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12-26-2007, 04:10 AM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 119
 |  How to stop your heart from hurting when you found out he lied.
i was with a man for quite some time. oh and before i write a whole thing, please do not be rude and tease me on my grammar, sentence structure, or whatever...gimme a chance please and just read. I hope I write clearly enough (happened to me before on another forum site..) anyway i was with this guy who is 14yrs older than me, im in my early twenties. when i met him, it was by accident basically. i was working at a strip club and he was one of the men in there. but instead of trying to give me dances he was trying to get my number and try and go out with me outside of the club. he was defintely not my type, older, kinda has a belly, not really that attractive in my eyes. but anyway he kept talking and talking and finally i just gave him my number in hopes that he would come back to the club to give me dances and $$$$. but he never did, i think once while i was dancing at that club. but a year passes, he has my number, and he was always calling me and text messaging me to go out with him or do something. but i kept denying him or ignoring his calls, for a whole year. then after the year of calling, he text message me saying he had weed to sale. at the time i had just broken up with a boyfriend i had been with for a year and half (plus got into debt cause of him, got a motorcycle in my name for him since his credit was bad, i thought we were going to get married, i thought he was IT, but he wasn't, of course...). i was devastated and very depressed, so i took up smoking weed to ease my feelings and hoping i wouldn't have to think about it. going back to the other man tho. i'll call him "R". so anyway "R" texts me saying he has some to sell and that particular day all of my connections were not getting back to me. so i gave in, called him and asked if i could pick up some... anyway i go out there get it, and he begs me to go out with him just once and give him a chance. since i was alone and isolated myself in my apartment, i gave in and said ok. its just gonna be once, right? we started hanging out and he's a nice person...we never became exclusive because i never wanted that from him plus he told me he was "kinda married" to this asian woman to help her get a greencard. i dont know what to believe now that i write this. anyway we ended up being together for a year and a half, i tried to stop talking to him for many reasons. he always wanted to have 3somes and do things i wasn't really for. i mean i said i liked women and wanted to try a 3some. but after being with him, that phase or me wanting that is over and done, im disgusted by the thought. anyway all of that. i was also living with my parents house and wanted to move out because they are my grandparents and were always strict about me being at home and coming home late, but im over twenty one. i was so frustrated and just wanted to get out. so "R" tells me his friend is trying to sell his house but since the market is so bad, he will be renting out the rooms, did i want to move in? at first i hesitated cause i knew if i got into that with him i was really going to be stuck. but i wanted to get out so bad, so i choose to do it. it was very dramatic the leaving from my grandparents to their, but i wanted freedom and to do my own thing. but it was the worst experience of my life. while i was there i started to do things i wouldn't ever do, such as doing ecstasy alot and getting money in a not good way. but i was still stuck to him. i tried to leave at least 5times. i would find out about other women, read messages online he sent to women. and i just found out yesterday while out with my girlfriend that his asian wife is pregnant and that he has been talking bad about me the whole time, saying that "i know my place" and "his wife is the only person that can hold it down". i was so shocked and devastated. i was so upset i just got really drunk and passed on out. but i left the house this morning and went back home with my grandparents i had not seen in months. i still feel so lost. so heartbroken. so betrayed. i want him to get his for doing so much to me. but i know that is not the right way. how can i properly just move on? how can i not think about him again? how can i stop the urge to think or contact him when i just want to express how i feel and see what he has to say? how do you just let go of someone you loved and thought loved you back? and do you think he really did love me? he did try to help me but then he contradict it by doing all those negative things. is it my fault? please write me. i hope you can help me. young, sad, and confused... i want to be happy and confident i want to feel like a good person |
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12-26-2007, 04:40 AM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 165
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Well, this guy doesn't exactly sound like the pick of the litter. You did meet him at a strip club, what did you expect? He told you he had a wife, what kind of person did you think he was? In my opinion, the absolute best thing for you to do would be forgive him. You don't have to talk to him and tell him you are forgiving him for hurting you so much, just in your mind truly forgive him and move on. Never speak to him again. I don't think he ever truly loved you, but none of this is your fault. |
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12-26-2007, 04:55 AM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 119
| did i manifest this?
did i bring this onto myself? why do i keep meeting bad men over and over. i wasn't even exclusive or "in a relationship" with him. but i still got burned and hurt. what happened to me? how did i become one of the statistics...oh and to add to the story...after my friend told me his wife is pregnant, she texts him and tells him "thx for letting me give a great xmas gift to my friend". and he goes to the bar we were at and all denying it. but he was so angry and upset and yelling. she kept telling him that he was lying and that he did tell her plus showed naked pics of me and other women to hear and tried to get her to have a 3some with us...he pours my white russian alcoholic drink on her head!?!??! i was frozen. it was like i was in another dream but i had entered a nightmare. is this really happening to me in real life?? then he pulls me by my jacket and pushes me out the bar and tells me to come on. i was so weak, so lost, so not wanting to go back home to my parents to deal with them and their strictness. but my friend (shes not my friend friend, but i know her and she invited me yesterday out, i thought i was going to be alone on xmas and jus stay home). she yelled "are u really gonna leave with a guy like that!!". she kept saying it. and at first i was saying "i have no where else to go, i dont have anyone else, i cut all my friends and family off...". then it clicked in my mind, dont go with him. i said to him "u pour a drink on a woman, who does that?? ur 36yrs old and married with kids". i left with her. but jus why did this happen. but also answer my question before this post. how do u stop the hurt? how do u get rid of the person or stop yourself from contacting or thinking about the person? i understand u should forgive like termutoto (sorry i spelled that totally wrong but i dont feel like going back and looking) says. but how exactly do u do this? im finally going to have the opportunity to get back on a positive good track. my grandparents found out about me dancing. although they were not happy, they said they still loved me and never want me doing that type of thing again, especially when i never had to in the first place. i just wanted to gain some responsibility and get my own money and pay off my bills and fix everything myself. but i see that family is what i need. just please give me some advice. be sure to read both of my postings so it all makes sense. thank you all good nice ppl. thank u last person who jus replied to me first. im going to try to forgive and move on. but how though? how can i just move on and just live my life for me again. |
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12-26-2007, 05:03 AM
| #4 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 30
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You should make some friends that are in a position to help you, I know that may be hard given your current situation. You just need to meet the right guy ;P. Us sweet and loving guys are far and few but we exist, most of us are usually a little shy and need a push, in fact were attracted to a girl that gives is the little push that we need to fall in love ;p. Quote:
It sounds like you need a fresh start in life. | |
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12-26-2007, 05:08 AM
| #5 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 165
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He really doesn't sound like a very good person. -_- The hurt will stop if you forgive him and move on. Unfortunate things happen, and you're suffering because your mind is stuck in the past; stuck on all of the terrible things that have happened to you. You just have to come back into the present moment. Don't let your past drive you and choose your direction, you make your future right now, in the present. I think your grandparents just want to help you, you should try and get yourself on the right track. There's other ways to be independent, you don't need to be a dancer. And about how to forgive him and how to move on and live for yourself again... You must realize that the question you're asking is a distraction. It's like coming onto this forum and asking us "how do I walk through a door?" Well, you walk through the door. You are the only one that can do it, asking us how is just distracting you from getting up and walking through the door. How do you forgive him? Forgive him, that's how. Perhaps you should think about what's stopping you from forgiving him and moving on with your life? |
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12-26-2007, 05:08 AM
| #6 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 30
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12-26-2007, 05:11 AM
| #7 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 165
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12-26-2007, 05:20 AM
| #8 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 30
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I get the feeling this guy is the kind that just wont leave you alone? Because if he did leave you alone you would need to be posting here ? it seems like an ongoing thing. And, if she has told here friends this and they arent making an effort to help her than that says something about them too, perhaps making new friends in a new place away from her current situation would make it easier on her. Not all of us are so tough that we can take on all of our problems at once. Getting a fresh start allows you some breathing room to deal with your issues when you choose too so that you are able to function better and be happier. I know I was depressed before I moved and didn't even realize it, I used to wake up and go back to sleep and wish I didn't have to wake up and go thorugh the day. Now I wake up and look forward too whats going to happen. The new people im going to meet, what im going to accomplish.. How can I make myself a better person. One step at a time, I don't have to focus on a wide range of emotional,environmental or social problems. I can focus on enjoying life and what the next day is going to bring. | |
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12-26-2007, 05:41 AM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 119
| done it before...
i have isolated myself once before. where i just left i was isolated. i just had him. then he met this girl offline so she can be a third and have threesomes and stuff. and he suddenly had her move on in. i was even more isolated and felt alone. the girl tried to be my friend but i was so sad and disappointed...i just want to work things out with my grandparents and just stay here. and i dont want to go back to dancing again, so im going to have to stay here. cause i have no credit, and no job. only other place i can go is back to him and that place... i just want to stop thinking about all the bad days me and that man had together, all the mean names he called me like a ♥♥♥♥♥ and raggedy and im mental everytime i tried to speak up. altho i tried to love him i couldn't fully cause i always felt in my heart he was hiding or lying. i just want to move on and make sure i dont talk to him again. im going to change my number in the morning. i dont care if he destroys my things at that house. i dont have much there anyway and they are just things, i can always get more things. but i just want to move on, stop the hurt, and just forgive... i was thinkin about whats making me stop from forgiving. there are so many reasons. how do i stop my mind from wandering on all the past negatives when i need to stop and just forgive and think in the present... |
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12-26-2007, 06:53 AM
| #11 (permalink) | ||
| Member Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 30
|  Quote:
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I can go on and on and even tell you my life story but I'm not sure it would be appropriate in this forum. All I can say is that it took me many years to realize what I had done to myself by building cages and isolating myself from others. When you meet a sweet and loving and caring guy who loves you for who you are and just wants to please you. Your thoughts of this other guy will fade away because he will become your world and there wont be a need to think about the past. But the key I think is the way you go about doing it, if you dont want to find a dirt bag you have to be patient, and learn about each guy you meet.. Date them for a while and get to know them past and present. Right now you can say I isolated myself from everything else by moving away and getting a fresh start, Perhaps this is true but you know what, I've isolated my self into a happy moment. And because im happy I have began to fix things with myself that I could not fix when I was unhappy and depressed. Perhaps all I ever wanted to be happy was to live the american dream, something I was denied as a child. And now im a single bachelor that has my own place, a decent job and an opportunity to make my life better. I can be a little over talkative at times, I hope this is relevant. | ||
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12-26-2007, 07:22 AM
| #12 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: France -> Germany -> France -> Brazil
Posts: 3,430
 | Quote:
Looking for another guy is not a solution, you would stay dependent. Don't rely on drugs or men to feel better. The root of your problem in your head. But you have the power to control your thoughts, and that's your strength! Yes, you keep attracting these men. And as long as you don't change your thoughts, you will attract such men again and again. I would advise you to forget about men and just work on feeling better, with yourself and your life. Think thoughts that make you happy. Love yourself You'll make it. | |
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12-26-2007, 10:21 AM
| #13 (permalink) | ||
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 165
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This problem isn't about guys, it doesn't matter that the guy was scum, nor does it matter what kind of man happens to waltz into her life in the future. You're giving her dating advice and telling her to be patient as if her happiness and wellbeing should rely on romantic relationships, which is absolutely not true. Quote:
You talk about it like it works by itself. Is it like your heart, or is it like your legs? You wouldn't say "I beat my heart," you would say "My heart beats itself." You wouldn't say "my legs walk themselves," you would say "I walk." What about your mind? Your mind isn't a thing, it's not something you possess. Your mind IS you. Don't say that your mind keeps thinking those negative thoughts, because it's you that thinks them. We can't control your mind, we don't have power over you, you are the only one that does. Your unhappiness is nobody's fault but your own. You have to understand something: that man, the one that lied to you, insulted you, and treated you like crap; he isn't what is making you unhappy. His actions can't possibly make you unhappy. Does he control your mind and your feelings? Just like us, he has no power over your thoughts, the one in the driver seat of your mind is YOU. YOU are unhappy. It's the way you respond to that man's actions, the way you interpret them and think about them, that is what's making you unhappy, not him. The only thing standing in the way of your happiness is you. Your ego. So how do you get past it? Well, what's stopping you from getting past it? Let's look at the situation: a) You are your mind, you are the one in control of your feelings and thoughts. b) You aren't happy. c) You want to be happy. I don't see the problem. Really, what's in the way of your happiness? Is it that man? His insults? His lies? His feelings for other women and lack of love for you? Well, let me ask you something... What in the world does some other guy spouting petty insults and having relationships with other women have to do with YOUR happiness? Absolutely nothing. Suffering is caused by unfulfilled desires. If you got rid of, or fulfilled those desires, you would be happy, peaceful minded and content. So I have one more series of questions for you: What do you want? What would it take for you to be content? What desires do you have that are unfulfilled, particularly relating to your troubles with this guy? Surely it can't be just that you want to be happy, because that makes no sense. If you just wanted to be happy, then the only reason for your unhappiness would be your desire to be happy. Wanting happiness implies that you lack it, and happiness isn't a physical thing you can attain or find in the world, its a state of mind you initiate yourself. | ||
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12-26-2007, 10:53 AM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 30
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I think you guys are missing my point, and from what I have observed and experienced, there is no greater happiness in life then when you are in romantic love. I have never seen a (single person) that was as happy as a person that is in love, period. And I was attacking the root of the problem that fact that shes ends up with guys that treat her like that. If you tell her how to deal with the dirt bag guy without first telling her how to not end up with one in the first place its seems pretty inevitable that she will end up right back in the same place or in even worse shape (accepting the situation). I think I may be horribly misunderstood by everyone but hey im used to it! |
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12-26-2007, 11:31 AM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: France -> Germany -> France -> Brazil
Posts: 3,430
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We perfectly understand your point, MyBrainHurts, and we don't agree with your solution. We ARE telling her how not to end up with a dirt bag. The reason why she always ends up with men who treat her like crap is that she feels like crap inside. The only way not to end up with such a guy is to change her thoughts about herself and about life. As long as she doesn't change how she feels inside she will keep on attracting crappy guys, no matter how many men she dates, no matter how patient she is. What makes her unhappy is not the guy at all, it's herself. So giving her advice on how to get a better guy in order to be happy misses the point. No man in the world, not even the sweetest of all, will ever be able to make her happy, if she's not first happy on her own. And to be happy on her own, independently from any guy, she needs to understand that what determines her happiness is her thoughts. It's not something that happens to her, it's a choice. She has full control over her mind. No other person, situation or thing has any influence over her mind, and therefore over her happiness. It's not the other person, situation, etc that makes her unhappy, it's her own thoughts about it. She can choose to be happy, to think happy thoughts and to love herself. And then she'll be happy. Rio, sorry for talking about you in the third person. I wish you all the best |
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12-26-2007, 01:24 PM
| #17 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 293
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RioroseIsAStar8507, look, I don't really know what to say to you. I mean, we attract towards us the people that reflect us.... You're a stripper, so what kind of guys did you think you were going to meet? Riorose, the thing you have to understand is that life gives us what we are. You have these sort of problems because of who you are (and I'm not judging you for being who you are. I used to be a suicidal neurotic geek who hated everybody, was scared of being in public, and cut himself, so I know what it's like to just want to give up on life) If you really want to stop have these sort of problems, then you have to stop being the sort of person who has these sort of problems. You choose this path; you decided to live this life. And now you can choose a new life and a new path, you just have to become a new person. If you want to change your life, then you must give up the life that you have now. If you really want to change, then are only three things that you need to do: 1) Know exactly what you want. By this I mean that you need to decide EXACTLY what it is that you want. You need to have it written down on a piece of paper so that you can look at it whenever you feel like it. 2) Know yourself Take a long good look at yourself, and you will discover why you are where you are in life. Look at yourself as you really are. 3) Know who you have to become to get what you want This part should be self-explanatory. Once you know what you want, try to find people who have it and study them. Look at why they have what you want, and then you'll know how you can get it too. Copy them. RioroseIsAStar8507, you are on a website dedicated to the topic of Self-development, do you know what that is? Self-development is about changing yourself. It is believing that you can change the things that you don't like about yourself. It is believing that you are in ultimate control of your own life, and so you only have yourself to blame if your life isn't what you want it to be. That's it. |
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12-26-2007, 04:37 PM
| #18 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 30
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Anyway Rio you should listen to there advice I know I have ;p! Learn from your mistakes and try not the repeat them. | |
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12-26-2007, 04:39 PM
| #19 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 220
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Sorry I'm a bit late posting this but it just seconda what others have already mentioned You could be a stripper, bank manager, prostitute, cleaner, artist, Doctor, church goer.... If you be attracting crappy guys it's because of your " belief system " so until you change your belief system guess what type of men you will attracting? So if your happy stripping because you really like to do it then carry on but if you carry on with this way of thinking you might as well stay with this scum bag for the rest of you life. So if you carry on with your job but change your belief system regarding the type of men you attract then BINGO you WILL meet a very nice man. |
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12-26-2007, 05:13 PM
| #20 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 522
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Make choices that will lead to you being confident, happy and the person you want to be. Would going back to this guy lead to these things? Ask yourself every morning what you can do now that will lead you there. Pursue your passions. I think when you get that you are responsible for what is happening in your life, you will feel a little shift within. Don't beat yourself up because you made choices that have lead to unhappiness. Forgive yourself and know that from now, this minute, you have the power to make your life into what you want it to be. Be glad that you are not that guy's wife. Walk away to better things. Oh, and I totally agree with the others re. working on yourself before starting a new relationship. |
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12-26-2007, 06:14 PM
| #21 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Dec 2006
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12-26-2007, 11:05 PM
| #22 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 1,823
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Good people far far outnumber the bad ones. That is not a theory, it is fact. | |
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12-26-2007, 11:41 PM
| #23 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 165
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You seem to think Riorose's happiness should depend on external things, the people around her, her romantic relationships, and so on. This is simply not true. Happiness is a state of mind, and as such, it depends on the mind and the mind only and is far easier to obtain via changing your thoughts than it is by any other means. It's like this: Imagine there is a criteria for happiness that is in your brain. This criteria must be met for a person to attain contentment. There are two ways to do it: 1. Change the universe (your surroundings) so that it matches your mind's criteria. 2. Change your mind's criteria so that it matches your surroundings. Option one requires for you to do something that is borderline impossible, requires substantial effort, and takes more than a lifetime in many cases. Option two technically has no obstacles. Depending on the person, their world view, experiences, level of intelligence, and many other things, it could take 10 seconds or it could take 100 years. You might say, "but that's terrible. If a person can be happy in any circumstance, what if their circumstances are very bad?" Well, being content doesn't mean losing your common sense. For example, Riorose, even if she was happy, probably wouldn't want to stay with that scum guy. It would be stupid; he lied to her, insulted her, and generally was a jerk to her, so why should she hang around? Her happiness doesn't depend on him, or anything for that matter, she's free to do whatever she wants. | |
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12-27-2007, 01:36 PM
| #24 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Location: Singapore
Posts: 158
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When you feel positive inside, you send out positive energy vibrations. The Universe gives you more of the same. However, if you do not feel good about yourself and have negative thoughts, you are sending out negative energy vibrations. Guess what the Universe gives you? More negativity. You need to brace up and take charge. You can do it. Most of us do not realise that we have the power within ourselves to change and much capacity for self love. Find out about how to bolster your self esteem. Read books. Surf the net. Check out tools and techniques (like EFT at EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else) that can help you speed up the process. When you feel down, come on this site to ask for encouragement. I'm sure the forum members here will be willing to support you so long as you dare make a positive change. With much love and hugs, Evelyn | |
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