Too Sensitive

[European38]

Hi there I am too sensitive to other peoples comments and opinions of me, it is the single most troublesome part of my personality, does anyone know more about this like why it is I am so sensitive and how I can stop from being so hurt and offended by everything? people would have no idea that I am upset really apart from I might avoid them after, at the time my feelings would be hidden it just gets added to the "why people are so nasty to me" pile!!! generally it wouldn't always be what someone even said it would be more me thinking that people don't want to be around me or be friends with me by things they say or their behaviour. A lot of this goes on internally in my head and is centred around rejection or perceived rejection. My dad suffered from depression and had an affair, I remember at the time I felt rejection that he would risk losing his family for her but even though I know this I still can't conquer it

[JimOfferman]

Welcome to the forums European38!

Rejection appears to be a big a problem for you and it shouldn't be, really. Rejection happens to everyone all the time and it doesn't actually say anything about you or your worth. How you handle rejection, however, says a lot about who you are. You can work on that. Try to find better ways to deal with rejection.

It takes time, but it can be learned. I used to be toppled by the slightest shimmer of a hint of rejection and now rejection bounces off me like Persian hordes bounce off Spartan soldiers (if you've seen 300, you'll know what I mean). The means by which I accomplished this are very simple: analyze each and every rejection. Is there something you can and -more importantly- want to improve to avoid such rejection next time? No? Let it slide... Yes? Change! Repeat ad infinitum.

Another thing you can try is to raise your emotional pain barrier a little. A very small child may cry about every tiny cut and bruise, but quite quickly it will learn that many a cut or bruise really isn't worth crying about and learn to suffer through those little things without ever making a fuss. Mommy's comfort is only necessary when it really hurts.

Your emotional pain barrier can be raised in much the same way. Decide which emotional pains are too small to make a fuzz about and learn to tolerate those. Take small steps. Doesn't matter if you're still wincing the first few times, sooner or later you will learn to control yourself just a little bit better. And then a little bit better still. And so forth.

I can tell you, the bar can be raised quite high.

You could be walking around naked with people stabbing in your chest and it wouldn't even sting!

(I mean naked emotionally, of course...)

[European38]

ye Ive tried to not let things in but I can't stop them from penetrating right to the centre of my soul. Ive actually seen a Cognitive behavioral therapist for ages and still I can't stop myself from getting hurt it's like I feel worthless when I feel rejection which I know is a self esteem issue. The funny thing is I know Im pretty and smart and kind and a nice person but none of this seems to matter. It's like I know it in my head but I can't feel it? does that make sense? I know I should have more confidence but I can't feel it. I feel like Im bad company around people and thats probably the root of why it is I get so distressed

[Christian223]

Give EFT a try (link at my sig.), Tapping.com - Free EFT Videos - Emotional Freedom Technique to see some easy to follow videos, im sure it will be a great help for you, good luck.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by European38

Ive tried to not let things in but I can't stop them from penetrating right to the centre of my soul.

Sorry to be blunt, but you can stop this from happening if you want to. I don't possess any (super)human abilities that you don't have also.

Stop saying "I can't", because every time you say that what you really mean is "I won't". It is disempowering. It is surrendering yourself to circumstance. Don't be the victim of your life - be the perpetrator.

You create the life you want and if you don't want to be too sensitive, it really is up to you to create a world for yourself where you don't have to be.

You and only you are in complete control of your life and what happens to you.

Take that control!

I feel like Im bad company around people and thats probably the root of why it is I get so distressed

This is an important realization. Would you care to dig a little deeper? Why would you be bad company? What about you could be so terrible as to warrant such an idea?

(The correct answer would be 'nothing', but then we wouldn't be having this discussion )

Btw. I have no personal experience with EFT and I dislike the hit-and-run style in which Christian always promotes it, but it is a tool you can put to good use. Try it. See if it clicks for you.

[European38]

hi there and thanks for your response, in one way I understand what your saying about I am in complete control of your life and what happens to me but in another I don't. I feel people always judge me on appearances and I get negative reactions from people even though I honestl feel I am a nice person. I am kind to people and dont get any pleasure from seeing other people in pain. I feel people are not that generous to me though. Im not afraid to say I feel I am a pretty girl and I find I get a lot of attention that I dont want. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad but overall it doesn't make any difference to me as I just want to blend into the background. I hate standing out all the time but I do. I feel I am bad company because I am quite serious at the moment and I don't seem to be able to take things lightly really, I am fine in a group but on a one to one I don't really have all that much to say, I feel my spirit is bruised and that happy go lucky girl I used to be is all but forgotten I am desperately trying to be happy but feel so pushed around and at the mercy of other people that just as I get back on my feet I am knocked back down again. Life has been such a struggle for me and I really need a change.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by European38

Life has been such a struggle for me and I really need a change.

Yes you do. But you have to understand that you and only you can bring about that change.

When I read your last post and the ones before it, I cannot help but notice how you place the responsibility for your (un)happiness in the hands of others. This is where you start to make things difficult for yourself. Your happiness is your responsibility and not that of anybody else.

Here is where happiness begins: take responsibility for your life. Own it. Really own it. Start with yourself and move outward.

Are you (and you alone) perfectly happy with who you are right now at this very moment? No? Why is that? What can you change internally to be better aligned with yourself. Don't think about the rest of the world just now, focus on you. Put yourself before all others.

Once you arrive at a place where you can accept yourself for all that you are and for all that you are not, then -and only then- you are in a position to start looking outward. Then you can start asking yourself question like 'what am I willing to change to fit better with the people around me?' or 'should I move to a place where the people fit around me better?' But those things are still a few stops out for you, it seems.

Start with you. Take small steps. And feel free to ask anyone here for help at every step of the way.

Good luck!

[European38]

thanks Jim what you say makes perfect sense to me but I don't know why I am not happy with myself, I think I am a nice person and deserve happiness but I feel worthless when other people don't see me as a good person, this is what effects me the most - what do they think of me. I can not seem to change this if I say to myself I value my opinion of me more than their opinion of me it just feels like a lie Im spinning to myself

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by European38

thanks Jim what you say makes perfect sense to me but I don't know why I am not happy with myself, I think I am a nice person and deserve happiness but I feel worthless when other people don't see me as a good person, this is what effects me the most - what do they think of me.

So you do know why you are unhappy with yourself: you feel worthless when other people don't see you as a good person.

Who are these people, really? Your friends? Family? Lover? Colleagues? Or just people in the street?

Having established who these people are, the next question would be: does their opinion of you really matter? Is their opinion of you really what you think?

Do you really believe that there are people who think you are a bad person? If so, why would they think such a thing? What reason can you possibly give them to think that?

If I would venture a guess, I'd say that the people close to you (friends, family) do not think you are a bad person at all. People further removed from you probably don't care or are indifferent - which shouldn't matter to you at all. There are six billion people on this earth, you can't possibly have them all like you (and, quite frankly, you don't want that either).

[European38]

well I dont think anyone would be able to say I am a bad person but I feel they resent me or don't like me. I think girls are waiting for a chance to not like me so things like the other day I didn't see someone in work when they said hello to me and with that the whole group got bitchy and nasty towards me if someone didn't see me I wouldn't react like that. I am concerned with what other people think because I really want to feel accepted. I can't change what I feel so I dont know how to get out of it. I realise there are some people who are indifferent but I just can't seem to get there mentally. I dont mind if people dont like me for something that happened like an argument but it's never anything like that it's just for me being me that really offends people

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by European38

well I dont think anyone would be able to say I am a bad person but I feel they resent me or don't like me. I think girls are waiting for a chance to not like me so things like the other day I didn't see someone in work when they said hello to me and with that the whole group got bitchy and nasty towards me if someone didn't see me I wouldn't react like that. I am concerned with what other people think because I really want to feel accepted. I can't change what I feel so I dont know how to get out of it. I realise there are some people who are indifferent but I just can't seem to get there mentally. I dont mind if people dont like me for something that happened like an argument but it's never anything like that it's just for me being me that really offends people

All of this is your perception. Were they really bitchy over such a small thing or were they just taunting you a little? I wasn't there, of course, but I'm inclined to say it was the last. Why? Because that is what groups of people do. If someone here in the office misses a colleague when they come in for work, you can bet we'll be taunting him over it! That doesn't mean we resent or dislike him.

Here's where raising your emotional pain barrier comes in. A little taunting is not going to hurt you in the long run, so don't take offense.

You want to feel respected and appreciated. Again - and I am just going to keep on saying this - this starts with you. Respect and appreciate yourself first. If you do, I can guarantee you that you will be more respected and appreciated by your peers as well. People cannot help but respect those who are proud to be who they are. Such people are a blast to be around!

You can definitely become one of those people.

How do I know this? Because I have already walked in your shoes. I have been the person who was offended by the littlest things. Thankfully, someone told me I could change all that - and I have. Now I'm just passing that gift on to you (hopefully).

[European38]

well it wasn't taunting it was flat out not talking to me and ignoring me when I came into the room! Im actually ok about taunting and things like that it's just rejection I have a problem with. Im quite tough when it comes to slagging and stuff it's just as I said rejection. Anyway thanks I appreciate what it is your saying and I understand and believe it I just can't do it, I shall digest everything you are saying to me and try and change it.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by European38

I just can't do it

Please just stop saying that. It's not true.

But take your time to take everything in and process it. These things don't turn on a dime - it takes time for everything to sink in and click into place. Give yourself that time. But keep your eye on the ball: it's all about you!

[European38]

ok well I'll think about everything and see if I can change anything and get back to you in a few days to tell you how Im getting on, the strange thing is that it's not as if I don't believe everything you said it's just mastering the techniques, anyway I'll let you know how I get on

[European38]

just reading that again and trying to absorb it when I had a question pop into my mind, so do bad things happen to happy people but they just react differently? like are there people out there who experience the same things as me but decide to not let it in and then inturn are happier?? sorry I know this is a bit elementary but I need to understand the basics?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by European38

just reading that again and trying to absorb it when I had a question pop into my mind, so do bad things happen to happy people but they just react differently? like are there people out there who experience the same things as me but decide to not let it in and then inturn are happier?? sorry I know this is a bit elementary but I need to understand the basics?

Yes. They know that happiness comes from within and thus aren't affected so much by the behavior of others.

[PennyD]

Hi European38,

Jim has offered you such good advice but you remind me a little of myself and a mind set I was once in so thought I would put my penny's worth in.

I used to think everyone disliked me and were saying mean things to me all da time. and try as I may I could not stop these thoughts from happening by just trying to be less sensitive.

So I started working on the specifics. ie being ignored. I decided that I am fun and interesting and that everyone wants to say hello. I did a very basic thing like affirming this too myself and sure enough I started to bounce in rooms and everyone said hello.

(law of attraction principle is that my 'I am a fun person' vibration was very high so I attracted people who agreed with this and it became my reality from then on). Actually still to this day if I happen to notice that someone is ignoring me.. which is not very often as I am not looking for it at all.. but my first thought it now.. I wonder what is wrong with so and so maybe they are having a bad day!

haha I never assume it has anything to do with me!

I know it may seem overwhelming at the moment European38 by Jim hit the nail on the head when he said it is your perception of what is happening and it is mostly likely not as bad as you perceive it to be.

Try a few positive affirmations around the specifics of regection.. e.g. I am fun and loveable and attract many people who like me and care.

all the best.

[Christian223]

We have a mind wich has a life of its own, for example, a person wich fears spiders cant control his fear, even when it is irational, the fear of spider is out of his control because his mind somehow revives the fear he felt sometime in the past, meanwhile other people arent so fearfull of spiders, i dont know why this happens, i guess that we humans are terribly fragile beigns and all of us are hurt in different ways, all of us im sure.

EFT can help this person to get rid of his fear of spiders so that he can have a normal response towards them, and it can help you to get a normal response towards people so that you arent hurt so easely anymore, this techinque has a record of having helped thousands of people around (me included) the world in a very short period of time, you just have to focus on the feelings and EFT will take them away from you.

Regarding affirmations, there is a catch to them, when you say a positive affirmation, the mind responds to it in the way its used to, so for example, if your belief is that "im am ugly" and you want to improve that, you would start with an affirmation that says "im cute", but imediately your mind will respond like this "im an not cute, im ugly" in a subconcious level, so you must firt get rid of this negative belief to later install the new belief, i recommend this article that explains this in more detail and how can you use EFT to help speeding up the process to get where you really want to be, and good luck!. Palace of Possibilities - Using EFT to achieve one's potential

[PennyD]

European38,

EFT is a very powerful technique or you can try affirmations or any of the other tools that people here on the site use to help them change their beliefs and feel better about themselves.

Try anything that you are attracted to and see if can help YOU feel less overwhelmed by your sensitivity.

By the way there are studies that show that often people with high IQ often have very sensitive natures. Maybe your sensitivity is something that when you learn to master can be a very valuable assest in your life. Empathy for others and emotional intelligence are also amazing traits to foster and the sensitivity you feel now could mean that you can be strong in all of these areas.

[European38]

ye people are always saying to be sensitive is a good trait but I don't see the value because what it brings with it brings so much pain and torment. Is EPT the tapping thing?

[uberinquisitive]

I highly recommend EFT. If you can, find a master practitioner (you can have sessions over the phone), and spend about 4 sessions really collapsing your issues. It's well worth the money.

[European38]

thanks guys for all your replys and Ive kinda come around to the idea that I am feeling so hurt insude because I really don't love myself at all. I love myself when other people think Im great and I hate myself when other people dislike me. Not good. Anyway my mission for 2008 is to really love myself, really care for myself and really grow strong within. Now I have narrowed down my mission the next thing is to actually do it! does this make any sense to any of you. If I was to list some of my good qualities I would list the following:

loyal
kind
honest
genuine
understanding
non-judgemental
loving
sensitive
attractive
talented
intelligent

quite a healthy list I think and the list of someone who would appear to have high self esteem. What I don't understand is why oh why can I still not love myself in my heart when my head thinks all of these good things about myself????? I dont understand what my problem is, normally with someone who is not happy in themselves and who has low self esteem the list would be more bad qualities than good but mine is more good than bad and I still have this block in the road I can't get passed!

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by European38

I love myself when other people think Im great and I hate myself when other people dislike me.

Read this line a few times. What do you think of this idea? Doesn't it sound a bit silly to you? If so, why would you have such a silly idea in the first place? Try digging in your dirt a little for the answer... you want to find the root here!

non-judgemental

Except when it comes to you! Why do all the other people in the world deserve better treatment from you than you yourself do? Aren't you the most important thing in your life?

(And don't you even DARE answer that last question with a 'no')

I dont understand what my problem is, normally with someone who is not happy in themselves and who has low self esteem the list would be more bad qualities than good

I don't think that is true. I think it is normal for people who are unhappy (with themselves) to have a long list of good qualities. The problem for them is that they feel that the list is never quite long enough.

But they are all wrong.

Even if their lists contained only one entry, they would be more than good enough.

[PennyD]

European38, this is a great place to be.

I love your list of qualities and they are great qualities. What you maybe need to do now is think more deeply about these qualities and really cement them into your life and value them yourself.

ie loyal, why is loyal great? what does this mean for your lovability? what does loyal offer you and offer others?

being loyal to me means that you are a person with a certain integrity. It means that you put value into relationships and stand by people when they ask you to. it also means that you will have an internal sense of dependency that others can count on you and that you will not be fickle. It is an amazing quality to have and you should feel a greater sense of self worth when you realise how valuable this quailty is in yourself and for those around you.

you will be a steady rock and loyal to yourself and beliefs first and then offer this quailty to others!!

see how amazing this will make you feel.

really do this exercise daily, on all your qualities and really understand their worth and your worth. Also when you do things in your day to day life think about which value you are using.

you will soon fall madly in love with yourself..

ditto on what Jim says about nonjudgemental!!! very good point.

have fun and I am really impressed that you have stepped up to take control of your own self worth the way you have.
x
Penny

[Chado2423]

I don't personally recommend EFT or anything like that. Statistically EFT has minimal success results on a National scale. I'm not saying it won't work for you, or not to try it, but I think you may have issues to deal with before you can even try something like that. One reason I don't like EFT, is because I don't see how tapping and telling yourself things are better than they really are is going to help. But, I do agree with the statement that how we percieve things is very important. I do suggest really thinking about your problem in a productive way, and actually doing something to change it. No more sitting around, moping about it. Get yourself in a state where you are ready to sit down and think it through, and maybe even write out some possible ideas you can try. Of course you won't change it until you are ready to. A part of you doesn't want to change, or you'd have already changed. Another part of you is probably insecure, or just questioning what to do. The only way to work through emotional struggles is to either push through them, or feel them out. EFT, NLP, etc. just won't work when your in a highly emotional state... they'll only work, once you get out of that state and are ready for them. But you have to do the inner-work. And you have to allow yourself the gift of your life and to be able to say "yes" to what you want, and "no" to what you don't want. You have to be brave enough to step up to the plate and be ready for that ball when it comes. You might strike out a few times, but the point is to keep trying. I never advice EFT, or NLP or affirmations, because I don't want you to have false hope in those techniques. You can't always win the challenge, unless you struggle a little. But that doesn't mean you have to keep on struggling. Sometimes its hard to get out of that state, but you can get out, if you just push yourself out of it.

Give yourself permission to love a little bit, to hate a little bit, to go places, to do things, to screw up... give yourself permission to live your life.

[European38]

Hi thanks folks, Im finding this site hugely supportive and I keep going back to read the posts. I think things are finally starting to click with me. I am so hard on myself and I think I have been expecting too much and not letting myself be me. I have been rejecting myself and always expecting more. I am possibly a bit of a perfectionist. I have been working on myself for years and years and wondering why things aren't changing more than they are and I realise now it's because I haven't commited myself to loving myself. I didn't really realise that was what I needed to do, I didn't even really realise I didn't love myself in the first place! thank you all so much for your help x

[PennyD]

Euopean.. wow I loved your recognition of where you are now.. and that you have admitted you are too hard on yourself.. huge step!!

it is couragous to say you need to fall in love with youself more as not many people like to admit they need to work on themselves in this area.

all I can say is Welcome to the most amazing and wonderful journey of your life.. falling deeply and madily in love with yourself is a beautiful journey to be on and I know all areas of your life will more easily and effortlessly impove for you in way you can not now imagine.

all the best and keep posting.
Penny

[samuelpauls]

Hi European38,

I read the first few posts, so hopefully this hasn't been addressed yet, but I have something to add:

First and foremost, you are a person! I believe that no one deserves to be treated badly. (Someone who treats others badly would do well to be brought to justice, but not treated badly if that makes sense.) Going along with this thought, I really think that love is about doing more for one than one could even deserve. Anyone can treat others nicely if they treat that person nicely first, but it takes a genuine effort to first care for someone else or care for someone else even if nothing is returned. I dare you to choose one person and do your best to blow the socks off that person without any expectation in return. Try to figure out what that person values, what he/she wants to do with their life, and find ways to openly and directly compliment their good qualities. I bet thinking about someone else more than yourself will help you to feel better about yourself too.

Secondly, have you ever thought of being oversensitive in terms of a computer firewall? A computer firewall (at least in Windows) will typically display a message if someone is attempting to break into your system. Likewise, if you feel hurt by someone your emotions call you on it. If you perceive a threat to your computer while online, because of what your firewall told you, you may be able to use that information to fix a potentially disastrous situation. In the same way, by using your emotional prompts why not analyze the heck out of them and, by putting in a little confidence, confront others that you have issues with to heal them. Someone else might find a situation to be small, but if it's important to you, there is a reason to fix it. Your opinion is important too and you are a person!

Samuel

[European38]

hiya just thought Id give you the update. I have been listening to

Hay House Radio | Radio For The Soul | Listen Live to Hay House Authors | Homepage

and in particular "Ask and it is given" shows and I think the penny is starting to drop that I am unhappy because of what I am doing inside of me and not what people around me are doing to me. I still amen't 100% there but the concept makes sense to me now. I still don't know how to not care as much but Im trying my best to repeat to myself

"the most important thing is that Im happy and nothing else matters, what he said to me doesn't matter, what matters is that I am happy" Im wondering do you think that if I grasp this will I stop attracting toxic people and will I be surrounded by more loving, genuine people? big question I know but has anyone been there before?

[yossarian]

“I wonder if it’s really true what I’m hearing—that the Buddha will still love those who abuse him and always return good for evil. I don’t believe it,” the skeptical man thought to himself. “I shall set out and see.” Once he arrived at the place where Gautama Buddha was staying, the man walked up to the renowned teacher and began his attack, spewing his harsh criticism and abuse while the Buddha listened. When his accuser finally stopped, the Buddha asked him a simple question.

“If a man declined to accept a present offered to him, to whom would it belong?” asked the Buddha.

“It would, of course, belong to the person who offered the gift,” the man replied.

“My son,” said the Buddha, “you have railed at me, but I decline to accept your abuse and ask you to keep it yourself. As the echo belongs to the sound, and the shadow to the substance, so misery will overtake the evil-doer without fail.” He went on to explain that “the wicked person who reproaches a virtuous one is like one who looks up and spits at heaven; the spittle soils not the heavens but comes back and defiles his own person.” The man realized how foolish he had been. He went away ashamed and later returned to learn more of the Buddha’s teachings and join his community.

Had the Buddha believed what his attacker was saying, he might have begun to doubt himself. He might have given this man permission to define his real worth. Had the Buddha become outraged, he might have lashed out at his attacker, infuriating the man further and escalating the conflict. In so doing, the Buddha would have lost his loving center, his perspective and his ability to see the truth. Instead, Gautama took the opportunity to stand up for himself, go into his heart and deliver with love the truth this man needed to hear.

(I plagiarized this particular excerpt from some site. If they whine "Copyright!" I claim "Fair Use"! )

"Honoring Yourself" by Patricia Spadaro

P.S. Euro, know that you're not alone. A lot of us struggle with similar issues. Learning to love yourself is the best thing you can do for the world. When you love yourself, and have compassion for yourself, it becomes easy to offer this love to others, and really brighten the world in every moment.