What do I do now??

[Alyesha]

I have had a male who came into my life 6 weeks ago, who appeared to be loving, gentle and friendly. I have had alot of low points earlier this year and this relationship seemed to be something special.

However I have found this male to be completely the opposite to how he portrays himself (or how he see's himself). On Christmas I received a few short texts (one could say they where impersonal almost grunts), he had agreed to come over but never responded to my text or turned up. I texted him back how I felt. Heard from him two days later. Things moved quickly again up today when he stated that he would spend New Years with me (this was yesterday) - now he has told me that he is meeting up with friends in town. No suggestion of me being included.

I have also be frought with problems that he getting from his ex's and a friend. This is somewhat off-putting. I have offered sensible solutions to preventing ongoing ex input - ie changing sim card, moving out the place he is living in etc.

I have had a gutsful of all the difficulties that this relationship has brought. I have never had this sort of problem before. I feel used and abused whole heartly. I am not relaxed in this relationship as I have been in others, I have a constant knot in my stomach (apprehension?). I feel that I am only there for his entertainment.

I am tired of dealing with a male who seems very self centred and careless for those who really care. He has yet to appologise for the Christmas issue.


What type of personality would this male be placed in? My thoughts is a perpetual emotional abuser and some one who likes to be the victim in all matters that arise. When I try and explain my emotions, all I get from him is "what about me, who is the victim here?". I am often cut short mid sentence or he diverts the conversation to a ground that revolves around him.

I need to cut ties, but I am worried about my safety.

Any thoughts on how I can deal with this man as to not prevoke him?

Would be grateful of some immediate help.

Alyesha

[ixmatus]

Talk to him about it, if no neutral ground is reached then just leave.

Also realize that everyone in the world is self-centered; the difference is, however, that a man who is both self-centered and caring for you will have his emotions invested in you and the relationship. This dude sounds like he still has some older emotions invested in the ex and that old relationship, which is not what you deserve, because you are self-centered and want someone who is reciprocally invested in the relationship!

So, like I said, if talking to him doesn't turn out then leave him and make yourself available for a man that can invest in the relationship. If you do leave, don't drag it out, be respectful and to the point so there is no ambiguity as to what your intentions are.

This current guy isn't the bad guy, he is probably just trying to get through some rough and confusing emotions.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Alyesha

I have had a gutsful of all the difficulties that this relationship has brought. I have never had this sort of problem before. I feel used and abused whole heartly. I am not relaxed in this relationship as I have been in others, I have a constant knot in my stomach (apprehension?). I feel that I am only there for his entertainment.

So why are you still in this relationship?

[Alyesha]

Originally Posted by ixmatus

Talk to him about it, if no neutral ground is reached then just leave.

Also realize that everyone in the world is self-centered; the difference is, however, that a man who is both self-centered and caring for you will have his emotions invested in you and the relationship. This dude sounds like he still has some older emotions invested in the ex and that old relationship, which is not what you deserve, because you are self-centered and want someone who is reciprocally invested in the relationship!

So, like I said, if talking to him doesn't turn out then leave him and make yourself available for a man that can invest in the relationship.

This current guy isn't the bad guy, he is probably just trying to get through some rough and confusing emotions.

Hi Ixmatus

Interesting view point, thoughtful too. I have spoken to him on previous occassions however as I stated in my post he is very apt at turning the conversation back to him again.

I am a patient and tolerant person and have been told to me many a time in the past. I am conscious of what is happening at this point with this guy and have given him alot of emotional input.

Do I really want to be there and support him through rough times only to be spat out at the other end?

I am not angry at him, yes disappointed that yet again he has gone back on his word. That is what saddens me.

Alyesha

[Alyesha]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

So why are you still in this relationship?

Quite honestly - I don't know.

I want to get out of it, but worried of the ramifications.

Alyesha

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Alyesha

I want to get out of it, but worried of the ramifications.

What ramifications?

It's not like he is going to shoot you for leaving him, is he? Even if he did threaten to do that, he'd probably not show up because some friend called him to go some place.

Here are some ramifications you should be worried about: you are not happy with the current relationship and while you are in this one, you are not free to pursue something better.

He is not the last of a dying breed you know, there are other 'males' out there.

(although I would prefer if you'd just call us men...)

[Alyesha]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

What ramifications?

It's not like he is going to shoot you for leaving him, is he? Even if he did threaten to do that, he'd probably not show up because some friend called him to go some place.

Here are some ramifications you should be worried about: you are not happy with the current relationship and while you are in this one, you are not free to pursue something better.

He is not the last of a dying breed you know, there are other 'males' out there.

(although I would prefer if you'd just call us men...)

Hey Jim

Well I hope he won't come after me with a gun!

How ever he is emotional male, which is fine in some ways but not in others if you get my drift.

Quite frankly - this year my main aim was to re-balance myself, not to get into a relationship, least of all one that has many issues from the past - (Not on my side).

So how does one move on with out provoking, when a man doesn't take no for a answer.

Alyesha

PS I am not anti-male

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Alyesha

So how does one move on with out provoking, when a man doesn't take no for a answer.

You just do.

He doesn't own you - you do.
He has no power over you - you have.

If he wants to burst out in rage after you've told him you're leaving, let him. That is his loss, not yours. If you are concerned that he would threaten or harm you, separate yourself from him and tell him over the phone (from your description, that shouldn't be too hard to do). I'm sure you have some friends or family you can count on for support.

Don't allow yourself to be trapped by this man. Your life is much to precious for that.

I am not anti-male

Please stop using the word 'male'. It's degrading. Male is what biologists use to identify gender. We're talking about men here.

[Alyesha]

Thank you Jim for your words of wisdom. I do have the support of family and friends.

Take care and Happy New Year

Aylesha

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by Alyesha

I have had a male who came into my life 6 weeks ago

Look, it's not as if you've been with him 6 years or 6 months.

6 weeks is very short, and if you're running into relationship problems this early, just walk away .... I don't think anyone owes anyone very much anyway, after a 6-week relationship.

[DayInTheLife]

There are some disturbing overtones in your posts.

Why are you worried about your safety? Does he threaten you?

Any thoughts on how I can deal with this man as to not prevoke him?

Provoke him to do what?

The writing's on the wall. Get away from this person. He is not going to make your life better.

[Ree]

If you feel your safety is threatened, tell him over the phone or in a public place that you're quitting the relationship. I don't think you made it clear in your earlier posts why you feel threatened or why you are afraid to "provoke" him. He doesn't really seem to be pursuing you ardently, from what you've described. Did we miss something?

If it's your intuition telling you to be careful, listen to it!

[Alyesha]

Thank you for all your help.

Many thanks

Alyesha