Uncomfortable with intimacy, not sure why?

[LauraC]

Hi everyone,

Please help.....

I'm not sure why but ever since I can remember I have always felt uncomfortable with intimacy.

I was an only child, brought up by my dad who was definitely not huggy or affectionate. But surely this doesn't matter.

I am an anxious person, always fidgeting with my hands (biting my nails, and around my nails) and would much rather be doing something (rather than nothing) with my hands when I'm just sitting watching a movie or talking.

My husband is very affectionate, which is beautiful, and I would love to be the same, but when he hugs me (cuddles me etc.) I tense up and can't relax. (unless I'm totally 100% in the mood and then I'm fine)

It has worsened since I had my 2 children and put on weight, but it was still happening even when I was not overweight.

I just want to relax and enjoy physical contact but I just get tense and stressed....

I'm not sure if this is something other people experience ????
Or if I should talk to a psychologist about ?????
Can anyone help ?

[Lola]

Hi Laura -

Sessions with a psychologist would be advisable, IMO. I'm wondering if there was an incident of sexual abuse or molestation at a very young age that you've blocked so deeply you cannot consciously recall the incident. But at the time, a portion of your brain labeled physical intimacy as *UNSAFE!* and filed it deeply away, surfacing just enough to activate the warning bells when you are touched. The tension you describe is a *normal* coping skill of unresolved abuse. Your body is telling you it is afraid for some reason.

Originally Posted by LauraC

I was an only child, brought up by my dad who was definitely not huggy or affectionate. But surely this doesn't matter.

Or it may be as simple as never learning how to exchange healthy familial affection. Because, yeah, it does matter.

May I ask about your mother?

[LauraC]

thanks lola, I should have mentioned in my first thread that I highly doubt anything happened that I have blocked out. I have thought about this before.

The worse thing that happened when I was about 10 was waking at my best friend's house to find her older brother had pulled down my pants and was staring at me. That was very freaky but nothing more serious has ever happened. And compared to what some people have suffered, that isnt much, and those other people go on to have very affectionate relationships.

And as far as having never learned familial affection, I'm not sure this is true either because I seem to be getting worse. I met my now husband when I was 15 and moved into his parents house with him when I was 16. I remember never being overly affectionate with him but definitely more affectionate than I am now.

And it's not just specific to my husband either. I find it uncomfortable hugging friends, other kids etc.

I'm not sure if it's just some sort of "condition" that can be fixed or not.
Or what would be best: eft, psychologist etc ????

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by LauraC

I find it uncomfortable hugging friends, other kids etc.

Do you enjoy hugging your own kids?

[LauraC]

yes, I love hugging my own kids

[Rosie]

It sounds like you've always been some what unaffectionate. Some people are affectionate, and some people aren't. It isn't a condition that needs to be fixed. If you didn't like chocolate ice cream, would you want to be fixed? No, because there's really nothing wrong with it. Now if you're a "touch aphobic" then yes, you should probably seek help.

You said that you are less affectionate now that you have gained weight. Maybe you have lower self esteem, and consider yourself "un-attractive" I know that if I feel unattractive, I become uncomfortable when people touch me.

Your father was never a very affectionate person. If a child doesn't receive adequate exposure to certain things such as language when they are young, that learning cannot be replicated later on in life. In the same sense, if you were never exposed to intimicy or affection as a child, you have a higher chance of being unaffectionate when you are older.

If it is causing problems in your relationships, then maybe you should seek help. If not, then I'd just accept it. You are who you are, and you should be proud

[DayInTheLife]

Originally Posted by LauraC

Hi everyone,

I am an anxious person, always fidgeting with my hands (biting my nails, and around my nails) and would much rather be doing something (rather than nothing) with my hands when I'm just sitting watching a movie or talking.

This is the part that stuck out to me. The inability to sit and just exist -- without having to constantly be doing something -- can cause all sorts of problems. In my experience it indicates a rejection of the way things are; that there is always something wrong with the moment as it is. I would bet your resistance to affection is related.

I urge you to explore meditation. It really is nothing more than simply learning to sit in the present moment without trying to change it. If your mind has been overactive for a long time, you'll undoubtedly find some new perspective fairly quickly. There are plenty of resources on the web. Please PM me if you'd like a starting point.

In any case, I would see a professional counselor about your discomfort with intimacy. From the tone of your post, this is obviously something you want to work on.

[ChangeYourTree]

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the possibility of sexual abuse in your case.

And the fact that your father was not affectionate and did not express feelings DOES have a huge impact on the way you are now.

He is referred to as a depriving parent and it's actually a type of control. Depriving parents control through disapproval, withdrawal, or banishment. They become emotionally unreachable and see love as a commodity that can be withheld for certain reasons.

Of course, I don't know enough about you to say that this is certainly the way he was--you would have to look deeper into your childhood to figure that out.

But to say that his emptiness and emotional unavailability didn't have an extreme impact on you is completely inaccurate.

Your constant fidgeting suggests that you are not comfortable, for one reason or another, in your own skin. People who fidget are struggling on the inside. I would guess there is deep trauma in your life that your conscious brain has blocked out but your subconscious continues to deal with.

Don't dismiss anything until you have seen a therapist.

[Amadeus]

Laura, look up Asperger Syndrome. You are a female and probably don't have it, but it is worth looking into.

[Rosie]

Lol, yeah I was thinking about that too. But she'll need to have many more symptoms other than just lack of affection to be diagnosed.

I have it, so if you have any questions you can ask me