Please Explain...

[Chado2423]

Can someone please tell me, full fledgedly how to make up with someone you love and miss?

Forget about moving on and letting go, and just think of a time when you wanted to make up with someone who was mad at you. How did you make up with them? (*I'm almost positive you didn't "let go" or just give it time...) so what did you really do?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Honestly, only when I was willing to *really* let them go did the opportunity to reconcile present itself.

You can't make up with someone who doesn't want to be made up with.

This is why people always talk about letting go. Sometimes it is the only thing you can do, not to mention the best thing for all involved.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Honestly, only when I was willing to *really* let them go did the opportunity to reconcile present itself.

You can't make up with someone who doesn't want to be made up with.

This is why people always talk about letting go. Sometimes it is the only thing you can do, not to mention the best thing for all involved.

You're so smart.

And she's right, Chado. On all counts.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Thanks. It was hard-won knowledge!

[Rose of Cairo]

1) she's right, Chado...

2) Aspiring, congratulations!!! 1,111 posts!!!! awesome number

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

Can someone please tell me, full fledgedly how to make up with someone you love and miss?

The other person has to be open to the possibility of forgiveness. That's key; otherwise you're wasting your efforts.

The only way I found that makes any sense is to apologize, heartfully, once. All one can do is impress on the other person that you understand, deeply and sincerely, how your actions/inactions/words/whatever hurt them. It's up to you to present your apology in such a way that they truly and deeply "get it," that what you did/said was a grievous error and that you are sincerely sorry for it.

Once the apology is accepted - if it is - then close the book on it and move forward. If it's not accepted, then either you haven't convinced them of your sincerity, or the other person isn't ready or willing to accept it.

It's tough, no question. It's also dependent on circumstances though. For instance, if it's an infidelity, that's huge and demands a tremendous amount of effort to get through. But, on the other hand, if you find yourself continually having to apologize for, say, leaving the seat up on the toilet, that's something else entirely.

All that said, I think that it's appropriate to make an apology once, and only once. Repeated statements of "I'm so sorry!" just further drive home the issue, which is why I think it's best to just apologize once and be done with it.

[Chado2423]

I have been inundated by too many theories... too many artificial insights, and superficial sentementalities.... and I'm sick and tired of it. I've been aghast at the psychobabble hyperboble, and ineffective "psychological", communication, relationship techniques and strategies. Therapy was unsuccessful, and I must say I am doing much better on my own than I was in the therapist's office. I've even asked for advice on many, countless relationship forums, but nothing has changed in my REAL WORLD.

[JimOfferman]

I can totally relate to your problem with having heard too many theories. My solution: listen to what everybody has to say, but only do what works for you. Do what makes your life simpler.

My two simple rules:
* I never apologize for being me.
* If I feel I've made a mistake, I'll readily admit my error

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

...nothing has changed in my REAL WORLD.

Chado, what happened? You reported a couple of weeks ago that things were going better. Are you still wishing you could make amends to her somehow? Wishing she would be open to letting you talk to her, and forgiving you? Are you kind of stuck there?

You know people and circumstances change in their own time -- you can't *make* her change or control the way life unfolds. But you can change yourself, of course, and your real world will OCCUR for you differently if you do. It sounds like you are holding onto a way of being that is not serving you well anymore. Are you ready to take on a new way of being?

[Amadeus]

Well if it has anything to do with a marriage or another intimite relationship I would recommend you reading the book Divorce Busters. Go to the forum for quick advice. Divorce Busting® - Solve Marriage Problems, Save My Marriage, Save Your Marriage, Stop My Divorce, Stop Your Divorce It gives some awesome advice.

[Chado2423]

No matter what I do, not much seems to be working.

*When I said I was doing better, I was doing better, then, but not for the same reasons. I just wish I could figure out a way to make things up to my ex, so that we could be friends again. Why is that too much to ask? I miss her very deeply. Stuck in NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO, in my life or my relationship. Notice I said what to do... not what to feel.

Secondarily, I'm tired of those type of forums, mentioned above.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

Notice I said what to do... not what to feel.

Chado, I wasn't talking about what to feel; I'm talking about a whole new way of being, out of which the next right, inspired action will become apparent and compelling.

The way you are being about this ex-relationship is the same as it was a few weeks ago, so why should anything in your world change? You say that whatever you do, nothing seems to be working; that's because you're still being what you've always been being! You change your way of being, you'll change your whole world.

Not feeling, Being.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by Angela

Not feeling, Being.

That I can understand... but its a lot easier said than done. I was doing fine a few weeks ago, like you said... but I need to make an explanation. A friend of mine died between then and now. And seeing my friend dead, made me think about living my whole life without being able to make things up to my ex. It made think if she were to die, or if I were to die, then we might never get the chance to be friends again.