friend, but how is that landing for you? You think she is mentally ill or angry or something? She is just sitting where she is sitting, and you are making it mean there is cause for concern. The concern might be: why am I so attached to sitting in a particular spot? Why is my thinking so rigid? Why do I want to rob my dear friend of her freedom to sit wherever she pleases? Why do I want to rob myself of my freedom to be spontaneous and present, and to see familiar scenes from a new vantage point?

And my question is: why watch tv when you go out, when you could be connecting with your friends?

[NotesMaeve]

My first thought was, "Oh, she probably has a horrible zit that's harder to see from that angle." That's why I'd sit in a spot and act weird.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

That's why I'd sit in a spot and act weird.

But you are weird!

[Silly]

Thanks, everyone. After reading your responses I've concluded that this is probably a simple case of wanting to shake things up a bit because we've been doing the same things for such a long time. I like the idea of suggesting new restaurants. It's the silent part that I don't understand so I'll just talk to her about it amd hopefully we can both get a good laugh out of it.

It isn't my friend who watches TV, it's her husband but he isn't rude about it. He just likes to watch the sports segment on the new so he can see what the scores are. So we only lose his attention for a few minutes. It's all good.

No, Angela, I don't think my friend is mentally ill. I was concerned that she might have been overburdened with holiday stress or that maybe she might be suffering a slight case of depression given that our area has experienced an unusually dark and dreary winter this year. If it's just a matter or switching seats with her then we don't have a problem at all. I'd happily give my seat to my friend if that's what she wants. We've been friends for more than 20 years so when my friend all of a sudden starts acting differently and keeps silent about it, I don't think it's all that odd to try and figure out what might be wrong. I think that's what friends do.

Silly

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Silly

We've been friends for more than 20 years so when my friend all of a sudden starts acting differently and keeps silent about it, I don't think it's all that odd to try and figure out what might be wrong. I think that's what friends do.

Silly

If she suddenly stopped bathing or suddenly developed a habit of shouting curses at you, I could understand your thinking that something's "wrong". But suddenly parking her butt in a different chair than usual? You say you'd happily give her that seat if that's what she wants, and she has let you know that's what she wants -- by sitting there! What has you begrudging her that, or thinking something's wrong with this rather direct communication? You might be looking in the wrong person for signs of stress, depression, or the effects of a particularly dark and dreary winter.

You know, that might be one way to approach it, with 100% responsibility: "Brunhilda, I find myself unusually attached to my habits and rituals, and I'm thinking it might be because I'm at the effect of stress or a little seasonal mood darkness. It would comfort me to sit in that particular chair when we go to that restaurant. Would you please allow me that?" And if she says, no, that's my chair now, you could ask her why it's important to her.

Or even more simply: "I notice that after 12 years of me routinely sitting in that chair, you have suddenly chosen to park your butt there. What's up with that?"

p.s...good thing it's just your chair, and not your husband, huh?

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

But you are weird!

Hey! Who said you got to make accurate comments?

Originally Posted by Silly

...It's the silent part that I don't understand...

...

I was concerned that she might have been overburdened with holiday stress or that maybe she might be suffering a slight case of depression given that our area has experienced an unusually dark and dreary winter this year. If it's just a matter or switching seats with her then we don't have a problem at all. I'd happily give my seat to my friend if that's what she wants. We've been friends for more than 20 years so when my friend all of a sudden starts acting differently and keeps silent about it, I don't think it's all that odd to try and figure out what might be wrong. I think that's what friends do.

5 Reasons She Might Want a Different Seat

1) A draft.

2) ZIT!

3) Your former chair hurts her ass less.

4) Can hear better from that seat.

5) Just likes screwing with your head.

[dancer]

I got the impression that you feel threatened in some way by your friend taking your regular spot. Are you?

I agree with Angela that the issue is with you. Why is that seat important for you?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

5) Just likes screwing with your head.

You are so amusing, NotesMaeve! Isn't that what friends do?

[Silly]

I see. I didn't think I had an unusual attachment to my seat. I just thought that a friend whom I've never had a problem communicating with before and is now sending me silent messages was something to be concerned about. How stupid of me. But I wouldn't think that it would make me a bad friend and evil person, witch-like, in fact. Thanks for making me aware of that.

Silly

[dancer]

Originally Posted by Silly

I see. I didn't think I had an unusual attachment to my seat. I just thought that a friend whom I've never had a problem communicating with before and is now sending me silent messages was something to be concerned about. How stupid of me. But I wouldn't think that it would make me a bad friend and evil person, witch-like, in fact. Thanks for making me aware of that.

Silly

Who is saying you are a stupid, bad friend, evil and witch-like person? How did you reach that conclusion?

Confused...

[Angela]

Silly, I'm sorry that you feel attacked and put on the defensive -- I don't think you are a bad friend or a witch or evil person, and I'm sorry if you felt like that's what you were being called or how you were being perceived. I feel pretty safe in saying that nobody here thinks ill of you at all.

Since you're new here, you might want to be alert to some of the things we do here. One big one is steering each other towards taking responsibility for creating a life we love. That often means asking the poster to take a look at hermself and see how (s)he owns the very quality (s)he is noticing, concerned, complaining, confused or upset about in the world outside of herself.

Another one is giving the poster an alternative viewpoint, and inviting her to try on possibilities that are at least as true as the one the OP sees. That's great practice for being flexible, compassionate, growth-oriented, and young.

We do these things for each other a lot, and perhaps I made the mistake of considering that a new person posting here has read previous posts in the forum and will accepting and free to be part of that. I'm sorry for making that assumption.

Please consider taking whatever responses you get in these forums in the spirit in which they're (generally! ) given: the spirit of personal development for ourselves and everyone we encounter. If you feel like a response to your post or to anyone else's violates that spirit or forum rules, click on "report post" (little red & white triangle) at the top of the post to notify the moderators & administrators, and your objection will be get thorough attention and, if necessary, action; I promise.

[PennyD]

Silly, I can see where you are coming from and the reason you have come here to look at the issue as you are just not sure what it means.

For me if my friends and I had been doing something for 3 or 4 years and there had been a consistency of behaviour and then at a certain date the behaviour of one of them changes I would registered it as well. Then for three weeks in a row the behaviour has still changed i think it is legitimate enough to question whether it means something deeper. You say she didn't even say something like I fancy a change but has said nothing about it. I understand the silence aspect of this seeming to feel a bit threatening too.

I don't necessary know if it does mean anything deeper but it would register with me nonetheless. Sometimes behavour changes in others doesn't mean anything and sometimes it is the start of something big. My feelings are however that it maybe just something she is wanting to change and nothing too bad or to specifically do with your relationship. Suggest three new restaurants.

Are her other behaviours consitent with how you know her?

Maybe the best thing to do is to ask her how everything is going with her. If she says fine then you might have to trust her word and let the chair change go. If there is something she wants to talk about then you will have given her the opportunity and if the chair incident means something bigger and she doesn't want to talk about it you will know soon enough.

You should not need to do more math on the situation than that. Trust it is not about you and that it either means nothing or you will know more in time. Keep enjoying yourselves. Send loving thoughts to her, I find that always helps with the connection the next time I see someone.

all the best
Penny

[Silly]

Angela and Penny,

First, Angela, thank you. No, I didn't know what you were doing but it should have occurred to me. As it turns out, it may have been your failure to explain it in the beginning that helped me the most. I did what you said and examined myself instead of my friend.

After reading your last post, I went back and re-read your previous posts and wondered why I felt threatened by your messages. (Yes, you were right about that, too. ) I pondered that for a few days and have determined that I seem to be threatened by things I don't understand. (Odd. I didn't know that about myself.) So I wondered if that was my problem with my friend; I don't understand the changes she's making and feel threatened by it. So, thanks again. You've helped me more than you know.

Next, Penny, thank you for your response. I do indeed intend to talk with my friend but my approach will be different now. I'm no longer concerned about her, I'm mad at her. (Isn't it great that we can be mad at friend and still love them?) I mean really, here's my friend who, for three weeks in a row, has taken off work early just so she could sit in my seat! Surely she should have known that I'd have a reaction to that. Did she care? Apparently not. Did she care what my reaction would be? I guess not. So, now I intend to ask her how she thinks I feel about the new seating arrangment. If her answer is that she doesn't know, my next question will be whether she intends to ask me. After all, if she intends to be my friend she's just going to have to get used to caring about how I feel.

Of course I may not be mad at her tomorrow. Or it may be that I'm even more mad at her tomorrow, in which case I'll just make her get out of my chair.

Silly

[Rose of Cairo]

Please tell us about this conversation, I'm sooo curious now!

[Christian223]

There are two ways in wich you can interpret this behaviour:

1- Hates you: by sitting "on you chair" where you sit means that they subconsiously want to sit "on you", crushing you with their weight, or...

2- Admires you: they want to follow your lead by imitating your behaviour, they want to be like you...

All suffering comes from desire of the chair, dettach from the chair and youll achieve enlightement.



Seriously now, you said "I pondered that for a few days and have determined that I seem to be threatened by things I don't understand.", maybe thats part of why you got defensive, maybe its that you dislike to be taken out of what you like to do, but you tried to judge your friend instead, as if saying "why does she do this to me?!?", this is very common i think, to get defensive for things we consider "attacks" even when there wasnt any intention to attack... maybe the core issue here is that you do not entirely trust in people?, im just asking, but maybe you go defensive because you didnt trust your friend and you thought she would think to do something to hurt you?, maybe its an entirely different thing, myabe its something to think about...