limiting social belief

[gnome01]

I have a belief that I believe is limiting me in many ways. I believe I might have gotten this off this site, but I think I probably took it out of context and applied it in ways it wasn't meant to be applied. That being said my belief is if I want to be more outgoing I have to be friends with people who are more outgoing as well. And also the reason why I'm not achieving my goals is because I'm spending too much time with shy quieter people. Any suggestions?

[JimOfferman]

I think you are right that your beliefs are limiting. Fortunately, you can change your beliefs! How would you like to turn those beliefs around into more empowering ones?

Don't blame the shy people you hang out with for not achieving your goals. They have nothing to do with that! Other people have absolutely no influence on your achievements. Not unless you live in the Heroes universe where someone like Matt Parker can command you to do things with his psychic powers (the dark side of me would love that ability).

Back in the real world, it is your life, your destiny, your responsibility. You want to be more outgoing? Start working to change the things within you that currently block you from being more outgoing! Take control!

[Rose of Cairo]

I'm curious about one thing: why do you want to be more outgoing in the first place?

Are you shy, or are you an introvert? (an introvert is a person, not necessarily shy, who gains energy while alone and spends it while with other people) Or do you have some difficulties expressing your feelings? Or can't you really laugh and be relaxed with other people? Are you afraid of what they might think about you, or not? Would you like to talk more?

What is the problem in your eyes, exactly?

And what does "being more outgoing" exactly mean for you? Do you want to lose some fear? Do you want to be more relaxed? To you want to know many people? Or do you want to be able to talk about your feelings with others? Or do you want to be a person everybody listens to at a party?

Which kind of person would you like to be when you are "more outgoing"?

[robertanthony]

A funny thing happened to me - I went on a training course to be a life coach - I wanted to be the best - so I hired a coach to adress my limiting beliefs - it was so important for me to find them. It turned out that I didn't really have any limiting beliefs that I could not fix solve or change when they turned up. The problem was given to me by people obsessed with limiting beliefs - it come's from a brand of psychology called N.L.P that gives people the impression that fixing your limiting beliefs and using affirmations will transform your life and then you can become the president of america or a millionaire.

[Jennihul]

Robert makes a great point.

Be careful of self-development. There are times when my husband is listening in on something I am studying and he'll shake his head and say "This stuff is for total losers? Why are you listening to this?"

My point to him is that I have never had trouble discerning between what I need to learn and what I already know. I can separate the wheat from the chafe with no problems. However, some people in SD world head into an area of study needing help with something specific and by the time they leave, they have developed the idea that there are a million things wrong with them. These problems are often projections of other people's own dysfunctions. Don't take them upon yourself by accident. Or grow them into monsters when they really only started out as fleas.

I've lived most of my life as a shy person. I made drastic changes like divorcing my first husband, getting myself in shape, moving to a new state, meeting a man more suitable to me and opening myself up to the idea that fear of rejection is really only fear of rejecting MYSELF, in disguise. I find it impossible to be shy any longer.

If you want to be more outgoing, you need to MODEL people who are more outgoing, not necessarily hang out with people who are more outgoing.

Jennifer

[robertanthony]

Originally Posted by Jennihul

Robert makes a great point.

Be careful of self-development. There are times when my husband is listening in on something I am studying and he'll shake his head and say "This stuff is for total losers? Why are you listening to this?"

My point to him is that I have never had trouble discerning between what I need to learn and what I already know. I can separate the wheat from the chafe with no problems. However, some people in SD world head into an area of study needing help with something specific and by the time they leave, they have developed the idea that there are a million things wrong with them. These problems are often projections of other people's own dysfunctions. Don't take them upon yourself by accident. Or grow them into monsters when they really only started out as fleas.

I've lived most of my life as a shy person. I made drastic changes like divorcing my first husband, getting myself in shape, moving to a new state, meeting a man more suitable to me and opening myself up to the idea that fear of rejection is really only fear of rejecting MYSELF, in disguise. I find it impossible to be shy any longer.

If you want to be more outgoing, you need to MODEL people who are more outgoing, not necessarily hang out with people who are more outgoing.

Jennifer

Thanks for that insight - Quality!

I was told to associate with successful people and to tell coaching clients to do the same - that seemed odd to me as the successful people I have met are very wary of hangers on as they mostly want trusted friends. Your so right about having a model.

[gnome01]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

What is the problem in your eyes, exactly?

Well the main reason I want to be more outgoing is to have more friends. My list of friends right now is very small and I'd like to build my relationships enough where I can go and do things with them on the weekends or whenever.

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

And what does "being more outgoing" exactly mean for you? Do you want to lose some fear? Do you want to be more relaxed? To you want to know many people? Or do you want to be able to talk about your feelings with others? Or do you want to be a person everybody listens to at a party?

I wouldn't really consider myself shy, but I think my problem is establishing connnections with people and really getting them to see who I truly am. I feel that most of my relationships are very shallow and have no true substance to them. I think this is so because I would really like to better communicate my feelings with others. hmmm I guess the problem isn't really that I'm shy or not outgoing. I think it's because I just want to talk to someone. I want to establish genuine relationships and not have all these shallow meaningless ones.

For some reason I guess I've always had alot of problems with this. At a time I was pretty shy, but now I feel I've developed my social skills pretty well. I don't know if its trust issues or what but for some reason its really hard for me. It may be that I fear what others will feel about me....if they'll judge me....if they'll think I'm crazy....but I don't quite know.

[gnome01]

Would anyone happen to have any suggestions or any tips on what I could do next. I have no idea where to begin and this issue is constantly bothers me.

Also I'd like to thank all the users who've already posted. You guys showed some great insite and I greatly appreciate it.

[Flash1988]

It's great that you wanna improve and build your friendships, I don't see any problem with it. If you aren't totally happy with the circle of friends you have right now, make it bigger.

Have you tried bringing your friends "out of their shell"?

I don't consider myself extroverted or introverted, I think it's limiting putting those kinds of labels on yourself; I have extro and introverted qualities. I love my time alone yet I party most weekends. It started with 1 friend I invited out, we met a bunch of other people. Now I have 2 'solid' friends I can go out with. I'm sure it will build over time.

Whether you believe this or not, I think who you surround yourself with -- you become (or become like).

Have you tried inviting your friends out to some place? Make it local or a place where they aren't massively outside of their comfort zone.

You might be able to get them to go pub with you, they might meet friends and now they enjoy going pub. Then you can talk about going to clubs.

People, including some of my friends have limiting beliefs about places I'm sure some are like "ugly people don't go to clubs", "I will be so out of place", "I don't like drinking", "It's too expensive".. These are all excuses/rationalisations. Telling your friends that they're excuses wont help either, that will make things worse. You gotta make them feel good about it and not push it upon them. You can still invite though.

If they wont have it. Go make some other friends that will. Some guys go out by themselves to start with and just get chatting. It's one of those comfort-zone things you need to get out of and 'just do it'. Some thing "I'll look weird by myself".. Yet someone comes up to them and when they mention that they're by themselves they're told how cool that is and you must have confidence to do that kind of thing.

I wish you the best of luck. As you know, your decisions and actions are massively important.

Hope this helps