A Letter to a Woman I Love

[Spirittap]

Sounds like you really do love her. If you have already kissed as you've said then i think she'd be understanding if she were to be overwhelmed by your letter. I would go ahead with it if i was feeling that strongly for someone who is single. The question you need to ask yourself is would you be ok with just being friends with her?

I don't see the age difference as a problem. I've dated a woman 17 years older than me. Age is just a number. We've lived many many life times before this. Love is all that matters.

[Terumoto]

If it's not too late, I have a suggestion that might set up a bit of a safety net for you. Obviously, you know her best and you probably have chosen to say things that you think she would be comfortable reading, but...

Maybe you should take out the part where you talk about being with her. Just that couple of words.

If you take that out, then if she doesn't recipricate your feelings, you can pass the letter off as an expression of your non-romantic love, and your relationship won't be affected in a negative way.

Just an idea.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Angela

FOO on the naysayers! If I were that woman who received this letter, I would feel really, really good, whether I was romantically interested or wanted to remain in the friend zone -- no matter.

What better present is there than one that makes another person feel really, really good?

(ok, maybe real estate or jewelry.)

It's the passion behind it. Of course, I thought it was adorable when I received a text message of, "im naked and the cats locked in the bathroom. come over."

Also a good gift: Ipod!!!

[uberinquisitive]

I'm a girl...and unless this guy is my bf of at least 1 month...I would FREAK OUT!!!!!!!!!! (in a bad way).

Letter like this are quite intimate. Would you write a similar letter to a male friend who is also very close to you? If not, then you should not give it to a female friend.

I suggest you get her a more neutral gift (NotesMaeve's suggestion of iPod was great), with a warm card. But...when you give the gift to her, tell her the stuff you wrote in your letter. In letter form, it's too intense. But spoken, the words can sound much more causal and platonic.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

But spoken, the words can sound much more causal and platonic.

Is that a freudian slip? Cuz those words indeed might be very causal! Who knows what they might cause?

Zorba the Greek said the only sin god won't forgive is to leave a woman who wants you alone in her bed. I think the greatest sin -- that is, the thing one would most regret on his death bed -- is to have dearly loved someone, and not expressed it fully to her.

[Spirittap]

Hmm, if they have a good connection and have already kissed, but are not dating eachother or in a relationship then there must be a good reason. Maybe you should start by seeing if she is interested instead of expressing exactly how you feel. Maybe you'd feel differently after dating her for awhile.

Fill me in if i don't understand the situation completely.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by MyEyeIsOpen

You have all the input you need -- let us know what happens.

Uh, may I add my input too?

What a loooovely letter! I don't think it's too much passionate. I'm a woman, and that's approximately the way I feel when I have a middle crush on someone, so it's nothing that will make her have an hysteric attack, don't worry... It's just very sincere, and really lovely. Give it to her!

Maybe I'm biased because I don't like to be given any material objects, but such a letter would mean to me much, much more than any gift on the world! Even if I'm not into that guy. So what? It's very nice to be said such things, even if you're not in love with the person. The gift is for her to feel good, not for him to get some romantic results!

And if she feels bad because of being loved in such a great way, well, then she has problems with receiving love! (which means she would also have problems with giving love, so it's better if nothing happens between you).

I agree with Angela about that you're glad that you were smart enough to realize how wrong you were. I also agree with her that you should explain why the qualities you listed about her are so great or are particularly important to you. Just enumerating some qualities is not enough, explain how you feel about it, how she makes you feel in her presence because of having these qualities. If a man tells me "you're so independent!" maybe for him that means a lot, but if he doesn't say so, I'll think "so what?". But if he says "you're so independent, with you I feel like we're two birds flying in the sky!" I think "aaawwww...."

I have a few suggestions more. Sorry, I'm going to be straightforward!

- I would not talk in a dismissive way about the "normal route". Imagine how she would feel if she has chosen this normal route and just bought you a gift...
- I would skip "In words, straight from the heart… So please bear with me." Sounds insecure. There's no need to apologize for your feelings. That it comes from your heart is obvious anyway.
- I would also skip "in a very long and drawn-out kind of way". Sounds a bit self-degrading too. You're telling her lots of compliments, then you dismiss them as just a long and awkward way to tell her that you love her? That devaluates the compliments! Let them be what they are, they're lovely.
- I would also skip "despite how short a time I’ve known you". There is love at first sight, and besides you have known her for a long time. That bit of sentence makes you sound insecure again.
- I would skip "or could". why, well.. imagine she's a bit insecure herself (since you are, and you said you're both shy, I guess she's too). Plus she's 15 years older than you. For you it doesn't matter, but for her? She could interpret the "I would never have thought that I could love you" in a way you don't want her to interpret it! "Would" is perfectly ok since you honestly had no good first impression of her. But I wouldn't say "could".
- I would skip the whole paragraph "And I don’t ask that you feel the same way, and I don’t even ask that you be with me either. I certainly don’t ask that you change when you’re around me. I just want you to know, if you didn’t already know before." No need to make excuses or make yourself small! That you want her to know is obvious since you're telling her. Just let her know what you feel, there is no need to tell her that you just let her know. I guess this is to make her feel free. Well the best way is not to say anything about it.
- Maybe it's my english, but can't "You are hilarious, and at times you probably don’t even realize it." be misinterpreted as "you are ridiculous and at times you probably don't even realize it"? I would say something about that she has such a great sense of humour instead of "you're hilarious". But maybe I'm wrong here.
- I would skip "Probably my favourite person outside of my direct family." Dunno why exactly. Maybe it sounds a bit dependent. Maybe it sounds like she's not as important as your family. Maybe it sounds like she's your favourite toy, haha. "you're one of my favourite persons on this planet" is good. But this second sentence... I wouldn't like it at all if a guy wrote me that!

Well that's all. It's a really lovely letter and I stronly encourage you to give it to her!

Let us know!

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by Spirittap

Maybe you should start by seeing if she is interested instead of expressing exactly how you feel.

Why? Expressing exactly how he feels is beautiful, loving and courageous. Why should he first make sure that he's not taking too big of a risk?? Taking risks is sexy. And if she's not interested, so what? There won't be an earthquake...

[Lola]

I was dating a guy last year who was 15 years younger than me, a guy I'd known professionally for three years - wait a minute - is your name Nick? Sorry - but the similarities are freaky. My point is, had I received this letter, I would have positively swooned. Angela's right, the freakout potential will definitely be less with an *older woman*. (We have a great appreciation for sweet sincerity and generally speaking aren't looking for anyone to settle down and have babies with).

That said, I do encourage you to take some of Rose's edit suggestions to heart. It always takes fewer words to say everything in our hearts than we think it does.

Good luck sly guy!

[cylon]

She's the girl. It's her job to write you notes like that. It's your job to just be a cool guy and bring that sort of thing out of HER. Buy her a cute little trinket and don't say that sort of thing until she says it first.

You're not leaving much to the imagination. You're better off if she is wondering about how you feel about her. Actions over words. SHOW her by your actions that you like being with her.

In my opinion that will scare her off... this is the sort of thing that ends with "thanks for the note, and I hope you and I can always be good friends."

Don't do it.

[Spirittap]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

Why? Expressing exactly how he feels is beautiful, loving and courageous. Why should he first make sure that he's not taking too big of a risk?? Taking risks is sexy. And if she's not interested, so what? There won't be an earthquake...

Good points, but our perception of ppl may change when have an intimate relationship with them. I've found that a lot of ppl put on a mask when they go outside and take it off when they're at home. It seems the only place he's been around her is at work (fill me in if he said different).

[Sly Apple Pie]

Originally Posted by cylon

She's the girl. It's her job to write you notes like that. It's your job to just be a cool guy and bring that sort of thing out of HER. Buy her a cute little trinket and don't say that sort of thing until she says it first.

You're not leaving much to the imagination. You're better off if she is wondering about how you feel about her. Actions over words. SHOW her by your actions that you like being with her.

I disagree, my approach with women has never faltered in the past. I don't like all this new-age "how to attract women" rubbish. And I certainly don't like the concept of "it's your job just to be a cool guy and bring that sort of thing out of HER." That's a selfish, one-way approach in my opinion. Love is surely as much about giving as receiving.

I don't care if it turns her off to me because it isn't "attractive" or whatever. That's not the point. I want to give her something that really makes her feel great about herself. Something that makes her feel special. Even if it ends with "I just want to be friends;" that's okay.

To tell someone you are close to that you love them for who they are, I would have thought, is an act of great feel-goodery for both, as long as it is expressed correctly (which is the most important thing of all, and which is why I posted it up here first). It just feels like a great thing to give, so why shouldn't it be an equally great thing to receive?

I'd like to say thanks (so much) for all the advice in this thread. I've read every last word in here over and over again, for and against, and whilst I'm still in two minds, I now have a clear picture of the potential outcomes of this; and that is massively important to me. Rose of Cairo, your post in particular was absolutely wonderful.

Thank you.

I'm working 12-8 today (by the British clock!) so when I get in I'll try to make amendments to what I've written based on what I've read. I'll maybe post up a bit of backstory too if I get time, just to make things a bit clearer. The truth is that I don't know, yet, whether I'll go ahead with this. I'll follow my instincts, and I'll make a choice. I don't believe in the concept of right choice/wrong choice, just the choice I make and the choice I don't make. And whichever choice I do make, I just hope that it makes her feel great, and with a bit of luck, that it may even bring me a little closer to her.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Sly Apple Pie

I don't believe in the concept of right choice/wrong choice, just the choice I make and the choice I don't make.

I'm with you there! The only wrong "choice" is not to choose at all.

And whichever choice I do make, I just hope that it makes her feel great, and with a bit of luck, that it may even bring me a little closer to her.

I have my fingers crossed for you! Good luck!

Jim.

[cylon]

If your instincts are so dead on then why are you asking the help of a message board? Why are you hesitating? Because you care about the outcome. But you're saying you don't care about the outcome. You say you've never faltered with women before--but in your letter you say you're shy and inexperienced.

You want to express just how you feel--yet you need the help of strangers to help you accomplish that. You seem to be able to express yourself quite well without help? Don't worry about it--I do the same thing.

If you really don't care if she stays attracted to you or not, then go ahead and give her that letter, I agree you should do what you feel like doing. I was under the impression that you wanted to further this relationship with this woman romantically, but if you're cool with just friendship then that's what you should do. If you're coming from a place of confidence, and don't care about the outcome, then just do what feels right. Just know that things are going good between you ALREADY, and doing something like this has a very real chance of destroying the relationship you have built between the two of you in an extremely short time. I can't read what you wrote and NOT say this because I can it turning out wrong. I am seriously trying to save you some heartache here.

Have you considered taking her out for a nice romantic christmas dinner or something? Maybe take it up a step without pouring out all your feelings to her? And if you HAVE to tell her you love her and kill all the mystery between you two-- couldn't you tell her in PERSON at this nice romantic dinner and see the reaction in her eyes? Don't you think she'd appreciate you telling her in person more than a letter? It's not too late.

Doing this sort of thing has NEVER EVER EVER worked for me, or any of the men I know. Ever.

Hope it works out for you in any case.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by caesar8181

I tried something similar to this once...It didnt go down too well.

Originally Posted by MyEyeIsOpen

...I think you will scare her.

Originally Posted by Flash1988

Sorry to be sceptical but if you're in the friends zone I'm not sure if this will go down well....sending that will engage her logically.. Women respond well to emotion.

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

I shy away from love letters like these, because they have rarely accomplished the goals I had in mind when writing the letter.

Originally Posted by wolfgang

If you can't say what you wrote in the letter to her directly, then don't give her that letter....to tell someone you love them, I think before actually dating at least and kissing some is too soon to say that (maybe that's just me).

Originally Posted by Flash1988

...One day the guy jumps out and tells her how he feels and that he wants to be her boyfriend or whatever and that he loves her and she has a natural tendency to back off and ignore him entirely.

The guy can waste years of his life trying to win her over...

Where do you think this stuff comes from? Why do you think I AM echoing these sentiments? Because I've experienced them first hand, and these lessons HURT. I have done things like this. And I thought it was "different" she was "different". It wasn't. She wasn't.

Have you ever had something go romantically wrong with a co-worker? I hope not. I have. It SUCKS. Sucks donkeys. The wonderful "friend" you get to see everyday can turn into the uncomfrortable experience and the person you "have" to see everyday.

And the cool thing is, right now, you don't have to experience it. At this point, you can STILL just have a good time with her, kiss her, maybe get more physical. Too soon. Too too soon.

Don't take this harshly, because I am trying to save you LOTS of pain--you say you don't care but you do. You care very deeply and as a man you need to have a little armor on that heart or you WILL get burned dude. But sometimes you have to get burned before it actually sinks in.

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

And I also was thinking all of those who say it's a bad idea were men...

Damn straight.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Sly Apple Pie

Well, taken out of context, I agree with you. But in the context of:

I personally disagree that it isn't "optimistic," as you label it.

I think I was suggesting to make it MORE optimistic. Still, it carries judgmental statements. Maybe it's ok sense it's not currently how you see her. But, it's one thing to say I'm shy and thought you were out of my league (which is another can of worms) yet another to say stuff like "you give off a bad first impression" - can't you see those statements (even in context) as put downs. I don't think it's truer either. She didn't give you bad first impressions, you were having you own judgements or insecurities, perhaps.

[DayInTheLife]

When I first read the letter I thought it was too much, but having seen the female response, I'd say go for it.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Funny, I could be wrong, but it looks like all the guys are saying no while the one woman, Angela, is saying a big yes.

Interesting.

As for me (female), I would really treasure that letter if I shared your feelings. If I didn't, I would feel really awkward and concerned about hurting you. That's a fine line to walk unless you are either sure of how she feels or don't have a problem with being rejected/living in awkwardness.

Actually me as a guy didn't say don't use the letter, but did say change it to a poem with a gift. I did say no to devolging so much of the "I love you" stuff though. There can be a fun period of falling in love - that hasn't happened on both sides or isn't the right time to declare, even if it is true that both are in love. Got date and hug and kiss and then really fall in love, then it will roll off your tongue - "I love you"

[cylon]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

She didn't give you bad first impressions, you were having you own judgements or insecurities, perhaps.

That's a great observation, took me awhile for this to click in my own life. Many women I thought were stuck up or mean, was really me not thinking they would be attracted. It's a self-defense mechanism.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Sly Apple Pie

I must stress that the friendship we have is not purely platonic. The attraction isn't even in question, and in response to an earlier post, we have kissed on several occasions. Although we haven't had sex.

Perhaps the difference between the males and females here comes in the interpretation of the word "love." At no point do I say, "I'm madly in love with you, I want your babies and I want to marry you RIGHT NOW."

This is adifferent picture than the original start of this thread where it sounded like you two are not even going out or dating or anything. Kissing sounds like there's a relationship going. Give her a real gift and your letter, without the "I love you" and without the judgements you used to have. And find a way to say "I love you", instead of using a letter to do that for you.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by cylon

She's the girl. It's her job to write you notes like that. It's your job to just be a cool guy and bring that sort of thing out of HER. Buy her a cute little trinket and don't say that sort of thing until she says it first.

You're not leaving much to the imagination. You're better off if she is wondering about how you feel about her. Actions over words. SHOW her by your actions that you like being with her.

In my opinion that will scare her off... this is the sort of thing that ends with "thanks for the note, and I hope you and I can always be good friends."

Don't do it.

Just had a reaction to this. Girl's job to write the notes? No it's not. What do you think all the guy's writing rock songs are doing? They are swooning the ladies. Guys can write notes just as much a girls, and should. Its terrible that there's a conditioning that tells guys to not write words to there gfs. I stared writing to girls because they started it, and I thought why not return the favour? And "trinkets" - yuk. like dust collecters that sit on a shelf to look "pretty" - how wants that junk?

[Angela]

I'm in complete agreement with Rose's edit suggestions -- they're right on.

The "we're just trying to save you from a world of hurt, man" responses are based on a fear approach to romantic love. And if you're living and expressing yourself fully and authentically, and generating a space of freedom for yourself and for the people you encounter, there really is nothing to fear. You be your best self, you express yourself fully, and you accept people exactly as they are and exactly as they are not. In that model, there is no such thing as "rejection" or romantic agony -- you simply accept that a particular person doesn't wish to be your romantic partner at this time. Nuthin' wrong with that unless you make it wrong.

It sounds to me like the OP is doing his utmost to create a space of freedom for this woman. His desire to let her know how good he feels about her == how FREE he desires to be in feeling and living a life he loves == this is something that really appeals to me and to many of the women who have responded here who want to generate the same thing in our own lives. I think we women in the "maybe 15 years older" category can really appreciate the beauty and rarity of a man who is free, because we encounter so many of the fear-based-approach men.

Being free, connected, and joyful, and expressing himself to the point of what some of you would consider folly, is what made me meld my heart with Danger Man's. He stood out among men like a shining beacon of light.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

Just had a reaction to this. Girl's job to write the notes? No it's not. What do you think all the guy's writing rock songs are doing? They are swooning the ladies. Guys can write notes just as much a girls, and should. Its terrible that there's a conditioning that tells guys to not write words to there gfs. I stared writing to girls because they started it, and I thought why not return the favour? And "trinkets" - yuk. like dust collecters that sit on a shelf to look "pretty" - how wants that junk?

I'm sorry, I was under the impression that she was NOT his girlfriend.

[JSB]

Dear Sly Apple Pie,

If you are still interested in getting feedback, my opinion is: don't send this letter to her.

There is passion and love behind this letter, and that is good, but it seems to me that letters "baring one's soul" and putting everything out there are usually written for the benefit of the sender rather than the recipient.

The love, passion and desire behind a letter like this may be absolutely sincere and incredibly powerful, but the subtext of such letters tends to emphasize the writer's desire to express himself rather than the love that he is trying to express -- it can come across (unintentionally) more as focused on stabilizing the writer's emotional equilibrium than on communicating love to the recipient.

And, yes, most women I know would be freaked out by this unless it were sent by: 1. a boyfriend, or 2. someone she was already in love with.
I know that doesn't mean every woman would react this way, but it's helpful to keep in mind.

If you are determined to send it, my advice would be to trim it down a bit (as another poster wrote: K.I.S.S.), remove anything that may express indecision or lack of confidence, and focus on the emotions and the heart energy --- expressing yours sincerely and directly, and synchronizing with or awakening hers sincerely and directly. Really put yourself in her place and imagine receiving a letter like this --- how would she (not YOU, HER) feel? How would she react? What would feel too aggressive? What would resonate with similar feelings of love within her?

One more thing: you can give her a traditional gift in addition to a letter. I would recommend it; the letter is for YOU to express your love to her, the gift is for HER to receive unconditionally.

I hope you don't interpret what I've written as criticism; I don't mean it that way. It is obvious that you are sincere and passionate and have deep feelings for this woman --- just be sure that whatever you do is helping your relationship rather than hindering it.

Whatever you choose, I wish you the best of luck in your relationship with her!

[cylon]

Originally Posted by Angela

The "we're just trying to save you from a world of hurt, man" responses are based on a fear approach to romantic love.

And experience. Everyone has fear when it comes to romantic love, men and women. What is that supposed to mean? It wouldn't be exciting if there weren't an element of danger and fear there. It's about making the right choices, WHILE you are feeling that fear. And he's afraid of what's going to happen with this letter. Maybe you've been "friend-zoned" Angela, I know it happens between both sexes--just happens more with men. It's not fun. And it's not necessay either. Unless you know what it's like to be a man Angela?

Originally Posted by Angela

And if you're living and expressing yourself fully and authentically, and generating a space of freedom for yourself and for the people you encounter

<---then you wouldn't post a love letter asking for people's advice. You would just do it. He's scared. It's natural.

Originally Posted by Angela

You be your best self, you express yourself fully, and you accept people exactly as they are and exactly as they are not. In that model, there is no such thing as "rejection" or romantic agony -- you simply accept that a particular person doesn't wish to be your romantic partner at this time. Nuthin' wrong with that unless you make it wrong.

Absolutely fantastic and healthy outlook, can't disagree at all. It's also an ideal that takes lots and lots of heartache and rejection to reach. You have to be at the place where rejection doesn't hurt--and I think that only comes from being rejected and knowing you're going to make it out alive.

Originally Posted by Angela

It sounds to me like the OP is doing his utmost to create a space of freedom for this woman. His desire to let her know how good he feels about her == how FREE he desires to be in feeling and living a life he loves

Is asking for heartache.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

Actually me as a guy didn't say don't use the letter, but did say change it to a poem with a gift. I did say no to devolging so much of the "I love you" stuff though. There can be a fun period of falling in love - that hasn't happened on both sides or isn't the right time to declare, even if it is true that both are in love. Got date and hug and kiss and then really fall in love, then it will roll off your tongue - "I love you"

I didn't mean to misrepresent you. I apologize.

Sly, I think tweaking a couple of things like Rose suggested is a great idea. And being and creating freedom like Angela mentioned takes away all of the chance of awkwardness and leaves you with the expression of your true feelings without expectation. That is a beautiful place to be.

I wish you the best. I can't wait to hear what happens!

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by cylon

That's a great observation, took me awhile for this to click in my own life. Many women I thought were stuck up or mean, was really me not thinking they would be attracted. It's a self-defense mechanism.

Nice tie in - hadn't seen the self-defense part of that dynamic. Yeah, thinking they wouldn't be attracted is also a form of putting them on a pedastal and kind of bowing down to a god of some kind. "I'm not worthy". That's a hard projection to have someone live up to. And actually romanitc love that is overwhelming puts on rose colored glasses just like that. But then to protect yourself one them will degrade this image of the other as judgements, being scared of putting your emotional energy into the exalted pedastal image of the other since you know it's not real but you are falling for that image you created in your head. anyway - that dynamic probably shows up at some point during a courting/dating phase.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Angela

The "we're just trying to save you from a world of hurt, man" responses are based on a fear approach to romantic love. And if you're living and expressing yourself fully and authentically, and generating a space of freedom for yourself and for the people you encounter, there really is nothing to fear. You be your best self, you express yourself fully, and you accept people exactly as they are and exactly as they are not. In that model, there is no such thing as "rejection" or romantic agony -- you simply accept that a particular person doesn't wish to be your romantic partner at this time. Nuthin' wrong with that unless you make it wrong.

Romantic rejection is non-existant in a non fear based approach? OK. And the antidote is expressing oneself fully and authentically? It could be that the fear exists because of attachments that naturally occur with falling in love. It could be better to say that it's not a "fear based approach to romantic love" but a "paralizing response to the fear that shows up when courting". It's risky bussiness to invest some feelings and maybe have to move on. There's always a bit of attachment and a rejection against attachement causes withdrawl like symptoms. The deal is to not get paralized by that - to not get into thinking you will have a hard time being turned down - be optimistic.

Being free, connected, and joyful, and expressing himself to the point of what some of you would consider folly, is what made me meld my heart with Danger Man's. He stood out among men like a shining beacon of light.

Cool. I see it as courageous.

[cylon]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

Thinking they wouldn't be attracted is also a form of putting them on a pedastal and kind of bowing down to a god of some kind. "I'm not worthy". That's a hard projection to have someone live up to. And actually romanitc love that is overwhelming puts on rose colored glasses just like that. But then to protect yourself one them will degrade this image of the other as judgements, being scared of putting your emotional energy into the exalted pedastal image of the other since you know it's not real but you are falling for that image you created in your head. anyway - that dynamic probably shows up at some point during a courting/dating phase.

Yeah man, that is spot on. All in your head. And it makes it very difficult to actually get to KNOW the real person.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Angela

It sounds to me like the OP is doing his utmost to create a space of freedom for this woman. His desire to let her know how good he feels about her == how FREE he desires to be in feeling and living a life he loves == this is something that really appeals to me and to many of the women who have responded here who want to generate the same thing in our own lives. I think we women in the "maybe 15 years older" category can really appreciate the beauty and rarity of a man who is free, because we encounter so many of the fear-based-approach men.

I'm with Angela ~ send the letter!