Selfish...Self centered?

[Killian]

I have been really thinking about my life and the way I want to live it and I have come to the conclusion that I would be considered totally self-centered by many people....here is why:

1-I am pretty sure I don't want kids. I am a 32 year old man, and have friends with kids and I never think to myself, "Wow, I really want a family like that". I actually like kids, but only from a distance.

2-Not sure I want to get married. I am not convinced that being married brings any more happiness than being single or in a more casual relationship. Marriage is hard to get out of and if I dont want kids, what is the point? The best part of a relationship, IMO, is the "honeymoon" phase where everything is exciting early on. Why not experience that phase often with several people during a lifetime?

3-I love my alone time...I am a classic introvert. I enjoy spending time alone just as much as I enjoy hanging out with friends (I do have friends that I care about).

I often feel guilty that I feel like this. I am the center of my universe and it appears I want it that way.

My questions:

1-Should I feel that my self-centeredness is a problem that should be addressed? Is being self-centered a "bad" thing?

2-Should I care what people would say about the way I choose to live my life?

3-Is this just a phase I am going thru and may change if I meet the right person? I am in a relationship with someone and my self centeredness is causing problems (I need more space, time for myself than she wants).

4-Does anyone else feel they are selfish, self centered? If so, do you feel guilty about it as well?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I don't think that not wanting to get married or have kids is selfish at all. It's just a personal preference. I know plenty of people who feel the same way and they are very caring, giving people -- great friends. They still have romantic relationships and they even enjoy hanging with other people's kids sometimes.

No, you don't need to care what other people say about the way you choose to live your life. It's your life. Just because someone else doesn't understand why on earth you would want to stay single and childless doesn't mean it's wrong. People often have trouble understanding lifestyles which are different from their own. You might even wonder why everyone is so set on marriage and kids ! Similarly, your intorversion is not selfishness, it's merely the lable we put on someone who feels recharged by being alone rather than in the company of others. I too am intorverted. Sometimes I would go crazy if I didn't have some time to myself. It's hard for people who are more extroverted to understand why we don't want to constantly be surrounded by people or hanging out with them. They might think we don't really care about them while we might think "I care about you so much that I don't want to be around you until I've taken care of myself so that I won't be a grump when we're together!"

In your current relationship, I can see why your partner might feel hurt because of your decision if s/he wishes to get married and start a family. Also, if s/he is the type to crave interaction, it's probably difficult to understand why you need your space. It may seem like an indication that something is wrong in the relationship. I don't get from your post that you think this is the case.

Guilt is not necessary here. Be true to yourself. However, it may be likely that this particular relationship will not last if you and your partner can't negotiate a plan that you both feel comfortable with. A lot of my friends who don't plan to marry or have kids get told constantly that it's just a phase, but I've known most of them long enough to know that's not likely. You may well change your mind in the future, but until/unless that happens, you can do a couple of things: 1) cultivate relationships with people who share your view - or - 2) be open and honest about your feelings in your current relationship and work on a plan with your partner that you both feel comfortable with.

I hope this helps. I am one of those people who looks forward to getting married and having kids. I don't think the particular things you've listed are selfish.

[Killian]

Thanks for your response...I appreciate it ,and feel a little better .

I guess my guilt comes from pressure to conform to societies unwritten rule that by age X you are supposed to get married and by age Y you are suppose to have kids.

My current relationship is filled with problems related to my introversion. She has admitted that she has no hobbies, nor a lot of friends so that means she relies on me for her own happiness.

I dont rely on her for my happiness and view a relationship as "the icing on the cake" rather than the whole cake itself...that is the root of our problems. I would be perfectly happy seeng her once/twice a week and having the rest of the time for myself and my introverted ways. I also find that she is causing my other friendships to suffer because she drains me of all my "social energy" (any free time away from her I just need alone time to recharge my battery rather than spending it with friends).

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Killian

she relies on me for her own happiness.

Each person is responsible for their own happiness. It's not possible for you to provide her happiness (even though she might feel like it's coming from you) or convince her that it's not your duty. That's something that she will have to figure out on her own.

While I have been in her shoes (feeling like I needed someone to make me happy and wanting to spend all my time with them) and can certainly sympathize, you are responsible for yourself and your own happiness. I hesitate to suggest you split up, but perhaps both of you would then be able to find relationships that are more suited to your individual temperments and desires. It doesn't mean you don't care about each other. You can part with the utmost love and well-wishes. Otherwise, perhaps you could encourage her to seek out other friendships that will give her some of the interaction she craves.

Society has a lot of unwritten rules! If you tried to live by all of them, you really wouldn't have time for any kind of relationship at all!

[Tonezone]

Who cares what society thinks. The bench marks that they have set for everyone hurts and hinders them more than it does help. It's your choice to do whatever you want with your life.

According to society I should have finished college a year ago and begin my career at my age and be dating the person I think I might want to settle down with. If I saw myself in that kind of life right now I would be extremely unhappy. As long as you're doing what makes you happy and you're not hurting others, then there is nothing wrong with what you enjoy.

[Jim11]

Killian,

Just live how you want to live. Better to know yourself and listen to yourself than to force yourself into a marriage that won't work, or have kids when you're not ready (or just don't want them).

Many of the societal pressures you may feel are just other self-centered people (aren't we all?) expressing their views. Parents may want grandchildren, etc.

You think the "honeymoon stage" early on is the best part? Purely a matter of personal preference. If you hold this view then there's no reason to force yourself to think about marriage just because other people think it's the next logical step. Personally I think this early "excitement" is repetitive and tiresome if it's just going to keep repeating itself and not become something more meaningful, but that only effects me.

[jaamkie]

in my opinion, kids and marriages ARE ultimately selfish- people choose to do them because they want the experiences, the love in return, the social standing, whatever, not because they are sacrificing themselves for the kid/marriage with no compensation; I don't think you're any more or less selfish than other people for not wanting them right now... if you're worrying about it though maybe you really DO want them but are afraid to pay the necessary costs to have them?

As for your relationship and wanting more alone time, I can only say I sympathize from past relationships but think that when you find the right person it won't be a huge issue... I'm a person who likes a lot of alone time, but somehow when I'm dating the right person I can spend any amount of time with them and they don't tire me out or make me want alone time (flip side being I can also spend relatively little time with them and still be ok as long as I feel wanted/not ignored- I think its a matter of being an independent adult and not basing your whole life around another person)- I think it's because when I'm dating someone they understand me so I can be silent for long periods of time and act like I would while alone and they understand and usually are somewhat the same way with me.

Just curious- does your selfishness extend to not caring about your family/friends, to not caring about suffering of people around the world? do you feel isolated/lonely out of unwillingness to put effort/committment into social relationships? I would be more concerned about your answers to those questions than to questions of children/marriage/alone time.

[Killian]

Originally Posted by jaamkie

Just curious- does your selfishness extend to not caring about your family/friends, to not caring about suffering of people around the world? do you feel isolated/lonely out of unwillingness to put effort/committment into social relationships? I would be more concerned about your answers to those questions than to questions of children/marriage/alone time.

I def. have friends I care about. I am always concerned about not hurting peoples feelings and I enjoy doing nice things for people. I have done the Big Brother/Big Sister program. I am considering visiting nursing homes to provide companionship to lonely senior citizens. I like to think i have compassion for other people.

My relationship with my family is OK. I dont come from a "touchy/feely" family, so i dont have warm/loving feelings that some people have when they think about their family. I love my family, but dont really enjoy spending long hours with them. We arent "friends" like some people are with their families.

In short, I guess i dont feel isolated or unwilling to put effort into social relationships.

I have been feeling like there is something wrong with me b/c, I dont want kids/marriage/or a relationship with someone around all the time. After reading the responses here I feel better about myself and the way i think i am going to be living the rest of my life.

[Ninja]

You can also turn the tables. Aren't parents selfish for sometimes going even as far as to pay for treatments to have a child of their own rather than adopting? Do those parents really want children, or do they just want little copies of themselves?

The Earth is crowded. If everyone lived like they do in Europe, we'd need 2.5 planets. Even more if we all lived like they do in the USA. Also, some people might say "but your child could cure cancer!". Why not say: "do it yourself, ya lazy bum!"

The way things are going, we need less people on this planet. Not more, because humans (ironically) tend to be much too selfish to change their lifestyle and split the recources fairly. Do they want to be vegetarians? No? Then they should be grateful your non-existent children's share of planet can still be used to let cows graze on. Don't even get me started on water usage!

I'm not saying we should all stop having children or just use Africa and other poor countries as "breeding grounds" and harvest their offspring, rather than educating them to prevent unwanted pregnancies in the first place. But please... if you're going to try for kids, do so because you want to love, nurture and raise them! Not because society will think less of you if you don't contribute your fair shair of nappies to diaper hill.