Friendship improvement

[Flash1988]

Monday morning, 7:22. I've lay in bed for hours not being able to sleep. I had to get up and write this. I'm 19 years young guy just for the reference.

What I want to know is...

How can I know if I piss someone off or bother them in some way if they don't tell me? This is what I think might be the case in two of my social circles. I value friendships with others a lot. I subscribe to the old "Your communication is the response you get" and I like to take on responsibility on how I cause people to respond to me.

I understand it's not always me, everyone has blindspots and things they do but I don't want to just keep "silent problems" silent (even though I do), I want to fix things or at least be aware of them so they don't come up again.

I don't beat myself up about it either, I will sometimes just say "whatever, tomorrow they will be fine" and sometimes they are.

I know we all have problems but surely there's people with extremely healthy relationships out there.

Kind of how Tony Robbins does a seminar where a couple feel like getting a divorce and he gets the woman shouting and blaming him. The husband has to stand there and take it and know in the moment that the love he has for her is powerful. He just has to "be present" and listen to her. Even though she does everythign in her power to push him away.

You could just "move on" and leave her because she's acting like that or you can take responsibility.

It's like that but in a friendship sense. I want to take responsibility and fix silly problems instead of just saying "whatever, it's their issue".

I want to be the one that my friends love to be around and love talking to. If there's a problem or something pissing them off how can I get them to tell me. Especially if I'm the one bothering them somehow.

I'm going to ask one of my friends if I was "being a dick" to him when I get chance today. Instead of blaming or accusing him. I've known this guy for a very long time. I just wanna improve my friendships.


Please help. Thanks

[Bliss Sage]

Hello Flash1988,

I have extensive experience at what you are wanting to do. I don't really recommend it, though, unless you have decent control, which I guess I don't.

If you want to know when one of your friends is pissed off, or feeling any other way, watch them, take notice of their behavior, their facial expressions, their tone of voice, their body language. It's not too difficult. Even better, feel what they are feeling.

This comes with a little warning, though, even if you are able to detect something is not right with them, you can only guess at what is causing it. I have made a lot of mistakes guessing at what is disturbing someone, although I have guessed more often right than wrong, you must realize that you can't know 100% what the cause is. It could be you, or it could be some person from work that they just ran into...you have to be careful about drawing conclusions about the reason. The best way is to ask. That doesn't simplify much, because lots of people lie and don't want to admit if you are the one who upset them. You have to accept what they answer, reserve your decision on whether it's true or not and usually time will reveal whether it is true or not.

To be honest, I have been trying to effect the "well, it's their problem" approach that you want to abandon. If people share their problems with you and let you in on their deep, dark secrets and start confiding things in you that they don't tell to anyone else...the fact is, you can't do anything to help them, yet you get drawn in to their lives and become somehow expected to do something and to always be there...and when you leave their presence, your mind is left in all of their heavy problems or miseries and you feel bad because you can't help them. That's why I said you have to be able to control it well...or not get with people who only come to you to vent their miseries and also don't want to get passed them.

In a nutshell, you just need to be perceptive. Good luck .

[Flash1988]

Hey Bliss, I forgot to thank you for your response.

I'm being vague but I think it's a case of being more flexible in my communication. Assertiveness, calibration and as you say, perception.

For the record, my friend didn't say anything was wrong, seemed interested in why but I explained things, we're cool. It could have just been something I projected.

I think what I'm on about here is 'Feedback Communication'.

If anyone wants to follow up or comment, you're more than welcome.

Cheers

[uberinquisitive]

When I have problems in my life, there are some people who are like logs in the fire. They are usually very close friends and family, and they seem to make the problem even more intense, because I interact with them a lot and they are mirror to my own flaws. So...my avoiding them or being snappy has nothing to do with them. It is my own way of dealing with life.

Perhaps your friend is this way?