Actions vs. Words

[pi11]

Early this year, I broke up with my girlfriend and in many ways, I am still in the middle of cutting ties. The emotional ties are mostly cut, but other ones still linger. Due to financial and legal obligations, I still am involved in talking and dealing with her. Not for long, I suspect.

Anyway, the reason for that back story was to create context for my question. Over the last few emotionally turbulent months, I have noticed that she does things that she said she didn't believe in or didn't do. Essentially, she thinks and believes she doesn't do certain (not so nice) things; but she does them anyway. I am able to see this discrepancy much more clearly now that I don't have my love-blinders on.

This brings me to the point about actions and words. There is an English idiom that says "Actions speak louder than words", which is more than clear to me now than ever before. We say, think and believe things that we want to be true. Actions on the other hand are rarely controlled by our thoughts (unless we develop them as habits). This is why our actions are a better mirror of ourselves and our ideologies than what we tell/believe about ourselves.

So going further, when we meet a new person, we should place more value on their actions than their words. But this presents a whole bunch of problems.

Actions take time to reveal personal ideologies. Until then words have to be trusted. I have noticed that words influence (or pollute) my perception of the person. And, when conflicting actions are presented, I dismiss them. (I do these seemingly silly things because I want to enjoy the ride.) Besides, trusting the words is in the interest of the new relationship. Starting a relationship by being critical is certainly to be very quickly doomed. Not to mention, being critical about everything in a relationship is hardly enjoyable! One must let go of a large number of things and roll with the waves.

This presents a predicament. Long-term versus short-term. Actions versus words. Blind trust versus critical view.

I would love to hear what you folks think of this. Perhaps some of you can offer some insight into this from your experience on this planet. Any and all thoughts are welcome.

Cheers

[Nico Kempe]

Hmmz this sounds familiar to me, and it is probably something many people who are into personal development experience.
I am keeping myself busy with personal development; I read lots of stuff about it, talk about it, think about it, write things down, and, tell myself to live that way.

So for example I've learned that I should observe my emotions as they happen, not judge them nor live them, but just to observe the emotions/behavior. This would help you let go of the egoic mind and get more in touch with your inner self. But recently I've had some moods where I was completely taken over by my ego, I got annoyed, I got angry, I got jealous, and I let my actions respond to that. (no, no-one got hurt )

So I told myself to observe my emotions and not be led by them, but eventually I let it happen anyway.

I guess it just takes time, a convinced mind and some support to make your words into actions.

[Trina]

Originally Posted by pi11

Actions take time to reveal personal ideologies. Until then words have to be trusted.

I don't trust words until I see the action to back them up. I will listen to them and file them away for later analysis. I don't actually believe someone until they have given me reason to be able to believe them, or disbelieve them until they give me reason not to believe them. I realize that is awfully critical of me, but I do give people a chance to prove or disprove their words before I make a final judgment on them. It is possible to refrain judgment until you get more facts if you make a conscious effort to do so (like Nico Kempe said, observe your emotions as they happen). There are those rare cases that someone's words are so demeaning/hurtful/inappropriate/insert word here that it is easy to come to a safe conclusion that they are what they say before they have a chance to prove it through their actions, but usually people put their best foot forward when meeting someone new. Especially if the meeting is to hopefully find romance. That's what dating is for though right? To have the time to compare the actions with the words and see if they match.

[Scott]

Originally Posted by pi11

This presents a predicament. Long-term versus short-term. Actions versus words. Blind trust versus critical view.

I think the way to look at things in not in such black-and-white terms as these, but as more of a gradient. Instead of seeing long-term versus short-term, look at the effects of a situation in the short-term and, if undesirable, see how you can modify the situation to be beneficial in the long-term. Instead of seeing actions versus words, look at facial expressions, body language and tone of voice. Instead of seeing blind trust versus critical view, look at any given proposal with both rationality and openness.

I like the term "love-blinders" that you used; seems to perfectly describe a phenomenon that's all too common.

[pi11]

Originally Posted by Nico Kempe

So for example I've learned that I should observe my emotions as they happen, not judge them nor live them, but just to observe the emotions/behavior.

Thats a good point. I have tried to to do that, but that ends up hurting matters as well. If I disconnect from my emotions, then I appear cold, distant and calculating. I think I have been called a robot at one time too! lol

Its a tightrope!

[pi11]

Originally Posted by Scott

I think the way to look at things in not in such black-and-white terms as these, but as more of a gradient. Instead of seeing long-term versus short-term, look at the effects of a situation in the short-term and, if undesirable, see how you can modify the situation to be beneficial in the long-term. Instead of seeing actions versus words, look at facial expressions, body language and tone of voice. Instead of seeing blind trust versus critical view, look at any given proposal with both rationality and openness.

Think globally and act locally, huh? I think that is what you are trying to get at.

I personally have always tried to strike a balance between all the extremes that life presents. I dabble in both extremes. Living life on the fence (but not in a bad way). Buddhists call it the 'middle way', but they mean it in a more mystical sense. Ultimately they are the same anyway.

I like the term "love-blinders" that you used; seems to perfectly describe a phenomenon that's all too common.

Another term I use is 'belief goggles', which is a much larger concept. I blogged about it and it seems to have peaked interest of some epistemology students.

[Nico Kempe]

Originally Posted by pi11

Thats a good point. I have tried to to do that, but that ends up hurting matters as well. If I disconnect from my emotions, then I appear cold, distant and calculating.

Well, observing doesn't necessarily mean refraining from certain behaviour.
Maybe it is better put as "taking notice" instead of observing. You take notice of the behaviour, but you don't need to be a robot.

The purpose of this is that you get to know yourself, your behaviour, it is a matter of reflection, and this all adds up to raising your level of consciousness, being aware of your behaviour.

Once you're aware you can see if you want to change things, which will probably happen automatically by then.

[warchibald]

[quote=pi11;790]

I personally have always tried to strike a balance between all the extremes that life presents. I dabble in both extremes. Living life on the fence (but not in a bad way). Buddhists call it the 'middle way', [...]

Someone taught me to look at the metaphors with which I describe
my situation.

In response to the metaphor about gradients, we see the 'middle-way'
promulgated, which is a time-honoured tradition.

Then we see 'dabbling in the extremes' and tightrope metaphors. These,
to me, imply a triad: a) extreme #1, b) opposite extreme #2, c) the knife's
edge between balancing between the two extremes.

The nature of a gradient, by contrast is smooth. It isn't a balance.
It isn't categorical. It is incremental. You have 10% black and white,
and 90% grey, all of which is available to you -- without dabbling
in the extremes.

So, can you give a new relationship the benefit of the doubt *and*
remain safe? Certainly.

Can you work with a harmful person, and remain unharmed?
Most of the time, you can!

[yossarian]

Why judge at all?

Outcome indepedance applies to relationships of all kinds. Life is not a chore, it is something to be experienced.

You're absolutely right that what people say, especially in the context of a relationship, often has no correlation to the real world. But the fact that you feel you have to "trust" people's words means you're acting in a logical, fear based, controlling way. Relationships are not something to be controlled, they are organic, they grow, they flow. If someone is hurting you, you owe it to yourself to take care of that. But it doesn't require feeling betrayed, it doesn't require becoming controlling or becoming critical.

What I do is I release my expectations, I don't judge, I don't think ahead. I try to present myself in a totally genuine way, and as part of this, I show people that I can't tolerate lies or abuse because I expect to be treated with sincerity. If i'm not, it's not a big deal, I handle it. First by being honest in a non-judgemental way, then by simply cutting them out of my life.

"Search others for their virtues, thyself for thy vices." - Benjamin Franklin

When I meet a new person I place no expectations on them and don't judge their behaviour. Our time together in the world lasts as long as it lasts and parting is not a tragedy, if that's what it comes to.

I suppose my view on this is fairly odd, since as a part of this I don't really believe in "commitment" or forced monogamy. But this frame has made my relationships much more rewarding and it feels very congruent with my inner beliefs and the universe as a whole.

I see this kind of attitude as the opposite of the typical control based attitude - where partners claim each other and make logical commitments to stay together despite changing personalities and emotions. The typical social view on relationships seems to be rooted deeply in a scarcity based frame.

[Daniel Terhorst]

Originally Posted by pi11

This brings me to the point about actions and words. There is an English idiom that says "Actions speak louder than words", which is more than clear to me now than ever before.

So going further, when we meet a new person, we should place more value on their actions than their words. But this presents a whole bunch of problems.

Actions take time to reveal personal ideologies. Until then words have to be trusted.

It seems to me that words are also actions of a sort. I think you can tell a lot about a person by what they choose to say, how they choose to say it, etc.

Originally Posted by pi11

Starting a relationship by being critical is certainly to be very quickly doomed. Not to mention, being critical about everything in a relationship is hardly enjoyable! One must let go of a large number of things and roll with the waves.

"Critical," I think, implies some sort of judgment--a "should" attitude. I would agree that this is in conflict with the enjoyment of a relationship and the ability to roll with the waves. I'm probably not in the best position give advice on relationships or even much on friendships, but I think one can "make note" and learn about another person without thinking they should change.

Trust is by nature a risk, but not one that need be taken blindly.

-- Daniel Terhorst

[pi11]

Originally Posted by yossarian

Why judge at all?

Outcome indepedance applies to relationships of all kinds. Life is not a chore, it is something to be experienced.

Excellent post! What you said seems to have struck a chord with me. You are dead on to say that life isn't a chore or a problem to be solved. It is something to be experienced. There are low moments and high moments. They are high or low only because they are in context of each other. Everything just is. So let it be.

I follow this in some facets in life, but not in others. Relationships being one where I seem to forget this.