why wont people open up and be intimate with me

[sonicpunk32]

i dont get this society. people dont like to share themselves with others cause they do not trust each other. not even those whom they would consider their closest friends. there's no intimacy. nobody shares sadness, nobody cares. they just put up a false front to everybody else and pretend everything is ok when it's not.

what is with them? why cant they just open up and share, and be intimate, and trust. i cant live in such a superficial world, there has got to be some people i can be intimate with. i cant take it anymore. it's not right. how the hell is it socially rude to express your sadness? does nobody care? I used to think that it was mature to not share your feelings, to be tough, to keep people at a distance (cause somehow it's stupid to trust people as no one can be trusted). Now i just find this stupid and immature.

the friends i have now, they dont talk about their feelings, they dont talk about their goals, they dont talk about their deeper thoughts. they just talk about superficial things. why is having an intimate friendship so wrong? why do they have this firm believe that love doesnt exist and that they cant trust anyone and that people are evil? am i the foolish one? am i foolish for believing in an intimate friendship with someone cause i just so happen to believe in love and sharing, huh? am i?! am i creating this cause i somehow dont care about myself? am i with the wrong people? i hate this superficial world? hate it. I've tried for a while to accept them as they are, but after a while the lack of intimacy just kept pinching at me no matter who i made friends with, now it irritates me. i want intimacy dammit, i want love. over and over again, i watch them as they lie to each other, hurt each other, join together and laugh at others misfortune, all while sharing this belief that love is stupid and sharing your personal thoughts makes you weak (a belief that gets validated *every* *SINGLE* time they hurt each other). i do this to myself all the time with them, i mean i know they have these fear based beliefs, yet i still yern for them to open up and share in love, and they never do it. i get disappointed each and everytime. what is wrong with me?

i dont want to hate people, but i find this way of being superficial, that society has, to be irritating and maybe just wrong. if i analyze myself, i guess this wouldnt bother me if i already had some friends whom are intimate with me about themselves, but i dont. now i know a predictable answer i might get for my problem would be "oh you're not being intimate with yourself, that is why you attract people who arent intimate with you" but jeez, i just dont get it, i thought i *was* intimate with myself and loved myself. gah.

[JimOfferman]

Dude,

Society at large is not as you describe. There are plenty of people who have close and honest friendships (just look around the forum for a few).

Stop being who you don't want to be. Find a new circle of friends that is better aligned with your values.

Might seem a little scary to do at first, but it is worth it in the long run.

[responsibility]

Girls usually do open up to each other, but not so much guys. I guess it comes down to the fear of being made fun of, or worrying about what other people think about them.

Of course this is only a selection of people. Look at the users on these forums, They all loving and caring . If your serious about finding more spiritual friends, I guess you could try visualizing yourself being around more conscious spiritual-like people. But you'd also have to stop feeling so frustrated at your current friend's attitudes.

[dave marshall]

Hi,

lots of people have this situation as they develop and both replies are right in my experience. Let the frustration go find a group that suites you. I would presume that all those on this forum have had to do the same to some degree?

being you, allowing yourself to be yourself will attract others like yourself but it is easier when you relax.

cheers

Dave

[Terumoto]

The situation isn't as bad as you describe it... I am male, and although decent people do seem rare, I have a friend that I can talk to about almost everything.

And it's only "almost" because I don't tell him some things, since they are things I would rather keep to myself and not share with anybody.

[sonicpunk32]

well, gee. i guess i should start looking for new friends. it's just i've been looking for so long, gah, i just had to rant. i dont know how to be superficial like them, its just not natural to me. i tried, but didnt work. when they'd say "hi how are you" i have to presumably type "oh i'm fine" any negative response would be socially unacceptable, gah.

i'm male, 21. well thanks for the replies, at least there's hope. i want friends where we can share anything and be happy to do so. i'll try to be myself and not be frustrated by them while still desiring more close friends.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

when they'd say "hi how are you" i have to presumably type "oh i'm fine" any negative response would be socially unacceptable, gah.

So, I'm wondering: what kind of negative response would you like to type? I cannot imagine that a "having a bit of a bad day" would be socially unacceptable in any circle.

[sonicpunk32]

well, JimOfferman, i could say that. but they wouldnt care to find out why or show any sympathy. and when i do say why, they say "oh" then they change the subject to something like "so anyway, i found this like weird coin on the ground..."

[ixmatus]

Dude, why would any friend be interested in the gritty details of why your day was a bad one? I sure wouldn't be interested in that, I would sooner give my buddy a swift kick in the balls and tell him to get out of his funk.

So here is my swift kick in the balls for you: go run, pump some iron, or wail on a heavy bag; get it out of your system, whatever it is that is making you grumpy, and go have some FUN.

People want to have fun, not talk about bad days, damnit!

(Small humility note here: there are times when I myself have needed a reminder too, particularly when it comes to girls - you aren't alone!)

[sonicpunk32]

ixmatus, no, pumping some iron does not make whatever i feel go away or get it out of my system like as if it's some bug on my shoulder. i have feelings.

i dont understand why people would ignore their feelings and pretend like they dont exist. i just cant do that. it's not natural for me. i'm not a robot.

[Angela]

Hey, sonicpunk, welcome to the forums!

You are mirroring, I think, but you would do well to look at yourself a bit deeper. It's not intimacy that is missing that would make a difference. Read your post as if you were a stranger and see the quality that is missing -- it's very easy for me to see, an outsider; it's always easier to see what others are up to, and much harder to see it in ourselves.

You are complaining that others lack the trust that is required for intimacy. But take a look at your original post. You have trust, alright -- trust that it's going to go wrong. Look at your post and your thoughts and how frequently your words reflect a deep and fervent attachment to disconnection. It's pretty amazing!

You ask why other people don't have the trust necessary to build a connection. It's not them; it's you. You are generating for yourself a world in which people are superficial, irritating, and wrong. You are looking for and finding validation for that point of view. People tend to find what they're looking for!

The good news is that if you're able to look boldly at what you're creating, then you're free to evaluate it and if it doesn't work in generating a life you love, you can try on a different way of being that might work better. You have gotten yourself into a downward spiral of negative thoughts about what other people "are" (I call that downward spiral the 'toilet bowl') and if you take 100% responsibility for creating a life you're in love with, you have all the power in the world to generate love, intimacy, trust, connection -- whatever you want to have. If you want to have something, BE it. Your habitual way of being is one that discourages intimacy, although you think you are encouraging it. You can get yourself on an upward spiral, if you take 100% responsibility.

Take a look. What do you think?

[sonicpunk32]

I was waiting for an answer like yours. Heh, good ol' you-create-it-all. Well, Angela, I've looked, I dont see it. Unless my subconscious was traumatized as an infant and forever cast people away. Actually I've been told this was the case by many of the psychics I've talked to. They all tell me to mediate and "go within." Well, I've tried that, and funny thing is, my subconscious doesnt want me to go "within." It's keeping me out! Can you believe this? Nothing I've tried has gotten my subconscious to open up to me. No one has been able to help. I'm my own worst enemy.

I dont understand this. How do you connect to your own innerself if it doesnt want you to? Yeah, I'm pretty sure of it now. My subconscious prevents me from entering elevated states of consciousness. So when I try to meditate, it blocks. Even my dreams are cut off and weak. I think it's protecting me from something that I'll see. So what's the result of all this? Fatigue from lack of a complete sleep, poor visualization and concentration skills from an inabiliy to reach those alpha brain states. The list just goes on and on. Weak intuitive and imaginative skills because my subconscious has turned off these parts of my brain. And for what.... protection from some horrible thing that happened to me when I was a baby? I'm my own worst enemy. It radiates a signal to everyone I come in contact with to stay away from me. This explains alot, about why the people in my life are this way, but what it doesnt explain is how to get my subconscious to open up again when it doesnt even want ME (the conscious mind) from contacting it.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

I was waiting for an answer like yours. Heh, good ol' you-create-it-all. Well, Angela, I've looked, I dont see it

Sonicpunk, can you see how a reaction like he one you made, above, is you creating disconnection between you and me?

The structure is:
1-- Expect and receive the undesirable ("I was waiting for an answer like yours")
2 -- Disdain/contempt ("Heh, good ol' you-create-it-all")
3 -- Rejection of responsibility ("I've looked, I don't see it")

That is you, generating disconnection for yourself, not to mention me. Can you see that you're doing that? I responded intimately to you, and you generated a way of being in reaction of being contemptuous and rejecting. My guess is that this way of being is all over your life.

You crave intimacy, and yet:

I dont understand this. How do you connect to your own innerself if it doesnt want you to?

If you want to get what you want, try generating it yourself. You have that power. And habitual ways of being don't give up easy -- it takes courage, boldness, and persistence to keep looking at what you're doing to prevent yourself from being free. Is being free something that would inspire you?

[sonicpunk32]

Angela, I didnt say your answer was undesirable. And I'm not rejecting the responsibility for it. I'm just simply frustrated that a huge part of my Self has refused to connect to the rest of me and I havent found a solution. If you reread my edited post, I'm sure anyone would be frustrated with this too. I mean you're assuming that all I have to do is become intimate to myself, but how do I do that when my inner self actively engages in preventing that, all because of some traumatic event that happened eons ago that is way beyond my conscious awareness. Do you see what I'm talking about? I'd probably need 10 years of therapy to get to the bottom of it. I hope not, though, cause I dont remember *anything* from the first 8 years of my life.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

but how do I do that when my inner self actively engages in preventing that

Sir, your inner self has one and only one master: YOU

How do you command your inner self? Learn to love yourself like you would love another. Better still, learn to love yourself more than you would love another.

You are in control.

all because of some traumatic event that happened eons ago that is way beyond my conscious awareness.

I seriously doubt that. I think that your 'traumatic event' is just an easy excuse for you to prevent yourself from taking long and hard looks at who you really are. Obviously this excuse is no longer working to your benefit, so let it go.

You don't need therapy. You don't need the frustration.

You do need to stop hiding behind excuses and start getting to know yourself.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Sir, your inner self has one and only one master: YOU.

That Jim, boy is he wise.

Sonic, you speak of your inner self as if it were a separate and willful entity that is at cross-purposes with your conscious self; it also sounds like you grant it more power than you do your conscious self. It's not hard to see that you're doing that externally, too -- you create others as separate entities who are at cross-purposes with you.

You are free to do that, of course. You're also free to generate a new way of being consciously that will inspire and move you.

Take a look at what you are being right now. Does that way of being inspire you?

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by Angela

Take a look at what you are being right now. Does that way of being inspire you?

No. Of course not.

[teatree]

The thing you have to realize is that you can't be intimate with everyone. There are degrees of intimacy. The only person who knows ALL my secrets is my spouse. Then comes my mother, and sister (and I confide different things to each). Then a few close friends.

And then you have other friends and acquaintances and the conversation with them is mostly gossip, work, social chit-chat about music and the like.

It sounds to me like what you need is a spouse/partner. It's a mistake to try and force intimacy (as in confiding, not the physical version) with mere friends - they'll find it odd and back away from you.

I used to feel lonely too before I met my husband, because when you are single you often feel alone in crowds of people having "fun". This is kinda why the goal of most people is to find "The One" and settle down with them.

[sonicpunk32]

Originally Posted by teatree

It sounds to me like what you need is a spouse/partner. It's a mistake to try and force intimacy (as in confiding, not the physical version) with mere friends - they'll find it odd and back away from you.

Yes. That is how I've always approached my friendships. And they *have* found it odd, and they have told me that nobody is ever that close. Yes, I do need a mate, very much so. I probably need to learn how to gossip and chit-chat too, cause all I've ever known how to do is talk about my deep thoughts, which nobody cared for. Well.. maybe not gossip, but other social talk like cars, news.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by teatree

It sounds to me like what you need is a spouse/partner. It's a mistake to try and force intimacy (as in confiding, not the physical version) with mere friends - they'll find it odd and back away from you.

I don't agree at all! I'm very intimate with my friends, we talk about just everything. A friend I can't talk about everything with is not a friend, in my book.

You're right that it's a mistake to force intimacy with them though. But the solution is not to accept shallow "friends", it's to attract another kind of people.

my 2 cts.

[sonicpunk32]

Rose of Cairo, all my friends are shallow. How exactly did you attract intimate friends? I didnt know you could have a choice to not accept shallow people, I thought I had to just deal with it and accept them. I want intimate friends. I was beginning to think it's not possible.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

Rose of Cairo, all my friends are shallow. How exactly did you attract intimate friends? I didnt know you could have a choice to not accept shallow people, I thought I had to just deal with it and accept them. I want intimate friends.

Hmmm.... good question... it just happens. We just start talking about things that matter. Isn't that much more interesting than cars and news?

You have the choice not to accept them. If they're not interesting, nobody forces you to talk to them. Just walk away

But I think when you're being intimate with others and with yourself, you'll automatically attract people who are intimate with you too.

I know that a few years ago, I was extremely shy and had no close connection to anyone. Then something happened and now I have the "only a few but very close" friendship model.

Give me a few minutes, I'll think about it and tell you what exactly happened, ok?

[Angela]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

No. Of course not.

What way of being would inspire you? What's missing for you that would make a difference if you were generating it?

A good way to figure out what that is is to look boldly at what you're being now, and see what it's costing you.

[sonicpunk32]

Alright, Rose of Cairo, I'll wait.

Well, Angela, all I know is that I am hating people for ignoring me, for not being close with me, and for me being unable to relate to them. And it's costing me in such a way that I get seperated more from them. I guess I should stop forcing people to be who they are not and just set my intentions to the universe and wait for the friends that I want to arive in due time. And accept that those I cant relate with werent meant for me.

[sadavis00]

1. Go on Facebook (or other social networking site).
2. Read people's "About me" section.
3. Find people who reveal some "depth" in their personality through what they write about themselves. (If it says something like "I'm cool sukasss!" you should probably STAY AWAY, then there are the strange cases, where they may seem deep, but they are simply "political", as opposed to being personally, emotionally deep, which is what we want).

So, basically, stalk people. I've personally never approached a total stranger after looking at their profile, but I have deepened a few existing relationships. I think you need to deepen relationships based on the interests of the other person. So if a person likes to read a certain book, and they reveal this in their profile, then go read that book, and then bring it up when you talk to them. While talking about the book's characters, the person may reveal something personally meaningful about themselves. Most people do think about themselves, but they may not be ready to think in terms of "I", "I think love is ...", they would rather sympathize with some character on a T.V show or in a book. If you straight away start to stuff in a dreamy tone "Oh verily, what is love?", they are not going to reveal anything, but in some kind of context, they may open up.

I'm at little naive when it comes to human relationships, I have only a few friends, and I'm somewhat of a loner. So, take all this with a grain of salt.

[Rose of Cairo]

At that time there was no wall between me and the others, it was more a wall within myself. I didn't know myself very well, and I wasn't in touch with my own feelings. I was a very intellectual superstudent who didn't allow much feelings. Like you I also saw others and society in a quite negative way and I was more judging them than seeing them with humanity.

Then what happened is that I had a total breakdown, I got very sick. I would suddenly fall on the floor shivering like crazy, I had hallucinations and dreadful depressions. I gained 30 kg in one single year and cut my hair very short as a sign of desperation. I couldn't study anymore, had to break off my holy studies. I spent a few weeks in a psychiatric clinic, where I was almost raped and then released. I almost killed myself after that. In the end I couldn't even get up anymore.

You can imagine how such a situation destroyed the huge PRIDE I had before all that That's what saved me, really. It forced me to change. I got in touch with my feelings: I had no choice, they just overwhelmed me. When I was walking on the streets, obese, depressive and ugly, and someone smiled at me, or a dog was friendly to me... I was so happy. I learned to talk to others with my heart. When you have nothing to lose, fear and pride are irrelevant. And that's how I began building intimate relationships

I don't know if my story can help you. It's no valuable how-to, since it's more something that just happened to me. I was very, very lucky. I guess you'll find another way to get there though.

I know you won't like it, but I think you should indeed intimately get in touch with yourself first, then you'll naturally attract people to be intimate with. And you could change your mindset about "society" and others being shallow too. You know that you'll see what you expect to see...

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by sonicpunk32

all I know is that I am hating people for ignoring me, for not being close with me, and for me being unable to relate to them.

What you're saying is "You are not ok! You are wrong (for ignoring me and not being close to me). You should be different"

Taking 100% responsibility would be: "I'm attracting people into my life I can't be close with. Why is that? What could I change with my thoughts in order to attract close friends?"

Blaming others won't bring you any step further. Why do you give them so much power over your life? You're not forced to feel bad because others are not like you want them to be.

I get a feeling that you feel powerless, as if you think you can't have the friends and the kind of relationships you deliberately choose to have. You give that power to them. But they don't have it, you do.

[sonicpunk32]

You're right, Rose of Cairo. I do feel powerless.

[Rose of Cairo]

Well, you are. You are because you chose to give the power over how you feel away to them. Take that power back, it belongs to you. Only you can decide how you feel.

Have you read Ask and it is Given?

[sonicpunk32]

No, I havent read that. But I have seen The Secret and read some Law of Attraction sites. Is that similar?