Is she my twin flame?? If so, this is soooo hard!

[elsizzle2000]

I am so conflicted here & my heart is cracking wide open. Here's my story.

I met this girl 3 years ago. We started dating casually (mostly just sexual). I was a player at the time but after awhile there was something about her that made me want to date her only. Our first date eye contact was unlike anything I ever experienced. I felt like I knew her on a soul level. Our first kiss was magic, electric. I felt like I was kissing myself. But I never read into it. I never thought it was anything special. In fact a month or so in I pulled her aside & told her that just so she knows, I never see myself with her on a serious level. She said ok, let's just take it day by day.

Then somehow I decided to date her exclusively. A part of me didn't want to but I convinced myself to The next 2.5 years I put her through hell. I was miserable, insecure, angry, etc. I treated her badly. I was verbally abusive, I flirted & contacted other girls for action (early on). I had no life & did not pursue anything for me. I was demanding & overall did not appreciate her. All the while never thinking she was the one for me. All the while hurting her. We broke up a few times but I would say I will change to get her back. Then we get back & the same old me. Well until 5 months ago.

My jealosuy, control & insecurities finally got the best of me & I accused her of some things & went snooping around & violated her space. Nothing was going on but she had had it. She broke up - for good this time. I then finally decided to get my life in shape. Find inner peace, focus on me, etc.

The past 5 months for me has been the greatest. I know now that the love I needed from women I can get through God/ higher self, etc. Lots of therapy, meditation, reading, EFT. For the first time in my life I am happy & see everything so clearly now.

We started hanging out here & there & all of a sudden we were getting along better, having a better connection, etc. All because of me changing myself no doubt. But she still would say there is NO chance in HELL to get back. But I would feel different when we were together. So we would have a great time & then bam, something would freak her out & she would push me away & in a punishment fashion almost. I don't really know if it was because I was displaying old behaviors (I don't think I was) or she couldn't handle me being this different guy. So slowly after past 5 months she has drifted away further & further. More time goes by when we see or contact each other. And when we do, she is more closed off. I have been giving her the space but all the while it has been hard for me. because I know now that I want to be with her. I want to marry her, I want to have a family. Now that I love myself I can see everything in my life so clearly. So now that I truly love her from my soul, she is the farthest away.

I was meditating & praying to god why is this so hard for me to get over her, move on etc. Why does she not escape my every thought? I said god am I just obsessed? what does this all mean? I then received this overwhelming love vibration from god & felt this peace & calm fall over me. then I felt this feeling that this woman is indeed my twin soul & that is why I feel this way. and that the love my human emotions feel is bigger than us. it is meant for something bigger. and to not worry or try to get her back right now. just work on your self & keep the door open for her is all you can do. in had this feeling like the love between us is so strong that it will always be there. i was no longer worried. i felt at ease & it all made sense. amongst it all, i feel like I want to get closer & closer to god. the thought of this woman wants me to get closer to god for some reason. the feeling of love from god I get at times is the same feeling when it hit me she is my twin soul. i feel like that love is god! anyway, i decided to continue working on myself but not give up. i also decided i would share this with her when the time was right.

a week later we got together & i decided to tell her as she seemed open. I told her everything on my heart but I did not want an answer. I was just telling her to share. I said she should continue her journey & do what she needs - true love knows no time or distance. she then paused & proceeded to tell me that she is moving across the country (i thought maybe she is just saying this & not serious) in 6 months. ans then somehow started telling me about these new guys she was dating/ flirting with. she got kind of detailed too. i was shocked but kept my cool. she said it was nothing serious & i suspect she is just testing out her freedom but nonetheless it hurt. I said ok well, do what you have to do & I am not going anywhere.

she dropped me off & i started to panic. i prayed again to calm down & got the same answer. just let it be, don't run away but don't chase her either. just love yourself first & be there for her. give her time to get this out of her system.

then the next day at work my ego/ emotions took over & said god are you sure she is my twin soul?? please giveme an obvious sign. less that an hour later I went on break from work to this grocery store & who do I see - HER!!! I have been working here 2 months & have only gone to this store 1 other time!! To me god had spoken. so i said ok god I accept.

she still needs her space to date & do whatever so I give her that. i thought god is teaching me unconditional love. then i go back & forth. i get confused. i prayed again why god ooh why & again this love peace came over me & the message was her soul is doing this on purpose but as a gift to push me to change & become happy. again i said wow that makes sense.

well so here I am. she contacted me the other night but didn't leave a message. then said it was an accident.

she contacted me again last night over IM & we chatted ciordially. then she went into how she is dating & how she has all these experience she might write about in a blog or something. she then exclaims we are not twin souls. and she says that through dating she knows what she wants am & am not that. to be a strong man who is not so emotional. i said I agree - I was never like that. but i am becoming that man. she doesn't listen - it's like she will not see the new me. she chooses to see old me only. she then proceeds to go into detail again about this one guy who she liked but moved away etc. TMI!! and there is never a chance for us.

then she drops the final bombshell. she is definitely moving in summer. i then began to tell her how I really feel again. about how I would marry her, how even if she moved, we could make it work (I have been considering moving 1.5 hours away from where she wants to go), I would treat her good, etc. she didn't know what to say. so we ended the conversation & planned to meet up next week possibly.

i wake up today & feel horrible. all the info she shared about dating hurts. I feel disrespected. she didn't have to give me all this info. then coupled with the fact that she is moving. I thought maybe I AM crazy. Maybe I should just walk away. Even if we are twin souls, right now she blatantly disregards my feelings. she is dating, going out drinking almost every night..

I just don't know any more. I don't know what to do here. I feel like underneath it all she feels it too but doesn't know (I didn't know for a long time). Bun then I feel she treats me poorly. She treats me like I am the old mean, abusive, selfish guy. Am I feeling like crap because of what she is doing or because I am expecting love from her too much? Is she even really my twin soul? do I give up??

I don't know any more. Someone help!

[Spiritual]

I don't get you! I really don't.

You were so fortunate to receive all this clear "messages" and hints, and still you don't just listen to what they are telling you. Most of us have to go through all of this and have absolutely NO clue what the right way to deal with it is.

Look, you're not allowing her to be her, you are projecting your wants and desires on her. If she is your twin soul (which you can have more in my opinion), it doesn't necessarily mean that you will be together as lovepartners. She has free choice and you have free choice. If she decides she doesn't want to be with you, that's her right and there is nothing you can do.

And you are only looking at the current moment, the messages you received are telling you, be happy with yourself and just see what happens. But what are you doing? You are constantly telling her what you want of her and ofcourse she reacts with her stories, she wants to do what she wants, you're suffocating her!

Seriously if a guy or girl would come up to me and start telling me how much we are twin souls and such, when ealier he treated me for ****, I would also be like ok dude seriously get lost.

The fact that she still wants to have contact with you is a miracle already! Now I know this is a lot of tough love, but I think you needed to hear it, you're feeling sorry for yourself, even though are responsible for the current result by treating her bad earlier.

Now what CAN you do? Listen to the "messages" you get. Be happy with yourself. Even if she is your twin soul, who cares? If you both are a match for each other, life will rearrange itself to bring you together. Start building your own life, get people around you with whom you can have fun. Start dating other girls or just hang out with them.

The key is become independent, which you are not right now, only from that point you can attempt to have an equal relationship (if she wants to!). It's NOT attractive to lay on your back with your paws reaching for the sky and then tell her how much you adore her and how you should be together.

Go your own path and let life unfold itself. And all the stories she is telling you are the constantly used tests of girls, seeing how you respond and whether you stand your ground.

Don't be weak, get a cool and fun life and just let life unfold itself.

Good luck bro!

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by elsizzle2000

I just don't know any more. I don't know what to do here. I feel like underneath it all she feels it too but doesn't know (I didn't know for a long time). Bun then I feel she treats me poorly. She treats me like I am the old mean, abusive, selfish guy. Am I feeling like crap because of what she is doing or because I am expecting love from her too much? Is she even really my twin soul? do I give up??

I don't know any more. Someone help!

Hi,

I really understand you. If you skip all the treating her like **** parts, I am living a story like this too, only with a guy. And without some other parts, but I say he is the mirror image of my soul and the reason he is not with me is more complicated and not necessarily his first choice...doesn't matter at this point.

Like you, I have been cultivating love for him, selfless love - or I had been. It feels beautiful, the unconditional love you talk about. But you have to know that when you begin to think about yourself and how you want the other person to treat you, it kills the love and don't you feel this gripping feeling inside? But when you feel the love, it feels freeing and beautiful.

I agree with the previous poster and with the messages you have been getting. You want to know what to do - do what the messages say to do.

[openeyes]

It looks like the only reason you reevaluated what you were doing and tried to improve was because she finally stood up and was no longer willing to put up with everything you were doing. She's right to not give you another chance, but hasn't yet had the strength to fully break free. You would likely both be better off if you could each move on, she stops contacting you and you stop contacting her. As long as she keeps calling/IMing you, she's just scratching at the scab and keeping you from healing. You both have too many old feelings attached to each other, and you're more likely to live out negative patterns together than with someone new, as you both likely habitually push each other's buttons at this point. There's too much baggage now. Start fresh.

Your life will be much happier if you can just focus on what you said here, "the love I needed from women I can get through God/ higher self, etc. Lots of therapy, meditation, reading, EFT". If you really believe that you can get that love elsewhere, through "God/higher self, etc.", why waste time and energy on a losing proposition (a relationship with the girl that she says she doesn't want)? If the breakup helped you realize this, the girl did you an immense favor. To return the favor simply let her go. All of that personal work is NOT to make yourself a better prospect for her. That door is closed. The personal work is for yourself. That it could make future relationships better is just a bonus.

[Angela]

Consider that by winning this woman back, you would be proving to yourself that you're no longer the mean, abusive, selfish elsizzle, but the new, loveable, loving, peaceful person you'd like to see yourself as.

Unfortunately, another person's feelings and actions will never satisfy your need to prove to yourself that you've got these qualities. You have to be and see them yourself.

You're not there yet. If you were, you would grant this woman the freedom to pursue her life according to her own choices, and you'd let her go with love and gratitude. That would be a loving thing to do, and it would free you from your marriage to an outcome, so that you're available for a loving, mutually beneficial relationship with a woman who chooses you as you choose her.

Best wishes.

[elsizzle2000]

Mods please delete this thread! It is haunting me...

[Angela]

Hi, elsizzle. Once a thread has engaged -- that is, people have responded and discussion has begun -- the forum policy is accept what is; we don't delete what folks have expressed unless it's damaging, combative, or aggressively offensive, normally. The problem with doing so is that we wouldn't just be censoring you at your request, we would also be censoring the expression of the other people who have responded and are working out their own issues, "out loud."

Elsizzle, the thread had lain dormant for a couple of weeks and yet has been haunting you. Since we're a personal development forum here, why not take your feelings as an opportunity to deal directly with something that is causing you suffering? We are all on your side; we want for you the same things we want for ourselves -- things like joy, freedom, relatedness -- and we are rooting for you. Wiping the slate clean of what you've expressed won't wipe your life clean of your concerns. Why not use this space for cleaning up what's calling you to be cleaned up? It might be that you need to become clear, apologize, or absorb a new viewpoint; or it might mean that you would be wise to accept the reality of the situation, acknowledge it, and let it go. Meanwhile, you're carrying something around that you don't need in creating a life you love -- how can we help you to transform or surrender it without denying reality?

Please feel free to pm me or any other moderator if you'd like to work things out more privately.

Thanks, lots of love, and best wishes to you,
Angela

[elsizzle2000]

What's haunting me is "someone" can find this post. I have never been to any other forum where they don't let you delete or modify a post. The only reason I see is because the forum owner is only concerned about search engine rankings & making money. So now my personal life is all over the web. Thanks a lot.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

You are able to delete your post within the first 24 hours. Your personal life is "all over the web" because you put it there.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by elsizzle2000

What's haunting me is "someone" can find this post. I have never been to any other forum where they don't let you delete or modify a post. The only reason I see is because the forum owner is only concerned about search engine rankings & making money. So now my personal life is all over the web. Thanks a lot.

Thank yourself. You are the one who put it up there. Even if the mods were to delete the thread from the forum, it can still be found in the google cache, way back machine and a whole bunch of other places.

If you are willing to pay for it, there are companies that can 'purge' your internet history.

Quite costly and quite silly, if you ask me. If you hadn't bumped this thread no one would have been able to find it in google, because the pagerank would have been very low. A month or a year from now there will be much more interesting information about you on the web - unless you never again participate in anything online.

Best defense against having 'dirt' online: make sure there is plenty of good stuff floating around! (feel free to google me and do let me know if you manage to dig up some dirt)

[Spiritual]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Best defense against having 'dirt' online: make sure there is plenty of good stuff floating around! (feel free to google me and do let me know if you manage to dig up some dirt)

Care to share your experience with those big black men and the slippery soap?

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Spiritual

Care to share your experience with those big black men and the slippery soap?

You'll have to refresh my memory - mine is not as accurate as Google's.

[god4ever]

Perhaps it is simply that her soul is allowing you to go through the same process she went through:

She stuck around while you were rude to her. Why do you think she would do such a thing? Obviously, she cared about you!
So now that she is being rude to you, do you honestly believe she deserves to have you bail on her? If you truly love her you will stick around and wait for her to become better- wait as she waited for you.

Be patient and tolerant, as she was patient and tolerant with and of you.
But as you are patient, do not hold hate for her. Instead, send love with your heart.

[ssandra]

The OP hasn't been online since 01-07-2008, and this is a very old thread.

If you have your own questions or want to share opinions regarding twin flames I'd suggest starting a new thread. I'm closing this one for now.