Why it DOES pay to be shy

[JimOfferman]

I read the thread about why shyness doesn't pay and felt compelled to toss in the opposite argument: it does pay to be shy!

I am a fairly shy person, but my feel is that it generally works in my favor. When I find myself in a new situation or amongst a new group of people, my shyness grants me the time to calmly work out the dynamics within the group and it also prevents me from overwhelming people with my personality (which I have in spades, of course ). I may not come in guns blazing, but at the end of the day my shyness - or perhaps I should call it 'reservedness' - enables me to connect with people quickly and easily. Hence, I feel that my being shy is one of my better traits.

[Pegasus]

Everybody loves a shy guy...

[Rose of Cairo]

yeah that's sweet

[Angela]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Hence, I feel that my being shy is one of my better traits.

Well, I feel that your better traits are: you're brilliant, expressive, creative, direct, funny, loving, courageous, entertaining, good-looking, and inspiring. I would rate shyness wayyyy down on the list of your good qualities.

[NotesMaeve]

Personally, I prefer a more shy partner like the one I have. When you're romantically involved with someone who's shy, getting to know them is like opening a present everyday.

Slamhot Boy and I were driving to dinner and he was in a quiet, shy, but happy mood. He was just gingerly touching my shoulder, and it was really sweet and romantic, and he was talking about music. Out of NOWHERE, he starts singing, "This is It," doing these charicature voices of Michael McDonald and Kenny Loggins. It was electric; I nearly wrecked the car laughing. Shy people, as you get to know them, have the ability to transcend moods and usually have amazing sensitvity and are multi-faceted and fun to know.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Angela

Well, I feel that your better traits are: you're brilliant, expressive, creative, direct, funny, loving, courageous, entertaining, good-looking, and inspiring. I would rate shyness wayyyy down on the list of your good qualities.

that's true! And intelligent, open-minded, sensitive, genuine, positive, .... the list is long. Not to forget the beautiful eyes!

[mochamajesty]

I love this thread!

I sometimes felt like there was something wrong with me because I was shy. Now, I embrace it. I have great observation skills, and I am a great listener.

[positivityhub]

Shyness definitely pays, especially in business situations. When we meet an overly boisterous person, we tend to not trust him instinctively. A shy person on the other hand may come across as humble and down-to-earth.
That said, we have to be the way our personality is. All personality traits have their upsides and downsides.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

that's true! And intelligent, open-minded, sensitive, genuine, positive, .... the list is long. Not to forget the beautiful eyes!

Eh, he looks like he'd be good in the sack, too. I have an eye for those things!

[JimOfferman]

Ladies,

I can't say anything without having all of you topple over me, can I? Sheesh!

But thanks!

As for my bedside manners... if people only knew...

[Bliss Sage]

So why were people trying to make me see there is something wrong with me that I have to change because I'm shy? I looked "shy" and "introverted" up in the dictionary now, and there is no difference, they mean the same thing, and shy has several definitions.

I like being quiet and shy to the extent I am and I don't want to change and I don't need to, or to psychoanalyze myself to explain myself. I am comfortable in my skin and I don't care about anything else. If some shy person is bothered by his shyness or the results they bring him, let him change.

And guess what I think? Most people talk too much.

[Parthon]

The only problem with being shy is when it stops you from being you and limits the possibility of every wonderful thing your life could be.

Otherwise it's a gift. People who are shy tend to be more caring and sensitive, thus they protect themselves from getting hurt too easily. These people are the BEST to have as friends because they are just totally loving and caring.

Other shy people tend to be the most interesting. Instead of going out with the same people every week, they've explored the world and have discovered so much about it. Sometimes so much so, it can be amazing.

I think we should all goout and makes friends with a new shy person, just to enrich our own lives.

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by Parthon

The only problem with being shy is when it stops you from being you and limits the possibility of every wonderful thing your life could be.

Otherwise it's a gift. People who are shy tend to be more caring and sensitive, thus they protect themselves from getting hurt too easily. These people are the BEST to have as friends because they are just totally loving and caring.

Other shy people tend to be the most interesting. Instead of going out with the same people every week, they've explored the world and have discovered so much about it. Sometimes so much so, it can be amazing.

I think we should all goout and makes friends with a new shy person, just to enrich our own lives.

That was all so sweet . The part about having to protect your heart is true too (my rephrasing). But it's not merely from getting hurt personally, but to protect your heart from feeling the other person's/persons' pain or suffering and getting temporarily caught in it as if it's yours...and when you are helpless to figure out how to help.

And btw, I could use a friend (preferably a geographically close one-good luck to me with that!).

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Ladies,

I can't say anything without having all of you topple over me, can I? Sheesh!

Jim, that's only for you to practice of course. Have you ever seen a rock singer without groupies??

[JimOfferman]

I know, I know... you're too kind for me!

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Jim, that's only for you to practice of course. Have you ever seen a rock singer without groupies??

Jim, I want you to notice we're not all screaming and fawning over you. I'm sitting quietly across the room...playing hard to get!

[Parthon]

I'm a guy and even I'm tempted to scream and fawn.

Awesome music, totally awesome.

[wolfgang]

Being shy can have two ways it goes.

Shy because of insecurities.
Or shy because you aren't one to need attention.

If one is insecure then the shyness behaviour is a symptom of worring about what other people think and it's hard to connect with people.

If one is not seeking lots of attention, the shyness behaviour around that is peaceful to be around and people of this type of shyness don't have trouble connecting with people.

I think the qualities of being secure/insecure is more the issue of effectiveness in making connections with people than shy versus gregarious. Put it this way, one can be shy and be either secrue or insecure. Or one can be gregarious and be either secure or insecure. Of those combos, shy w/security and gregarious w/ security are good at connectin. Either one of the insecure types have trouble.

A gregarious insecure type will be the life of the party but not able to give space to let people connect will since they are tyring to get attention to feed insecurities.

A shy insecure type will not even want to be in the open, such that people can't even try to connect to them. The insecurities in this case makes the person shy away.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Lola

Jim, I want you to notice we're not all screaming and fawning over you. I'm sitting quietly across the room...playing hard to get!

I had noticed you already... didn't you catch my steely glances back to you?

Originally Posted by Parthon

I'm a guy and even I'm tempted to scream and fawn.

Awesome music, totally awesome.

Thanks dude!

Originally Posted by wolfgang

Being shy can have two ways it goes.

Shy because of insecurities.
Or shy because you aren't one to need attention.

So, the first I would just call being insecure and the second is what I'd call shy. But, yeah, insecurity does not help you at all.

[Spiritual]

Well we can theorize the difference between insecure shyness and secure shyness all we want. But to be honest, I have yet to meet someone who is Shy but Secure.... Obviously we get to the discussion between being introvert or shy. In my experience shyness is always the insecure side, people are afraid to open up, and say what they want.
Introverted people are just to themselves and can't be bothered. Often this introvercy becomes shyness when someone is insecure.

The difference between shyness and being introverted is whether or not someone is conscious in being quiet, calm and to themselves.

Another thing I noticed is that with shy people it tends to be very hard to communicate and have a conversation. How romantic it may seem that it's like a present you can unwrap, communication is still essential for any relationship (romantic and non-romantic).

Like everything in life, there should be balance. It's far from bad to be calm, and not a shoutout, but when it becomes hard to communicate normally and to the point with you, it becomes a really annoying treat.

But that's just my experience and opinion

[JimOfferman]

Seems like your introverted is my shy and your shy is my insecure.

I'm shy/introverted but not shy/insecure.

[RichGrad]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

So why were people trying to make me see there is something wrong with me that I have to change because I'm shy? I looked "shy" and "introverted" up in the dictionary now, and there is no difference, they mean the same thing, and shy has several definitions.

I like being quiet and shy to the extent I am and I don't want to change and I don't need to, or to psychoanalyze myself to explain myself. I am comfortable in my skin and I don't care about anything else. If some shy person is bothered by his shyness or the results they bring him, let him change.

And guess what I think? Most people talk too much.

You don't have to change =)

[RichGrad]

I'm not saying that there are no payoffs for being shy. There certainly are! In fact my ex gf thought my shyness was really cute.

My point was that shyness can cause us to miss out on a lot of opportunities. And you may want to try "being on the other side" once in a while. That way you can make a more informed choice.

[Rose of Cairo]

Which MBTI type are you Jim? Just curious...

[cylon]

"Shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to." (morrissey)

I used to be VERY shy. I couldn't talk to people because I had a poor self image. As my self image got better, I became less shy. More assertive. More willing to make mistakes and say what was on my mind, because I realized that it wasn't that big of a deal.

But I am also introverted much of the time. I think a lot. Sometimes too much. But, it's different from being "shy" it just means you prefer to keep your own counsel. But at the same time in group or social settings, when someone "brings you in" to the conversation or whatever, it should be flawless, you just become an extrovert when occasion calls for it, without worrying how you're coming off.

That's how I am anyway. I think there's a big difference between shy and strong/silent.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Which MBTI type are you Jim? Just curious...

I'm a Teacher (ENFJ), which apparently makes me a male Oprah

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by RichGrad

That way you can make a more informed choice.

Agreed. I've been to the other side, but I didn't like it there.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

I'm a Teacher (ENFJ)

Then I'm sorry Jim, you'll have to marry me...

I thought you would be an I, since you're shy, which from your definition means introverted...

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Then I'm sorry Jim, you'll have to marry me...

Really? Sucks to be me!

I thought you would be an I, since you're shy, which from your definition means introverted...

Yeah, I was a little surprised about that too. But then I always get confused about what exactly it means to be introverted or extraverted.

[Rose of Cairo]

I use the definition that introverted people gain energy when alone and spend it when with other people, while extroverted people gain energy when with other people and spend it when alone.

I like that defintion because this way there is a clear distinction between being introverted, insecure, or reserved. I would say you're reserved, at least in the beginning.