Could use advice concerning 16 year old

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, Honey. I didn't respond before because I don't have kids yet, much less teenagers, but I was one once of course! I just wanted to say that I agree with a great deal of what people here have said. Practically, I would say continue to feed, shelter and clothe him, but don't make it too easy on him beyond that. Don't buy him the truck. Maybe help him along with it if he gets a job and contributes greatly. I know when I was his age I was the same way. For me it was overwhelming to be at the stage where everyone expects you to make big decisions that could affect you for the rest of your life. He sounds like me in that he seems intelligent and not content with status quo. I don't think someone like him will be able to just go the "normal route" into adulthood. I realize now of course that nothing is ever final or carved in stone, but then it seemed like I had to do it just right so I did nothing at all for fear of messing it up. It sounds like your son is quite smart and talented. The story about him playing his violin for money and donating it speaks volumes about his character. I think you've done an amazing job laying the foundation, but he's got to start picking up a hammer and building the next level.

Trust yourself and trust him. Both of you are doing the best you know how...like Lola said. I am confident he will grow into just who he's meant to be. Be a listening ear for him. Keep the doors open. When you see something he finds interesting, regardless of how unimportant it may seem, help him get deeper into it. Like you mentioned I found it was easier to talk to my mom when it wasn't a full on interrogation, but when we were just hanging out doing something fun. I don't think it's necessary to coddle or baby him any more than it is to whip him into shape and release him into the world as soon as possible. Just remember that you are his mother and a wonderful one at that. He's a fantastic son. Both of you will come out of this just fine from what I can see!

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

For me it was overwhelming to be at the stage where everyone expects you to make big decisions that could affect you for the rest of your life.

I hadn't thought of that before but it sure makes sense now that you say it.
Thanks, Aspiring, for all your wonderful words! I really, really appreciate it!!

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Glad it helped, Honey. I would add that's its hard being at that stage and making decisions when you are usually just getting a sense of what kind of person you are or would like to become. It's a daunting task until you realize that you can always change your mind. Our society (at least in America) tends to frame it very "all or nothing".

[jaamkie]

Well as someone who dropped out of HS after freshman year mostly due to depression and boredom, and has managed to grow up and be independent and happy, my advice is to be lovingly disinterested- to clearly establish (mostly through consistent actions) what you will provide/what he can expect from you (material things, monetary support (over time as he ages), social support, listening/advice etc) and to provide it lovingly but otherwise to mostly let him be and not to worry if he doesnt seem to be accomplishing very much. My experience is that I grew up and learned a lot about myself while externally just keeping up with the bare minimum in school and spending a lot of time daydreaming/reading/sleeping, and while I was very confident in my parent's love, support, and generally in my day-to-day existence, I was also very much left to figure things out for myself, which I think has made me a more independent thinker and problem solver than if I had been forced to follow other people's solutions.

You say he expects college but isnt getting good grades currently- is it a reasonable expectation on his part, that you will pay for him to go to (a possibly lower calibre) college regardless of his grades, that his background will get him into school regardless of his grades, that he can expect college without any special effort on his part? If in reality it is likely that you will find a way for him to go to college regardless of what he does, then you either need to accept his dependence or stop allowing him to count on you for things that you dont want to provide; if it isnt a realistic expectation, then you need to have a discussion and see if he understands the dissonance between his plans and his actions, and if he does see it, then ask him what he is REALLY expecting to do with his life... you should be clear and consistent over time about what you are willing to provide to him (and what timetable/circumstances would change the provisions), and then not be suprised when he uses you as much as you have agreed to be used.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, Honey. I was just wondering how your son is doing. Any news?

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

Hey, Honey. I was just wondering how your son is doing. Any news?

Thanks for asking Aspiring!

He's doing fine, he was never really doing badly to begin with, just not as motivated as I wished he would be.

I have really taken to heart some of the advice from this thread and just had confidence that he has the ability to make the best decisions for himself.

This morning, on my walk, I came up with a list of ABSOLUTES concerning all my kids. There are four,
- treating family members with kindness and respect
- going to school every day and trying to do just as well or better, than the day before
- being home by curfew
- no hardcore drug use
Then I came up with a list of DESIRABLES which are things that we work on achieving as we mature
- absolute integrity
- no pot use or alcohol
- no cig smoking
- all A's in school !
- part time job when old enough

He gets perfect score for the first list and is genuinely working/thinking about working on the second list.

It can be difficult for me to look back on how I failed to provide a secure and stable home life for my kids, and how I think my kids will be screwed up for life because of it. I want to jump in and MAKE him make all the best decisions right now. But, like I said, I have been very cognizant of backing off and having a good mix of faith and support.

Thanks Aspiring, for asking!!

[MyBrainHurts]

I have experienced this exact same thing but not from a parents perspective, but from a life long friends perspective.

A friend of mine that i grew up with is exactly like that, "silver spoon fed". He was pretty much given everything and went to one of the most expensive private schools in the state. He has had every advantage and he is very intelligent but yet he has no motivation and no dreams.

Its kind of sad because I always thought he would grow up to be something great and mabey he will someday, (hes still alive and theres always the chance that he will take hold of his life or discover his purpose).

Anyway I was the poor one and he had everything, I kind of expected more from him but understand why he is the way he is. I got hopes and dreams when I was 12 years old. I started programming at the age of 15 and I love what I do! I guess being poor and my parents teaching me the value of the dollar beyond mere "words", has true value. I had to work for everything I got, the only time I got a free handout is when it was my birthday or Christmas.

Believe me when I say that you cant motivate someone like that with mere words, the only thing that will motivate them is something they learn from a life experience which could take months, years and even decades for some people.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Honey, while you may have made some mistakes in the past or not had the resources to do what you thought was best for your kids, it sure looks like you are making up for that in a big way now. Look at how you've come here to get advice to help your son, not to complain about him, but to be there for him in the best way possible. That first list has some important things on it and you say he gets a perfect score there. I think that is wonderful. With your continued faith, love and support (along with standards he can depend on) I believe he will do very well. I wish you and all your boys (it's four boys right?) a fantastic year filled with love and growth and understanding.

Keep us posted!

[Cheese96]

I know I really have no insight on this because I'm not a parent. But I am 16 years old. Usually I find it that I am less motivated when my parents nag at me to do something. If my dad asks me to come outside, I go to my room. He's been nagging at me to get a job but I tell him I don't want one. Although, it is most likely a completely different situation. I am not very fond of my dad and I tend to fall into that "I'll show you" trap. Usually when the decision is up to me I'll get up and active and I have even found a job. Just thought this might help a little.