Forumming for social development

[Sterling]

Hi everyone,

I'm a pretty shy person. I'm not always this way, but I've never felt that I could really contribute anything meaningful to a conversation, particularly in group situations, despite that (obviously) not being the case.

I'm new to this whole forumming thing, and I was wondering what benefits I could gain from doing it, with a view to face-to-face interaction. It seems logical to me that I could build confidence from this sort of environment, but at the same time, perhaps these two environments are too dissimilar.

Yet I used to check out some forums and lurk around a lot, and left feeling really guilty and unfulfilled. I'm really aware of slipping back into that, and I certainly don't want to waste any time on forumming too much, as I've done in the past.

Do you think that using a forum is a useful means of breaking my introverted nature? Or am I better off just doing it in the real world? For those who have been part of forums for a long time, have you felt that using them has helped you communicate face to face? Or made it worse?

I'm very interested in hearing your views! I guess that your responses will determine whether I stick around or not

[pi11]

Hello Sterling,
It took a lot of guts for you to post a thread topic like this. Perhaps you aren't so introverted after all.

I can present some insight from my own personal experience. I am an introvert as well, but over the last 5-7 years, I have developed skills to be more socially adept. Furthermore, I have naturally developed these skills thanks to the social activity on the Internet. Once I developed those skills online (in chat rooms, instant messaging and forums), I transferred them slowly to non-virtual life. Slowly, I found that I could be as funny, insightful or intelligent as I was in the virtual life. Eventually, I happen to cut off most connections from the virtual world and spent most time in the non-virtual world. These days I am spending a bit more time in the virtual world than I recently have. There has been a significant lack of intellectual simulation in non-virtual life and I think I require it. Joining this forum would help me with that. But I digress.

What I can suggest to you is to involve yourself in conversations online. Develop a character for yourself that is true to you. Don't fake it. When you write something, ask yourself, if that is really you or just someone you are trying to project to fit in. If you don't fit in to some online group, don't worry about it! Go somewhere else. No feelings will be hurt! You don't have to worry about that sort of stuff until you go to the non-virtual life.

[Scott]

Originally Posted by pi11

Once I developed those skills online (in chat rooms, instant messaging and forums), I transferred them slowly to non-virtual life. Slowly, I found that I could be as funny, insightful or intelligent as I was in the virtual life.

I couldn't agree more. Sterling, you're in the right place. We've got your back!

[Trina]

I know that posting on forums has helped my shyness in person. I used to be extremely shy when I was younger, but you would never know it if you talked to me now. I can formulate my thoughts a lot better when I write them down rather than talking them out, and posting on forums helps me to form my opinions a lot more effectively before I have to discuss them with anyone in person (I am a big debater online). Also, I run a military wives forum (and I am a member of a few others) and have had the opportunity to help a good number of other military wives when they needed it, which has in turn made me feel good about myself. Not to mention that I have become a lot more confident in my own strengths as far as personality traits go, and that has definitely leaked into my life off the forums. I have made countless friends who love me for my personality instead of judging me for how I look (a big concern for girls a lot of times), and I have built self confidence because of it.

I don't think that forumming teaches you how to talk to people. The only thing that can teach you that is going out and doing it. The more you do it, the easier it gets. I do think that forumming can help you get in touch with who you are because all you have is your words, no clothes, make-up, or status symbols to hide behind.

[Sterling]

Thanks for your responses - this was exactly what I was looking for!

I really was scared to make that initial post - I was alright until I was half way through writing it. It sounds ridiculous because it really isn't all that important. I guess that that's one thing that I've got to fight through - to realise that even if I do say something stupid, in the long run, it doesn't really matter that much

[Trina]

Originally Posted by Sterling

Thanks for your responses - this was exactly what I was looking for!

I really was scared to make that initial post - I was alright until I was half way through writing it. It sounds ridiculous because it really isn't all that important. I guess that that's one thing that I've got to fight through - to realise that even if I do say something stupid, in the long run, it doesn't really matter that much

I worry that I am going to say something stupid on this forum specifically every time I post!! I just tell myself that if I sound like a fool, the nice people will be kind and help me understand what I am not quite getting, and anyone who would try to use it against me would just end up making themselves look a lot worse than I did! The whole point of this forum is personal development so there has to be some understanding people on here somewhere right? LOL.

[falcon]

*raises her hand* Another introvert over here!
I find I'm fine with people once I get to know them, but people I've never met before? RUN AWAY!!!!!! Makes it quite tricky to make friends :P Still I'm better than I was 6 years ago - I used to actually shake with terror when I was surrounded by strangers.

I like web forums and irc beuase they give me a chance to practice meeting new people (albeit virtually) and how to begin and continue conversations without feeling like there's some huge great negative consequence about to crush me like a gnat if I get anything wrong.

So, mostly, I'm just trying to say I agree with pi11 and, don't worry, there's lots of us around.

[Scorpio]

Writing posts is a form of socialising with people so you're going to get at least some benefit. But the match-up to real life is hardly exact, so that benefit will be limited. Hard to say how much though.

I think the thing you can work on the most is polishing the things that you say. You can practice your humor, telling a good story, and things like that. Does that make sense?

You can pick up some bad habits too though. Many forums can be subtley or overtly negative. This can start to get to you after a while and affect your thinking. They also emphasize debating and arguing your point. Being too much of a 'debator' in the real world can get tiresome with many people.

[tparikka]

Sterling, online interaction can definitely help you become more extroverted and socially adept, but it all depends on the environment. Its good to find supportive communities online (like us! ) and let yourself grow and develop within those support structures. As you do, you'll find your self-confidence will build as well. It's all about having a safe way to let your personality grow to the point that you are sure it.

I went through a transformation like that in grade school. As a young kid, I never got along with my classmates - I was always able to relate better to adults, so I didn't get much age peer interaction. However, Christmas of 7th grade my family got our first computer, and I started meeting people my age (or supposedly my age) online through IM clients and forums. I found more extrovert in me than I ever had before, and when I got to High School, I was able to grow that out even more. I'm not sure if I'd have been able to grow as effectively in HS if I hadn't had a chance to develop in a less pressured environment first.

It does happen, you just have to give it time.

[Erock]

I would recommend getting out in the real world and interacting with people as well as online. I'm not exactly sure how old you are, but you sound like you might be young. Teenagers can sometimes be quite mean, and I think it's hard for some of us more sensitive and conscious people to interact with them.

I'm 17, and I have one of the nicest most intelligent group of friends in my school, and they can still be very mean and insensitive. If you are in a situation like me, I think it's helpful to have a thick skin and not let things bother you.

In terms of what yossarian said (which was AWESOME advice by the way), thick skin basically means that no matter what people say or do you will not go "inside your head," and you will stay extroverted.

Good luck to you

Love
Erock

[Henry]

Real world definitely more beneficial. When you talk to more and more people, you'll develop more experiences to talk about with each person afterward.

The problem with forum communication is that it doesn't necessarily translate in the real world. You can be decent at talking online (like me) and be crappy at talking to people (like me. heh.).

[Jill]

Originally Posted by Sterling

Do you think that using a forum is a useful means of breaking my introverted nature? Or am I better off just doing it in the real world? For those who have been part of forums for a long time, have you felt that using them has helped you communicate face to face?

As others have already stated, yes, yes, yes! I think I could probably write a book on this subject.

For me, online chat rooms, IM, email and forums were my confidence builders and eventually helped me to break free (for the most part) of my shyness.

I still prefer to be the more quiet one in a group situation, but my online life for the past 15 years has totally helped transform my life. It especially helps if you're really good at communicating through the written word. That part was always easy for me, but communicating orally -- not so much.

Long story short, today I travel around the world speaking at conferences and hold my own seminars. I'm not a natural public speaker, but since I know my subject very well, I have learned to do a good job without even getting nervous anymore.

And beyond public speaking, I can generally hold my own in social situations as well. Although it helps when I'm at a social event related to my profession as I can talk about that till the cows come home!

Had the internet been available to me while I was growing up, I think my life might have been completely different. Although, I'm pretty happy with how it's turned out so far!

[Daniel Terhorst]

I've always been very introverted. I was home-schooled and forced to move every three and a half years. I simply didn't learn how to interact with new people.

It's still an ongoing process, but there are some definite points I can look back on as greatly helping me to open up:

I eventually got tossed into a public school. What a traumatizing experience, but I was forced to interact with people.

I had to get my first job. Oh, no! I answered phones all day, and even occasionally cold-called people. There's nothing like doing...

And, yes, I found an excellent forum on something I was passionate about at the time. I was even a moderator there for about a year before I left. I think I can honestly say this helped me more than anything else. Why? Because in all the other situations, it was always something I feared, even dreaded, but was forced to do. In that forum, however, communication was the key to something I loved, and I loved it because of that.

I'm not all the way there, yet, but what seemed almost impossibly difficult before is routine today...

-- Daniel Terhorst

[Andreas]

All great stories! Just remember you're among friends here, Sterling.

Jill, what do you speak on? SEO?
Yossarian, I just heard that 7% statistic somewhere else. How coincidental...

[annie]

I haven't been shy for years....

However, I have learned a social skill that came as a direct result from online chatter. (discussion forums, IM etc). And that was, it's fairly easy to "validate" people online....meaning....It's easy to give others credit, compliment them, point out their uniqueness and good qualities and mention things they stand out for. I learned that people in general soak up praise (duh!) but it was never easy for me to give it in real life....but now it is. If you can make friends online with your presentation, why can't you transfer that to real life??

YOU CAN!

[Zulu]

Hi

I've noticed very little carry-over from forumming to RL. I was very shy all through highschool and spent quite a bit of time forumming. It did nothing to improve my social life or my empathy towards others. What it did do was that it lead me towards powerful resources (fastseduction.net, brian tracy, tony robbins, steve pavlina) and these resources gave me the confidence to go out and interact confidently in the real world.

So I'd say the internet is something that's seperate from "real world" interaction. Both are neat.

[Kindred]

I think forums can be key to developing and rounding out your personality. Which can lead you to extrovertism because of your personality. But also build up how the process works in your brain.

I'm a fan of online games and while I'm having fun, and talking to a lot of people my brain is processing other things that are going on. I notice there's hermits, introverts, extroverts in the digital world too and the principals are akin to the physical world.

The hermits aren't talking to anyone, trying to keep attention away from themselves, and ignoring people. The introverts don't talk much and are usually stuck to a circle of friends in the game that they only talk to. Extroverts talk to everyone, and make friends with everyone.

So the more you talk on forums, the more people you'll probably be talking to and getting to know. Eventually you'll just be a digital extrovert, and find it child's play to find someone to talk to and make friends. It all works the same in the physical world from my experience and what I see. However practice in the digital world will not help you in the physical, I think it rather accelerates your learning there since you understand the process now and may not be so fearful of it.

Just listen to people chatting normally. How people start up small talk to break the ice, and get into much bigger conversations from there.