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12-05-2007, 06:13 AM
| #1 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 142
 |  Lonely College Freshman
Firstly i'd like to say that i'm not just lonely out of anywhere. I've been lonely more or less for the last 2 years or so. I moved away from my born-and-raised hometown and left all my friends 2 years ago. At my new high school i didn't make any friends; all of them seemed to be trouble makers or bookworms. I was avoiding the trouble makers, and i'm just not sure i can relate to a bookworm. While i can respect someone who's fact smart, i've always been an analytical thinking type myself. I think if i went to any old university and lived on campus i probably wouldn't have trouble making friends. I do not, however. I attend a community college and i commute- as do all other students. So, i'm not around any of them except for during class time. Just as well, we all commute from different places so there is good distance between many of us. I don't have a lot of time to talk, there are 10 minutes between classes. I'm 20 years old, and i seem to have trouble relating to my peers. So far i've made 4 aquaintances at the college they are 23, 23, 35, and 38. That's just great, and they're nice people, but they wouldn't be caught dead hanging out with a 20 year old i'm sure. Besides, i'd LIKE to find some people my age to relate to. I'm low on cash for social events, as most college students. As well, there aren't really any 'hang outs' in my city. I've tried making friends via internet with failure nearly every time- when it did work the friendships didn't work out. I'm a very unique guy. I tend to think for myself and of course that's WEIRD to everyone else, especially people who are 20.  I think that somewhat intimidates people, along with my vocabulary at times. Reminds me of 'Working Class Hero' - "Hate you if you're clever and dispise you if you're a fool" that's mostly how my peers seem to be in my eyes...I'm also afraid of large groups of people i don't know; i get unbearably anxious. Studdering and such. However, i am VERY sociable on in a more one-to-one type situation, i'm just not sure how to work myself into one or better yet working myself into one with someone whom i can relate to in some way(s). Tips on anything related to making friends please? Last edited by Ak47; 12-05-2007 at 06:16 AM. |
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12-05-2007, 07:24 AM
| #2 (permalink) |
| Member Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 84
| You have to create your opportunities
I've travelled a lot and lived in many different cities and countries and I can tell you that a social life and friends don't come about by accident. You have to work at these things and create opportunities for connecting with people. When I start in a new city I take a carpet bombing approach initially and try out lots of new things. Eventually a few things or a few people form the core from which a good social circle develops. I find evening classes very good for meeting new people because the people who sign up really want to be there so they are focused and you immediately find people with a shared interest and a sincere commitment to improve. You might have to organise a few things outside of class but if it relates to what people want to do/study then you will probably find it easy to get other people involved. I play guitar (I didn't start until I was 22) and that was the best decision I ever took, not just to start, but to persist with it. I learned a lot about life through playing guitar and I have made friends and had some supreme experiences through making music with and for other people. I recently joined a group that plays board games. I always thought that was maybe a bit dorky but then I decided "What the hell - I'll let me inner dork run free" That was a great decision. People who play board games are fun and sociable and it sparks off good social interaction. I am not very good at keeping up a constant flow of talk so I need some action to focus on and to talk about and gaming, evening classes, music help me with this. Plus I get to develop abilities, which builds confidence. Hope this helps, Nick Nick Pagan » About |
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12-05-2007, 04:08 PM
| #3 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 391
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Hard to say....if you don't have many friends. It certainly does NOT mean that you lack social skills. You seem to have them, but you're probably a little anxious. However, you probably think you're better than everyone else. And it probably shows? A good thing is to be humble. I mean, I'm a very arrogant person, but I never ever put other people down. I may say something about them or something about myself, but you can tell that I'm only joking when I say it. I do it in a way that connects with people, and at the same time very harmless. I'm not saying I have a lot of friends. I'm a senior in college and I never had much friends, but I always interact well with people regardless what their background is. But the thing is I don't talk much...I choose my words wisely.....and I don't really "hang out" with my friends at all...now that I think about it. It's more of a respect thing, I know you're there and I respect you. That type of thing. |
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12-05-2007, 04:15 PM
| #4 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 861
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Hey AK47, Could you join any organizations at school? I was a commuter at the school I graduated from, and it wasn't easy to meet new people when we all seemed to just show up for class and then leave right when they were over. But I know that there were groups and organizations of all kinds offered there. Some things where I live where the people are always open and friendly are "Food Not Bombs", which is a group of people that cook for the homeless and do other things. The kids here are always real friendly to people that want to join. Our local food co-op also runs on volunteers and is always looking for people. Our co-op has social events as well as monthly meetings where people get the chance to meet and interact as well. The last thing I thought of was getting a part time job somewhere like a coffee shop or a bookstore. When I was younger, I made most of my social connections through work. Hope this helps. Good luck! |
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12-05-2007, 04:35 PM
| #5 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 142
| Quote:
 it seems like every time i mention to someone that i play the guitar they just get snippety and are like OH, blah blah blah and go on about something completely different. nobody even asks me how long i've been playing.  thought about joining the chess club, which just opened up. might consider it more seriously. the big problem w/ group activities through/at school is i live 30 minutes away - not so bad usually but it's december now. thanks for the help- and anymore tips on guitar, etc would be appriciated. | |
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12-05-2007, 04:39 PM
| #6 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 391
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Do joining clubs really work? I guess it depends on the club you join, if you join a club with lots of people, then there's a good chance that those people already know each other and will leave you out, which is what happened to me to tell you the truth. After that I just didn't care about joining any clubs...at all.
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12-05-2007, 04:42 PM
| #7 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 142
| Quote:
Regardless, i tend to be a very polite person. Please, thank you, the works. I use them more than most adults; as well as smiling. I don't put other people down, never vocally anyway. In fact, i seldom judge people hardly at all- i'm very much against that. -i hate religious folk who are snooty like that. A big issue is the fact that most of my peers want to talk about how they got 'shitfaced' this weekend and it was so much fun, etc. It seems like that's all a lot of people ever have to talk about- which depresses me because i've watched drugs/alcohol ruin (and take) a lot of the lives of my friends in my old city. Controlling those things for recreation is okay imo, but most people can't or don't- esp if they have to use those experiences for small talk neigh daily, imo. Last edited by Ak47; 12-05-2007 at 04:48 PM. | |
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12-05-2007, 04:46 PM
| #8 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 142
| Quote:
i fear groups of people as well, so it'd probably be a bad idea for me personally. don't judge all groups based on experiences with one though... there are groups who're open to new friends and ones that are not. really i've thought about making friends a lot and i've come up with some stuff (not in order). 1. common interests (groups to join?) 2. things to do with that person (maybe related to common interest) (group activities?) 3. ask people lots of questions (but not too many!) <--this is key 4. smile 5. be polite even with those in mind i still have great difficulty making friends. it almost makes me uneasy. i do know i'm considered by many to be weird, so i just blame it on that. and technology, everyone is always on their cell phone anyway.maybe... this list is only effective for older people not from my generation. it's hard to say, i've been out of the loop for 2 years so i'm not sure what has changed in that time but it's very confusing for me. Last edited by Ak47; 12-05-2007 at 04:50 PM. | |
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12-05-2007, 05:02 PM
| #9 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 142
| Quote:
as far as volunteering for the homeless. it's probably an excellent idea. but, i'm very, very sensitive to the negative situation(s) of humanity in general and regardless of the fact it'd probably make me feel good about myself... it'd probably depress me since i tend to overanalyze. will take into consideration though. thanks. | |
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12-05-2007, 05:24 PM
| #10 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 861
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Do you have a local Craigslist or something like it where you are? Are you interested in playing your guitar in a group or something? You could try posting on Craigslist that you are a guitar player looking for a rock band to play with just for fun. That might get you a few people that you could make music with. My other thought is, that it seems to me, that younger people love to talk about "getting wasted" a lot more than they actually spend getting wasted (thankfully). So I think that it's more of a way for kids to try and connect with each other rather than they are really spending all their time actually doing it. I may be totally wrong about this though! |
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12-05-2007, 05:28 PM
| #11 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 1,823
| Quote:
I'd been staring at the fence for two years, wondering if there'd be life on the other side, before I finally decided to just go ahead and jump over. Don't do that to yourself! There IS life on the other side and plenty of it! happy jumpin'  Jim. | |
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12-05-2007, 05:30 PM
| #12 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 142
| Quote:
depends on the kids.. and A LOT is location. i used to get into a lot of trouble, i've done a few too many drugs in my 'experimental phase'. about half of them do it as much as they claim they do. the ones who do it all the time actually don't talk about it as much because they aren't TRYING to be cool, they dont' care to try and be cool. all they care about is getting drunk or high | |
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12-05-2007, 05:32 PM
| #13 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 142
| Quote:
i know i over-analyze. in fact i probably said it in this thread somewhere... haha. but, thank you. i'm going to have to remember that one.
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12-05-2007, 06:22 PM
| #14 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 1,823
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12-05-2007, 06:47 PM
| #15 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 19
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Like others have said, joining clubs is a good way to meet people with common interests. I recommend something like dancing. College clubs usually offer cheaper classes than studios, and it's a fun, sociable activity. Once I got better at it, my physical confidence increased, as did my social skills.
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12-05-2007, 07:39 PM
| #16 (permalink) |
| Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Vegas Baby!
Posts: 162
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meetup.com has been a brilliant success for me. Specifically the hiking meetups and 'intelligent discussions meetup'. I have met some really great people and it allows me to interact with them on a regular basis, not everyone I meet is my social type, but just having the interaction helps. Do I have friends from it? Well, I have friends that I see when I go hiking, but thus far no one I spend time with outside of the meetups... The other thing too is that some of the more fun ones, are the big ones. So stop being so bashful about groups and jump in (as Jim has already said). |
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12-05-2007, 11:43 PM
| #17 (permalink) | |
| Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 142
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12-08-2007, 03:52 AM
| #18 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 1,094
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To the guy talking about his guitar: If you're trying to impress people with your guitar, it's like an excuse with the implicit assumption "I'm not good enough by myself." And your guitar is covering that up like a band-aid. This come across as neediness, which is like totally unattractive. It's pretty ****, I've been there (with me it's intelligence and using my intelligence to give advice, with the underlying meaning being "Well, I'm a wounded little needy sucker who wants your validation, so I'm gonna use my smarts as a prop and band-aid over my scars and try to get you to validate me". I'm not saying don't give advice, but it was coming from the wrong place). If on the other hand you use the guitar to expand your horizons, to simply open up more opportunity, that's really attractive. Do you see how it's different? Abundance mentality. Abundance! You are enough! It's not a band-aid over insecurity, but a tool for the expansion of your influence/horizon/whatever. I'm 16, kids talk about getting wasted, I'd never EVER do that, in a million years. That or drugs, I'll never smoke or drink. Often times they do get wasted, no escaping it. To me it's no big deal, they will do what they will and learn their own lessons, I'm just there for fun and to have a good time. If you're a cool dude, you'll attract people to you in every day life. You wouldn't really care if you only had 20 minutes between class, that's what's called an EXCUSE. You'd talk to people for 5 seconds, 30 seconds, 1 minute, 10 minutes, doesn't matter. If you come off right people will like you and probably invite you out. How do you come off right? Subcommunication and conversation. How to get that dialed? I like using these pointers. 1. Core confidence. 2. Don't give a **** what anyone thinks about you ever. Many of the greatest actors, musicians, etc. never read their press, they don't give a ****, and it would take away from their core expression of what's inside them. 3. Total unreactivity. You don't ever take what anyone says personally, you're just there to have a good time. 4. Give value. Real people give value, fake people take it. Imagine the difference, if you will, of how hard it would be to talk to someone when you want to give them a $100 bill, versus if you wanted to talk to them to get a $100 bill! See the difference? One is giving value, they have surplus, total abundance, just going out and enjoying their time. The other wants to take something, they're not complete. Of course this is just an analogy, often if you give value and come across cool, you'll get free stuff. Happens all the time, it's the way things are. Hope this helps, tell us how you do! Oh, and get off your ass and get out there! Approach peole in your everyday life, instantly. Just like "Haha, hey, what's up guys?" pause. See what they say. Then go "You guys seemed cool, I just had to meet you." Make sure you talk loud, and 100% KNOW that they will respond back. Just see it going right in your head. And get out there damnit! Do NOT sit at home, unless you want to be spanking it to porn with no friends for the rest of your life. Ponder that for a minute. The time is now, always now. Go. |
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12-08-2007, 04:35 AM
| #19 (permalink) |
| Junior Member Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 14
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I'd go after the source of those feeling of insecurity because a couple tips on groups to join isn't going to solve the underlying issue. You can definitely beat this though - 100%. check out "celebrate recovery". Whether you're religious or not, you'll get to the core in a hurry of what is screwing your life up.
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12-08-2007, 10:37 AM
| #20 (permalink) | |
| Family Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: The Netherlands
Posts: 1,823
| Quote:
Great artists take criticism at face value. They learn from it what it they can and are unwavered by the rest of it. | |
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12-08-2007, 07:38 PM
| #21 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 1,094
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No, they usually have people under them who relay the important information. I'm talking tabloid type stuff, which is everywhere, and reading that kind of stuff can mess up your mind. It's very easy to have your mind clogged up by junk found outside. But, strangely enough, if you don't read that stuff, it's like it doesn't exist. And people who actually care about your work can criticize, and you'll take it to heart like a true artist. The most common forms of media today would be useless to any actor or artist. They have many better things to do with their time. |
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12-09-2007, 02:29 PM
| #23 (permalink) |
| Family Member Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,611
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You say you don't judge people, but in your first post you say "At my new high school i didn't make any friends; all of them seemed to be trouble makers or bookworms. I was avoiding the trouble makers, and i'm just not sure i can relate to a bookworm. While i can respect someone who's fact smart, i've always been an analytical thinking type myself." So, did you get to know these people before you decided they weren't going to be good enough as friends? You've assumed that you won't have anything to say to 'fact smart' people, I'm guessing, before you've even tried to find out whether or not you did. Most people have more to their personality than 2D characteristics (e.g. liking books). I would suggest not assuming you don't have anything in common with someone before dismissing them as not being friendship material. Think about it from other people's point of view. If someone wanted to be your friend, how would you want them to act? You wouldn't want them to come over too needy and desperate as that would be a turn off. Likewise you wouldn't want them to be so full of their own opinions and self importance that there wasn't room for you to say anything. You would warm to someone who made you laugh and seemed generally pleasant to be around and you would avoid anyone that seemed likely to be 'hard work' or had a violent temperment and so on. Think about what would work from the other side, then set out to apply those behaviours. While 'instant friendships' do happen, what happens more often is that people talk more and more openly to the people that they are thrown into proximity with. The friendships (and likewise mutual respect and trust that go with them) tend to evolve over time. The four people that you have met will have met other people too. Do go and hang out with them for a bit and get to know them and they will introduce you to the people they know too. You have assumed they don't want to hang out with you, rather than knowing that for sure. Go hang out with them for a bit. 23 isn't really that much older than you and I'm sure that by speaking to them you will meet other 20 year olds too. Be curious about other people. What makes them tick? what makes them laugh? What do they like doing in their spare time? What do they want to be when they grow up ? What do they dream about? What is their greatest fear? Who do they fancy? What do they do that is irrational but they do it anyway? Let us know how it goes |
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12-12-2007, 05:57 PM
| #24 (permalink) | |
| Member Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 37
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