Questions to ask on a date (for smart people)

[Angela]

Got any good ones? Here are some of mine: (to be asked in moderation -- not meant to be used as a questionaire or interview! but especially good for online dating.)

Is there something you've dreamed of doing for a long time? What prevents you from doing it?

If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? If so, what?

If you could take a one month trip anywhere in the world and money was not a consideration, where would you go? What would you do there?

If you had one day in your life to live over, which would you choose and why?

What do you think is the single best decision you've made in your life so far?

Name one thing you could do to improve any important relationship in your life.

If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

What is your most treasured memory?

What was the most risky decision you ever made in your life? What made the risk so great?

What was the high point of last month?

What is the one thing about yourself you like best?

What is the worst psychological torture you can imagine suffering?

What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

If you were guaranteed honest responses to any three questions, whom would you question, and what would you ask?

What do you value most in a relationship?

If you were to wake up tomorrow morning to learn that the headlines of all the major newspapers were about you, what would you want them to say?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I am going to ask myself those questions! I think they'd probably get you a better picture of someone than the old standby "what kind of music do you like?" Even if John Cusack and his buddies decided what you like matters more than what you are like.

It's amazing that we don't ask ourselves these types of questions (well, at least I haven't). I think I could learn a lot about myself by doing so.

Thanks for sharing!

[JimOfferman]

I'd list some of mine, but I don't ask any questions during dates (apart from 'what would you like to drink'). I just talk about whatever springs to mind and be sure to leave plenty of room for you to talk as well.

I find that just talking leads to much more interesting conversations than asking questions does.

We'll likely end up with a fairly balanced dialogue if you are the least bit interesting. If the night turned into a monologue about me, don't expect me to call you again.

(Theoretically, the night could also have turned into a monologue about you - but that has never happened to me yet)

[Angela]

Oh, Jim, I think it's very important to ask thoughtful questions on a date, and to have a couple in mind to ask -- it shows you're interested in finding out who she really is, that you're a leader, that you are entertaining (of course there is nothing more entertaining that being asked about yourself, right?). It's great to be prepared with a question that will spark fire into a conversation and get it really rolling.

Give one or two of these a try -- see how much fun it is to watch your date's face as she considers her answer.

[norbert]

I wish I met a girl asking me exactly these kinds of questions (because I'm prepared ).

Here's another one (needs rephrasing because it sounds overly serious): Is there a general life strategy/rule of thumb you follow/live by?

[Rose of Cairo]

whooo Angela, I hope we'll never date! I would be scared to be asked such questions!

Of course if during an interesting conversation such questions arise naturally, well, ok.. but if some guy asks me such things and it's a bit too obvious that he wants to know how I am, I would feel checked. I tend to have a very unpleasant feeling when I notice that someone is trying to find out how I am and maybe if we would be a good match. I'd prefer to get to know him in a less premedited way, and more with my feeling than with my brain.

Of course I have some points I check when I meet a man, but not in form of questions. I'd more observe how he is.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Of course if during an interesting conversation such questions arise naturally, well, ok.. but if some guy asks me such things and it's a bit too obvious that he wants to know how I am, I would feel checked. I tend to have a very unpleasant feeling when I notice that someone is trying to find out how I am and maybe if we would be a good match.

Hey, Rose, questions can arise naturally and be thought about beforehand, too!

It sounds like you're saying that you don't want it actually acknowledged on a date that you're looking to see if you're a good match? Don't you think it's a good idea to find out about your date "how he is"? I think you and I might be thinking of two different approaches to dating, and maybe part of that is cultural. I'm thinking about a person who consciously wants to create a loving, long-term, mutually beneficial relationship with velocity, and wants to be powerful and effective in doing so. This may be very American of me, though!

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Angela

It sounds like you're saying that you don't want it actually acknowledged on a date that you're looking to see if you're a good match? Don't you think it's a good idea to find out about your date "how he is"? I think you and I might be thinking of two different approaches to dating, and maybe part of that is cultural. I'm thinking about a person who consciously wants to create a loving, long-term, mutually beneficial relationship with velocity, and wants to be powerful and effective in doing so. This may be very American of me, though!

yes indeed!!!

Seriously, I don't know if that's american of you. But that's a very, very good question. Since I joined this forum, I'm wondering what you all mean with that dating thing. When I meet and like someone, whether I have a romantic interest in him or not, I want to see him again and spend time with him. So (if I'm lucky) we meet and spend time together, not necessarily going out in the evening, it can be going for a walk in the afternoon or taking breakfast in a café together or at his or my place to watch a movie or whatever. It may be more or less hot/romantic, but there is no formal difference between that and meeting a friend.

During this spending time together I'll find out how he is anyway, so there is no need, in my eyes, to meet in order to explicitely find that out. So yes, I don't want it to be aknowledged that we're checking if we're a good match, because we are not checking if we are a good match! We're just spending time together because we enjoy doing so. If something happens between us, great, if not, great too, either we become friends or we've spent nice time together, that's it.

You're right, that's two very different ways to see it. I don't know if it's cultural, or if it's just me. But your approach seems not very romantic to me, actually not romantic at all! It's more some kind of, er.. deal? marketing? business? "Look how great I am! I want a relationship, you want a relationship, you fit my standards, I fit yours, win-win!"

To your original questions, if I feel something romantic is happening between us during these meetings (I don't dare to call them dates anymore...), I'll check a few things about the guy before I get into something more serious, like does he tend to feel easily guilty, or which kind of relationship does he want in the first place, is it compatible with what I want, or does he despise the beggars asking for change on the street, or does he like animals. But asking him directly questions in order to check him would feel very rude for me.

Is that cultural?

[Angela]

Well, I don't see this approach as unromantic or businesslike. On the contrary, it can be the basis of a grand, sweeping love affair. When a LLTMBR is something that you would dearly love to generate, dating can be extremely romantic. There are many people who would dearly love to generate a LLTMBR, and the exciting, romantic, vital energy of people who make that a priority in their lives can sweep other exciting, romantic, and vital people right up into your path! We really do have the power to actually generate the romance.

Asking and answering provocative, interesting questions is just one path to connection. Your more gentle and meandering route is another. Any pathway to connection, freedom, and joy is good, as far as I'm concerned!

[LifeFirst]

For Smart people???

What is THAT supposed to mean huh??

[Lola]

Rose, I agree that if I tried to memorize this list and work all of these questions into a date conversation, the talk would feel very stilted and unnatural. Plus I'd be stressed about remembering and keeping up with all the responses! And that would interfere with really *feeling* what I get from the guy.

But, I also agree with Angela that these are very thoughtful questions and would show more about a person than the standard "what do you like to do" type of conversations. And how handy to know some of these to jump-start a lagging conversation!

Ultimately, I think I'm going to do what Aspiring mentioned and ask these questions of myself. Mainly because I think it would be interesting to discover my own responses. But also maybe I will discover that a few of these questions really resonate with me. Then perhaps on a date I can weave those few questions that I find particularly interesting into the conversation in a natural manner.

It's intriguing. Reminds me of joking with my psychologist friend that he should devise some sort of secret psych test for men I date so I could find out which ones were certifiable before the relationship progressed too far!

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Lola

But, I also agree with Angela that these are very thoughtful questions and would show more about a person than the standard "what do you like to do" type of conversations.

Absolutely! They're very interesting questions of course. I'm going to ask that myself too...

I'm lucky that you warned me about american dates before I could date an american. Imagine the catastrophe without that...

If I'm allowed to be rude ( ), I guess I would send him some red-flag-detector-missiles first, and then come up with interesting questions.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Angela

Oh, Jim, I think it's very important to ask thoughtful questions on a date, and to have a couple in mind to ask -- it shows you're interested in finding out who she really is, that you're a leader, that you are entertaining (of course there is nothing more entertaining that being asked about yourself, right?). It's great to be prepared with a question that will spark fire into a conversation and get it really rolling.

Give one or two of these a try -- see how much fun it is to watch your date's face as she considers her answer.

But I don't need to ask any of those questions directly, because I'll find out all the answers anyway. It's just a different conversational style - more of a discussion than an interview. So, instead of asking "How do you think a relationship should be?", I'll talk for a bit about how I think things should be and then she'll go "You know, what..."

I don't need to assert that I am a leader or that I am entertaining, because I am those things. It's implicit. It's a given.

[munish]

Originally Posted by Angela

Got any good ones? Here are some of mine: (to be asked in moderation -- not meant to be used as a questionaire or interview! but especially good for online dating.)

Is there something you've dreamed of doing for a long time? What prevents you from doing it?

If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? If so, what?

If you could take a one month trip anywhere in the world and money was not a consideration, where would you go? What would you do there?

If you had one day in my life to live over, which would you choose and why?

What do you think is the single best decision you've made in your life so far?

Name one thing you could do to improve any important relationship in your life.

If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

What is your most treasured memory?

What was the most risky decision you ever made in your life? What made the risk so great?

What was the high point of last month?

What is the one thing about yourself you like best?

What is the worst psychological torture you can imagine suffering?

What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

If you were guaranteed honest responses to any three questions, whom would you question, and what would you ask?

What do you value most in a relationship?

If you were to wake up tomorrow morning to learn that the headlines of all the major newspapers were about you, what would you want them to say?

A great lesson from a master.Thanks.

[RichGrad]

"Is there something you've dreamed of doing for a long time? What prevents you from doing it? "

I can certainly see where that may lead to =P

[Rose of Cairo]

Sounds like Jim has more the same dating style as me than the american one Maybe it's really cultural indeed?

[wolfgang]

What was the last dream you remember?

[Angela]

That's a great one, Wolfgang!

You "natural conversation culture" daters, just go on about your business. These questions are meant for people who enjoy asking and answering thought-provoking questions on dates, or who would like to give it a try.

You know, these are good questions to ask of your established partner, too. Danger Man and I were out to dinner with another couple who told us they often ran out of conversation when they were out dining. Danger Man and I run no risk of that, because there is always something new to learn about each other, or explore in conversation together. Questions, man; we love 'em!

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Angela

You "natural conversation culture" daters, just go on about your business. These questions are meant for people who enjoy asking and answering thought-provoking questions on dates, or who would like to give it a try.

Oh, I definitely see the value in such thought-provoking and revealing conversation starters and I love that you gave us such a great list of possibilities. It's just that I'm usually thinking about things like why is he looking at me that way - do I have spinach caught in my teeth? That, and I'm just not very good at a) keeping a "script" in my head and b) having it come out naturally if I do remember. (It's probably the ADD rearing it's multi-faceted head - should I drink more?)

I have an awful lot lined up for my next date. Fall in love and practice detachment... Play 20 thought provoking questions...

My horoscope did say this is a good weekend for love and I got a pedicure and my eyebrows waxed this afternoon so I'm thinking I'm loaded for bear!

ps Aspiring - John Cusak - yummmmmmmm......

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Lola

ps Aspiring - John Cusak - yummmmmmmm......

I usually just drool!

[Angela]

Lola, did you see my disclaimer at the top of the post -- use these questions in moderation, not as an interview checklist! I think it's good to have a couple that resonate with you when you ask them of yourself, as you mentioned. Don't memorize them, and only ask the questions that you want to know the answer to!

One more question designed especially for you:

"Do I have spinach caught in my teeth?"

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Angela

...only ask the questions that you want to know the answer to!

I need to tattoo that on my arm or something!

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Angela

Lola, did you see my disclaimer at the top of the post -- use these questions in moderation, not as an interview checklist! I think it's good to have a couple that resonate with you when you ask them of yourself, as you mentioned. Don't memorize them, and only ask the questions that you want to know the answer to!

One more question designed especially for you:

"Do I have spinach caught in my teeth?"

I was just teasing about all that. I never eat spinach on a date!

Which reminds me of a funny story. My girlfriends and I were out eating dinner the other night. Sometimes we like to entertain ourselves by guessing the stories of our fellow diners. On this particular night we had pegged a 30-something couple nearby as being on their first date. He was chattering away. She was smiling and nodding and otherwise looking cute and agreeable. The both had that edgy nervous energy thing going on. Their meal was delivered and we were aghast to see that she'd ordered ribs. "OH NO! (silly girl)! Never eat ribs on a first date!" We were quite tickled with ourselves. Sure 'nuff. She realized her error too late. Those ribs sat on her plate completely untouched through their entire meal while she picked around them at her salad and fresh seasonal veggies. I think he was dying to ask if he could have them.

[Angela]

Don't order ribs -- that's the first thing they teach you in Dating School!

I just had a thought, maybe I should start a thread asking everybody one of these questions at a time -- it would be like dating everybody!

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Lola

"OH NO! (silly girl)! Never eat ribs on a first date!"

uh, why??

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Ohhh, fun! DO IT! (Sorry for the yelling...all this holiday candy is getting me a little hyper).

[Angela]

okay.

.................................................. .......

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

uh, why??

Because (in Texas anyway) while delicious, ribs are messy and sticky and you eat them with your hands. There are never enough napkins and napkins don't really do that great a job of getting the sticky off anyhow. You could get those little handy-wipes but many places don't provide those. So there you are with sticky face, sticky fingers. Not a comfortable feeling if you're just meeting someone the first time and are trying to make a *good* impression.

[Angela]

Plus the little pieces of meat get stuck between your teeth.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Ohhh, fun! DO IT! (Sorry for the yelling...all this holiday candy is getting my a little hyper).

No candy here. But I did have a pre-pedicure holiday margarita!


At the time of the rib-non-fest, I told my girlfriends that the guy should've been out with me. I would SO eat those ribs. So I flashed him the international *call me* sign on the way out.