help!

[obviouslyafalseidentity]

Hey all I'm new here but this seems like a really great place! People seem interested and...well...smart The name says it all!

So I've got a couple relationship related questions I am trying to work out.

Background, I'm a 19 year old guy, freshman in college.

First off, whats the best way to deal with unrequited love? I've been stuck on my ex girlfriend (gf for 8 months, she broke up with me a year ago) for a long time. She's doing great I think, but she has a new boyfriend and stuff, and I can't handle being around her or anything anymore. So basically I've cut off any contact with her. Going to college made that easy, but I've also taken her off my instant messenger buddy list, unsubscribed to her blog, and even defriended her on facebook haha... I guess its kind of working - I'm thinking about her less, but I think I'm just keeping myself in denial in regards to her new bf and stuff, by just keeping myself uninformed. So I think when I do see her again winter break it will all pile on really fast and hurt bad. Also, I would like to be her friend, if that is possible. Right now though, I definitely just couldn't handle it. So any advice? I feel bad for messing things up so bad between us.

Second, trying to move on from that and look for someone new for myself. I really want to have a gf, someone I can be really close with and spend time with. My issue seems to be I keep getting into the 'close friend' category with my girl-friends. Like I am they one they tell about the guys they like, instead of being the guy they like. Any ideas how to fix that?

Thanks! Any ideas would be great! Now I'm going to go try and post on other people's stuff, cause its no fair asking for help without giving some of your own!

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by obviouslyafalseidentity

First off, whats the best way to deal with unrequited love?

Accept that it is unrequited and move on. You're not helping anyone, least of all yourself, when you get stuck on a love that was not meant to be.

Like I am they one they tell about the guys they like, instead of being the guy they like. Any ideas how to fix that?

If you want to be a boyfriend, act like a boyfriend. If you want to be a friend, act like a friend.

[cdn2wheeler]

Welcome to the forum, obviouslyafalseidentity.

I would encourage you to ask yourself a few questions:

• Why are you allowing this person to have such power over you?
• If you could somehow magically excise all those memories of her and your previous relationship from your mind, how would that impact your life?
• If someone you knew and cared about was going through this exact same thing, what would your advice to him/her be?

There may come a time when you and she can move past the hurt to be friends, but frankly I've never seen that work. There's always one party that holds out hope that the friendship could blossom into something more. But, alas, I have never ever seen that happen. Not once. And it hurts. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, wore the sucker threadbare.

The "close friend" category has also been referred to as the "friend zone." Now, there are those who think it doesn't exist, and there are women who insist that "friends first" is the way that they start relationships.

But, in my opinion, the friend zone is very real (again, I speak from personal experience here) and cannot be escaped. As well, the whole "friends first" thing doesn't work either. The basis for an exclusive romantic relationship starts with physical attraction (yea, really... there's a good look at the whole science of attraction stuff on a BBC website). Few, if any, people want to leap into bed with their friends. I know personally of a woman who married her best friend and had a couple of children with him. But she was never physically attracted to him, the marriage eventually collapsed and now they're currently in the middle of a nasty custody/divorce dispute.

So the key is never to get into the "friend zone" to begin with. There are multiple threads on that so I gently suggest you try using the search tool to come up with some links. There's also a discussion on another website which might be worth a look: Escaping Purgatory: The Dreaded "Friend" Zone - LoveShack.org Community Forums

[ChangeYourTree]

Originally Posted by obviouslyafalseidentity

Hey all I'm new here but this seems like a really great place! People seem interested and...well...smart The name says it all!

So I've got a couple relationship related questions I am trying to work out.

Background, I'm a 19 year old guy, freshman in college.

First off, whats the best way to deal with unrequited love? I've been stuck on my ex girlfriend (gf for 8 months, she broke up with me a year ago) for a long time. She's doing great I think, but she has a new boyfriend and stuff, and I can't handle being around her or anything anymore. So basically I've cut off any contact with her. Going to college made that easy, but I've also taken her off my instant messenger buddy list, unsubscribed to her blog, and even defriended her on facebook haha... I guess its kind of working - I'm thinking about her less, but I think I'm just keeping myself in denial in regards to her new bf and stuff, by just keeping myself uninformed. So I think when I do see her again winter break it will all pile on really fast and hurt bad. Also, I would like to be her friend, if that is possible. Right now though, I definitely just couldn't handle it. So any advice? I feel bad for messing things up so bad between us.

Second, trying to move on from that and look for someone new for myself. I really want to have a gf, someone I can be really close with and spend time with. My issue seems to be I keep getting into the 'close friend' category with my girl-friends. Like I am they one they tell about the guys they like, instead of being the guy they like. Any ideas how to fix that?

Thanks! Any ideas would be great! Now I'm going to go try and post on other people's stuff, cause its no fair asking for help without giving some of your own!

I think before you go get a new gf you need to find contentment with being alone. Really understand that you are going to be okay wth a gf or without. If you can't do this, your relationship will control you. I think that's also why you are unable to let you go of your previous gf.

So...that's step one. The rest will work itself out.

[groundhog]

Originally Posted by ChangeYourTree

I think before you go get a new gf you need to find contentment with being alone. Really understand that you are going to be okay wth a gf or without. If you can't do this, your relationship will control you. I think that's also why you are unable to let you go of your previous gf.

So...that's step one. The rest will work itself out.

I think this advice has a lot of merit. I'm a junior in college and I had a somewhat similar situation: when I was a freshman I was more stuck than I realized on a high school girlfriend. (You've done a great job in staying out of contact of something that (now) sounds outside of what's good for you, IMO.)

But back to what Tree said... Know who you are offering.