apologizing sincerely is tougher than I thought

[uberinquisitive]

Two days ago, bf told me he wanted some alone time after Christmas. I told him I wanted him to change his mind. A big blow-out ensued.

I wrote the following email to my bf today:

I'm very sorry I didn't respect your boundaries. It was wrong of me to use tears and emotional blackmail to try to force you to change your mind. I really regret making you feel cornered. I was in the wrong, and my behavior was inexcusable. You were in the right to ask me to leave. I take 100% responsibility for being unreasonable.

I was exaggerating and being a brat when I said you don't make me feel important. You cut your business trip short to spend time with me. Most of your free time since Thanksgiving, you have spent with me. You've bought me beautiful pink roses, and a gorgeous black rose necklace. You've cooked great meals for me.

I'm not perfect, and maybe this isn't the last time I'll cry and protest when you need space. But I support your need for "Your Private Time" and promise to adjust my attitude. I just need time to learn new behaviors.

I'm very sorry. I hope you can forgive me.

It's DAMN HARD apologizing! I'm trying to keep my intentions as pure and sincere as possible. But in the back of my mind, I'm thinking of how he was also in the wrong.

This email is killing me. I think I did the right thing. But what if the bf decides it's not enough? Or he's gonna run with it, and make me "pay" for my crimes? Or, he takes 2 weeks to reply? What about all the times he hurt me, and I quickly let it go - don't I deserve the same? It seems really unfair that I have to be the bigger person.

Most of all, I'm really angry at myself for starting World War III. Now, instead of spending a happy New Years together, we're not talking to each other. But I didn't mean it, so why can't he be more understanding?

I know, I know - right now, I'm talking from a very un-evolved place. But right now, I feel so angry, resentment, hurt, and don't feel like being enlightened! I want the bf to come down from his high horse and realize he's not perfect, and say he's sorry too.

He is an a$$ for not being understanding of my situation. I even told him that the 1 yr anniversary of my fiancé's death is coming up. And I'm in a lot of pain over it. And the bf doesn't even consider it! And when I try to bring it up, he won't listen to me.

HE NEVER LISTENS TO ME!!!!! He only wants me around when I'm cheerful. When I'm sad (I'm only human, after all, with a lot of trauma in the past), he gets so angry at me. Why won't he listen to me, and hear that it's MY pain. It has nothing to do with him!

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Angela]

I'm sorry you're hurting right now, Uber. It sounds like "needy and depleted" is having its way with you.

When you're ready, here's wishing you the strength and resoluteness to be your possibility, the possibility I see you as: Giving and Passionate.

In the meanwhile I'm sending you lots and lots of love

Angela

[m18pak]

Uberinquistive, I think the problem might be simply that you and your bf are different types of people.

What I mean by this is that I get the feeling that you are a feelings sort of person who is very sensitive, while your boyfriend isn't and thus has difficulty relating to you and understanding your need for reassurance and emotional support.

It sounds like he is the sort of person who has trouble "stepping into the other person's shoes", which means he feels bewildered and threatened when you get upset and have an emotional outburst. You, on the other hand, take things too seriously, misconstruing his remarks and actions to make out like it's personal when it's not.

He is an a$$ for not being understanding of my situation. I even told him that the 1 yr anniversary of my fiancé's death is coming up. And I'm in a lot of pain over it. And the bf doesn't even consider it! And when I try to bring it up, he won't listen to me.

HE NEVER LISTENS TO ME!!!!! He only wants me around when I'm cheerful. When I'm sad (I'm only human, after all, with a lot of trauma in the past), he gets so angry at me. Why won't he listen to me, and hear that it's MY pain. It has nothing to do with him!

See, I think it's not so much that he doesn't listen to you as he doesn't hear you because he can't understand what you're trying to say.

I don't think he is being insensitive or cold-hearted in not considering your pain - I think he's just not the sort of person who considers that sort of thing.

Anyway, I apologize if I come across as a little flippant and you have every right to resent my armchair 'analysis' of you and your situation, but I've been reading a lot about MBTI Personality types recently, and you know what they say about when you learn a new word...

[uberinquisitive]

Thanks Angela.

Thanks m18pak. Your theory is super interesting, and your analysis is surprisingly accurate. I am starting to accept that the bf is incapable of true empathy, the same way I'm incapable of true detachment. I don't know if this means we have a good relationship or bad relationship.

[Amatrine]

My husband and I are extreme opposites. I am very outgoing, and he is very introverted . In fact we both took the personality test, and he was 95 percent introverted. He is ver quiet and closed. We had some marital problems when I discovered a wierd fettish of his on accident, and it shook my world.

In the end, I asked him to come see my physcologist. It was very informing.
I really understood how when I thought he was being insensative, for example when Im ill, he disapears. It turns out he feels helpess to help, and does not understand what I am feeling, so thinks he was doing the best by staying out of the way. He admited to being selfish about other things and not considering my feelings as well, and is now working on it. I also learned some of why he closes off, and a lot of it is fear.

Mabey instead of apologizing, talk to him and just let him know how the actions make you feel. You should not apologize for what you feel.
You may be surprised that he did not even consider how something made you feel. Also let him know what you said in the letter, that you do appreciate what he did for you, and that you are not attacking him, but just want to make communication stronger. This is what we do now, and really helps. We take one hour out of the week, to just talk to each other, let feelings be known about something that may have bothered us during the week. Things we may have not realized
that hurt the other peson, and discuss it, and it helps us both to learn more about each other.

Nothing wrong with being opposites. In fact we are each others strengh in areas we lack. He keeps me more down to earth, and I help him open himself to new possibilities.

[Rose of Cairo]

Hey uber,

I can't tell you anything smart, but you're doing great anyway. Let me just hug you: *huuuug*
I wish you a happy new year, and send you lots of love.

[Old Soul]

I'm very sorry. I hope you can forgive me.

The only coment I would like to make outside , of a wam gestured big hug ....((((hug)))) is that remember an apology is only an apology if you do not do the same thing again... An opology is a recognition that there was an offense on your part, but it also must be backed up with change...

I question if emotional blackmail can be vanished with one word?

what is your thoughts on that?...

BTW- I applaud your courage to come to the table and take responsibility for your role in the conflict!!! good for you

[dancer]

Hi Uber,

I'm sorry you are having a tough time.

Is it possible that your bf doesn't know how to deal with your past? You mentioned you told him that the anniversary of your fiancé's death is coming up, perhaps it is easier for him to not be around you during this time. Not everyone knows how to deal with things like this. It's not just hard for those grieving, but also for those in the peripheral. It might even be so simple that he wants to give you the space you need to grieve for your fiancé.

My heart is with you.

[dancer]

One more thought... Apologising is the easy part, but forgiveness is the toughest part. Have you forgiven yourself for your little fallout? I don't get that you have from your post. We can't force another to forgive us, but we can forgive ourselves.

Love

[uberinquisitive]

Thanks everyone!

On New Years Eve, I decided to swallow my ego, and call the bf to apologize. He called back and apologized, too. And then we spent New Years Eve and day together.

Lesson learned: apologize quickly, and move on with life.

[mlc82]

I'm a very introverted guy dating a very, very extroverted girl, and one thing she truly doesn't seem to grasp is that being around people, anyone at all, for too long makes me REALLY edgy and short tempered. I'm not shy at all, but I'm pretty quiet and generally despise small talk (Xmas to me is the holiday from Hell that I drink my way through- non-stop small talk parties for days on end ). One thing she truly doesn't seem to get is that, when I start getting like this (the edgy thing), and say something like "I'd really like to be left alone today", it DOES NOT mean I'm mad at her, or am personally attacking her, and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I DON'T WANT TO BE COMFORTED IN ANY WAY- Just leave me alone and let me recharge

I'm not sure if that really helps you with your questions, but this is likely how your BF is feeling after Xmas, and for me personally, after a day or two by myself, I can't wait to see my girl again.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

mlc, that's a really good point as well. There are some personality differences between me and my guy that tend to baffle each of us respectively. It's so hard to understand where someone else is coming from and just trust that yes, they love you they just don't want to be around you right now, when you are the opposite. We have these weird differences that just don't compute with each other, but we're learning (after almost 2 years!!!). So did you go to xmas or not?

uber, I am glad things got straightened out for you guys. I know from what you speak. It is really tough, but I think you are doing really well in the fact that you are looking for the answers and recongnizing your own responsibility. Everything gets easier from there. Good luck.

[mlc82]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

mlc, that's a really good point as well. There are some personality differences between me and my guy that tend to baffle each of us respectively. It's so hard to understand where someone else is coming from and just trust that yes, they love you they just don't want to be around you right now, when you are the opposite. We have these weird differences that just don't compute with each other, but we're learning (after almost 2 years!!!). So did you go to xmas or not?

uber, I am glad things got straightened out for you guys. I know from what you speak. It is really tough, but I think you are doing really well in the fact that you are looking for the answers and recongnizing your own responsibility. Everything gets easier from there. Good luck.

Oh of course I went, solely to not feel like I was leaving my immediate family, and my girlfriend, out to dry. I like get togethers for about 30 minutes, and then I'm ready to go I'm fairly convinced that most people genuinely dislike that holiday (except happy kids), but that I am one of the only ones out there who doesn't have a problem with being "that jerk who didn't show up", when no one else wants to either. I don't want to talk about football, who has the best job, how the weather has been, or which college is the best one (the usual Xmas party drivel). I'd rather be reading or writing or playing computer games. Needless to say, the big bottle of "Holiday Cheer" (Jack Daniels Whiskey, and I normally don't drink heavily at all) in my cabinet was completely drained by the last day of Xmas.

I've been the way I am since I was a kid, I'd love to have a friend over to stay the night on a friday, play during the day Saturday, and by Saturday night couldn't wait for them to go home so I could "get into" whatever I wanted to do. I really can zone out and concentrate and write or play a game or whatever (same thing when I'm working out as long as my headphones are on- no distractions ) when I'm by myself. If someone else is here, even in the other room, I just can't get into that "zone" anymore. I don't know why, but I can't.

On the gf feeling bad about someone she loves not wanting to see her (both you, and my own), I don't care how bad it sounds, I love her deeply but sometimes I want to be left alone and don't want to see her. I have one other close friend who's like this as well, and most of his relationships with girls have been tumultuous to say the least- he's also a lot "nicer" than me, and won't say these things outright, but tends to just explode eventually.

Sorry if I'm going way OT, but maybe Uber can read my rambling above and gain some insight into what goes on in the bf's head

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Oh, I understand completely about needing your own time. It's weird to me because I am the introverted one and he is the extroverted one. But at the same time I hardly ever get tired of being around him in particular, but sometimes I do. I have never told him to go away even when I wanted to be alone, so I let myself get hurt when he would imply or say it directly to me. But a while later I realized that when he goes off for his guy or alone time, I get my much needed break from the pain of dealing with people constantly and am actually much happier. And we both win. So I have tried to stop feeling like it's a big deal when he wants to do something other than with me. I like being alone! Why am I hurt?! It's actually an insecurity on my part not a meanness on his, like you say, the love is there, just not always in the way I want it to be. And I am sure it's vice versa for him. I know I am way OT too, but this whole personality thing seems to have a great deal to do with situations like uber described originally and facinates me. As I learn more and see other people's perspectives, I get more comfortable in my own relationship.

And wouldn't you know it, my bf actually decided to go to xmas with me even though he didn't really feel like it, but then I got REALLY sick on xmas day and couldn't get out of bed. He got to take care of me in the morning and go out with his friends in the afternoon. He was really happy about that ! Me, not so much .

[uberinquisitive]

This weekend, he and I had talked of spending time together. I had even planned a super-hot "French" lapdance, which he seemed excited about. However, he hasn't called or emailed in 3 days. So, I left a casual and brief email that I would do my own thing this weekend. I just didn't feel like doing the lapdance for him anymore.

He has yet to call me back.

I just check my google calendar - and he filled up his Saturday with his work (he's a sports journalist).

I understand this is a shorter work week, so he's very busy. And, I'm sure he spent every night boozing with his work colleagues, so he's super tired.

But I'm just not feeling it. I hate always having to be the bigger person, the understanding one. I mean, why do I have to understand that he's busy? Why can't he understand me and send me an email or call to let me know? I feel really ripped off and under appreciated.

And of course, if I tell him that it's not cool of him to just disappear for 3 days, then it'll turn into a big blow-out. It's not he'll be like, "hmm...Uber, you make a point."

I'm frustrated and unhappy. Thanks for listening.

[Rose of Cairo]

Hmmm...

Of course it's all your own issues, I think that's clear. Your own insecurities and so on.

However, it's a fact that you feel permanently bad in that relationship. Of course you feeling bad is because of your thoughts, not because of your boyfriend or because of the situation itself. Still, obviously you're not at the point where you can stop feeling bad, and stop thinking like you do about him.

So I'm asking myself if it wouldn't be better to leave him?

You can see your relationship as a great opportunity to grow and a hard core training. But maybe it would be more peaceful for you to work on yourself without such a constant hardship in your life? Staying in an unfulfilling relationship isn't healthy.

I don't know. When I was angry with my ex, of course I knew that my anger had everything to do with me and nothing with him - still, leaving him was a very good decision and I feel much better now. Doesn't mean that I can be lazy, I have to work on myself so that the next relationship won't have the same problems - but I can do so at my own pace and without the pressure of an immediate situation.

Sorry if I'm not that clear. It was just a thought. If you're so unhappy, why don't you just leave him?

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

If you're so unhappy, why don't you just leave him?

I ask myself this question all the time. Bottom line: I don't trust myself.

Most of my relationships have been co-dependent and damaging (married man, man who commits suicide, man constantly on drugs, gay but in-the-closet man...you get the idea). Hands down, this current relationship is the healthiest of my life.

I know a lot of woman would love to trade places with me. As an individual, the bf is masculine, fun, and emotionally available. He is a very well-adjusted man from a very happy family. He semi-spoils me with gifts. He flat out spoils me with compliments and open admiration. The sex is out-of-control amazing. Intellectually, we're a match made in heaven.

I feel emotionally disconnected from him. There is no soul connection. But I'm not sure if I'm confusing co-dependency for soul connection.

I keep reading that couples can build compatibility. That soul connection is not that important. So, I trust the "experts" and trudge on. I fantasize about leaving the bf for a man who really touches my heart - but even if I actually met this dream man, I'm not sure I'd trust myself enough to actually leave the bf.

If a guy treats me very well, shouldn't that be enough? But why isn't it enough for me? I compare my current bf with my suicided fiance. The fiance never treated me as well as the current bf. And yet, the fiance touched my heart and soul indelibly. The bf doesn't even come close.

[dancer]

Is it possible you have not let go of your fiance? I've been in a similar situation and it wasn't until I let go of the person who died, was I able to commit to another person. This happened to me a long time ago and I really can't remember how I did it.

I think a part of me was trying to get him back through other men and then once I had accepted that this was not possible, I saw men for who they were and was able to truly commit.

My guy is still in my heart, but it is a special place, which does not touch the love I have for others.

Love

[Angela]

Ubercore, is this the same fellow you were with when you invented for yourself the possibility of being Giving and Passionate? For awhile you felt empowered -- you were feeling 100% responsible for living a life you love, and granting him the freedom to live a life he loves.

But now you seem to be allowing "depleted and needy" to run roughshod over you again. You don't trust yourself, because part of you is saying, "this is not the loving, mutually beneficial relationship I want to be creating!" and part of you is saying, "shut up and be satisfied with the crumbs, you ungrateful wretch!" How could you trust yourself when such conflicting messages are playing?

Speculate: if you were to practice letting go of "I am depleted and needy" and practice being "I am giving and passionate" -- what difference do you think that might make in what's going on in your relationship? I wonder if you are thinking that "giving and passionate" are for other people only? In this case, it sounds to me like you are trying to be those things for others (him) but withholding being giving and passionate from yourself. Could that be where the lack of trust originates? This lack of balance? You are telling yourself one thing, but being quite another for yourself? Maybe it's time to make your own well-being your number 1 priority.

Forget about him for the moment -- what would it look like if you were being giving and passionate for your own self?

[Rose of Cairo]

Hmmm... maybe you're dependent on him and he's not on you, which pisses you off.

For me however it just sounds like you don't really love him. Are you in love with him?? It sounds more like "I should be grateful for having such a great guy, why don't I want him??"

You don't have to be grateful. Many women would want him, well let him for them Many people also would want a ferrari, and I don't care about them. So what? You don't have to take the first opportunity you get, that's a scarcity mindset. There are many-many other guys on this world who are just as great as he is, but whom you would additionally love!

[Chado2423]

Man, I tell you that you're apology is much better than the one I gave to my ex. But I can feel your pain. For me, it was a rough road apologizing to my ex too. I did it, and at first I expected her to forgive me instantly. So then I began to wonder what to do when a sincere apology is rejected. But I do like this apology. It's well thought out. It's obviously sincere. And I'd have forgiven you on the spot. But of course, other people may not have. I wish I had given my ex an apology like this! It's not that I wasn't sincere, but sometimes it's hard to adequately express what we feel in a way that is beneficial to both people. You never what works, because you never what will work with one person, might not work with next. Its the tragic story of being so drawn into ourselves, that we consider ourselves unable to open up.


I'm very sorry I didn't respect your boundaries. It was wrong of me to use tears and emotional blackmail to try to force you to change your mind. I really regret making you feel cornered. I was in the wrong, and my behavior was inexcusable. You were in the right to ask me to leave. I take 100% responsibility for being unreasonable.

I was exaggerating and being a brat when I said you don't make me feel important. You cut your business trip short to spend time with me. Most of your free time since Thanksgiving, you have spent with me. You've bought me beautiful pink roses, and a gorgeous black rose necklace. You've cooked great meals for me.

I'm not perfect, and maybe this isn't the last time I'll cry and protest when you need space. But I support your need for "Your Private Time" and promise to adjust my attitude. I just need time to learn new behaviors.

I'm very sorry. I hope you can forgive me.

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by Angela

Forget about him for the moment -- what would it look like if you were being giving and passionate for your own self?

I wouldn't feel afraid to leave. I would see the single life as a relief, like, "I finally have the time and mental space to do my stuff."

Originally Posted by dancer

Is it possible you have not let go of your fiance?

I think I haven't let go of the victim mentality. I use the "it's unfair for anyone to expect me to have my ♥♥♥♥♥ together...can't you see that I'm ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ because I'm a victim of his suicide?" To let this mentality go would mean that I have to be responsible for myself.

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

There are many-many other guys on this world who are just as great as he is, but whom you would additionally love!

Probably. But I feel like I would probably end up in another bad relationship. The bf is not my usual type, but came together because I just needed someone. And, in some ways, I feel so grateful that I wasn't my usual self or I would have never been interested. The bf is just so well-adjusted and All-American - sometimes, I feel like our experiences are so different that we have nothing in common.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

But I feel like I would probably end up in another bad relationship.

Is that really true, if you were being giving and passionate to yourself? (If you were being needy and depleted, yes, probably, right? )

So, time to choose your way of being! or let your way of being choose you.

[dancer]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

I think I haven't let go of the victim mentality. I use the "it's unfair for anyone to expect me to have my ♥♥♥♥♥ together...can't you see that I'm ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ because I'm a victim of his suicide?" To let this mentality go would mean that I have to be responsible for myself.

Interesting... Do you think your core belief is that you are ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ and can't get your **** together? This belief or related belief was there from the start and were a match with your fiance's beliefs? I am taking responsibility for my life and questioning why I have chosen tough things to happen in my life. I'm looking at my beliefs so this has prompted me to ask you these questions.

Thanks for your insight by the way. It applies to something in my life.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

To let this mentality go would mean that I have to be responsible for myself.

Uber, this is exactly the struggle I had and still deal with often. I think it's the crux of the issue here. There are times when you powerfully take responsibility for yourself and there are times when you abdicate your responsibility. As you practice living in each moment and taking responsibility the times when things go wonky like this are fewer and farther between. But it's not always easy! And like some have said, it might be easier for you considering the weight of everything that's happened to work on yourself from a single standpoint. You can do it from within the relationship, but I can tell you from experience it can be tough. It takes a good eye for recongnizing when you are in someone else's business and the discipline to return to your own. For me it's helped to be open about what I am trying to accomplish and ask for support.

Just because he's a good guy doesn't mean that you have to be with him. Additionally, you may be doing some of what I've struggled with thinking "what if this isn't right?" "what if I am making the wrong choice?" but I have found that I am in the relationship because I choose to be and if I feel it's not right I can always leave. Every day I stay is a choice and that has helped me stop complaining and wishing he would just do something to make it better already!

If you choose to stay with him then try to look at him as a great teacher who is pushing the very buttons that reveal the deepest work you need for yourself. Isn't he great at that?! He won't let you overlook the areas that are still sticky for you. You've already identified what's running you and where you'd like to make progress and those are precisely the areas where he does stuff that pinches you and makes you uncomfortable. I'd say you sure know how to pick 'em!

I am certain that being those qualities that you talked about before - giving and passionate - toward yourself first will yield the results you want. If I have a word of advice it's stop telling yourself you have to be so good to him and give, give, give and turn that energy to yourself. When you do that you have an abundance inside you from which to share. And things get really great from there.

Good luck!