Married but at risk of being unfaithful

[NotesMaeve]

I don't think flirting makes the woman at that work bad. God knows I flirt, and I'm engaged.

[The Flannel Guy]

WOW Oh my god! There are so many comments here!

Dude, I say do it if you really have to. That is what you wanna hear right?!

So go do her! Absolutely! She is hot right? And likes you? What are you waiting for?!





BUT, just remember that you will probably lose EVERYTHING if your wife leaves you. 19 years, down the drain. Imagine losing the trust of the people you know and care about. Not to mention all your money and stuff. Do you know what its like living in a tiny apt as a single guy with no money? Are you really ready to chance losing everything you have?

But as I used to say to my kids when they wanted to roughhouse, don't run "crying" to anyone if you get hurt!

You wanna screw around? Then do it, don't drive yourself crazy over it. But understand the consequences. One things is for sure, most people aren't sympathetic to a cheating husband, especially divorce judges.

[Dan.Linehan]

My advice appears to be a little different.

I would say to tell your wife (in advance) that you would like to have a fling with this woman and then let the cards fall where they will. Have the respect to have the conversation. See where it leads you. You'll know what to do after that.

Your wife may ask you not to see the other woman, or she may realize that this isn't a common occurrence and be fine with it. Who knows.

But pretending that you don't have the desire to see the other woman is still pretending, and is still disingenuous in my opinion. And if you can't be honest with your wife then whats the point anyway?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Dan.Linehan

My advice appears to be a little different.

I think it's kind of the same. I think most people just don't want him to lie to his wife. That's the biggest issue here as far as I'm concerned.

[frajilthunder]

Ummm, since this thread got resurrected, I guess I'll give an update.

Everyone's advice was very helpful. This woman is very sexy, but I've forced myself to see beyond that and look at the practical side of my situation. Why would I want to sleep with someone who would sleep with a happily married man? Does she even want to sleep with me, or is it harmless flirtation, or worse yet, flirtation with an agenda?

I decided not to tell my wife about all this, especially now that I've worked it all out. I'm chalking it up to a mid-life crisis. I'll not likely be on this Earth as long as I have been, and I don't really care for red convertables, so I wanted a different kind of thrill ride. When I really looked at it, I couldn't come up with a better way to spend my years (hopefully years) here than growing old with my wife.

[Zomer Briez]

Take them to Tajikistan or become Mormon and you can marry um both!

I have somewhat of a lover from Japan, and we talk about a lot of things...

I was asking her once why it's OK for a married man to go to a Hostess club, Philippineo Bar, or Soap Land, Brothel etc.

and she said a lot of things...
Some of the interesting points she made:

- Sex is not love.
- Men will have sex with women they don't love, because they just want sex.
- Men get health from sexual fulfillment
- A wife in Japan knows that her husband isn't going to leave her, he just needs to fulfill his sexual desires.

So I asked her...
"So why can't the wife go and have sex with others for her sexual fulfillment?"

and she replied
"Well men don' t like that...
.. and women don't want to have sex with others, just the one that they love"



and then I went on to ask
"So If I have sex with others this is OK?"

and she replied...
"You are only cheating on me if you give your heart away"

[Trezker]

I think you should still talk about this with your wife. I don't know how she'll react but it's way better to tell her than to let her find these posts about it herself.

Even if you don't want to tell her. Don't ever avoid it if your wife brings up the subject in conversation.

It might have been a midlife crisis but that's just a word made up for something that occurs when you have built up some negative deposit of emotions over many years. I doubt Steve will have one actually since he's having such a fulfilling life and is so open about everything. The crisis is something you need to deal with and who better to help you with that than your wife?

[andrew]

Have you tried talking to your wife about any swinger activities? If you're getting tiered of you monotonous, maybe she is too, and wouldn't mind bringing other people into your sex life occasionally.

I agree with what most people said here, but just thought I'd bring up an alternative, so, you could have your cake and eat it too.

Flirting is flirting. There's different levels of social flirting, coming with different intentions. I flirt with girls I'm not interested in, just because it's social, fun, and that's just who I am. I wouldn't call casual flirting (if that's what it is) not having integrity though.

[Vasilisa]

It's wonderful that you've been faithful to your wife for 19 years, I'd give you a big credit for that. And now instead of giving in to your desire you came here to ask for advice. You are a rare and good man.
Your situation is so natural, so human. I think any man or woman in a long marriage goes through the stuff like that. Desires, temptations, small crushes.
I don't think it's nesessary to hurt your wife's feelings talking about things like that. I wouldn't. Sometimes people have good intentions to be straight and honest and wind up hurting their dear ones terribly for no reason.
Keep it to yourself, fight it, deal with it.
It's your business to sort it out one way or the other.

[Vasilisa]

Plus, people have different temperaments. It will be easy for a person with a low sex drive or a lot of opportunities for sublimation to judge those who have strong mojo.

[mwinslett]

I would add my endorsement to the "be honest with yourself and stick with your wife because you'll regret it later" advice.

I would offer 2 other pieces of advice:

1.) One of the things that works for those who are recovering from alcoholism or drug addictions is to "remove the source of the temptation," i.e. if you are a raging alcoholic, it is important to avoid places where you had previously gone drinking or to avoid alcohol completely. Any contact with your previous lifestyle prompts memories of what you had previously done and could cause you to relapse. I would suggest trying something like this with your lady friend, if possible. See if you could move your office or cubicle to a different part of your department away from her, if your employer would allow it. If you are really bent on getting rid of those feelings, and would do anything for it, I would even consider looking for other sources of employment. As they say, out of sight, out of mind.

2.) Do you have pictures of your wife/family in your office? If not, perhaps being constantly reminded of them would reduce any possible "temptations" to cheat (for lack of a better word).

Those are just my $.02. They may help, or they may not. Hope I didn't offend you.

Cheers!

[Peekaboo]

Dear frajilthunder

Oppertunity knocks once, but temptation beats your door down.

I'm glad for you that you decided to stay in your happy marriage and that you've worked out that this other lady is not worth risking everything you have now for.

Good on you and have a happy life.
Peekaboo

[Benny2]

Think very carefully of what you are giving up.

Just because you are tried of one woman for one man is no reason to cheat.

Work out your problems with your wife. I you are considering cheating there is a problem. Cheating is a symptom of the problem not the cause.

You made a promise to your wife on your wedding day in front of witnesses think carefully before breaking your word.

Identify the real reason why you would want to cheat. What is missing in your marriage? I have been through divorce and the trauma is tremendous.

[Keith]

Originally Posted by frajilthunder

Why would I want to sleep with someone who would sleep with a happily married man?

Huh, that's a very weird comment. She's single (AFAIK) and morally free to have a consensual relationship with any adult she likes. The same is not true of the happily married man, but if he chooses to break his commitment that's not her responsibility.

There's a word you're probably familiar with: "Homewrecker". For some reason this term has historically not been applied to the disloyal partner where it belongs but to the innocent third party.

It's unfair to her, and demeaning to yourself to say that you couldn't possible be the responsible party for your own actions.

[Dannyboy1]

I'm not a hugely religious man, but the phrase "Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil" comes to mind. It's a very simple solution really. You obviously don't want to leave your wife and you don't want to hurt her, so... remove the temptation. Explain it to the girl at work (in a very public place) that she's a wonderful person, but you believe the flirting has gone too far and it has to end. You want to stop feeling for this women, then have her help you out. Don't tell her you have feelings for her because that would just invite more temptation. Just tell her you need to stop flirting with her because it's innapropriate. It's your choice to allow the temptation to continue. I'm not trying to push monogamy or morals, but if you want your relationship with your wife to survive, make no mistake. You are the one who is allowing this to go on. You are the one who is letting himself be tempted. You can't continue this way and expect to be happy. It's only going to get worse if you allow the flirting to continue. Once you have that simple conversation with her, she'll probably make it very easy to not flirt. The feelings will fade and you will be fine. If she doesn't, you may have to be abrasive to make her see you're serious. Or, have you're wife meet you at work right in front of this girl and take your wife out to lunch. Either way, if you don't want to hurt your wife and have a great relationship and you continue to flirt... Let's face it. You're making yourself a victim and asking us to help. Pretty ridiculous. Don't lie to yourself about it. You know the way out. Stop allowing yourself to be tempted. Join a softball team if you have to distract yourself.

[robc]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I am not going to tell you you have to be content with your "fragile fidelity."

I agree with aspiring 100% (see we do agree on some things!)

Either leave your wife and pursue this relationship or realize it's normal to have these types of feelings and look to the apparently wonderful 19 year relationship with your wife and ask "is it worth giving that up for a roll in the hay?"

I don't believe it's some kind of mandate that people be in monogomous relationships for all eternity, but since it doesn't seem there are any major issues in your marriage, I think your wife at least deserves the curtesy of not being deceived. Not that I think it would be right to behave without integrity even if she were a colossal jerk. Go ahead and pursue a relationship with this other woman, but only after you have divorced your wife. Or alternately discussed and agreed on an open relationship. If you are saying to yourself "but I love my wife, I don't want to leave her, I just want to have some fun too" then to you I say "GROW UP." And if I could reach through this computer screen I would slap you.

Sorry to be harsh, but I feel the attitude you have is really selfish. Just like you are free to feel like I am being a bitch.

Good luck and hopefully you will get some more compassionate advice from other posters. My stance on infidelity is that it is unnecessarily cruel (when in a relationship where fidelity is agreed upon). If you want to be with someone else, do it by all means, but don't lie about it.

Edit: Also, what would your reaction be if your found you wife had these types of feelings?

If this is all just for sex with a hot piece of a$$, is it really worth ruining the marriage? Is this really a relationship you will be able to pursue when you're marriage is over? You will kick yourself in the head for the rest of your life once you realize that your one time with this lady cost you a life time with the woman you're married to. And you will tell yourself it wasn't worth it, I can guarantee you that. When you divorce from your wife because of this failure on your part, you will be depressed, hurt, angry at yourself that you hurt your wife that has been an angel in your life all these years.

Trust me, you'll probably want to cut your dick off after all this happens to you, just for the taste of another "pie".

In the end, it's your call, I hope you think it's worth it, I can tell you it isn't but sometimes people have to learn the hard way.