Help please...marriage imcompatibilites

[Earful]

Greetings all,
I am a new member here! Found this forum and hopefully can gain some insight into some current marital issues I am having. We have been married for fifteen years now. We are best friends, trust one another completely, and enjoy each others company. The problem with us is intimacy. We both realized about five years into our marriage, that we seemed to sexually incompatible. At this point in our lives, I am in somewhat might be called a "midlife crisis", and she has internalized and come to terms with her insecurities. Currently she still has intimate desire for me, but I have very little for her. Any advice for this situation? Thanks in advance.....

[cdn2wheeler]

Welcome to the forum, Earful.

To your point: This is often what happens when one marries their best friend, it's very common. Who wants to sleep with their friend?

I know that I'll get nailed for this, but in my experience, the whole "friends first" thing just doesn't work. But I digress...

Before we go any further, can you give some more details about this mid-life crisis? Aside from the physical intimacy aspect, how else is this playing out in your life?

[Earful]

Thanks for the quick reply. To your point....I have developed a few friendships with other people an feel a physical attraction with them. I do not want to hurt my wife...but these urges are similar to when I was younger and free-spirited with girlfriends and dating.

[cdn2wheeler]

Sounds like "The Wandering Eye Syndrome." (I just made that up.)

So you love your wife, but you're also attracted to other women (and/or men, if that's your thing).

With your permission, can we dig a little deeper? For instance

• Has your wife undergone changes in her body that make her less physically appealing to you?
• Do you see something in those other people that remind you of what it used to be like with your wife?
• Are you possibly yearning for the experience of your youth (free-spirited, girlfriends by the bucketful, etc.)?
• Are there things in your relationship with your wife, aside from intimacy, that are nagging at you and causing friction in the house (not the good kind of friction...)?

[Gordon]

Wish I had an answer for you....but just some thought and my experiances.

I have been with my other half now for over 6 years. We have a nearly 4 year old son who we both love to bits.

But myself and my other half haven't slept together in nearly 2 years. She is just not interested in sex.

I love her to bits don't get me wrong. But of late my eye has been wandering and have had thoughts of having an affair. But haven't yet. Although there is a part of me that's thinks if things don't improve, then it will be envitable.

Oh and believe you me, I still have urges for my wife. But she doesn't have them anymore.

So I will read with interest what others will post.

G

[Earful]

Thanks for the share Gordon. We have similar experiences, but the lack of interest is with me.

* Has your wife undergone changes in her body that make her less physically appealing to you? Yes and No. She recently lost 30! lbs.
* Do you see something in those other people that remind you of what it used to be like with your wife? No...I have read some of M. Chui's writings and lean towards agreeing with his view that sex is overated and variety may be the answer out of a slump. I have not had an affair as of yet.
* Are you possibly yearning for the experience of your youth (free-spirited, girlfriends by the bucketful, etc.)? This feeling never left, may have been dormant during a long career, etc.
* Are there things in your relationship with your wife, aside from intimacy, that are nagging at you and causing friction in the house (not the good kind of friction...)? Not really...maybe small idiosynracies, that is all

[Gordon]

Hello Earful,

I have to head out just now and pick up my son from nursery.

I'll post a big reply later this evening....there are changes in our lives, that have made a difference.

Regards

G

[Earful]

Look forward to your continued insight Gordon....

[Angela]

Hey, Earful, I happened to come across this article on Huffington Post right after reading your post:

Matt Titus: How To Be Faithful - Living on The Huffington Post

[cdn2wheeler]

OK, that helps.

I caveat all that follows with this: I'm not a trained psychologist or anything of the sort. So, with that established, here's what I think might be going on:

• As I stated right up-front, marriage between friends can often result in this type of situation. I personally know of a woman (dated her for a time) that married her best friend. Enjoyed it but had zero physical attraction to him. The marriage eventually fell apart;
• If you're like a lot of men, you've worked hard to put food on the table, keep a roof over your head, raise your son and all the rest. That's a man's job and you're to be commended for it. That said, it takes a toll. We look up after 15 years of toil and realize, "What's happened to the last 15 years of my life? Is this all there is? I miss the old me!" And the so-called mid-life crisis begins, a yearning to re-capture the glory days of youth;
• It's possible that you may be experiencing a natural decrease in testosterone levels which has resulted in a diminished sex drive. Only your doctor can really tell, though (I think it's through a blood test).

Here are some resources which might be of assistance:
Malehealth: Mid-life crisis
Avoiding the Men's Mid-Life Crisis
Midlife Crisis for Men

You're not alone, by the way. What you're experiencing is extremely common.

[Earful]

Thanks for the advice cdn2wheeler...and to Angela(Moderator). I read the Blog...this guy and I have a lot in common. However, I do agree it may have been presumptuous to think this woman wanted to sleep with him. My testosterone levels have actually increased to a now normal level "after" the toiling. I seem to now be fitter, wiser, etc. and this seems to be attractive to those around me currently (bowing in humbleness). I REALLY agree with this part of the blog..."If restraining your body is rewarding, restraining your mind is even more so. Real freedom is to not be a slave to your mind." I am fighting, however, the restraining the body part, due to a lower level of desire for my wife than she has for me....

[Angela]

you can just call me Angela .

Have you ever desired your wife? Or did you marry her without ever having really desired her? I think that would make a big difference in what choices you both make now.

[Lola]

In my experience, lack of sexual desire/activity in a LTR is a symptom, not the problem.

It claims to be the problem because it's so easy to spot.

I advise digging a little deeper into your "lower level of desire" issue and see if you can identify what's really going on with you.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Lola

In my experience, lack of sexual desire/activity in a LTR is a symptom, not the problem.

With great respect, I disagree with Lola on this. It's both a symptom and a problem.

It's a bit of a chicken-and-egg scenario, at least from a man's perspective.

(Gross generalizations follow, consider yourself warned.)

Women tend to withdraw sexually when their emotional needs aren't met. "If he'd only help me out with the kids/clean the dishes/listen to me when I need to talk, then I'd be more sexually inclined."

Men withdraw their emotional support when their sexual needs aren't met. "If she'd stop refusing me in bed, then I'd help out with the kids/clean the dishes/listen to her when she needs to talk."

I can't speak from a women's perspective, but I know as a man that being continually rejected for sex in a committed relationship is humiliating and off-putting. It's rejection of the highest (or lowest, depending on how you look at it) order, a complete and utter repudiation of who he is as a man, as a partner, as a lover.

It's like a man telling his woman, "You're fat and ugly and I can't stand to be near you." Yes, it hurts that much.

But I think I'm starting to hijack the thread... sorry...

[Angela]

cdn, you may be right with your generalities, but it doesn't look like the case for our friend Earful. His wife sounds like she's a willing party; the lack of desire is all his. Right, Earful?

And by the way, have you two discussed couples therapy?

[Earful]

OK Angela.....to your points....yes...and yes.

[Earful]

and.....Angela...I regress back to "you can call me" points.....I am exploring those questions right now myself......but.......

[Angela]

......."but"......????

[Amadeus]

Well, it seems you are going through something that nature has purposefully set up to potentially destroy your relationship so that you'll spread your seed elsewhere. Evolutionarily is meant for you to be with other women. This is why you are not attracted to her sexually but are spiritually. Obstacles like this go on in most marriages not only sexually but every other aspect of a relationship like friendship. Two seemingly nice people turn into monsters during marriage. It's like nature (devil) is doing its thing so you don't stay together.
Don't feel bad. You haven't committed adultery yet as far as we know. Every man and woman who are married have these feelings. I can't tell you how many pastors have cheated on their wives destroying churches across the World. My advice would be to keep focusing on your wife and think about everything you've been through. Focus on pleasing her. Forget about yourself and your needs. You'll find that when you please her you'll start getting enjoyment again out of it.

[Jennihul]

In my extensive life experience, I truly believe that nature sets people upon each other whose sex ideals are not in sync. It's nature's birth control.

It's the wife who goes through menopause or has kids and completely loses interest leaving a bewildered and still virile man with no recourse other than to suck it up or get divorced or have an affair.

Or it's the man who has "lost interest" based on unmet sexual gratification needs, too much work, too much drink, too much of something. Or thinks that his sexual interests have to all look like his first, hottest girlfriend even though even she no longer looks like she did when she was his first, hottest girlfriend. Or wants to recapture the "zing" he felt when first falling in love.

A million reasons.

What can be done? First, you and your wife have to individually define your expectations. Can she live the rest of her life married yet celibate? Realistically? Can you agree to let her have affairs and have it not damage your marriage? Can she not get resentful? Remember back in the olden days when women basically were vessels for their husband's emissions and not only put up with it but bore the fruit of such encounters and raised them to adulthood with or without resentment?

Oh how the tables have turned, methinks. Your turn to suck it up, oh sensitive new age man.

Jennifer

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Jennihul

Your turn to suck it up, oh sensitive new age man.

Well, that's one way of looking at it. Jennifer, it sounds like you've got some angry and vengeful feelings about this subject. (or maybe you're just having some fun, here).

But I suspect that Earful is looking for insight and would like for both he and his wife to be satisfied and fulfilled, rather than either of them just "sucking it up." I believe it's possible for that aim to be reached, too. And as Lola suggested, it sounds like maybe Earful hasn't yet looked very far beneath the surface of what's happening in his marriage -- underneath "I'm not attracted to her" and "midlife crisis" and "it took us five years to realize we were sexually incompatible" (!). I'm confident Earful will unearth something more useful than "suck it up!"

[lifequest]

I'm no sex expert, heck I've never been married (!), but here are 2 suggestions:

1) Couple's therapy: ok, but wouldn't a sexologist be of more help in this situation?

2) Having a kid, as I've seen from friends and family, changes the dynamics in the house. You can't have sex when you want or where you want anymore... It kinda kills a lot of the spontaneity, and some couples have problems dealing with that issue.

Plus, I agree with cdn2wheeler, about why men an women shy away from sex. I guess the answer would be to be the mature one in that situation and take the lead, as to initiating sex or cleaning (depending on your gender... )

[Jennihul]

I was having some fun. Which is why the big smiley is next to the sentance. I believe my post offered more than "suck it up."

If you put all of earful's posts into one post, he sounds like a dude who has gotten lazy about his marriage committments, despite his professed love for his wife, is probably having a midlife crisis and wants to fuuck other women. I have no vested interest in his issues so I really don't feel vengeful. I'm just blunt.

The honorable thing to do would be to stay married and respect his wife and work toward solving this problem. The next most honorable thing would be to divorce his wife, and then find another mate. Neither of these seems to be his desired goal, if you read between the lines.

He seems to have the perception that because other people find him attractive, and because he is having this intimacy issue, that he should be available to them for sex. Interesting choice but totally common. Exceptional people shouldn't make common choices.

Earful, honor your wife. Whatever that ends up meaning to you.

Jennifer

[Earful]

Interesting views you have there Jennihul. I usually will accept blunt..but not here. You are wrong about being lazy....maybe more stuck between seeking to be content and not being complacent. Amadeus has an interesting philosophy....sounds very eastern or asian in nature. I do have a slight problem with your last suggestions though...I dont think "every" man and woman have gone thru this and I dont feel bad...yet.

[uberinquisitive]

Originally Posted by Earful

We both realized about five years into our marriage, that we seemed to sexually incompatible...Currently she still has intimate desire for me, but I have very little for her.

Why are you guys sexually incompatible? It seems that she's ok with the sex, but you're not.

When I hear that people are not sexually compatible, my first thoughts are:
- maybe one party wants "dirtier" sex
- maybe one party has a much stronger sex drive
- maybe the frequency of sex is not enough/too much

Now that you're having your midlife crisis, maybe you are wondering, "I want to experience sex a certain way...I'm not sure I can do it with my wife."

Question: is there absolutely no way you can regain sexual feeling for her? Or, are you open to it?

[Earful]

Thanks Uber....The persistent theme here seems to be I am having a midlife crisis. If this were a known medical condition or scientific fact, I may buy it...it maybe the case with me...maybe not. Your thoughts about sexual behavior are well put...and I can definitely relate to them. To your question though...."Question: is there absolutely no way you can regain sexual feeling for her? Or, are you open to it?" Not that I am not open to it....the regain part is more complex however. That is why I am on this thread...I cant answer this question, at least at this point....

[frajilthunder]

Earful, a couple of questions if I may:

Do you feel you have lost you libido altogether, or just your lust for your wife?

How old was your wife 10 years ago when you "figured out" that you are not sexually compatible? How did you come to this conclusion?

Are there any non-relationship issues that you are dealing with now, or is there any tragedy that you experienced about 10 years ago?

The problem may lie in the evolving dynamics of your lives together -- having a child, your wife's growing into her sexuality while you are growing out of yours etc.

Or it may be that your loss of libido is due to some other factor in your life, either now or at the time you decared yourselves sexually incompatible (beware the self-fulfilling prophecy btw).

[uberinquisitive]

Earful - as long as you're open to regaining sexual feelings, there is a lot of hope!

Have you communicated to your wife your honest sexual preferences? What was her reaction?

[Earful]

To fajilthunder first.....Cant answer that question realistically without theory and experimentation, and thats not going to happen while I am still married, unless in professional counseling. I seem to be fine and healthy myself. I realized back then that the original desire seemed to wane. Have some individual issues which may be factors here....your points are well said! to uber.......hope or in god's hands...one of the two. Yes I have communicated these things, albeit late in the game. I cant speak for her, but I think she came to a realization about our sexuality as well then.

[The Wife]

Hey, everybody...thanks for all input regarding Earful's post...I'm the wife and I'm wondering if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions on what I should do while he is figuring out if he even wants to regain his sexual desire for me. I'm in a state of confusion here. He said in the initial post that "we" figured this out 5 years into the marriage. I just learned of this less than a month ago. I won't deny that our sex life was infrequent, but I thought it was due to a challenging work schedule on his part. The last thing I wanted to be was demanding. So, if anyone has any ideas on how I can handle this...the stress is eating me up.