...afraid to have sex, but really, really want to...

[Bliss Sage]

Hi.

I need some advice about a problem I have. I have two strong conflicting desires/emotions. I am really afraid to have sex, but I really want to also. I am sort of old...to not have had it...The reasons for my having waited have been changing over the years...I think. The latest experience I had with a guy changed something in me. I don't really want to wait anymore, but I have this enormous fear of how I will feel afterwards and I'm afraid I will go into a downward spiral of depression, because the guy won't stay with me. I guess I had been waiting all these years for a guy I love who loves me who will stay with me.

I have previous experience "messing around" with a guy and at one point, I was grasping onto him with a death grip because I was so tense with fear and ... maybe confusion and I didn't let go of my grip for a long time, as if I was paralyzed. I don't know exactly what it is. Subsequent experiences of messing around have resulted in my shaking a lot, feeling very weak and tired and being barely conscious during the experience. I think I passed out after the most recent incident, but I stayed conscious during the incident enough to tell him I didn't want him to do "that"...

I am expecting a visit from the guy I love within a month or two and we have so much to talk about that a lifetime wouldn't suffice, but he is only coming for a day and now all I can think about is ... x-rated . But after those thoughts, I see myself as he leaves and I fall apart in tears begging him not to go and he goes and I am devastated and alone and our situation is such that we may never see each other again.

It would also be awful to waste this one day we have together having sex instead of talking, which we so desperately need to do.

I don't know what to do.