the dumpee in love with a broken man

[Marian]

Ok. So I am not in the healthiest relationship- i am basically not really in a relationship right know but please hear me out.

My story is the typical high school love, on and off relationship for 8 yrs. He dumps me almost every year then comes back at almost exactly 3 months; the reason? he is terrified of commitment and he can’t really hack it- basically an immature insecure selfish guy really. last time he dumped me, he criticized me, but since I have a good self-esteem, so I was like whatever, bye. I confess it’s tiresome because I am too aware that the “healthiest” thing to do is to not forgive his dumps & look for a stable man in my life. My current ex, says he loves me, wants to marry me (in the future, of course*), and accepts he has a problem, he is a commitment phobic man, he suffers from panic attacks, has started drinking and is really a very lost soul (he believes = has faith in nothing)…

BACKGROUND: He is the youngest child (the oops!) and his parents are quite old and he has grown up basically alone (cuz his brothers moved out before him); I believe they have been quite strict with him and his parents fight a lot- my ex fears getting into a relationship where there’s no love, just fighting. He sees commitment literally as a death sentence. Yet this is ironic because we have been together since 1997, and even on and off, we have been together most of the time (off being three months).

But I do love him with all my heart. And I believe that as long as I have not given up on our love, it’s always worth it. Of course, within limits. I do not accept him sleeping around (which he does not do), he does not abuse me and even though he started drinking he is not an alcoholic. He usually dumps me when he’s tired of everything; and it comes without warning! I know it’s not fair to me & he knows that as well (he feels bad about the whole situation). But I do not want to give up on him as I believe things can change. We both are in the point of our lives where we must chose future jobs soon & be more independent (from our parents). I myself need to get a license & a car (because when we were together he would drive me from the university to my house daily). He has felt pressure from me as well, since I am demanding. I myself am not a saint- I have hurt him as well and I feel he has harbored resentment. (e.j. last time he dumped me he was angry at me, as if displacing anger; like if I was manipulating him & he had no control over his life). He feels I want him to be someone he can’t be & he wants to be with me without pressure. I had been demanding to the point of telling him that I wanted to get married at 28 top 29 yrs. He dully accepted. His mother is also very very manipulative- he believes I am like her (I think our relationship will become better once he moves out of his parents house). I also relied on him for everything (car, $$$, I complained all the time to him)… & I think it better for us to try to get back together when I do have a car and he has developed internal trust in himself and strength. Literally, last time I hugged him, he said: “You hold a broken man”. If the case was that he had to go to a psychiatrist, he would not take pills, because of his panic attacks. I really think it’s a thing he has to work out internally. & I think I should give him even more breathing space so he basically grows up without me trying to lead him (I know- one cannot change another person).

Finally I responded to a call and we met & I could see he missed me and loved me- but I see he is grief stricken- he did not do too well this semester & he is just really what he told me- a broken man that I love.

I have asked him for three months more of space (ironically I need to study for the bar- so I need them) & figure it’ll do him good. At least I hope so. I fear him committing suicide & just giving up on life. Also, I fear him going insane and one day suddenly killing me and killing himself (that is happening so much in this world). I pray for him, that God may give him strength and faith.

I know- the easiest way for me is to let him go. He is in shock that I am still willing/wanting to be with him. He does not understand why I love him/he even suspects I don’t… But I do, I’m just a bit tired of it (and surely if it goes on I’ll fall in love again- I am capable of it); but I am very strong person, very strong in love & I think because my parents gave me so much love as a kid- my family has such a strong bond with me; I will still not give up on him.

[DayInTheLife]

He feels I want him to be someone he can’t be & he wants to be with me without pressure.

As long as you are around, nurturing him, he doesn't have much reason to change. Your presence makes it easier for him to remain 'broken.' You don't sound happy, and neither does he, and I don't see what's going to change. I don't know him or you, but I'd bet money you two won't live happily ever after.

I've been the nurturer and the nurturee in unhealthy relationships, and nothing go better until they ended. He is not a suitable lover until he loves himself, IMHO

[Angela]

Eight years you've been doing this -- and you think the reason is that he has is terrified of commitment, can't hack it, is immature, insecure, and selfish?

Marian, you're issue has absolutely nothing -- zero -- to do with this guy, and is 100% your responsibility. This is all about eight years of your choices.

Eight years is a looooooong time, mama. How long are you going to keep your life on hold, hoping another person changes? When will you be ready to look at how you are being, and what the results have been of that?

You can build a life you're in love with if you want to -- do you want to?