How to feel free?

[wadoo]

Hola there,

I have a big problem with my communication skills. I catch myself often that I'm afraid to meet new people or to start talk with my acquaintances. May be I need more confidence.

Also I see that I have very little to say to people, who aren't my real friends, but just acquaintances.

But there is a better thing. There are 1-2 friends with which I can communicate very easy. I have a lot of to say, and I'm not afraid of them. I just feel free.

How to make that I could feel free with every person?

Any thoughts?

[Dating Specialist]

Maybe you can first find out what makes you so free with those friends whom you can talk to so easily? What about them makes you so relaxed.

Then before you speak to a new friend, imagine yourself speaking to your close friends and put yourself into that state. You will begin to notice a different sensation going in your body.

At the same time, reading will help you to gain a wider knowledge of subjects. With this, you'll find it easier to make small talk with new acquaintances.

Pick up Dale Carnegie's book on How To Win Friends And Influence People. I find that useful!

Lastly, take a deep breath and just do it. Practice makes perfect. This is always true. The more you speak, the more easily it gets! Have Fun!

[wadoo]

Dating Specialist,

Thanks for advices. I'll read "How to win friends and influence people". I think it would help me.

But I want, that other people, who will read this topic, will share their opinions about this situation.

Thanks.

[Radical]

The reason you don't feel free is because you are stuck in a state of self-conciousness, which is the opposite to a state of self-confidence.

You just have to try and get into the state of self-confidence that you are in around your friends. However, you are not alone, many people have this problem.

[wadoo]

No more suggestions?

[Vorhidin]

Originally Posted by Radical

The reason you don't feel free is because you are stuck in a state of self-conciousness, which is the opposite to a state of self-confidence.

I like that!... makes a lot of sense.

Originally Posted by Radical

You just have to try and get into the state of self-confidence that you are in around your friends. However, you are not alone, many people have this problem.

Like me, for example

wadoo, I can tell you my experience if you want. I'm often see myself like two diferent guys depending on the situation. When I'm with my closest friends I feel free because I don't feel judged, and I'm spontaneus and funny and comfortable. When I'm with people that aren't my closest friends I become rigid, and think about what they are probably thinking, and I doubt about where to look, and what to say, I become passive and nervous... etc etc. I worry too much.

I know that way of acting depends on me, not the others, so I need a way to change my actions, to be congruent with my true self.

So there are also moments at which I choose, consciously or subconsciously that doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks, and I simply act like if I was confortable. That turns very easy into actually being comfortable with strangers. And then becomes easier to take the following steps...

You know, you often don't see where is the door. And you don't want to take a step until you know where the door is. But the thing is when you start to walk, the doors appears. When taking initiative.

In fact I find that doing it consistently is a hard thing for me. I find I have a lot of inertia back from my passive days... But it's also one of the most rewarding things I'm on. I'm sure someday the inertia will be on the good side. As the same'll be for you.

[Radical]

I think alot of intelligent people have this problem, because they are so used to introspection and analysing everthing, they just can't stop thinking, lol.

Well that's my problem.

[Colm OReilly]

I'll wager that when you're talking to people easily, you're more devoted to what they are saying and doing, listening to them and responded. When you are not talking freely and easily, chances are you're thinking about yourself, how you feel awkward and can't come up with anything to say.

Train yourself to be more focused on the other person than you are on yourself.

This is just a quick suggestion you can start to implement straight away. On the whole confidence thing I blog on that (just getting started) so if you want to read some of what I've written it might be helpful.

Of course, a good coach will do wonders for you (mine has done wonders for me)

Colm

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by Colm OReilly

Train yourself to be more focused on the other person than you are on yourself.

I second that. It helps when instead of focusing on how you're feeling, you make it your primary focus to make other people feel better.

It also helps to remember a lot of people you'll speak to also have the same fears

wadoo, the worst thing that can happen here is if you let your fear constrict you. I used to be afraid of public speaking...until I started doing more presentations in front of groups of people.

The more I did it, the more comfy I got with doing it, sometimes it was even fun!

Doesn't mean I don't get the butterflies in my stomach from time to time, but my previous experiences help me deal with them much better.

Nobody starts off riding a bicycle like an Olypmic champion you get on, stumble, fall off, get back on again, stumble, ride. Didn't mean you sucked, you just had to practice.

Anytime you're going to do something new, you're going to be uncomfortable. But doing things that are good for you and scare you help you burst out of that ole comfort zone!

My suggestion; put yourself in situations where you'll have to meet new people. Bring a friend if that helps. Read a couple of books on this, and go out and practice. The real world efforts pay off the most

[fourthdan]

I totally recomend dale carnegie as well. that book should be taught as cirriculum to every kid in the world.

also Practice makes perfect, and definately in the world of public speaking.
(a camera in the privacy of a room where you practice presentations help you review and impove exponentially!)

But that's technique of speaking, you still have to master body language which accounts for 60% of what and how you communicate to other people.

Confidence will show instantly. Remember - what do you have to lose? nothing of great value. If you're worried about stuff, maybe you should pick up another carnegie classic - "how to stop worrying and start living". Amazing book that has strategies on being calm and letting go of worries.

[SamBeaven]

Steve posted an article or a podcast a while ago about Erin's beliefs about people - that we're all connected in the end, and that we already know everyone. I had a go at installing this belief and have found it's greatly improved my abilities with this stuff (I had exactly the same problem until recently).

Also reminds me of a quote from the podcast 'uncomfortable questions' (which is great and located here: 'Uncomfortable Questions' it's a podcast interview show with interviews of ordinary people about the deep questions in life, like the existence of god, what does love mean, etc.). An interviewee once said that he thinks of everyone as being separate islands - on teh surface they're divided by water, but if you go deep enough below the surface, they're all connected to one another.

And I second the suggestion to read Carnegie. It's a fantastic book that needs to be read and re-read. Also, Larry King's written a book called 'How to talk to any body, any time', which I haven't actually got into yet, but I've heard it's good (plus, y'know, Larry King...)

[Radical]

I suppose if we cut off all attachment to our ego, then we would have nothing to fear?

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by Radical

I suppose if we cut off all attachment to our ego, then we would have nothing to fear?

Theoratically, but you'd be pushing it close to Buddhahood on that one I think

[wadoo]

Thank you all for advices

Maybe will be more examples from "real" world? Not just theoric thoughts.

[sept]

I've dealt with this alot recently. It helped me to take a moment when I was with the friends I felt most comfortable with and say to myself... This is me always. I am always the same at my core. I can be comfortable and confident with whoever I choose to be with. It is not the people I am with that make me comfortable or confident, it is my choice to be comfortable and confident.

Hope this helps!

kelly

[sept]

Oh, and take a moment when you are with new people to remember this new belief and reinforce it.

[Colm OReilly]

This is me always. I am always the same at my core. I can be comfortable and confident with whoever I choose to be with.

Brilliant. True. Inspired.

Thank you,
Colm