Am I the generic jealous girlfriend?

[WhteRabbit]

Hello everyone, this is my first post.
All the support and positive feedback on this site is incredible and I would greatly appreciate some advice on a personal situation. Am I blind to a reality or am I just overreacting? I can't distinguish between the two extremes.

I've had my boyfriend for about 7-8 months now (it was never official, but he eventually began calling me his girlfriend...) and I'm torn between an array of suspicions and paranoia. I'm not sure if I'm just the generic jealous girlfriend or if I'm letting too much slide by. Advice is greatly appreciated. So here goes...

A year ago I had a boyfriend but discovered we didn't have much in common. I ended our relationship as best I could and explained my reasoning. He naturally felt horrible and wanted to continue it but I knew we were much too different on a grand scale. Naturally, he was probably hurting the most, but I also felt a harsh tugging inside. Break ups hurt both individuals.

Not even a week later, he asks my best friend out. This caught me off-guard as I had to find out on my own a month later. Not only did this sting, but it takes two tango. I never thought anything of their interactions because she was afterall my best friend and the other, my boyfriend. In my experience, most guys will only ask a girl out if he thinks he has atleast a 90% chance of a yes. This bestfriend and ex boyfriend situation made me uneasy. What sort of connections were going on during my past relationship? And why did my bestfriend felt she needed to keep this important fact on the down low? Is this normal?

Eventually I kept catching this "bestfriend" in many lies where I no longer wished to speak to her and told her so.

Letting all that go, a few months later I became interested in another guy. So I did the whole "give-you-all-of-my-attention thing" and things seemed to be going great. Then along came the spider. This ex-best friend of mine began flirting with my new love interest. I even called her out on it and she denied everything; she ended the conversation by calling me a jealous B.

Well, I trugged along and eventually this love interest became my boyfriend. But I messed up, the spider now knew my weak spot. She wouldnt stay away from him.

Presently, she's still around and has weaved her way into my current boyfriends family. She's now dating my boyfriends younger sister.

My boyfriend and her text message constantly, hug, and he even offers her his coat.

Of course they're going to be close now, she's always around because of her relationship with his younger sister.

I don't know what to do. If I point out to him of my ex-best friends past actions, I'll probably be deemed a jealous female dog; afterall, what's wrong with text messaging and offerings of outer attire, right? That a host of small other incidents spark my suspiscion.

I'm a hardcore loyalist, I do nothing to spark his suspiscion, I wouldn't even consider it. I don't hug other guys or come remotely close to flirting with them. I have a boyfriend.

Can my guy be considered emotionally cheating? Does that even count? I don't know what to do, it seems no matter how hard I try, this revengeful ex-best friend weaves her way back into my life.

1. Can my boyfriend "emotionally" cheat on me? Does that count?
2. Should I break up with him? Do things seem sketchy? and if so, how do I not come off as a jealous B?
3. Am I over reacting? or do I deserve better?
4. And how do I get this ex-bestfriend out of my life for good? She poisons everything she touches.

Much thanks, every reply is greatly appreciated.
WhteRabbit

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by WhteRabbit

Presently, she's still around and has weaved her way into my current boyfriends family. She's now dating my boyfriends younger sister.
WhteRabbit

Hi White Rabbit~

Is your former best friend a bisexual? Would your boyfriend want to date her at the same time she's dating his little sister? I'm confused on that point.

But, I think first of all, that you should tell your boyfriend that this girl's actions make you uncomfortable and why. He can then choose how he wants to respond and what actions he feels like taking. I don't think that it is unreasonable to feel betrayed by this former friend, but I also think that you are assuming that this boyfriend and last boyfriend will act the same way, which may or may not be true. Be honest with him about how you feel and give him a chance.

Good luck!

[ixmatus]

Bring it up with him; it sounds like he genuinely enjoys being with you and would be receptive to a talk.

If you do bring it up, refrain from placing any blame or acting crazy (sudden movements and raised voices) - that has always turned my sensitive listening ears *off*. Be diplomatic and let him know that this is an issue for you and that you want comfort.

I know that if my girlfriend is being diplomatic and calm while she is bringing up something that bothers her I tend to try and work out a solution for it as if she were asking me why her car won't start - remind him that you want comfort not necessarily a solution. Oddly, in this case though it seems that comfort *is* the solution, so that might just go hand in hand anyways....

[WhteRabbit]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

Hi White Rabbit~

Is your former best friend a bisexual? Would your boyfriend want to date her at the same time she's dating his little sister? I'm confused on that point.

My former best friend stated she was a lesbian (after the incident with my former boyfriend). But recently, at a gathering, she spoke in a raised voice, made eye contact with my boyfriend and stated that she's bisexual. My boyfriend then responded with suprise, "really?? I didn't know that..." and dwelled on the thought for awhile.

To your second question, honestly, I'm not sure he would have a problem with it.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by WhteRabbit

My former best friend stated she was a lesbian (after the incident with my former boyfriend). But recently, at a gathering, she spoke in a raised voice, made eye contact with my boyfriend and stated that she's bisexual. My boyfriend then responded with suprise, "really?? I didn't know that..." and dwelled on the thought for awhile.

To your second question, honestly, I'm not sure he would have a problem with it.

Please stop enabling this woman. By making such a big deal out of everything she says and does, you are giving her tremendous power over you. She now has the ability to make you miserable with mere words. It doesn't even matter anymore whether or not she is actually out to ruin your life. You're set to do that all by yourself! Don't. Don't become a victim to such social paranoia.

On a similar note, stop doubting your boyfriend. So he dwelled on the thought that his sister's date is bisexual. Big deal! If you start reading into everything and over-analyzing every word, sooner or later you'll paint yourself into a corner. You're destroying the basis of trust in your relationship and once that is gone, the relationship is doomed.

[NotesMaeve]

^^^ Agreed with what Jim said.

I had a problem awhile back being jealous over Slamhot's ex. Fact is, that was over 20 years ago. She's a very nice lady, but their time is over, and it's good they had a chance to reconnect.

People will always be sexually attracted to your partner if he's a sexually attractive person, but you keep honesty and kindness in the forefront of the relationship, and you'll find you get very few surprises.

[Dharma]

I agree with the two above me. Maybe I can add some perspective with your questions.

1. Can my boyfriend "emotionally" cheat on me? Does that count?
No. You can emotionally cheat on you though. (I see a pattern developing). If this boyfriend was just a "disposable-boyfriend" would you let yourself get so upset with things? Pretend he's disposable for a day and see if you lighten up. Yeah, and start hugging other guys if that's what you feel inside.

2. Should I break up with him? Do things seem sketchy? and if so, how do I not come off as a jealous B?
Maybe. Yes. who cares? Actually, start flirting with his sister.

3. Am I over reacting? or do I deserve better?
Yes AND yes.

4. And how do I get this ex-bestfriend out of my life for good? She poisons everything she touches.
What issues does the ex-bestfriend bring you? Prolly what you're dealing with right now. If you deal with those things and emotions inside you, you'll have no need for the ex to shove them in your face.

[WhteRabbit]

Thanks everyone. Although I try to put such feelings aside, it's challenging.
Both my parents cheated on each other, ending in a bitter divorce, when I was younger.

I suppose that's why I'm so paranoid relationship-wise. I never saw that childhood incident coming. Needless to say, it was a huge shock. I guess it's something I'm still not over.

When she's cold, my boyfriend offers his coat and she wears it; When she walks by or comes around, my boyfriend instantly drops any physical contact we have at that moment (hugging, holding hands, etc) and steps a foot away from me. And no matter how hard I try to get the attention back, he brushes it off until she's gone or is no longer looking our way.

I will admit it hurts. a lot. Probably because I saw similar situations during that crazy period in my younger years.

and I will also admit that I screwed up. I asked the former best friend to stay away and expressed how upset it made me. I displayed my weak spot and I feel as if she took it and ran.

I will truly try to take everything that's been said to heart. It is about trust, but it just hurts when things don't feel right.

Again, all feedback is greatly appreciated.
Whterabbit