...afraid to have sex, but really, really want to...

[Bliss Sage]

Hi.

I need some advice about a problem I have. I have two strong conflicting desires/emotions. I am really afraid to have sex, but I really want to also. I am sort of old...to not have had it...The reasons for my having waited have been changing over the years...I think. The latest experience I had with a guy changed something in me. I don't really want to wait anymore, but I have this enormous fear of how I will feel afterwards and I'm afraid I will go into a downward spiral of depression, because the guy won't stay with me. I guess I had been waiting all these years for a guy I love who loves me who will stay with me.

I have previous experience "messing around" with a guy and at one point, I was grasping onto him with a death grip because I was so tense with fear and ... maybe confusion and I didn't let go of my grip for a long time, as if I was paralyzed. I don't know exactly what it is. Subsequent experiences of messing around have resulted in my shaking a lot, feeling very weak and tired and being barely conscious during the experience. I think I passed out after the most recent incident, but I stayed conscious during the incident enough to tell him I didn't want him to do "that"...

I am expecting a visit from the guy I love within a month or two and we have so much to talk about that a lifetime wouldn't suffice, but he is only coming for a day and now all I can think about is ... x-rated . But after those thoughts, I see myself as he leaves and I fall apart in tears begging him not to go and he goes and I am devastated and alone and our situation is such that we may never see each other again.

It would also be awful to waste this one day we have together having sex instead of talking, which we so desperately need to do.

I don't know what to do.

[Ak47]

not a doctor.

but it sounds like it is or similar to sexual aversion disorder

either way it's obviously anxiety related. try some anxiety recuding activities, etc

[Laranja]

The golden rule: first mariage then sex. No need to have fear. Why do you want to have sex with a guy who is not commited enough to stay with you for a lifetime? Offcourse he will hurt you. That's why you have fear. Don't want to wait? Than marry him. No need to wait for Mr. Perfect, he won't come around anyway. What makes your mate "perfect" (and the sex with him) is staying together no matter what and working the relationship. There is no easy way out.

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by Laranja

The golden rule: first mariage then sex. No need to have fear. Why do you want to have sex with a guy who is not commited enough to stay with you for a lifetime? Offcourse he will hurt you. That's why you have fear. Don't want to wait? Than marry him. No need to wait for Mr. Perfect, he won't come around anyway. What makes your mate "perfect" (and the sex with him) is staying together no matter what and working the relationship. There is no easy way out.

Well, that was both upsetting and depressing to read.

Firstly, the Golden Rule is "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Originally Posted by Laranja

Why do you want to have sex with a guy who is not commited enough to stay with you for a lifetime?

Well...because this is 2007 and men don't want to stay with a girl for a lifetime. The usual choice in this day and age is to stay alone emotionally, physically and in every other way imaginable (which requires the elimination of virtually all interactions with men, and I have no girlfriends at all) or finding a way to conform to the norms of society. Naturally I have thought there is something wrong with me psychologically, because I can't live the lifestyle of everyone else. I have a fear.

You tell me there's no need to have fear and then you say of course he will hurt me.

[NotesMaeve]

^^^ Please. I want to try the goods before I commit! Sex is way too important to learn on your wedding night that there's no spark or he's plain bad in bed. And my Slamhot Boy is choosing to marry me and I put out the first night we were officially dating. And no, that would not make him perfect if I stayed despite him being lousy in bed.

Of course, what do I know? I'm just with one of the sexiest, smartest, hottest, sweetest men on the planet. :-) AND he does it like a freaking adult film star AND it makes me love him more.

Bliss Sage, sex with a new person is always scary for me, too, even though I love sex. I have a small vagina/pelvis, and yep, it can be painful and I used to worry about that and get wound up. Some stuff that helps me:

Take turns just touching and being with one another. Give him a massage. Let him give you one.

TELL HIM how to touch you and ask him how he likes to be touched.

If he does something you don't like, tell him to stop. He will.

Tell him about your fears.

And sex with love is never a waste, baby girl. It's one of the most beautiful experiencces two in love folks can share.

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

^^^ Please. I want to try the goods before I commit!

This is another reason I have waited so long. I absolutely hate this thinking. I hate comparing myself or someone I love to a product. I hate the "test-drive the car before I buy it" and "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" analogies too. I am not a thing or a piece of meat.

Sex is way too important to learn on your wedding night that there's no spark or he's plain bad in bed.

How can someone with limited or no experience in bed (meaning someone like me) judge the "bed skills" of someone else?

And my Slamhot Boy is choosing to marry me and I put out the first night we were officially dating.

But the point is, would he ever have given you the time of day if you had wanted to wait until you were married before having sex with him? Or if you wanted to wait a long time? I have been passed over by men on more than one occasion because I wouldn't "put out." How do you think that makes me feel? And how should I think about those men then? I think they are looking for prostitutes who don't charge them any money and they want to turn me into one of their prostitutes.

The best solution I can conceive of right now is to get rid of this fear I have and try to be like a "normal" person, be able to have sex with him and be happy and emotionally stable, even after he leaves. At least I can choose who will be my first, even if he won't stay with me...

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

This is another reason I have waited so long. I absolutely hate this thinking. I hate comparing myself or someone I love to a product. I hate the "test-drive the car before I buy it" and "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" analogies too. I am not a thing or a piece of meat.

YOU are not the product. SEX is a product, which can be made made, bought, and sold by people, much like soap! And the "products" you bring to a relationship, those valuable things that are bought and sold every day - humor, good looks, sex, brains, brawn, kindness - are important. You pick out the valuable qualities that really matter and you go looking for those. In that sense, it's a bit like a purchase.

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

How can someone with limited or no experience in bed (meaning someone like me) judge the "bed skills" of someone else?

Do you feel loved, appreciated, and totally connected at the end of sex with the person? Failing that, count the number of orgasms you had.

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

But the point is, would he ever have given you the time of day if you had wanted to wait until you were married before having sex with him? Or if you wanted to wait a long time? I have been passed over by men on more than one occasion because I wouldn't "put out." How do you think that makes me feel? And how should I think about those men then? I think they are looking for prostitutes who don't charge them any money and they want to turn me into one of their prostitutes.

I can't imagine this crazy world where I don't want to jump Slamhot Boy's bones. Seriously. Our relationship, the romantic one, started on the basis of an amazing sexual connection.

So guys want to have sex with you. Guys want to have sex. So do women! And you imply getting paid for sex is a bad thing. I wouldn't want a partner who doesn't want sex and lots of it with me within the first month. That's a friendship. I have lots of those.

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

The best solution I can conceive of right now is to get rid of this fear I have and try to be like a "normal" person, be able to have sex with him and be happy and emotionally stable, even after he leaves. At least I can choose who will be my first, even if he won't stay with me...

You don't have to have sex if you don't want to, honey. Lots of men don't put a super high priority on sex and I'm positive there's a good lot of loving men that aren't that into sex. But choose to have sex, or not, because YOU don't want to. Don't be ruled by fear.

Women who enjoy sex outside of marriage are just as good as the ones that do. My God, if amount of sex outside of marriage meant I was a good or bad person, I'd be Osama bin Laden. Your choice says nothing about you as a person.

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

YOU are not the product. SEX is a product, which can be made made, bought, and sold by people, much like soap! And the "products" you bring to a relationship, those valuable things that are bought and sold every day - humor, good looks, sex, brains, brawn, kindness - are important. You pick out the valuable qualities that really matter and you go looking for those. In that sense, it's a bit like a purchase.

For that analogy to apply, both parties have to have this same understanding. I don't like to think of these things as products or of the things that make me who I am, or that make him who he is, as products. It feels bad, especially if he "buys" the product, uses it for a day and then either returns it, breaks it or throws it in the garbage.

So guys want to have sex with you. Guys want to have sex. So do women!

That latter point is something I'm trying to come to terms with - like I said earlier, the most recent experience I had changed me, and I wanted the guy to keep going ... and I thought about the incident for days, even more than a week afterwards.

I wouldn't want a partner who doesn't want sex and lots of it with me within the first month. That's a friendship. I have lots of those.

hmm...I don't have any - and attempted friendships with men...suffice it to say the last incident happened with "a friend".

You don't have to have sex if you don't want to, honey.

I do want to, that's the problem. It was easy when I didn't want to, or thought I didn't. The problem is that this desire has created a conflict in me. It is a threat to my emotional stability, which is always on shaky ground as it is.

Lots of men don't put a super high priority on sex and I'm positive there's a good lot of loving men that aren't that into sex.

And I don't want a man who isn't very interested in sex. On the contrary. That I have waited so long does not mean I don't want to do it or that I wouldn't do it ... 5 times a day if the circumstances were right. The circumstances have never been right.

But choose to have sex, or not, because YOU don't want to. Don't be ruled by fear.

I guess it's fear...

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

The best solution I can conceive of right now is to get rid of this fear I have and try to be like a "normal" person

Bliss, you are perfectly normal and you don't need to change. Being afraid of something new isn't a problem, unless you let that fear hold you back (which, from the sound of it, you aren't going to do).

Don't get to worked up over this guy's visit. If you guys connect in an x-rated way, enjoy! Otherwise rest assured that there are other guys out there who you can and at some point will connect with.

Don't worry!

[ChangeYourTree]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

Hi.

I need some advice about a problem I have. I have two strong conflicting desires/emotions. I am really afraid to have sex, but I really want to also. I am sort of old...to not have had it...The reasons for my having waited have been changing over the years...I think. The latest experience I had with a guy changed something in me. I don't really want to wait anymore, but I have this enormous fear of how I will feel afterwards and I'm afraid I will go into a downward spiral of depression, because the guy won't stay with me. I guess I had been waiting all these years for a guy I love who loves me who will stay with me.

I have previous experience "messing around" with a guy and at one point, I was grasping onto him with a death grip because I was so tense with fear and ... maybe confusion and I didn't let go of my grip for a long time, as if I was paralyzed. I don't know exactly what it is. Subsequent experiences of messing around have resulted in my shaking a lot, feeling very weak and tired and being barely conscious during the experience. I think I passed out after the most recent incident, but I stayed conscious during the incident enough to tell him I didn't want him to do "that"...

I am expecting a visit from the guy I love within a month or two and we have so much to talk about that a lifetime wouldn't suffice, but he is only coming for a day and now all I can think about is ... x-rated . But after those thoughts, I see myself as he leaves and I fall apart in tears begging him not to go and he goes and I am devastated and alone and our situation is such that we may never see each other again.

It would also be awful to waste this one day we have together having sex instead of talking, which we so desperately need to do.

I don't know what to do.

Do you have any sexual abuse in your past?

What is your relationship with your parents like?

[Angela]

Bliss Sage, it sounds to me like you're absolutely terrified of being abandoned. Like your fear has less to do with sex than with what happens after sex. Is this old pain, or something you saw or experienced in your childhood?

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by Angela

Bliss Sage, it sounds to me like you're absolutely terrified of being abandoned.

I agree. But been wondering how a fear of abandonment could extend into so many different realms of life...and how is it that I still have it...and if I get rid of it, will that fear of him leaving me afterwards go away? It's actually a really desperate kind of gripping feeling.

Like your fear has less to do with sex than with what happens after sex.

Exactly.

Is this old pain, or something you saw or experienced in your childhood?

Yes. It's a lifelong fear.

Do you have any sexual abuse in your past?

Not that I can remember.

What is your relationship with your parents like?

I ended my contact with my dad just over a year ago. With my mom...relative to us, our relationship is better than ever, but relative to mother-daughter relationships...she never really was the "mother-type".

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I don't think sex is the problem here. You'll know whether you enjoy it and with practice will get to know what you like. That part gets more comfortable with time. I was 25 the first time I had sex.

Your fear seems like it amounts to panic at being left. Really you can never be abandoned because you have everything you need within yourself. From the looks of it you have walls erected all around in an attempt to preempt anyone getting close enough to hurt you when they leave. I agree with Angela that this probably comes from a time so long ago you might not even consciously remember it! Dig down to the root of your fear of abandonment and let that go and I think the sex issue will hardly phase you. When you realize the massive amount of strength you have inside, everything becomes a pleasure or a challenge -- never a terror.

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

I don't think sex is the problem here. You'll know whether you enjoy it and with practice will get to know what you like. That part gets more comfortable with time. I was 25 the first time I had sex.

I'm well past 25. And nearly "past my prime".

Your fear seems like it amounts to panic at being left. Really you can never be abandoned because you have everything you need within yourself. From the looks of it you have walls erected all around in an attempt to preempt anyone getting close enough to hurt you when they leave.

And yet I get hurt anyway, even being protective. I wonder how the walls manifest in my behavior...

I agree with Angela that this probably comes from a time so long ago you might not even consciously remember it! Dig down to the root of your fear of abandonment and let that go and I think the sex issue will hardly phase you. When you realize the massive amount of strength you have inside, everything becomes a pleasure or a challenge -- never a terror.

That sounds great. I am trying to find the root of my problems with EFT, but I remember so little from my youth. My parents' divorce was a nasty turning point, but I know I was scared and alone long before that, as far back as I can remember. I don't know why, I can't remember anything. I guess I'll just keep persisting...

Thanks to everyone for their answers

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

I'm well past 25. And nearly "past my prime".

Hmmmm....I'm 46 and just hitting mine!

It's never too late to be your best self, Bliss Sage, and if part of your best self is achieving a rewarding, comfortable, fearless relationship with yourself and others - I say more power to you!

I agree with aspiring that sex is just a metaphor here for vulnerabilities, unknowns, and other fears.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

I'm well past 25. And nearly "past my prime".

Oh, hardly! Women, apparently, reach their sexual peak generally in their 30s, sometimes later depending on the person.

• Not just a headache, darling
• Do we really have a sexual prime?

I reached mine at 17. It was about 2pm on July 22. I was alone.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I think that you expect to get hurt and so you do. Also, in reading your posts I can literally see walls all around you. I don't mean that to sound hurtful at all, just that it's evident to someone looking at it from the outside. I really feel that if you can search out that point where you decided that you were alone or unworthy or whatever the case may be, you can then loose its hold over you and go on to enjoy fulfilling relationships.

And I am a firm believer that every new moment is your prime. You can never pass it! You mentioning that you are well past 25 doesn't change how I see the situation. It just may be a little harder work to untangle the reasons you got to this point, but then the payoff will be even that much greater.

If you can take one thing from me at all, let it be the knowledge that the hard work is worth it.

[DayInTheLife]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

And yet I get hurt anyway, even being protective.

Yep. You will get hurt in life. Repeatedly. Don't convince yourself it can be avoided. There will never be nothing to be afraid of.

As for fear of abandonment, you're going to have to put yourself at risk for abandonment anyway. Even if you choose to never have sex, there are still going to be other ways in which you are emotionally invested in another person, and losing that person is going to hurt. Sex has nothing to do with that.

I doubt you took the 'marriage before sex' suggestion to heart, but in case you did, realize that marriage does not remove or reduce the possibility of abandonment in any way.

And so what if someone does abandon you? Every relationship ends, either by breakup or by death. Life and everything in it is temporary.

You have to take the plunge sometime, just make sure it is a man who respects you.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Oh, in addition to the other things I said, I can recommend a couple of books:

I Need Your Love - Is That True by Byron Katie (also The Work on her website)
Comfortable With Uncertainty by Pema Chodron
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

These have been a great help to me.

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by Lola

Hmmmm....I'm 46 and just hitting mine!

Well, I'll be 40 soon. People say that your body starts to go downhill at about this age. I'm not as flexible as I used to be, but other than that, I think it's the same as when I was in high school. I guess that won't last forever though.

Aspiring, can I send you a pm? I have been trying to recall some memories and I don't think I can identify the feelings I had in them. I wonder if it was really fear...or if I am just mixing all different bad emotions up, and if what I feel in these memories reflects this fear I experience when the man leaves...

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Of course you can PM me. I will try to help to the best of my abilities.

[Dharma]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

The best solution I can conceive of right now is to get rid of this fear I have and try to be like a "normal" person, be able to have sex with him and be happy and emotionally stable, even after he leaves.

Then you have to choose to be present. All your fears you've stated live in the future. Will he stay? Will I be alone? If I have sex with him (now) will he leave (future)? All that fear keeps you from feeling what's going on inside you... here... now. (and what you're avoiding, I've learned by the zany nature of our creaturehood, will have nothing to do with sex or your past, so don't go there looking for an answer.)

Sex is going to open up the element of fire in you. And fire don't have no respect for fear. Sex is powerful and it will push on your denial and your fear because fire wants to move, and it will bring up anything that gets in its way. Why do you think the fire dies out in the first 5 years of marriages? Cuz we don't want to deal with our s**t! The fire of sex brings up our issues.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

For that analogy to apply, both parties have to have this same understanding. I don't like to think of these things as products or of the things that make me who I am, or that make him who he is, as products. It feels bad, especially if he "buys" the product, uses it for a day and then either returns it, breaks it or throws it in the garbage.

I love Slamhot's legs. I think they're the hottest, sexiest legs I've ever seen. If they fell off tomorrow, it wouldn't change my immense attraction to him. The fact that I love legs and he has the best pair in the world is just a bonus.

The emotional qualities... If he stopped being the sweetest boy on earth, stopped being the gentle human I love so much who talks baby talk to the cats and has an outrageous dadaistic sense of humor, yeah, we'd have to renegotiate some stuff.

Your qualities ARE what you offer a partner, but you cannot be broken. And part of love is running a risk. Sorry, toots.

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

hmm...I don't have any - and attempted friendships with men...suffice it to say the last incident happened with "a friend".

Make more friends!

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

I do want to, that's the problem. It was easy when I didn't want to, or thought I didn't. The problem is that this desire has created a conflict in me. It is a threat to my emotional stability, which is always on shaky ground as it is.

And I don't want a man who isn't very interested in sex. On the contrary. That I have waited so long does not mean I don't want to do it or that I wouldn't do it ... 5 times a day if the circumstances were right. The circumstances have never been right.

I guess it's fear...

Because he might not love you even if you have sex. Sex and love can be paired, but they're not the same. Take a look at what you want. Date. Find a person who wants the same thing. It's all trial and error.

[ixmatus]

Just as many women leave sensitive men behind in the dust as men do to women. Stuffing every potentially awesome sex partner in your life into the, "He's going to abandon me..." category will only shackle you to this fear.

People love each other and people break up with each other to go love another - it is a natural thing.

Go have sex and stop freaking out about it. Being scared silly of having sex is akin to being scared silly of tasting chocolate mousse because you think there is a possibility (but don't know for sure!) you would be allergic to cocoa beans and therefore die after the first bite (don't you dare say, "I heard about this one person who...").

By the way, I had awesome sex with a 41yr old when I was 19; she was definitely in her prime and I was (still am) a ravenous sex monster that genuinely appreciates and loves women.

[ABdude]

Bliss Sage:

From my point of view it seems that you are worried about what MAY happen if you and the guy you love have sex. One thing I have learnt is that a lot of the times most of what we worry about never comes to pass, and if it does come to pass, then it is really isnt as bad as we thought it would be.

You have stated repeatedly that you are afraid of what will happen if you have sex. Well, if you can for a moment, try to think of what will happen and how you will feel if you do NOT have sex with the guy. Think of not just the physical pleasure you will feel, but also of the intimate connection that the two of you will share, even for just a moment.

I will give you a little story: A year and a half ago I was in a relationship with a girl who, at the time, was my perfect match. At the same time she was terrified of me leaving her, actually going so far as to break up with me first to prevent being hurt. At that time I was planning on moving to a different part of the country to begin a new life so in fact I was leaving her. In the end I had a long talk with her and one of the things I said was, "You and I both know I am moving far away. Instead of worrying about what will happen in the future, why not enjoy the time we can spend in the present. That way you will have fond memories after I do leave." She did eventually see my point and we ended up having fun with each other for a couple of more months before we broke up for reasons other than what I had mentioned.

As for feeling past-your-prime? Don't even think about things like that. In fact you have the enviable position of dating guys almost half your age but are in their sexual prime. In fact ask any guy in their twenties what their number two sexual fantasy is, and most of them will say it is sex with someone in their 30s or 40s (I can tell you it sure was one of MY fantasies).

[dangerlarson]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

Hi.

It would also be awful to waste this one day we have together having sex instead of talking, which we so desperately need to do.

I don't know what to do.

Wait until you get married - seriously, it will iron itself out. I know that's not that complete of an answer. I jumped the gun on sex and I'm still married to the woman of my dreams, but sex before marriage has some kind of detrimental effect that I can't quite put my finger on - it's there though. Even though things seem to suck where they are, you're doing the right thing. Just work on your relationship. Sex won't fix anything that is broken w/o commitment.

[daolover]

I was 24 when I lost my virginity. And I was scared as hell when it happened! My spouse was actually a virgin as well and we waited until we were married. For the majority of my life i was a christian, so that was my main reason in waiting. However, at the time I got married, (and about a year and a half beforehand) I was not a christian, but we felt that since we had waited so long, we would wait until marriage. And now, it's like, "whatever" when it comes to having sex.

People build it up to be this HUGE thing, and really, it is only huge because you do it with someone you love or care about. Now, some people have sex without love, and that's fine because it's their right to do so. But I have a feeling that you wantto feel that emotional connection with a person, and that's wonderful.

Something you should consider though, when thinking of having sex with this person you love who is coming in for a day--if you really see the relationship going nowhere, then is it worth it to have sex with him one time because you want to show him you love him, or would you rather wait to experience it with someone you can see daily and have sex with on more than one occasion ? If you know you will have anxiety over him leaving without having sex, then I don't know if it would be worth it to have sex and be anxious about that as well.

You know your heart and your heart seems to be telling you that you want to do it, but you want to wait for the right person. I'm not saying to wait until your married, but definately make sure that you wait until it feels right and you have the right man to encourage you through it.

BUT, ulitmately, it's up to you and the person you're going to have sex with. And honestly, it's not all that bad. It's so scary at first because you've never done it before, and it seems that the older you get the more anxious you become about having it. My spouse and I were like awkward 14 year olds, but it didn't matter because we loved eachother and that's why we were doing it.

You'll know when the time is right, you'll just feel it...