How to stop putting other people down :(

[charlottecharade]

I'm a sociable person but recently I've noticed I don't have any "real" friends. I have people to go out with and I wander among groups but I don't really have a group where I "belong". This got me wondering if there's something about me that's turning people off. I think it's the fact that I put people down.

I know it's really bad; sometimes I find myself saying more bad things/ criticising people more than saying nice things. It gets even worse when I'm drunk. I trash other people and make racist comments and I hear a lot of people laugh, "wow, you're so mean." Then for some reason I think I'm funny and keep on doing it. For example, almost everyone in my dorm knows I don't like my roommate. She is fat and I always talk bad behind her back to my floormates. I know it's a wretched thing to do, but it's become a habit.

My question is, how do you view a person who puts people down, even if its in a "joking" way? (My guess is they are probably viewed as an arrogant, selfish person who only cares about himself) I really need to fix this problem. How would you go about doing this?

[Spiritual]

Putting others down is often a defense mechanism. People are afraid to look at themselves and often acknowledge the **** they are in themselves, or how unhappy they are. And thus they put all the attention on someone else, so they don't have to look inside.

I find it quite sad actually, that those people are afraid of confrontation with themselves and how they feel. It's a very easy choice, probably the easiest, to say something negative about someone else, often just to be accepted by the rest of people.

So how do you stop? Well, just STOP! When you see someone and the judgment starts, just tell yourself to stop and that you don't want to be occupied with these thoughts. Why are you so focused on someone else? Isn't your life busy enough, or interesting enough to be fully occupied with that?

You can even change negative comments to positive. When you have a judging thought, change it around to something good about the person. If you know nothing good about the person, just keep the judging to yourself. What good is it to others to judge?

And you know what, everyone else wonders about you whether you're talking **** about them behind their backs aswell. After a while nobody trusts you because they are afraid they get ridiculed.

STOP! is the answer.

Good luck

[mintyway]

Originally Posted by Spiritual

And you know what, everyone else wonders about you whether you're talking **** about them behind their backs aswell. After a while nobody trusts you because they are afraid they get ridiculed.

I've personally found this to be very true too.

People generally tend to despise the ones who are talking **** about others. You give hate (even as an habit like you do), you get hated in return.

As for all habits, it's difficult to stop it because the more you do it, the more your brain gets used to doing it and you get to a point when in the company of others, you will realize those negative thoughts about people are the only ones you have in mind and feel like talking about. There's no other way than really paying attention to what you're about to say, and stopping it when it's negative. Even if you're thinking about a "trully despicable" person, just don't say it. Find another topic of conversation or try finding something nice to say about them. Train yourself to be positive in all situations. It will help you.

In a more general manner, I think people tend to feel really
uncomfortable around people who judge all the time. People like being in the company of light-hearted people. Life has its difficulties for everyone so don't bother them with negativity. I've found the socially succesful people are the ones that are fun to be around. I mean fun. Not goofy, but certainly not negative either. It's as simple as that.

Good luck! ;-)

[Lola]

Originally Posted by charlottecharade

My question is, how do you view a person who puts people down, even if its in a "joking" way? (My guess is they are probably viewed as an arrogant, selfish person who only cares about himself)

Quite the opposite, actually. I view such people as small-minded and filled with self-loathing.

Which is not entirely true of YOU, charlottecharade, as just by asking for input and *outing* yourself, you're taking steps to be differently.

Spiritual and mintyway gave good feedback. As far as stopping the behavior, start wearing a rubberband around your wrist. Every time an ugly, judgemental thought enters your head and tries to exit your mouth, snap yourself hard! with the rubberband. It won't take long to reinforce better policing of your thoughts.

And remember, when we're sitting in judgement of others, it's usually because of discomfort with our own perceived *faults*. Start practicing greater love and acceptance of yourself, too.

[Angela]

Nobody's ever really "just kidding."

I want to have a t-shirt printed with that motto.

Why would anyone feel immune from your "meanness" once they hear you talking trash about others? Your acquaintances are (rightly) sure that you'll use them as fodder for your "humor" during their absence. What you create by doing that is NO freedom and NO trust in your relationships -- and without freedom and trust, love can't flourish.

You have a reactive and habitual way of thinking and expressing yourself that I'll bet comes from old unresolved pain. You might want to look at that old pain, because seeing it boldly causes it to lose its power over you, and gives you the freedom to choose another way of thinking and expressing yourself that might work better and be more inspiring to you than your default, which makes others feel bad and isolates you.

When you've done that, you would be wise to clean up the relationships you've trashed.

[Fullcrum]

It's just a matter of becoming a more positive person.

Take the ten day positivity challenge and become a positive thinker. You have many good things, like speaking your mind and being unstifled, but negative people are scared...they have an ego they're trying to protect. I'm not saying positive people do not, just that the negative person's ego is fear-based.

Being positive is a default state. It's how you're born. But then you grow older, and you start needing to rationalize your confidence and sense of self because the default wasn't enough. Mostly it's social conditioning that does this and gives you a sense of lack. And in order to remove that sense of lack, you obviously need to have society's pinnacle, the one they lay out for you. Which you can observe if you've ever watched Pimp My Ride.

Of course that's all good, but it'll never in and of itself fulfill you. That must come from within. And negative people are never fulfilled, never complete, always defending themselves from something, always searching for some form of means to happiness.

So become a positive thinker. Do this by taking the ten day positivity challenge. You must think only positive and constructive thoughts for ten days, straight. If you think negativ for more than 2 minutes...CLICK! Restart. See how many times you restart.

There is also an additional component that I'm adding for you, that falls under the other stuff but should be emphasized. Look for the good qualities in eveyr single person you meet. This will allow you to learn things from them that other people will invariably miss, which will set you apart from the billions of people running around with some identity to protect and those running away from fear and what they don't want.

You're rewiring all the BS society's put into your head. When you become a more positive person, your world...will change. Greatly. Magnificently. So join the challenge. PM me if you want, I did this a few months ago and I changed profoundly.

[uberinquisitive]

It seems you put down others in order to be seen as "funny." You want to be liked by others. You want approval. However, talking ♥♥♥♥♥ about others is like being a whipping boy - you amuse your peers, but their laughter isn't with you. It's against you and the person you're making fun of. You've put yourself in the same category as your "target."

My suggestion - be self-deprecating. A good example of someone who does it well - Conan O'Brien. He is always making fun of himself, but always in a jolly, happy way. He isn't afraid to be goofy. Even when he is making fun of celebrities, he does it in a way that makes himself look like the "real" dummy. And...no one thinks, "Conan has no self-esteem!" Instead, people think he's incredibly witty, whip smart. People laugh with him...not at him.

[DayInTheLife]

Originally Posted by charlottecharade

My question is, how do you view a person who puts people down, even if its in a "joking" way? (My guess is they are probably viewed as an arrogant, selfish person who only cares about himself) I really need to fix this problem. How would you go about doing this?

I view them as unhappy with themselves. I get cynical and rude like that sometimes, and it's always when I don't feel good about myself or my life. It's just a cheap shot, a real low-brow way of talking myself up.

How to stop? Just stop. Whenever you get the impulse to fire off a nasty remark, say nothing. Remind yourself it's only to try to and swipe a little scrap of approval from other people around you. You don't need it. Tell yourself you aren't going to feed on those pathetic scraps anymore. Swear off it; vow not to indulge in nastiness.

You'll notice you feel better when you don't say anything. You'll learn that saying something negative never results in anything good for you.

Nobody is perfect, you'll still catch yourself saying that stuff once in a while (I do), but at least then it will serve as a red flag, reminding you that your mood has slipped back to cynicism.

[Flash1988]

It's great that you're catching yourself do it. This way you aren't blind to the fact your pushing people away. You might still do it but once you do it you learn to correct it.

I reckon it is approval seeking in a way as well. You've found a useful way which gets you approval but not in the best way.

I have a friend like this and he also says racist things, I try ignoring and he keeps saying it. Sometimes I will laugh which isn't right at all because it's encouraging the behaviour. This was when he was drunk but I told him this and he did seem genuinely surprised. He didn't remember.

I see it as childish but try not to change him because I don't think it's truly possible. I can just set my own boundaries and change myself and how I react. Sometimes it may change their behaviour.

Can't u get your friends to tell u when u do this so they can rmeind u and tell u to stop. Let them know you do it without thinking.


Good luck and great job on working to improve yourself.

[jwh335]

My friends and I all get along well because we're all ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ to each other :P

It works out well because none of us take it personally and none of us have any thought to change.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by charlottecharade

My question is, how do you view a person who puts people down, even if its in a "joking" way?

I pity them. I see them as very unhappy, suffering people. Such people generally don't love themselves. They criticize themselves harshly and feel like ♥♥♥♥♥ inside. I'm sorry for them that they suffer so much. At the same time I don't want to be around them and don't trust them of course. They're too negative, that's unhealty. And if they talk bad about other people behind their back in front of me, what are they saying about me in front of my back?

My supposition is based on the fact that when I feel like talking bad about others, it's because I feel bad about myself in some way. Is that true for you too, Charlottecharade? If that's the case, maybe the first step would be to be really nice, accepting, loving and loyal to yourself. Then you'll be nice, accepting, loving and loyal to others automatically.

[Virtue121]

Hi charlottecharade,

All the positive qualities are within you but which virtues, relevant to your situation, would help if they were reintegrated into your every day life?

I suggest the qualities of Respect and Acceptance as good places to start. Have the intent that you will boost these qualities within yourself. Study them and praise them. Contemplate how much better your life would be if you naturally radiated those qualities.

Visualize a gong within your heart inscribed with the desired Virtue. Picture it vibrating the virtue quality through every part of your body.

etc etc etc

As your character improves your thoughts speech and actions will automatically improve as well. These beneficial changes will attract more positive relationships into your life.

Best Wishes,

James

[aggie]

i don't think you really put someone down "jokingly"

you might want to hold off on the alcohol for a while if that exacerbates the situation.

i am very old school: do unto others....

i remember in grade school teasing and making fun of...for a time very childish but sort of accepted except for the recepient of course.

but through our whole lives...i just think it is wrong to make fun of someone...constructive criticism in very precise situations is one thing...but anything else...

among tight friends, poking fun at yourself...yeah maybe it works in those social situations.

but truthfully imo you just don't belittle someone for their weight or anything else...how would you feel?

as far as racist remarks, i am surprised you haven't been done seriously bodily harm

[funchy]

I view them as either very insecure or very uncaring. People who put others down may do it because they're unable to build their own self image up. I find that kind of person toxic, if they're really bad. I (politely) avoid them at all costs.

Everyone I think has put others down one time or another, but it's not a healthy place for YOU to be. It's a symptom of a bigger problem, such as a bitter view of the world or a lack of respect for others. Whatever your specific driving forces are that get you talking trash, you need to figure it out.

Sometimes the root of putting people down is a habit of just being negative about everything, including putting yourself down. You CAN retrain yourself to start seeing the good in things & in other people. Everything has a good side. I try to actively remind myself how lucky I am to be healthy, living in a safe prosperous country, be able to have an education, have a family & friends, etc. Life is pretty good, even if there are a few buttheads I have to deal with in my daily life.

Occasionally I might slip up and vent frustrations about one person to another, and this could be hurtful too. I have to remind myself it's ok to be frustrated and it's natural to want to vent, but I shouldn't do it excessively or when person B knows person A. I remind myself the person I'm frustrated with may not be able to help their behavior/attitude. Sometimes it's helpful for me to feel bad or forgive a nasty person, rather than turn aggressive and nasty about them. Some people really do have crappy home lives, terrible childhoods, and/or serious mental illnesses. It's not my job to make fun of them. I just learn to work along side of them when I need to, and try not to let their abrasive nature get to me.

Good luck to you! The important part is that you recognized you might have this problem. Now all you have to do is work on it a little at a time until you develop new habits.

[lifeforce]

Look in the mirror every day for 15 minutes and tell yourself how great of a person you are and that you love yourself. Because you lack confidence, and need to have better thoughts about yourself.

Then make a concshiouss effort, however that is spelled, to either shut up or say something nice. It´s a habit. You need a habit change.

[aggie]

i think the issue is more complicated than someone not loving themselves enough and doing exercises to learn.

what about just not saying mean things that you probably wouldn't like said about you.

knowing you do it more when you are drunk can also indicate a more serious problem.

and racial slurs is another not so little matter.

[Roxon]

2007 thread

[seeker5]

This was a thread started for the purpose of helping the OP deal with an issue in her life. However, this thread was started about 18 months ago and has been dead for about 18 months. Since the issue may be irrelevant due to the fact this thread has been dead for so long, and to prevent the resurrection of a thread that may be completely irrelevant, I've closed the thread.

If the Original Poster would like to re-open this thread to continue talking about it, please message me or any other moderators. We'll be glad to re-open the thread.