You Be The Judge

[Rose of Cairo]

ah! now I know how we can help you The advice is very simple: read The Power of Now! Read it, and apply what he says.

[dancer]

I kind of understand why your brain hurts. Like others have said, you are thinking way way too much.

Is it possible that you add too many details to your small talk? I know someone who goes into much detail and honestly it is extremely tiring. An example of this is a moment for moment account of the bus trip to a meeting place, this includes everyone the person met and every word spoken and perhaps a side story or two.

You said you want to get to know your friend and how he thinks, have you ever asked him? People feel appreciated when you ask them questions about themselves and because you are generally interested in them they become interested in you. You mentioned you are more interested in people's logic than the content of what they saying. Why not try listening instead of analysing? Ask your friend why he thinks people who smoke are cool instead of trying to guess. He holds the key, afterall. In your description of the conversation it seemed that you were more concerned with him being wrong and you being right. That kind of attitude is provocative and some people even if they agree with you will disagree just to get you back for your attitude.

Is there anyone in your social group who you admire for their communication skills? Observe how they communicate with others, how much detail they give and how they listen.

Finally, not everything is about you. And one more thought, you seem very black and white. Logical stuff is not always as interesting as the unlogical.

[MyBrainHurts]

just read: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...-power-of-now/

I guess I'll have to buy the book, it makes logical sense to me.

Have someone who is happy and positive all the time? I am especially attracted to them and often ponder on how they got to that point mentally because it seems like it would be blissful. Some people use faith to achieve and others achieve it naturally from my experience.

I always think wow, I wish I was as happy as they are. Heck just talking to them made me happy, its like they spread there happiness to other people.

I always end up thinking "I wish I could get to that stage mentally some day". But then I never really dedicate myself to the process of achieving it.

In a sense from what I have read from "Steves" articles he is in his own way the sort of person i'm talking about. If what he types is truly and expression of who he is beyond the mask of the internet.

[MyBrainHurts]

Is it possible that you add too many details to your small talk? I know someone who goes into much detail and honestly it is extremely tiring. An example of this is a moment for moment account of the bus trip to a meeting place, this includes everyone the person met and every word spoken and perhaps a side story or two.

You nailed it.

I'm really going to focus my energy on speaking in short sentences and forcing my self to end it and not add or continue beyond the point of the conversation.

I understand that other people are not like me and will get overloaded with too much information. And out of respect for them I should adjust to there mental needs. That is the point everyone is trying to make.

Whats going to be funny is if I can't do this at the speed of light to not seem awkward from taking the time to shorten what im thinking in my mind to something that would fit into a short sentence, or remove the irrelevant information that "they may deem irrelevant" before I speak. I guess this is a learned mental ability that I never used because I've been sitting at a desk writing software since I was 14 and haven't socialized beyond the people I know.

I think I could communicate well with your friend however, I like to learn the entire picture and to be able to look at the details. Because I understand how he thinks and why he is telling me the details. Whereas another person would get bored halfway through I wouldn't lose interest.

[Parthon]

It's an excellent book, well worth the price 100 times over.

I called you selfish mainly to highlight where you are being, not selfish, but more self centered. I've found that only through getting to the depth of how selfish I really was could I then open myself up to being compassionate. When I say "you" I mean everyone, and it's an invitation to look where you are selfish and where you aren't, and inject some openess and compassion onto those areas of your life where you are self centered more than you would like to be. I'm glad to hear that you donate to charity and to people in need, are there areas you can increase your compassion that don't cost money? Situations where people need your help that you've held back from? Just somewhere to look. I've found that the more you intend to be less selfish, the more open and friendly other people are towards you.

For social skills though, have you tried thinking about what they want to hear from you, instead of what you want to say? Much of what most people say is so much fluff and personalised junk that they don't realise that the other person really doesn't want or need to hear what was just said. Thinking about what you could add to a conversation to improve it, or what to say that would interest and benefit the other person is the key. Talking about yourself is a quick way to look like a social nitwit, as well as cheap talk and the like. Aim for what could be said that would make a positive difference is the way to go.

Good luck, you inspire me just from the amount of commitment you have to be a better person.

ps. Anyone know of any good social skill books? I just realised I've never read any. (Unless you count the Power of Now )

[dancer]

Cool, Mybrainhurts. Remember to have fun with it and I'm sure you will have success. Keep us updated.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Parthon

Good luck, you inspire me just from the amount of commitment you have to be a better person.

Yeah, isn't he tough?

MyBrainHurts, The Power of Now is really an awesome book I'm sure that when you'll have learned from that book, your communication skills will be much better too, so I wouldn't worry about that.

A good method to be happy and positive is to deliberately choose thoughts that make you feel happy. Being happy is not an arbitrary state you fall in, it's a decision. Here is something you could do: every time you don't feel completely happy (like right now), look for a thought that makes your feel a little bit better. Focus on that thought for about one minute, then look for another thought that makes you feel even better. And so on. An important point is that these thoughts don't need to be true, or realistic. They can be totally imaginary and strange, or a big lie, it doesn't matter. They just have to feel good.

The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra would also make a lot of sense for you, I think. But the first step is The Power of Now.

Originally Posted by MyBrainHurts

I always end up thinking "I wish I could get to that stage mentally some day". But then I never really dedicate myself to the process of achieving it.

Well that's your decision. You have to know if you really want it or not. It's a lot of inner work and only yourself can do it. If it helps you, we can practice together though. I'm rereading The Power of Now at the moment and need to practice a lot

Lots of Love, keep us posted!

[Susie]

Might your friend have said, "Smoking is cool" and "Walmart workers are all stupid" tongue-in-cheek? It sounds to me like he might be making jokes that you're not picking up on. Especially "smoking is cool." Maybe work on developing your sense of humor and not taking everything so seriously?

[LifeWork]

just relax. find a good relaxation tape and listen to it like your life depends on it. you will find your nerdiness disappear over time.

[JesusChrist]

It sounds like you embarrassed your partner.

It also sounds like you (unintentionally) came off as one-upping the people you were talking to. Someone commented about their reception, and you mentioned how your reception is great. Someone commented on racketball, and you mentioned how you can make a mean salad. If I was trying to make small talk with you, I would think you were a little kookoo for cocoa puffs, know what I mean? That's how you're coming across here.

I really, really hope you didn't send that email. Completely off the wall and unnecessary, in my opinion.

I know a woman who is like this, every time you say something, she responds by talking about herself- and about how she is superior in one form or another regardless of what you're talking about. It's just not a good way to make friends.

So, if you want to make friends in the future, try asking the person you're talking with questions. Make it seem like you are interested in what they have to say, instead of talking about yourself.

Problem solved! Don't dwell on it, people come and go, and everyone knows someone who thinks they're unpleasant.

Peace.
JesusChrist

[lifetimelearner]

mybrainhurts from all this reading and I am still confused about the whole thing

in one sentence what is it that you are basically trying to resolve ?


you cannot be a loser without your consent