My path to introversion.

[MyBrainHurts]

Break out the coffee and donuts. I have too much time on my hands.
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Since I started studying psychology as a means to help me understand myself I have learned quite abit about my self. And even looked at some of my past choices differently.

When I was younger I didn't have that much of an introverted personality in fact it was quite the opposite. It all started when I fell in love with my sweet 16 ;p,
I had a pretty bad homelife at the time and was full of anger and hatred for the world. And one day this girl starts flirting with me from behind me in a video/acting class out of no where. At first I was annoyed and she just kept on bugging me until I payed some attention to her. Eventually we fell in love with each other. When I looked into her eyes all of the hatred I had stored up vanished and all there was my love for her. She became my everything, I looked forward to getting up in the morning just because I knew she would be there.

Anyway how it all came to and end may be a combination of many things on my part.

A friend of ours died from meningitis that we had known since 1st grade or so and she was devastated by it. (I actually drink from her drink the day before she was hospitalized and had to be tested, god smiled on me that day).

Anyway I didn't know how to react, my reaction was well to do nothing to control my feelings and not display any emotion. I guess I did that because of the crowed of people I was hanging out with at the time. The point is that I was not there to comfort and support here when she needed me the most I locked my self and emotions into a cage.

inevitably she grew apart from me because of my own actions. At the time I didn't realize just how many mistakes I was making. Because I wasn't there she started smoking marijuana. It saddened me to see that because she was the beautiful one in my eyes and I was the one with the problems and she was innocent.

When we broke up, it I was devastated I actually fainted from the emotional pain. She was very mean also and said some very bad things that I just could not believe she was even capable of. She had changed as a person and I think that part of it was because of me.

I don't know if I had a breakdown or not but after that night my personality and mental state was severely altered. I began to question myself, my every thought and emotion. I lost confidence in myself. I began to critically analyze myself and every concept I've ever learned. I think back then my goal was to try to become a better person, the person I should have been in the first place. But I lacked the wisdom to accomplish this on my own. This is when I started building the cage around my mind and living within my own thoughts. I trained my mind to think analytically, and after years of practice and over time my personality became more introverted. "The bars got thicker" in a sense.

I feared that overwhelming emotional pain more than anything it was worse than the abuse I faced at home. The very site of her brought me to tears and I had a hard time controlling my emotions and not displaying them. I felt safe within my own mind away from other people. And when I reached that point mentally who I was before was pretty much lost, my personality did a complete 180.

Now I'm beginning to get back who I was before all of that happened and I'm retaining my analytical thinking. It took me a long time to realize that something was wrong with me because I felt comfortable where I was.

For me the key to my cage was an understanding of who I am and who I was and how I got to where I am. It took me many years to see the big picture.

overall all of this has made me a better person, a person who wants to be a better person and finally has the confidence in himself to make it a reality. I'm
glad that Ive reached this point while I'm still young.

Thanks for reading! And pardon me can you spare a donut I'm hungry.

[Terumoto]

Good on you, that's a great revelation to have experienced.

And hey, your trigger: fear, is one better than my original trigger: selfishness. lol.

[Love]

It sounds like you are making quite a journey. It seems like you have been here and there, but now you're reflecting on the experience and putting together what it means for you. You sound quite happy now, and I'm glad of it.
Cheer,
Love