A Letter to a Woman I Love

[Sly Apple Pie]

Recently, I've become close to a colleague at work. She is about fifteen years older than me, and has been divorced for about three years. For christmas, we agreed that we'd get each other a present this year.

I considered the usual stuff, but nothing felt "right." So instead I wanted to write the following letter. But there's two things I need to know:

(1) Would this make me look like a cheapskate; giving her a heartfelt, creative present as opposed to something more expensive?

(2) Considering we aren't going out with one another, but we are very close and very much in that "zone," is the letter coming on too strong?

Have a read and tell me what you think. I'm aware, for what it's worth, that some of it will not make sense to those of you who are not me or her.

JAN

I’ve spent hours sitting trying to think of what I could buy you for Christmas… I could get you something for your car, maybe. Or some nice candles. A fourth (fifth?!) mobile phone. A DVD. Or maybe I could just go down the “normal” route of buying you some perfume, or perhaps some really nice chocolates.

But then I thought about it for a while, and I realized that nothing I could buy you – nothing in the world - could possibly say what you mean to me. So instead, in this letter, I’m gonna try and say exactly what you do mean to me. In words, straight from the heart… So please bear with me.

Truth be told, when I first met you, I never had the best first impression of you. Never had the best second or third impression either. Used to think you seemed stuck-up, or ignorant. And as a quiet boy who was still relatively shy and socially inexperienced at the time, I used to think that you were the kind of person who I could never, ever get on with – not in a million years.

Over the past four months I’ve realized that I was so very, very wrong. More wrong than I’ve ever been. And I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

The truth is, you are one of the most kind and selfless people I have ever met. You are far from ignorant; you are caring and loving. You are independent, and you are strong of heart and mind. You are hilarious, and at times you probably don’t even realize it.

If there is a definition of the perfect woman, you are probably not far from it.

You have the nicest smile, the nicest hair, the nicest eyes and the nicest body. You don’t take life too seriously. You have fun and you are fun. You never seem to care about what other people think about you. You resonate this sense of complete and utter freedom in almost everything that you do.

And because of that, spending time with you is just a pleasure. When we talk, I want to talk to you for hours. And after we talk I want to think about you for hours. Even work is great when you’re around, and I actually look forward to being there when you’re there.

I love how passionate you are about your car. I love that you love good food. I love that you like to watch great movies. And I love that you give me little gifts, seemingly for no reason whatsoever. I love that you use your de-icer on my car, even when you’ve hardly got any left for yourself. I love that you cared enough to want to help me find a television for my mother. And I love your little subtleties; like the little funny voices you do when you’re being silly, the little in-jokes we have between us, and really little things like the little “x” you put on the end of every single txt message.

I guess what I’m trying to say is - in a very long and drawn-out kind of way – and despite how short a time I’ve known you – I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love you. And I love that I love you despite the fact that I never, ever thought that I would or could.

And I don’t ask that you feel the same way, and I don’t even ask that you be with me either. I certainly don’t ask that you change when you’re around me. I just want you to know, if you didn’t already know before.

I want you to know that you’re one of my favourite people on the entire planet. Probably my favourite person outside of my direct family. And I guess I hope that knowing that counts for far more than perfume, or chocolates, or any other expendable thing that I could have bought for you this Christmas.

I hope, most of all, that you have a brilliant Christmas, and that you have a fantastic new year. Because you really do deserve it.

A man named David Grayson once said of his life, “looking back, I have but one regret; that too often when I loved, I did not say so.” He also said that all we really need to survive is one person who truly loves us. Not for our looks, or for our money, but for who we really are, deep inside.

You have that person.

[nvictor]

If that letter, which I did not read, is destined to a woman you really care for, and what's more, a present for christmas, you should not have posted it in a public forum; at least, I should not, and she won't be happy too.

[Sly Apple Pie]

I'd love to know why.

[nvictor]

As a child and even now, I don't like my present to be "opened" by others first; it was not destined for them at the first place.

[caesar8181]

I tried something similar to this once with a 'symbloic present'.

It didnt go down too well. But then again it totally depends on the person you are doing this for.

[Sly Apple Pie]

Originally Posted by nvictor

As a child and even now, I don't like my present to be "opened" by others first; it was not destined for them at the first place.

Surely for me to wish to get the opinion of others first is a sign of greater care for what I am providing her?

I want to know if it's rubbish. Because I want to give her the best gift I can give.

[MyEyeIsOpen]

I think the energy is wrong. I can see that you're excited, and truthful, but I think you will scare her. Think of it this way: you have had months to ruminate on your excitement and passion, whereas she will experience it all at once when she reads this, and probably reject it because she is overwhelmed.

You can convey these feelings in a more natural way, and I hope you choose to do, because I think she's a good influence on you, and I don't want that to change for you.

Good luck.

[Flash1988]

Sorry to be sceptical but if you're in the friends zone I'm not sure if this will go down well.

Obviously all women are different. I may be wrong, sending that will engage her logically.. Women respond well to emotion.

Hope it works out well for you anyways whatever you do.

[Angela]

I think that's the best present ever. You are really giving from your heart, and it will mean so much to her.

I have one little suggestion for you:

Over the past four months I’ve realized that I was so very, very wrong. More wrong than I’ve ever been. And I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

I would suggest, "And I couldn't be more thankful that I was smart enough to realize how wrong I was," or something along those lines. Also, it might mean a lot to her if you tell her what the qualities you love so much in her mean to you.... like, you love her love of good food because it makes you feel luxurious... you were inspired by her overflowing generosity when she used her de-icer... you know what I mean? Actually letting her know what the real impact she has in your life. (It's great to hear about love, but it's also really nice to hear the details of what that love consists of. It's a girl thing. )

Anyway, that is a lovely, inspiring letter, and a great gift. It inspires me to write something for Danger Man!

[JimOfferman]

Sly,

I'm wondering: what do you mean to accomplish with this letter?

I would reconsider buying a gift. A gift is, in essence, a simple message: "I care about you." The problem (I see) with your letter is that it can mean so much more, perhaps more than it should mean. Or more to her than it means to you...

I shy away from love letters like these, because they have rarely accomplished the goals I had in mind when writing the letter. Thoughtful gifts just work so much better.

[Angela]

FOO on the naysayers! If I were that woman who received this letter, I would feel really, really good, whether I was romantically interested or wanted to remain in the friend zone -- no matter.

What better present is there than one that makes another person feel really, really good?

(ok, maybe real estate or jewelry.)

[wolfgang]

If you can't say what you wrote in the letter to her directly, then don't give her that letter. Better would be to be able to say what you wrote while giving her some thing. Plus - to tell someone you love them, I think before actually dating at least and kissing some is too soon to say that (maybe that's just me). You could say how you are attracted or she's your type or something that alludes to wanting to love her. Unless you aren't looking for a gf and just want to tell friend you love her, then that's a whole different story ( and probably not yours in this one)

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I love you. And I love that I love you despite the fact that I never, ever thought that I would or could.

"Trying" and "guessing" are not very reassuring words for telling someone you love them. Like, um, err, I think just maybe (and I'm just guessing) it might just be that I love you, kind of.

And also it almost seems like a put down "despite I though I never, ever would or could" - that puts red flags up.

Anyway, it would probably be better to write what you wrote without declaring love and maybe turn it all into a poem and also give her a tangiable gift with the poem. Chocolates and a poem would be cool. Or movie coupons that would mean you and her would use them together (hopefully).

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Funny, I could be wrong, but it looks like all the guys are saying no while the one woman, Angela, is saying a big yes.

Interesting.

As for me (female), I would really treasure that letter if I shared your feelings. If I didn't, I would feel really awkward and concerned about hurting you. That's a fine line to walk unless you are either sure of how she feels or don't have a problem with being rejected/living in awkwardness.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Angela

What better present is there than one that makes another person feel really, really good?

But that's just it! What if all these words end up making the person not feel good?

I can very well imagine how someone can feel taken completely off guard by such an all out declaration of love. Specially if it comes from someone who is a friend but not (yet) a lover.

I'll admit that I'm biased here, because this is the kind of letter that I burned my fingers on a couple of times. What I've taken away from those times is that it's just to big a bat to swat the fly...

...and that laser guided guns (called 'gifts') work way better!

[Sly Apple Pie]

Thanks to everyone for their opinions so far.

Originally Posted by wolfgang

And also it almost seems like a put down "despite I though I never, ever would or could" - that puts red flags up.

For what it's worth, our relationship got off to a poor start. We didn't come anywhere close to even being friends until about five or six months ago, having known each other for two years at work. That's what this line is referring to.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Sly Apple Pie

Thanks to everyone for their opinions so far.



For what it's worth, our relationship got off to a poor start. We didn't come anywhere close to even being friends until about five or six months ago, having known each other for two years at work. That's what this line is referring to.

Then it could be stated in a more optimistic way it seems. It comes across as, "gad, who'd have thought I'd be into you?". When you want it to come across as "wow, I'm really glad I've gotten to know you now after just seeing you around work and like what I see."

[Sly Apple Pie]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

But that's just it! What if all these words end up making the person not feel good?

I can very well imagine how someone can feel taken completely off guard by such an all out declaration of love. Specially if it comes from someone who is a friend but not (yet) a lover.

I understand where you're coming from here.

As I say in the letter, I don't need her to be reciprocative. But it's true, at the same time, that I don't want to ruin the friendship.

She knows how I feel anyway. And I, she. It's just unspoken thus far. Perhaps because we're both relatively shy, to an extent. Maybe it's true that a letter is not the best way to do it, but by the same token I feel that it may not be the worst.

[Bliss Sage]

I agree with Angela.
And I also was thinking all of those who say it's a bad idea were men...

[Sly Apple Pie]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

Then it could be stated in a more optimistic way it seems. It comes across as, "gad, who'd have thought I'd be into you?". When you want it to come across as "wow, I'm really glad I've gotten to know you now after just seeing you around work and like what I see."

Well, taken out of context, I agree with you. But in the context of:

Truth be told, when I first met you, I never had the best first impression of you. Never had the best second or third impression either. Used to think you seemed stuck-up, or ignorant. And as a quiet boy who was still relatively shy and socially inexperienced at the time, I used to think that you were the kind of person who I could never, ever get on with – not in a million years.

Over the past four months I’ve realized that I was so very, very wrong. More wrong than I’ve ever been. And I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

The truth is, you are one of the most kind and selfless people I have ever met. You are far from ignorant; you are caring and loving. You are independent, and you are strong of heart and mind. You are hilarious, and at times you probably don’t even realize it.

I personally disagree that it isn't "optimistic," as you label it.

[Sly Apple Pie]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

I agree with Angela.
I also was thinking all of those who say it's a bad idea were men...

It's a fascinating split, but a massively aggitating one at the same time because I have no idea which perspective is the most reliable... The men, who speak from the experience of giving. Or the women, who speak from the experience of receiving.

Why can't these things be simple

[Flash1988]

I can't speak for anyone. I'm sure many females would gently (or not) blow him off (no pun intended haha).

We all have our opinions... I've been studying social dynamics for a long time now.

If anyone has read 'BLINK' by Maxwell Gladwell you will probably realise where I'm coming from.

Women may say "yes, I'd love that as a Christmas gift" and some might. It's kind of hypocritical that I am also explaining this logically.

Anyway, women saying yes are going into it rationally and saying how they imagine they would respond.

This isn't directed to you Apple Pie. It might apply to you, it might not... I don't even know your whole situation so don't take it personally.

Orbiters
Many guys get stuck in the friends zone thinking one day the woman will realise that HE IS THE ONE.

The woman thinks she's got a great friend, she has.. But he thinks there's more to it.

One day the guy jumps out and tells her how he feels and that he wants to be her boyfriend or whatever and that he loves her and she has a natural tendency to back off and ignore him entirely.

The guy can waste years of his life trying to win her over and constantly thinking about her. This is one-itis.

In a way it's really annoying but I feel kind of sorry for people like this. The way we've grown up and social conditioning has really not helped this.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Sly Apple Pie

I understand where you're coming from here.

As I say in the letter, I don't need her to be reciprocative. But it's true, at the same time, that I don't want to ruin the friendship.

She knows how I feel anyway. And I, she. It's just unspoken thus far. Perhaps because we're both relatively shy, to an extent. Maybe it's true that a letter is not the best way to do it, but by the same token I feel that it may not be the worst.

I would save this letter until after she has reciprocated your affection. To me, it just feels like to much of a good thing.

I'd try a subtler approach first (assuming you haven't already). Suggestion: buy her a new bottle of de-icer (since she used almost all of hers on your car) and pair that with a sweet-and-funny card that says something like "So you can save me from winter once more." That'd be the general idea anyway...

It says all the things your letter would say, without drilling it in.

[Flash1988]

Originally Posted by Sly Apple Pie

It's a fascinating split, but a massively aggitating one at the same time because I have no idea which perspective is the most reliable... The men, who speak from the experience of giving. Or the women, who speak from the experience of receiving.

Why can't these things be simple

If you do send the letter, will you let us (or me) know how it turns out?.. I wont criticize whatever the outcome. I'm genuinely interested. If not, I still respect that.

GL


Kris

[Sly Apple Pie]

I must stress that the friendship we have is not purely platonic. The attraction isn't even in question, and in response to an earlier post, we have kissed on several occasions. Although we haven't had sex.

Perhaps the difference between the males and females here comes in the interpretation of the word "love." At no point do I say, "I'm madly in love with you, I want your babies and I want to marry you RIGHT NOW."

[Sly Apple Pie]

Originally Posted by Flash1988

If you do send the letter, will you let us (or me) know how it turns out?.. I wont criticize whatever the outcome. I'm genuinely interested. If not, I still respect that.

GL


Kris

Of course I will.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Sly Apple Pie

Perhaps the difference between the males and females here comes in the interpretation of the word "love." At no point do I say, "I'm madly in love with you, I want your babies and I want to marry you RIGHT NOW."

Particularly since she mentioned that she's 15 years older than you -- I think the likelihood of her welcoming and appreciating your sentiment without freaking out about unwelcome schmoop is much greater in an experienced woman.

If it were a 20-year old woman we were talking about, the freak-out tendency might be higher.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

The fact that the attraction is known to be mutual puts me further to the side of yes.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Sly Apple Pie

Why can't these things be simple

So here's what I learned through many mistakes: these things called human relationships are simple. Simple as in short to-the-point information works, lengthy prose breeds confusion. Simple as in state what you want and you'll get what you want.

Simplicity rules the universe. In design it is called "less is more." In software they adhere to the KISS principle ("keep it simple, stupid" - don't introduce any unneeded complexity). Occam's razor theorem also claims that the simplest explanation is often true...

Simple = best!

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by Sly Apple Pie

It's a fascinating split, but a massively aggitating one at the same time because I have no idea which perspective is the most reliable... The men, who speak from the experience of giving. Or the women, who speak from the experience of receiving.

Why can't these things be simple

Well, in this case, it's a good idea for you to consider her. We don't know what those other guys wrote to their girlfriends. Maybe we wouldn't like their letters . Likewise, we don't know their girlfriends. Maybe their girlfriends were materialistic and they wanted some kind of expensive jewlery. You must know your girlfriend to some extent, what do you think she would prefer? I would love your letter, but lots of girls might like material things more.

[MyEyeIsOpen]

You have all the input you need -- let us know what happens.