Confidence

[Carl10]

My major aim is to improve my confidence in 2008, be able to make small talk better, build better relationships and become closer to my existing friends.

I've got just one problem, where do I start? It seems like such an overwhelming task. I've just ordered the book Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi which has been recommended to me but that aside, I have got no idea where to start. Any ideas?

[Winston]

Well, I'm not sure if you're also looking for how to meet new girls or find the right one, but if you are I know of a book that talks alot about building confidence, skyrocketing your social skills, and of course meeting new women. Its called "The Game" by Neil Strauss. Its changed peoples lives dude. check it out.

[LifeFirst]

Yeah I've read "The Game" but I can't BELIEVE how incredibly stupid some of the stuff is in there. I'm not saying that their techniques are stupid, I'm saying some of the things/jokes they say to girls.

I mean, I'm a guy but if some girl was trying to hit on me and saying corny things like that....I would just roll my eyes.

[Jennihul]

I was confident and I had trouble making friends in my staid old home state. I moved and they fall all over me here.

Maybe it's not you....

Jennifer

[ticktockclok]

Steve had a podcast about confidence. I think he viewed confidence as a resource everyone has and can tap into at any time.

[sunj]

I read the "The Game", I didn't like it that much because it seems to me that it conveys that techniques/lines/tricks/gimmicks need to be used. I didn't find anything in the book that implied explicitly/implicitly that confidence is one of the main characteristics for attracting women. I only read it once though. It was more of his life story, rather than a personal development book.

[Fullcrum]

Go out. Go out a set number of days, no matter what, even if you don't feel like it. It's fun as hell.

Meet people in your everyday life. Go out with these four things in mind:

1. Core confidence. Not situational confidence, which depends on external things. Core confidence...you're born with it. There is no reason for it, but it's there. Think of it as a default state, the one you're born with. CORE CONFIDENCE!

2. Do not give a sh*t what anyone thinks of you. This is rule number ONE, never break it. You find yourself caring, cut that out. I used to be made fun of in school all the time, these kids would literally call me out and verbalyl f*ck wtih me, sometimes pushing me around and stuff. See, I'd always come from the "I want to impress them so I can be cool," even though I never admitted it to myself. The day it finally clicked, I walked in and everyone was giving me **** over some shirt I was wearing. Didn't care. Haha, I think they got the picture. They all started supplicating to me and trying to impress. And then after some time we became friends. Bye bye chodey self.

3. Total unreactivity. Someone blows you off, you f*ck around with it, play with it, but enver take it personally. For me, I answer with off the wall random crap. Once someone was giving me **** about how my chest hairs showing, and I'm just like "Yeah dude... uh huh...yeah...yo, hug time!" I gave him a double hug and flipped his hoodie on himself, haaha. I wasn't friends with the dude before, but we became friends after that. Mutual respect. Unreactivity to the core.

4. Give value. You're a VALUE GIVER, not a value taker. Imagine how super-duper hard it would be to talk to someone if you wanted to give them $100. Then imagine how hard it would be if you wanted to TAKE $100. See the difference? That's the difference between giving and taking value (no it's got nothing to do with money, it's just a frame of mind where you're always expectant of a positive outcome. And sometimes things mess up, for whatever reason, the reasons's unimportant. I don't even remember the blowouts and back-turns. At least not the recent ones, the ones where I had this mindset.

5. Self amusement. I'd be willing to wager this is another of the top most important number one rules. Amuse yourself, not others. Self-entertainment. This separates you from the billions of people on this planet trying to impress others and qualify themselves. It isn't a damn resume, you're just vibing and meeting new people.

Have fun with this bro. If you want the place where I read stuff like this and more go to

Real Social Dynamics Blog

The only blogs I read are Steve's and this one. Life, dating, sex, etc. So have fun with it, and go out! You will NEVER get better sitting on your ass, there is not a case in HISTORY where sitting around stressing about or being aimless with the process got ANY results! So get out, preverrably 3-4 times a week. I meet people everywhere, all the time, whenever I'm out, and you can too! There is NOTHING stopping you, and if anything is, it's all in your head.

[sunj]

I like #3 and #4, especially #3 since no one does that.

[Fullcrum]

Yeah about that...make sure that you don't do it to make it "work", because that's outcome dependence and it sucks and then does not work...like when you do it to "work" because you need this super-magic-pill method because you by yourself is not enough...then it ceases to work. It is an EXPRESSION of your CORE and INTERNAL STATE. So you really are unreactive, because you really don't care, and then you are free to give value without concern and amuse yourself. See what I'm getting at?

[jaamkie]

Reading this because I'm thinking about similar goals... but my main problem is feeling like I don't have enough time between my work/commitments (single, live alone, relatively few commitments compared to most people), alone time to read/think/exercise, adequate sleep, and trying to socialize- how do y'all do it- putting in effort to becoming more confident/social without spending a lot of time on it? I tend to avoid social events unless I think they'll be high-value for the time spent... and then I feel bad that my social skills aren't that great... do y'all think that putting in some time/effort to improve my social skills would have enough of a return over time to justify it? Beyond just taking care of everyday life, my main goal right now is to further defining my life purpose and how to best live it... have been reading a lot, thinking a lot, but still unsure what direction I want to be moving... do you think that improving social skills and maybe bringing up my wondering to others might help me clarify where I should be going? (or will it just confuse me more?)

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by jaamkie

I tend to avoid social events unless I think they'll be high-value for the time spent...

All social events are high value for the time spent.

There really is NO trick to being successful at socializing. You go to a place, you meet people. If you have a good time, go back to the place and meet the same people. If you don't have a good time, go some place else next time. It's that simple!

[Fullcrum]

This is only my opinion, and I want to qualify it as such, but you don't find your life purpose sitting on your ass thinking all day. Those kinds of insights, in my experience, come only when you're living life and something catalyzes you to step up to the plate and become a better person. Otherwise, you'll do purpose exercises and get no where, because you really don't see the point. This is how it was for me, I was like "OMG, I'm gonna find my purpose, the magic pill for all my existence so that I can no longer do work, ever." Haha. Then I went out and started experiencing negative emotions as a reaction to external stimuli (rejection, blow outs, mostly social context). If I were living in a perfect world of enlightened people with no egos acting straight from their true intentions, I'd probably not experience the social conditioning required to feel negative emotions, but the thing is, I don't live in that world, so I do feel them. With that said, those emotions catalyzed the drive to find my purpose.

So I'll tell you: go out. To answer your question, yeah, I think socializing is very worth your time. Just like working on any other part of your life. The thing is social success is in direct relation to how much you let go, unless of course you're learning magic tricks to fool people into liking you. If you want real fulfillment, you'll let go of the outcome, and the more you let go and do not care what others think of you, ever, the more social success you'll have. Whereas with work you can do it while stressed, under pressure, etc, as with many things, socializing FORCES you to let go of the outcome. It forces you to observe subtlety in action. It is my belief that socializing and REALLY pushing your envelope, your comfort zone, your ass, whatever you call it, to become among the best, that is one of the most direct paths to the feeilng of presence, stillness, and nowness. Call me crazy but I've experienced it on occasion, on a truly on night. The energy that simple interactions can build is extremely intense, and I'd not want anyone to NOT feel the powerful intensity it can bring you when you do it right.

So get out there and have fun! I'm young and have a similar schedule to you (not so many commitments). It's EASY to manage it, you just have to want it. I don't know your situation, but I know you can find a way.

Hope this helped. Have fun with it!

[Parthon]

You are already confident you just don't know it yet.

All that's there to do is to give up all the fears in your life. All the concerns, worries and axieties that are around, find them all and let them go. Get rid of them, each and every one. Find ways to send them on their way. Underneath all that fear is the confidence and courage you wish you had when you already do.

The first place I would look is social. Worrying about what people think of you. Worrying that you might say the wrong thing. Worrying that others won't like you. Scared that things won't turn out okay. All of these are fears that should be given up, gone. Don't try and create courage, just keep reducing fear and the courage will come forth on it's own. From there all you need to develop is wisdom and you are set.

[Artistka]

Hi! I know how you feel. i have the same problem with confidence, but the things are going better. i ll tell you what helped me, hanging out with superconfident people. A month ago i spend whole month living with a college(it was exchange student program) who is extremely confident. i must say that that girl isn't something special, average person (in all senses of the word), but she achieves great results in life due to her attitude. She is not very pretty or good looking, but she thinks and make man beleive that she is the most beautiful woman they had ever dated. It is amazing! She loves herself, thinks that she is valuable and unique. Living with her in the same apartment made me feel more confident in myself, i started to appreciate myself more.

[Michael Chui]

Originally Posted by Fullcrum

3. Total unreactivity. Someone blows you off, you f*ck around with it, play with it, but never take it personally. For me, I answer with off the wall random crap. Once someone was giving me **** about how my chest hairs showing, and I'm just like "Yeah dude... uh huh...yeah...yo, hug time!" I gave him a double hug and flipped his hoodie on himself, haaha. I wasn't friends with the dude before, but we became friends after that. Mutual respect. Unreactivity to the core.

Agree, but I boldfaced the part that's actually important. "unreactivity" isn't really what happened. Reacting spontaneously and in a friendly and playful way was.

[Fullcrum]

I agree. I said that because usually I'll just ignore the other guy. Oftentimes I don't even notice cause I'm doing my own thing.

I mean unreactive in your own mind. There's no emotional "reaction" inside your head, which would translate to nervousness or a freeze-up on the surface.

[mlc82]

I have to second Fullcrum here, just go out and start talking to random people as much as you can. Male or female either one, don't try to "hit on" them or anything just yet (unless you really want to), just get used to talking to people you don't know and being yourself! It sounds kind of simple, but for many it isn't so easy to do- I used to be really shy, so I know how it feels. So long as you don't have any set expectation, such as trying to get a date or make a new friend, you really don't have anything to fear from talking to others, and so it comes along much easier in the sense that you're just making friendly conversation as opposed to expecting any sort of result.

Confidence really comes from learning how you'll react to given situations, and how to control yourself in those situations, so IMO (and experience), the best way to do that is to just start forcing yourself to interact with others outside of your "comfort zone". I can give examples if you'd like, just let me know

[David365]

Confidence is a tangible and definite feeling you experience within yourself. That emotional feeling drives you forward, shapes your beliefs - particularly the belief that you can do what you want to do. If a past event gives you confidence, when confronted with a similar situation you are likely to feel positive about doing it again.
Most people have several things they're good at and confident at - we tend to forget that and its useful to remind ourselves of our successes rather than dwelling on what we have problems with.
If the heart of your confidence problem is in social situations, start small - set yourself targets to talk to people in non important situations. Be interested in them, not focused on you. If you want to get closer to your existing friends - get more interested in them.

[Flash1988]

Maybe just start with asking for the time/directions, whatever.

Or go to a shop and remember to ask "how are u doing" or "hows business". Don't look for the right moment (this is odd because in a way, you do need to do it in the right moment).. Just say it. 90% will respond normally or warm.

Read my article "7 Reasons You Should Talk to Strangers", I spoke about this. I work on it myself. Check it out here.

[Michael Chui]

That's a good start, Flash1988, but as Fullcrum indicated, you should eventually GIVE value, too.

[Flash1988]

Agree.

I think just asking someone how they are doing is a way of offering value. Depends if the person can recieve it also.

[Fullcrum]

How you doing and What's up guys are two of my favorite "lines" to give value.

That said I don't use lines or think of it.

Giving value is really about an UNADULTERATED EXPRESSION of what's inside.

Unstifled.

Unforgiving.

Unreactive.

Raw.

Real.

Damn, it's that simple. Put yourself out there and be. Be unstifled. Interact without remorse, without APOLOGY for YOURSELF. Ever. You never apologize for YOURSELF. Sure, I can apologize for actions, or disrespect, or something like that. But NEVER YOURSELF. "Oh, I'm so sorry I exist, can you guys help me feel better?" That's Value TAKER. Value giving: "Hey, what's up guys! You guys are awesome! I just had to meet you!" Full cup. Overflowing with value. Value can be created and given but it can NEVER BE DESTROYED, only taken. "I want value for myself, you guys can't have it, please let me take your value so that I can feel good about myself." This is bad.

This stuff is learned if you go out, so go out and have a blast GIVING VALUE!

[Erock]

I'm with Fulcrum on the Real Social Dynamics forum. They give a lot of great social advice there, but it's mostly about picking up girls.

In my experience, to get confidence, the best way is to hang around other confident people. One fantastic mindset to adopt (from RSD) is to always be adding value to any social situation. I do this by always having a couple funny stories to tell and some interesting things to talk about. I talk and laugh loudly, tease girls, and make fun of just about everything. If you practice adding value in this way, people are going to want to be around you and you will have confident friends in no time.

If you are not adding value to social situations, you will have a tough time making confident, cool friends. The first couple times you hang out with a new group of people are the key times to be adding value. Otherwise, people will not see any reason to invite you back again. Really confident guys (the types you want to be friends with) simply do not have room in their lives for people that are not in someway enhancing their social situations. I know this is true, because I find myself acting like that now. If a new guy hangs out with our group, and he isn't funny, or he doesn't talk very much, or he acts weird or mean, or is insecure when someone teases him, he will probably not be invited back.

The other thing to keep in mind though about trying to find confident, cool groups of people to hang out with is that you are going to have to invite yourself to stuff for awhile. A really awesome, confident guy that already has 10 really close friends is not going to call you to go to a movie, because that is just simply too much effort. It's not that he doesn't want you to come, it's just that you're too far down the list for a default call. But if you call him and ask him what he's up to, and he says he's going to a movie with the group, you will surely be invited. Do not be afraid to invite yourself to stuff. That is how you break into a group.

Good Luck
Erock

[jshine2]

I don't recommend tactical books like "The Game" or "Mystery Method" off the bat...if your aim is just to build confidence. I'd get those books later on.. to do a more educated comparison and study between your game and theirs.

Once you've actually built confidence, you might even surprise yourself that you do have a lot of game, and those books you thought you needed weren't necessary, and your natural game far better suits you, while the book's game better suits the author.

I started out by reading a lot of the books before having the initial confidence, and I just hated having to say a lot of the "canned openers" the books had. After doing more research and field-testing some of the ideas the seduction community had to offer, I realized the key component that made those canned lines work was just believing in them.

The bottom line is.. if you believe your game is awesome, it is.

Don't plan anything out. Just go for broke. Let the field be your teacher. Document your field reports in a journal and ways to improve.

A method I really like for building large amounts of confidence is going to a nearby public bathroom stall, and not letting yourself leave unless you're going to totally rip the room apart. That way if you have any insecurities or fears you can deal with them there, instead of cramping up in-field. It's like taking an emotional dump in the toilet, instead of just a physical one.