Powerless

[charlie1]

Hi, my name is Charlie. (im 15, but don't make a huge deal about that)
Well this is about my girlfriend Jessica (the love of my life)
I am addicted to her, and yes its obvious.
Okay, we have been dating about five months now, and this is my first serious relationship. Shes been in a few, gotten her heart broken and broken others. But she loves me.
After a few weeks after we started dating, i started to change and worry about her constantly. I would always get these feelings that she likes someone else or something like that, and the feelings turned me into what i consider a baby.
When i got the feelings i would get all worried and tell her how i felt and what i thought, and she would tell me thats not true ect ect. and it would cheer me up. But it would also hurt her when i told her about them because she didnt like me thinking things like that.
As time passed i started to get better about it and tried to stay calm, but yes, i would get another feeling like that every once in a while, just because sometimes it seemed like she didnt care or she didnt love me.
And she hated when i thought that.

I guesse after reading that, your wondering why she loves me. Well thats because I help her with her problems and am there for her and she used to say theres no other guy like me and that she loved that abouit me.

Well, I guesse i get so worried because I know i can't lose her because i know shes the one, and if she ever leaves me, i tell myself i would never move on.
I want us to be together forever, and she says she does too (well she doesnt say that as much as she used to) (i know we're only 15, but love over age is what i say.)
She also used to say to me, "never leave me." but she doesn't anymore because i guesse she figured out i never will.
We live in different towns. About 20 minutes apart from each other. And her parents wouldn't let her date at first, so i would have to get my parents to bring me to her schools football games just to see her. Then i met her parents and they let her date me now, so i go to her house and she comes to mine and im loving it.

Theres so many more things to say but im just going to go ahead and get to the problem.
Well theres a guy. His name is James. He and jessica used to like each other alot, (before i knew her) but they knew they couldnt be together because they lived 2 hours apart, and wouilid never be able to see each other.
And before we started dating, she told me about him and everything, then we started dating and i forgot all about him. But a few weeks ago i found out that she texts him. (and she expects me to believe they are just friends and she has no feelings for him.) So i tried to ignore the fact that they text.
Then one night we were talking on the phone, and she was texting him on a different phone and telling me funny stuff he was saying. ( i hated that because she was on the phone with me and texting him at the same time.) but i kept my mouth shut and didnt say anything.
About a week ago, i told her i dont like him. She was like why?!! and was getting all upset, and i was like why does it matter if dont like him. And she said because i care about him because hes like my best friend!
That got my a little upset, and later that say i said, "you text him all the time!" and she replied, "I just started texting him all the time." So i say to myself, whats that suppose to mean?" and i ask her, and she was like, "I dunno" Then i got the idea that she liked him and i told her i thought that and she was like No!, we're just friends. And i was acting like i believed her, and we quit talking about it.
But tonight we were texting each other and she randomly stopped texting me, and i was like hello?? and about 30 minutes later she, "sorry im on the phone." And i say, :/ with who?
And she says, "James! Y?"
(and at that moment i just got a horrible feeling, my heart was pounding and my blood was just rushing through my body, and i felt that she like him and didnt care what i thought about it)
So i replied, O my god.. And she was like what? and i said o my god again and she was like what?!!. And i said, "James....."
and she said "what about him?" And i said, Your talking on the phone with him!! dont act clueless."
And she was like, yeah, so, hes just a friend.
(No i didnt believe that at all).
And at that moment, I felt so powerless. I was making such a big deal out of it, and whinning and acting all dramatic. And she was like hes just a friend, get over it!!


and no i didnt believe her at ALL. And i still dont (it was only a few hours ago)
Ok, i've never even spoken to this guy, but he and my girlfriend talk on the phone together?
I hate this!!

And yeah, she gets mad at me when i act all dramatic.
It feels like she doesnt care at all how i feel anymore.
Its just that she is the only thing that matters to me, but theres so much more things that matter to her. And it seems like she'd be fine without me...
But i would be destroyed. (it feels like shes the man in this relationship, because shes just SO independant) ugh

I need advice, about her and this guy, and all of this.
I know my grammer isnt good, but im just saying how i feel...

[hollenes]

First of all, know that if you were to break up with her, life goes on and you are still very young and would find someone else. Trust me.

Second of all, the feelings you feel for her are natural. It is easy to be jealous when she even thinks about another guy. If you are truly worried about it, I'd sit her down and have a serious conversation with her about him, and get the truth. If you want my opinion, I'd say she is telling the truth. If she did like him and everything, she would probably keep it a secret. I've seen this situation before, and in most cases, the girl sees the guy as a friend and the guy wants something more. This is a pure guess, however. James and her may truly just be friends. But I'd first and foremost just have a serious talk to her about it, in person.

And also, jealousy is a bad bad thing to have. If you truly love her then you musn't be so jealous. I know it can be really hard, but it is something you must overcome.

I may not be the greatest advice giver, but I do want to help. My e-mail is jesoneric@hotmail.com if you ever want to talk to me about it.

[JimOfferman]

You're being stupid and being stupid is how you loose her.

You reap what you sow.

So if you sow a lot of mistrust in your relationship, that is what you'll get.

If you sow trust, on the other hand, by accepting that she has and always will have male friends who are just friends and by not doubting her when she says she only loves you... then you might just find yourself ending up with one of those LLMBRs that Angela raves about all the time.

It's up to you!

[Rose of Cairo]

Wow Jim, you're being hard with him! He's not stupid. Just insecure.

Hello Charlie, welcome to this forum

Probably this James is really just a friend for her. But that doesn't matter. It's not about James, and not about Jessica, it's about you.

That she's the only thing that matters to you is a very bad situation. That makes you dependent on her. Girls feel that and don't like it It's fine that she has other friends and that other things matter to her. That doesn't mean that you're not important to her. You should have other things that matter to you too. Don't you have any hobbies, friends, or other interests?

You should learn to trust her. I had a boyfriend once, I loved him very very much. But I left him, because he was very jealous. It's impossible to live in peace with someone who has doubts about your love or who is constantly afraid that you could love someone else. I can understand that she hates it when you say such things.

I guess the reason why you feel addicted to her is that you don't love yourself enough. What you don't get from yourself, you need her to give it to you. That's not healthy. The good news is that you can change that!

Don't judge yourself so much. You're not a baby or a whimp for feeling like you do. That's perfectly ok. You're just insecure inside. I think a good solution would be to learn how to love yourself more. Concentrate on yourself and on your life. Be nice and caring to yourself. Think good things about yourself, things that make you feel happy. Do things that make you feel proud of yourself. She'll admire you too

[dancer]

Charlie the type of love you are describing here is a suffocating one. Be brave and overcome your jealousy before it overtakes you and destroys the relationship you are fighting to keep. Your enemy is not James - it is your own insecurity. And this is great because you have control over your own emotions.

BTW you have no control over your girlfriend. She is free to choose whom she texts, talks with and shares her time with. How would you feel if James was a girl? I assume it would no longer be a problem. Does loving you mean she has to cut off all others and things in her life? Is this reasonable? Has she given you signs to mistrust her? It sounds like she is honest. Loving and caring about you does not mean her giving up her friendships, dreams, needs, values, etc. and this is what it seems you expect her to do? Give this some thought...

[dancer]

One more thought, Charlie. You are not powerless in this situation, infact, you have all the power to overcome it because it is a product of your own making.

[Terumoto]

I've been in that situation before. It sucks. There is a vague line between being jealous and having common sense.

My girlfriend had a similar friend, his name was Tom, she would text him and talk to him on the phone sometimes. I knew him before, and from the very beginning I kept telling her, "Look, I think he likes you, and he doesn't care that you're in a relationship." Well, obviously, she denied it, saying all the great stuff girls love to say: "Nooo, he's just a friend. I just like him as a friend, he doesn't really like me, he's better than that."

What can we do? Just trust your girlfriend and ride it out. See what happens, but don't get too hung up on it because life goes on. In your situation, the possible outcomes I can think of are:

1. She doesn't like him, he doesn't like her. They remain friends. (personally, I doubt this one is very likely)
2. He likes her, she doesn't like him. She sees that he does like him and either does nothing, talks to him less, or stops contacting him.
3. He likes her, she likes him. She will eventually leave you at the appropriate time, and is stringing you along because she can't be with the guy that she really likes.

Whatever it may be, you shouldn't make a big deal about it. Even if it's the terrible third option, life goes on. In my situation, my girlfriend really was naive enough to trust that he didn't like her, and then one time when they went to lunch and a movie as "friends," he made a move on her. She didn't tell me about that until like a year later, but she did suddenly change her mind and believe that he liked her. She stopped talking to him after that.

Another time, she met a guy from America at university (we live in Australia). From the get-go, I had a feeling that she liked him. I just told her, "I think you like that guy," and she would go on these huge rants about how she doesn't like him but she's "interested" in him, and a whole lot of other stuff. Well I eventually got the truth out of her after making a proposal of what I thought her feelings for him were. She did like him, but she barely saw him and he was going back to America soon.

Not the most wonderful thing to deal with, as her boyfriend, but that kind of stuff is normal. I'm glad she told me about it, because in a lot of relationships people hide those feelings. What she felt for that guy, whom she barely knew, was a bit of shallow attraction, a crush. I've been attracted to other girls while in the relationship with my girlfriend as well. People are animals, it's hard for them to control those feelings. But people are also logical, and in my girlfriend's case, her long-term relationship with her loving boyfriend was more important to her than her instinctual attractions.

Anyway, If your girlfriend does like this other guy, and is just waiting until she can be with him, why should that ruin your life? Why should you be depressed?

If anything, that makes it blatantly obvious that she is not the love of your life. The love of your life wouldn't do a thing like that.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

He's not stupid.

I didn't say he was stupid. I said he was being stupid, which is something else entirely! First of all, you don't have to be dumb to be acting stupid. It is also a less permanent state of being: you can stop being stupid at any time! Awesome!

I rather felt that our new friend Charlie here needed to hear the un-sugar-coated truth: that he best not let his insecurity or jealousy or whatever you want to call it (I prefer 'being stupid') ruin his relationship with Jessica.

'cause that would be stupid!

[jaamkie]

Hey, welcome,

I do understand where you're coming from, sometimes I guess it can be hard not to feel insecure even with no solid reason to doubt your lover. One of the guys I'm dating now is a bit jealous, wants me to be with just him, and I'm not- yet; I appreciate the way he's handled his emotions- he doesn't deny them and pretend to not care when he does care, but he also has held back from acting jealous and upset with me- he owns his emotions and takes responsibility for them, lets me know how he feels- once- and sometimes is a bit quiet/sad, but doesn't overly question me or tell me what to do or talk about it constantly either. If you don't like her constantly texting with other people when she's interacting with you just because you want her full attention I can understand that- and if you feel certain actions are inappropriate you can calmly tell her how you feel and ask if she would not do certain things... but own your emotions and don't be accusatory or controlling- that's really where the problems start, not with a bit of normal insecurity, but in allowing the insecurity to influence you to treat her badly or push her away. Good luck with everything!

[charlie1]

Thanks everyone, your all a very big help and you helped open my eyes a bit.

[charlie1]

Originally Posted by hollenes

First of all, know that if you were to break up with her, life goes on and you are still very young and would find someone else. Trust me.

Second of all, the feelings you feel for her are natural. It is easy to be jealous when she even thinks about another guy. If you are truly worried about it, I'd sit her down and have a serious conversation with her about him, and get the truth. If you want my opinion, I'd say she is telling the truth. If she did like him and everything, she would probably keep it a secret. I've seen this situation before, and in most cases, the girl sees the guy as a friend and the guy wants something more. This is a pure guess, however. James and her may truly just be friends. But I'd first and foremost just have a serious talk to her about it, in person.

And also, jealousy is a bad bad thing to have. If you truly love her then you musn't be so jealous. I know it can be really hard, but it is something you must overcome.

I may not be the greatest advice giver, but I do want to help. My e-mail is jesoneric@hotmail.com if you ever want to talk to me about it.

Hollenes, Im doing what you said and am having a talk with her about him.
I told her to be completely honest and asked her if he likes her, and if she has any feelings for him. She said she doesnt know if he likes her, and that the doesn't have any feelings for him. So I said well lets act like he does like you, and i asked her how she felt about it. She said she doesnt care. And that he cant controll his feelings for her. So i told her she needs to talk to him and explain she doesnt feel the same way about him. She then told me to calm down, and i said i'm very calm (because i am) and all she is saying is that she or he cant control his feelings for her. So i say, well i dont know if he wants to be more than friends with you, but it seems like he does. and she said .....ok.
Well thats where we are right now.
O and i also found out that they have been calling each other and talking on the phone for a few weeks. Not just once, And she didnt tell me this, her friend did.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by charlie1

So i told her she needs to talk to him and explain she doesnt feel the same way about him.

Charlie, you told her what she has to do. Seriously, that's very bad. You're not creating freedom for her in that relationship. You're being controlling, demanding and jealous. That's one of the least attractive ways you can possibly behave in the eyes of a woman.

She does NOT need to talk to him and explain anything. It's perfectly her right to talk to any other man as much as she wants, even to any other man who is interested in her. So what? She has nothing to do with his feelings for her. You have no right to interfere that much with her life. And, besides, if she's really into you, she won't go with him, no matter how much he loves her.

I guess you think your behaviour is normal because you love her and have a relationship with her. But it is not healthy. That you have a relationship doesn't give you the right to be that demanding, nor to control her life. You can't control her, she's free to do whatever she wants. If you love her, you'll grant her that freedom.

What you are doing is not love, it's insecurity. It's just your fear to lose her. Let her live like she wants already, and forget about that James guy. Don't let fear rule you, or you'll get what you're afraid of: you're going to get dumped. Seriously, if I had a boyfriend telling me what I have to do or what I mustn't do with another man, I'd show him the door.

It's not pleasant to be around someone who's nagging, fearful and controlling. Of course she has a lot more fun spending her time with him. That's the point. Become a guy who's fun to be around. Again, concentrate on yourself and your life. Make something really nice out of both. Develop yourself, pursue hobbies, create a life that's fulfilling and happy for you. You'll attract more girls than you can handle, I swear

You're not powerless. You're very powerful. Your power is your thoughts. Think differently about all that and it will change.

I wish you to be happy

[jaamkie]

Originally Posted by charlie1

O and i also found out that they have been calling each other and talking on the phone for a few weeks. Not just once, And she didnt tell me this, her friend did.

just wanted to respond to the bit about finding out that they've been talking more without your knowledge- don't let that upset you any more than you already are! Probably she realizes that the relationship bothers you, so she's probably trying to not make it a bigger deal than it already is- for totally innocent reasons just to avoid more fighting; if you were less accusatory/controlling/oversensitive about it she might be more likely to be more honest... not to say what she's doing is the best course of action (recently learned this myself), but you can't control her so I'm speaking to your side of the situation... which is that you are only going to push her away by being controlling, and really maybe you just don't love her enough so that's ok... if you really really loved her you'd be more concerned with her long-term hapiness than with your own temporarily hurt feelings and you'd be willing to let her go if that's what she really wanted and you wouldn't worry and overanalyze every other friendship she has