How to deal with my very first break-up & broken heart?

[rikun]

Hey guys,

I know I'm a bit late, in my mid twenties, just had my first super brief relationship and break-up. We only saw a couple of times and somehow I think I developed intense deep feelings for her. Now I can't say for sure what I felt towards her, since I've never been in love, but I know I've never felt anything like that. And the one post about true love really resonated with me:

"What happened to you is what happens when you encounter real love - she turned out to be a person who has the ability to heal your old childhood wounds from within. But when your relationship ended, that healing process you were feeling abrubtly ended"

- I don't remember who said it, but it really hit home with me. I've had some repressed memories coming back and I almost felt like the child in me came out when I was with her. I've certainly never been able to open up to anyone as much I did to her. Not even to my parents.

And now it's over. Any tips how to handle it? I feel like my life is empty and meaningless. I feel like there are no colors in my life, everything just feels metallic and numb. I know it's never going to work out, but a part of me wants to be delusional and hang on. I think it's in part because I rarely meet women I really like, this was actually the first time in my whole life. I don't want to believe any of the stupid myths (the one, etc), but often do you find true love, if it was that...?

I'm currently working but now that I've been thinking about it, I don't like my job very much and it's going nowhere. I'm also studying but it's just mainly my thesis I'll have to get done and then I'll be graduating. And then what, huh?!

Before I met her I knew for sure what I wanted to do for living, but now I don't know anymore. I've also been a bit involved in pickup stuff, but honestly I don't know how I can find the motivation now. And this all is coming from a guy that never even believed in love, and in the past I had a really strong frame that nobody could shake.

Before meeting her, I thought my life was great and everything was falling in place. But now I'm just a mess. I don't know who I am or what I should do with my life. I think the best thing would just to try to move on and meet new people, but I feel I can't.

I'm totally lost right now. I was actually lost from the day I met her, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. She brought a side out of me I didn't know even existed. Do you think I should make any decisions about my job now? I can't be sure what I'm feeling about anything right now. And I really feel I've lost my love for life, before I was pretty happy, outgoing and had a lot of passion in my chosen field of work. Now I feel like doing nothing. I've never been like this and it scares me.

Any suggestions what I should be doing while getting over her? I doubt I need too much time because we didn't even get to know each other properly, but still I feel the intense burn and pain in me.

[ChangeYourTree]

Originally Posted by rikun

Hey guys,

I know I'm a bit late, in my mid twenties, just had my first super brief relationship and break-up. We only saw a couple of times and somehow I think I developed intense deep feelings for her. Now I can't say for sure what I felt towards her, since I've never been in love, but I know I've never felt anything like that. And the one post about true love really resonated with me:

"What happened to you is what happens when you encounter real love - she turned out to be a person who has the ability to heal your old childhood wounds from within. But when your relationship ended, that healing process you were feeling abrubtly ended"

- I don't remember who said it, but it really hit home with me. I've had some repressed memories coming back and I almost felt like the child in me came out when I was with her. I've certainly never been able to open up to anyone as much I did to her. Not even to my parents.

It's very possible that you were experiencing comfort that you didn't get as a child. You'd need some professional help to look into that.

And now it's over. Any tips how to handle it? I feel like my life is empty and meaningless. I feel like there are no colors in my life, everything just feels metallic and numb. I know it's never going to work out, but a part of me wants to be delusional and hang on. I think it's in part because I rarely meet women I really like, this was actually the first time in my whole life. I don't want to believe any of the stupid myths (the one, etc), but often do you find true love, if it was that...?

I'm currently working but now that I've been thinking about it, I don't like my job very much and it's going nowhere. I'm also studying but it's just mainly my thesis I'll have to get done and then I'll be graduating. And then what, huh?!

Before I met her I knew for sure what I wanted to do for living, but now I don't know anymore. I've also been a bit involved in pickup stuff, but honestly I don't know how I can find the motivation now. And this all is coming from a guy that never even believed in love, and in the past I had a really strong frame that nobody could shake.

Before meeting her, I thought my life was great and everything was falling in place. But now I'm just a mess. I don't know who I am or what I should do with my life. I think the best thing would just to try to move on and meet new people, but I feel I can't.

I think you felt a lot of these things before meeting her and just suppressed them. You already knew you didn't like your job, right?

I'm totally lost right now. I was actually lost from the day I met her, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. She brought a side out of me I didn't know even existed. Do you think I should make any decisions about my job now? I can't be sure what I'm feeling about anything right now. And I really feel I've lost my love for life, before I was pretty happy, outgoing and had a lot of passion in my chosen field of work. Now I feel like doing nothing. I've never been like this and it scares me.

Any suggestions what I should be doing while getting over her? I doubt I need too much time because we didn't even get to know each other properly, but still I feel the intense burn and pain in me.

I think the main thing you found with this relationship was co-dependency. Possibly that or "love addiction." It's normal to feel depressed after a break up. It's not normal to feel like your entire life is worth nothing.

You are young, you have an entire life ahead of you. The depression from this breakup will pass if you begin to focus on yourself, which is something I think you've been missing.

You need to get comfortable being alone before you can truly be in a solid relationship. If you're always worried about being alone, you will do unhealthy things in your relationship to make sure that never happens.

I recommend reading a book by Pia Mellody called Facing Co-Dependence and another one by the same author called Love Addiction

Even if you end up not having any of these two things, they are still both great things to learn about and will help you through your entire life.

With that said, start focusing on YOU instead of on other people. Build self esteem rather than other esteem. Part of focusing on you is figuring out why this relationship affected you so much in such a short amount of time.

Buy both those books and get started researching--it will give your mind and body a rest too.

[laciemn1]

First love is hard, at least it was for me and probably is for a lot of people. It's an amazing and horrifying experience, in my opinion. Haha, not most people would categorize love as horrifying, but it really is when you've hit your lowest point.

Before I met my first love, I was also doing rather well. I was extremely emotionally well-balanced, just sort of coasting along through life. I met this girl and everything changed, my perception of people in general changed. When I met her, it was like she was this enchanting creature that opened up all sorts of possiblities. It's really hard to lose something like that.

I probably did not respond in the healthiest way. I began to block out my pain with anger and resentment, using that to force myself to get "back on track."

Here's my advice, FORCE yourself not to think about her. I know it's hard, I've been there crying my eyes out unable to do anything because of the emotional pain, but eventually, you will "get used to it." After you get used to being hurt, it's more like an inward emotional pang, but then you just push yourself to focus on something else, something that moves you towards your current goals.

[Tonezone]

The only thing you can do is just give it time. It sounds super cliche but it's really all that you can do. If you try immediately dating or hooking up with other people you'll just suppress it and make things even worse for yourself and whomever you date in the future.

Watch the movie Swingers sometime. Ron Livingston's monologue to Jon Favreau is some of the best break up advice you'll ever recieve. The whole movie itself is a good story about loneliness and healing.

[ixmatus]

I too have had similar experiences - mine was a bit twisted though...

Female companionship is an amazing thing, I have only ever engaged my emotional center when in the presence of a female companion and the feeling is very sentimental. I consider my emotional center a very sacred thing and only share it with special female companions - unfortunately that only makes it all the more addictive!

Why do you think Shakespeare wrote so much about the tragedy of love? Is that not what you are experiencing now? The 'Tragedy of Love'? On a positive note, I personally do believe in 'lasting love', just that, romantic love is more of the hormonal cocktail that gives us that cocaine high.

As others have said, focus on the things you know you have enjoyed in the past (hobbies), your work, and your studies - it will fade away until another comes along.

[lifequest]

Originally Posted by rikun

Hey guys,
Any suggestions what I should be doing while getting over her? I doubt I need too much time because we didn't even get to know each other properly, but still I feel the intense burn and pain in me.

It doesn't matter how long you knew her. You've lost something very important to you, and it hurts. Don't worry, time will take care of it. It could take you a month, a year, who knows, but you'll get there, everybody does. In the meant time, keep busy. That's very important. Speak with you family and friends, organize a night out with your friends, take up a weekly class for a new hobby, start doing exercise (if you aren't already). Do activities that will take your mind away from depressing thoughts. Don't stay alone. Even taking a walk everyday is better than nothing. If you have no one to take a walk with, you can try out what I do: listen to an inspirational audiobook (Susan Jeffers, Steven Covey, etc.). It helps.

As for the work not interesting you, why did it interest you before? You say your in your 20's, and that you knew what you wanted to do before you met her. Did it involve only work? What else are you missing in life? Have you come to realize that some aspects are lacking? What about family, friends?

And I can't tell you what to do about your job, but don't do something harsh. Ask for advice in a person or two you really have confidence in, and let them guide you for a while, until you hurt less and are more able to take important decisions.